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BM isn't working...AGAIN...

lieutenant_dad's picture

*insert string of expletives here*

BM is having pain, so she is currently off work and seeking short-term disability while they figure out what is wrong, if anything. I say "if anything" because BM has a history of being sick, hurt, in pain, etc. My understanding is that she has arthritis and fibro, but she is apparently fine enough to go out and do FUN things on the regular.

I'm irked, as is DH, but he doesn't want to hear it from me because I will fly off the handle. Fine, cool, I get it. But FFS! Working isn't optional when you're a CP! Or when you're ANY type of parent! Your kids need things, like a roof and food and clothes. That doesn't just magically fracking appear!

I think I would be less irked if I didn't have a whole family surrounding me who works despite constant pain and threat of death. My mom has an aortic aneurysm that will give if she lifts too much, but she works! My SF has steel rods in his back, yet he works a very physical job. DH, for crying out loud, gets 40% VA disability because he effed his knees to the point that BOTH have to be replaced AND they have to break his femur when they do it to twist the bone back around enough so his new knees won't wear him out! Yet he works full time!

Let's add to this that my sister is currently on Short Term Disability because she fell on ice, screwed up her knee, and was in an immobilizer brace for two weeks. She wasn't supposed to bend or put pressure on her leg. She STILL managed to make it to her classes, and when she got put into a regular knee brace, she BEGGED to go back to work.

I just can't deal with her BS around working and lack of money anymore. I have no sympathy. I watch most of my family battle through pain and illness. I watch DH bust his arse to make sure he can pay CS, insurance, College 529 accounts, and everything else. He works a job he HATES because it pays so well that he can do just about anything he needs to for the kids without hurting financially. Cry me a GD river BM about how your stomach hurts and now you can't work!

Seriously, if they don't figure out what is wrong (and I'm suspecting they won't find a cause, because my experience as a woman with stomach pain is that they really have no clue unless the cause is obvious), I doubt she'll go back to work after her disability is up. She has apparently been looking elsewhere, but it will just be a matter of time. I'm actually somewhat hoping it is something fixable so it can be fixed and she can go back to work, but having dealt with this BS from her for five years, I doubt it will be fixable enough for her to work.

Maybe I need to be more sympathetic, but I just can't muster it. I have already told DH that she isn't getting any additional cash from us. Our livelihood won't change to help her EXCEPT moving the kids in with us. I'll do that; I'll even drive the 30-40 minutes everyday to take them to school, and I'll pay someone in our family to pick them up. But I WILL NOT give her a dime extra. Nope.

*drinks coffee scathingly*


WalkOnBy's picture

Sounds to me like she isn't able to care for the kids...maybe a motion for a change in custody is in order :-)  

Maybe THAT will miraculously cure her?

lieutenant_dad's picture

Oh, I'm already thinking that. If she loses this job, I'll hire the effing attorney myself. I won't go through the hell we went through of BM being homeless AGAIN where we don't know where she is living and where she has taken the kids. I can't handle the lying and deception again. DH knows it, too. He and his dad are very much the kind of people who throw money at a problem to make it go away, so he'd rather pay her rent while she gets back on her feet than screw with courts and the boys' lives (and his, let's be real).

But not this time. This amount of dysfunction won't help the boys. OSS is almost old enough to drive and can get himself back and forth to his school (he only has two years left). YSS is still young enough that switching school districts would be easy enough. Getting the courts to agree would be an entirely different matter, but I'll take my chances. Plus, one of my benefits at work is 25% off legal services, so that's helpful.

ESMOD's picture

This would be very tempting for me too.  If she can't manage the rigors of a job, caring for her kids is probably too much for her as well.  So, at least temporarily the kids should relocate and CS suspended until she recovers. Bless her heart.


ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

In college I got a spiral fracture and two hairlines in my foot... I didn't miss a day of work... I worked in a WOOD SHOP as a carpenter for crying out loud! But I couldn't afford to miss a day if I wanted to pay rent! (same thing with foot surgery later, I was at the shop doing what I could two days after.) I didn't even have kids! There are bills no matter what! So why does someone think they just don't have to work? When they have kids that are even more expensive than a college student's rent?!

I'm mad for you Lt_dad. She needs to be working and figuring out how to pay her dang bills!

lieutenant_dad's picture

Thanks PAI. Im hoping she is legitimately looking for other work and trying to make all this work out. I'm just not hopeful, especially since DH pays her nearly $1,000 in CS each month and her DH now has disability rolling in. Her bills will get paid, she can go back on SNAP, and she will just have DH pay for everything else kid-related by not doing it herself. I've seen this song and dance before, and I can't do it again.

I need to have a sit-down with DH about it. He's stressed with work right now, so I know he doesn't want to hear it, but I want him to at least be thinking of a plan. If this all goes to hell in a hand basket by the summer, we'll have time to come up with a game plan for the boys but we need to be ready to act when the other shoe drops.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

GOtta love that other shoe... BM used to ask for money... THANKFULLY she hates responsibility and ditched the girls... They're better off, and DH isn't constantly hit up with some sob story about how she got fired again and doesn't have any money.

I really hope she's looking for work for your good... Also being stressed out, unfortunately, doesn't mean you don't have to deal with anything else that pops up. Sad Also i get the game plan. We've been playing that game too!

Iamwoman's picture

Grrr. This makes me mad with you.

im in a similar situation, except reversed. I have a genetic immune condition wherein a nasty cold, excessive stress, or anything that challenges my immune system could potentially kill me (almost did last winter), yet I work.

My DD’s biodad has managed to fanagle his way into disability despite being completely capable of working. Ugh. It makes me sick. To top it all off, he is a veteran, and in my opinion taking dollars from the system that other veterans actually need. He is a fantastic actor and can pull the wool over anyone’s eyes with his completely fabricated, yet amazingly convincing tales of woe. I’m still waiting for the karma train to arrive.

It is not only frustrating but sets a bad example for the kids. How many of the kids will end up trying to get something for nothing after seeing a parent do it? My DD actually told her dad to get a job one day, but all that resulted was him launching into more lies to justify his lazy lifestyle.

DaizyDuke's picture

BM1 hasn't worked since Jesus was a baby.  I think she had one job in her early 20's (she's now in her 40's) at some type of ARC house or something and apparently claimed that one of the residents hurt her back.  She managed to get a comp settlement (with nothing to show for it) and also managed to get approved for SSDI (after being denied 3 times and again with nothing to show for it) Yet she has 4 kids (besides SD20) that she schleps all over, and has no problem taking to them carnivals, fairs, parades, driving for hours to visit people etc.  Every car she's ever owned has been repossessd, every place she has ever lived she has been evicted from, she has been hotlined countless times and actually had cases founded and yet those girls are still in her care. 

We recently found out that she no longer gets SSDI because she couldn't be bothered to fill out the review paperwork that they sent.  Not sure if she gets CS from her other 2 baby daddies, but she no longer gets it from DH.  She lives with her brother, who she beats up and degrades on a regular basis.  when asked why he allows her to live there and treat him like that he says he's concerned for the girls...crazy, crazy people. 

For the life of me I don't understand why women like BM1 have not one, but FIVE kids, when they can't even take care of themselves??? 

DaizyDuke's picture

somebody needs to take all those kids and put them in foster homes where they have 1/2 a chance.  and maybe she should have paid for condoms instead of having 15 kids that SHE can't provide for... ugh

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Is it bad that's how I already feel about the kid BM is preggo with... Based on what she's done to the girls... I think it'd be better off getting taken away while it's a baby and has a good shot at finding a good home...

DaizyDuke's picture

Oh and by the way... these idiots are teaching future generations their lazy ways.  I work in a small city school district as the tutoring/home schooling coordinator.  I can't even begin to tell you the increase of Dr. notes we see stating that "Johnny has anxiety or is depressed and can't go to school and  must be tutored." So we tutor them for months only to have them never return and have to hotline or they end up dropping out.  95% of the time, it's just pure laziness.  They can't be bothered to get out of bed and go to school, or parent can't be bothered to actually parent and get them to school.  It's ridiculous.  And what are all these kids going to do when they become adults?  Breed, and continue the cycle.... it's maddening.  

Aniki's picture

Gads. I've known two people who were constantly trying to get out of working. BOTH of them (they did not know each other) came to the conclusion that they needed disability because they were TOO DEPRESSED to work. Um, excuse me, but that's up to a doctor(s) to decide. Strangely enough, NO doctor agreed with their self-diagnosis.

If BM is able to go out and have fun, I hope whoever is investigating her disability checks out what she does in her spare (fun) time. Do they need a nudge? Diablo

Sweet T's picture

Things like this irritate me. I have MS and work a full time job. I had an accident a month ago because of an uneven  side walk that was not shoveled,  fell, injured my shoulder, have a bulging disk that is causing terrible leg pain an instability. I hustle my almost 50 year old ass around a fairly large campus and work in a mobile environment. That means I have no assigned cube and work out of a rolling brief case.


I would be ashamed to not work because I can. It just takes some effort to get around.