Anyone read The Dance of Intimacy? Is our dislike of SKids actually an intimacy blocker?
So I've been reading lately. A lot.
I recently re-read The Dance of Intimacy. In it, the author explores how people use relationship triangles in order to avoid stressful or anxiety laden issues in their life.
Example: Sue is the child of Dan and Mary. Dan is an alcoholic. Sue has problems dealing with her father Dan. The friction between Dan and Sue aligns Sue and her mother Mary in a stance of "what do we do about Dad". This alignment allows Sue to avoid her father. It also allows Mary to be close to Sue in partnership of not knowing how to handle alcoholic Dan. This stand off allows Dan to never have to confront his issues with his daughter.
But if Sue changed her position and said to herself that she can't fix Dad, and will stop trying, the triangle collapses. This is why people in triangles get upset when you change your behavior. If Sue steps out, then Mary must deal with Dan. And Dan must deal with Mary. And now Dan has to deal with Sue, as well.
I started to think... do I use my dislike for my SS as a buffer? Right now it is me disliking SS. DH tries to run interference and keep everyone happy. SS sits on the outside either impartial or unmoved. But if I quit with my emotional intensity toward SS, then by default I would have to deal with SS and my awkward relationship with him. And DH would have to deal with SS on his own as well. And worst yet... there would be no buffer to prevent DH and I from confronting our real issues, which actually are not SS at all.
Anyone follow? Thoughts?