DH got snubbed
So this is SS10's week with Disney BM. He had a baseball game last night and DH went. I usually go but did not because of work and timing. Well, after the game, DH was in a fury because SS completely snubbed him afterwards.
DH has definite anger-management issues and he's also hyper-sensitive to rejection. A snub like that would sting anyone but for him it was like a third-degree burn.
I can think of any number of reasons for it (including SS just feeling moody of feeling more bonded to his mom's family in that moment) but last night DH chose to blame much of it on me. I'm nothing but critical. I don't like SS and everyone can tell. I care about other kids but not him.
This conveniently ignores certain facts:
1) BM and her parents spoil SS in every way imaginable so it's not too surprising that he finds her house with his five pets, latest video game equipment, regular gifts, limitless fast food, no chores and no consequences the more attractive option.
2) DH has been extremely stressed and moody lately, which I'm sure even a kid can pick up on.
3) DH has undermined me and thrown me under the bus with SS numerous times (and probably more I don't even know about).
I'm careful in what I say. Yes, I'll mention it to DH if I see something that might become a problem. Or I'll speak up if I see SS doing something potentially dangerous to limb or property (like balancing a full glass of fruit punch on his leg during a meal with an off-white carpet below). But I also try to point out good things.
Anyway, I'm sure SS doesn't like me. Fine. I don't really care. But I hardly think SS giving DH the cold shoulder of starting to prefer his mom's house is entirely my fault.
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Floundering for excuses much?
IF you had been there and SS had snubbed DH, he could possibly say it was because SS was uncomfortable around your critical little self. But since he was alone, SS should have jumped at the opportunity to have DH all to himself. DH is hurt so he's looking for someone to blame it on. And you're the handy victim it seems!
SS could have been tired. Spoiled. In a loyalty bind (many SKs feel caught in the middle at events. If they say hi to DH they catch grief from BM) and decided not to poke a fight that night. Or was just being a typical child and didn't have the empathy to know that he should make the time to say hi! I'd address it with him to find out why he did it. If there's a reason, fix the reason. If there's no reason, it's an opportunity to raise him a bit more and be sensitive to others. A bit of introspection and teaching about feelings never hurt a child. And it sounds like your husband could use the same lesson right now!
Yes, any number of reasons,
Yes, any number of reasons, really. SS has always been in need of some lessons in manners. He can be shy and as a former shy child, I get that, but I was still taught the importance of at least acknowledging people and being polite -- and not hurting feelings.
DH and BM get on well and there's never been tension there at all -- not even with me (she actually likes me because I don't try to be a second mom) -- but kids can still feel a little awkward.
I think he was just being a kid.
DH was already in a mood with work stress so it's not surprising he went around the bend.
Please tell me you told your
Please tell me you told your DH that you're not a child to be scolded, and if he is in such a foul mood that he can stay elsewhere because he damn sure isn't going to treat you like crap just because his feelings are hurt.
He did stay elsewhere but we
He did stay elsewhere but we had quite the row on the phone. He wants to talk about stuff related to SS and I told him this morning I'm happy to do that -- if it's a discussion. No anger. No blaming. No accusations. I'm all for hearing and considering other points of view. But not when they're spewed at me in a fit of hurt/anger.
Once, SS snubbed DH at a
Once, SS snubbed DH at a football match. It happens when Skids feel a loyal conflict.
But instead of blame it on you, your DH should have talk to his son !
How could you be responsible ? Tell you DH he needs to think about his relationship with his son before accusing others ! Especially you !
I agree completely. Could my
I agree completely. Could my presence play a role in him preferring BM's house? Quite possibly. But DH is well aware of the other issues at play here. And just because he's hurt doesn't mean he gets to turn that hurt to anger and aim it at me!
This is called Displacement.
This is called Displacement. DH is mad at SS and/or BM, but he can't tell him directly, so he turns around and yells at you. Don't let him get away with that. You weren't even there, it's not your fault. He needs to learn how to manage his emotions better.
Oh, believe me, I know. That
Oh, believe me, I know. That's something he struggles with -- and I'm working on boundaries, etc. He did express anger about SS but then it morphed to me. Definite displacement.
As I told him, I am open to dis issuing about my relationship with SS and hearing him out of he sees problems (and can present them calmly and clearly). But I'm not just going to roll over either. I have made and continue to make mistakes. But SS's personality, BM's coddling and DH's handling of things are all huge factors at play.
SS has been in the house for some of FH's blow-ups before. He insists SS probably didn't hear/wasn't listening f but I told him he's fooling himself. He has absolutely heard. And chances are SS would blame me for making DH mad.
And if DH wants me to have a good relationship with SS, maybe he needs to pay more attention to what SS does and doesn't do and not present new rules he and I agree on as coming from me. Ugh.