You are here

My life is falling apart completely...

Stefany.lee's picture

I know the best way to get the best advice is to be 100% honest. So here I am. 

I met my husband 9 years ago when he was divorcing his ex wife, they have two kids together, a boy and a girl at aged 6 and 3. The ex wife was a stripper at that time and she slept with at least 10 different guys when she was still married to my husband and he was staying cause the kids were young and he loved his family. We started dating and he finally married me after a year and half. The ex wife’s boyfriend broke up with her and she ran back to my husband, she told me they were still sleeping together at that time and I didn’t believe it at first but she sent me their “ sex tape”... when I was at work...when I was helping him to run his business... I decided to file for divorce at that time and moved out but he begged me back at the last minute so I gave him a chance.... Things were getting better and I realized he was still telling her he loves her and that he wish they would work out... he told me he couldn’t really let it go and he feels like he is still very attached to them cause they have kids together. They even kiss each other during the kids exchange.... went out for lunches and had sex when I was at work... they use the kids as an excuse for seeing her and talk to her all the time... he even told her he is just using me to run him medical supplies business ( He met me at work... when I was a top sales of the company I worked for then I left my job to help him...) 

I guess he decided to be good to me after he found out she was sleeping with all kind of guys still and lies to him, She started drama and filed TPOs and called CPS on us every week and she even taught the kids to do the same thing... my husband decided to not talk to her or the kids for almost two years ( we’re paying $2000 child support a month)...then we finally have a good relationship and have our first baby... that was the happiest two years I even have with him... then everything went back to nightmares after he decided to take his son on his birthday and shower him with $1000 gift... the ex wife also started calling and texting everyday and told him how much she wants him back and of course she started attacking me in any way possible...I was so stressed out but still try my best to be a good stepmom for the kids... six months ago. CPS called and they said they took the kids after their mom got arrested for domestic violence so we had to let them moved in with us... I was 9 months pregnant with my second baby and my step daughter was very disrespectful to me, she get mad when I told her to put her feet down when she was eating... she got mad when I told her not to talk on the phone and scream and laugh at 3:00am in the morning... she got mad when I told her to put her dirty panties in the hamper instead of throwing them in my living room.... she just gets mad at everything and she always pushes my son after I told her to behave like a lady. I feel like a stranger at my new house , my husband wasn’t supportive at all he said they are little kids only so I should not expect them to be very clean and respectful. She even called her mom and told her I’m horrible because I don’t let her friends come to our house and  I didn’t let her dye her hair in my bathroom.... she told her mom I’m stressing her out and she will kill herself someday. We filed the motion for full custody and she wanted the kids back so she keeps getting child support from us. One day the kids just went straight to their mom’s house and ignored my husband’s calls. Then the next day CPS came to our house and said my step daughter told her friend that she put laundry detergent into my son’s formula and baby cereal when she’s not happy with me , she even spray him with the bleach cleaner........  my husband was very disappointed at that time and let them moved back home with their mom as they wish so everyone was happy for a while. I hate to say that but I feel like I can breathe again in my own house...I have my husband back cause he doesn’t need to drive 3 hours a day cause the kids want to go to the same school...and I can have dinner with my husband again cause his daughter only eats a certain kind of food and he will eat with her instead of me... my life went back to Normal and today the cops called my husband and told him my stepson let his girl friend move into their house and that girl is a missing girl that ran away from the parents...  and the cops realized that their mom wasn’t even home for 3 days cause she was cheating on her boyfriend and they got into a fight, she pointed a gun at his head and told him she will kill all of out and end her life... of course CPS took the kids and called my husband again...

this time I made it really clear that I would not let my step daughter move into our house. Not with what she did and not with my newborn 2nd baby... so he was caught in the middle of Moving out with them or let them go to foster care. He decided to move out with them and rent a hotel room and a house later... I’m home by myself with a 2 years old and a newborn baby...I’m battling with my baby blue every day and night and this doesn’t help me at all. My husband loves those kids way more than the two babies we have I know that. And it’s killing me inside knowing that he picked them instead of us. It’s the toughest situation I even have in my life. I don’t blame my husband for leaving but I wish the kids would just go away..... I thought I would have more love for my step kids after I have the babies , I tried to love them and treat them like my own kids but it’s impossible if the mom is still in the picture and feeding them all those lies..... I’m very sad and disappointed at this point... part of me want to let them all come home but the bigger part of me wish the step kids would just go away........

 

im sorry for the long story and messy typing, I’m crying the whole time and I need to listen to someone else instead of my husband telling me how horrible and selfish I am....

I’m thinking about divorcing him so he can finally be with his kids all the time. I can’t deal with this anymore..... please advise me what you guys think and I’m sure if you are a step mom you would know it’s so hard to be in this position too. I want to know what would you guys do if you were in my boat.  Would you leave your husband cause there is no way to fix the issue or I should let them move back home to me and try to work things out and keep the babies safe? Thank you so much.

Winterglow's picture

How old are the stepkids?

Edit : just saw that they're 15 and 12. Smile And your dh seriously thinks they are just "little kids" that can't be asked to pick up after themselves? *fool*

 

Stefany.lee's picture

He said I “ pick on” them too much... my step daughter gets away with absolutely everything... my husband thought she’s horrible by doing that to my son at the beginning but now he told me” CPS is BS and you don’t even have evidence of her doing that” I asked him what kind of evidence does he needs when my son was having upset stomach at night and rashes on his butt....

fourbrats's picture

I have to say that neither of those things is evidence of anyone doing anything wrong in terms of your baby. A stomach ache sounds like the wrong formula or a sensitivity and infants get rashes. If he were drinking laundry detergent and being sprayed with bleach he wouldn't just have two minor, common infant symptoms. He would have been severely ill. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Yeah, laundry detergent isn't just a soap. It is corrosive (meant to pull out grease and stains from clothes) and would have BURNED the baby's throat. And I mean skin peeling off the inside of the throat, screams and cries of agony, blood in the spit BURN.

Did you notice the formula smelled of detergent? Did it foam when you added water? Did baby throw their head back in disgust at the taste? Babies have super sensitive taste buds. This would not have been something that would go unnoticed.

Also, rash on the butt? Babies sit in wet, fake cloth material. Their skin is already sensitive. Diaper rash happens A LOT. Chaufing is a thing, and it causes rashes. Bleach has a pretty strong smell; how did no one smell it on the baby? How did the baby not cry when being sprayed? How did baby not get a rash anywhere else?

MrsStepMom's picture

Your husband has been scum since day 1! I am sorry you did't see this until you were so involved but you need to file for a divorce, custody and child support. Based on his kids violence getting full custody shouldn't be too difficult. I know it hurts but there were not just red flags but feaking light up signs worth of warnings for a LONG time.

Stefany.lee's picture

My husband is a good person and we have great time together. He just loves the other two kids so much and ignored the two babies we have. He told me because I’m a great mom so he doesn’t need to be worried about the babies but the teenagers he has with the ex has the worst mom you can ever asked for so he needs to take care of them more.... sometime I’m so confused and starting to wonder if he is right about me being selfish . He told me he just loves his kids so much and now he even moved out with them because I won’t let the kids come near my house and my babies. I feel like he’s stuck with those kids cause their mom is a total mess and he feels like that’s his responsibility for taking care of them.. so he said he will have to turn his back on the 3 of us instead of those two kids.... I’m so stressed and lost. Don’t even know what to do and i know I’m so wrong with even blaming everything on his kids.....it’s a bad situation for my husband cause if he chose not to take them the kids will go to foster care... so I have no choice but cry.

Stefany.lee's picture

I guess I just want to believe he’s a good person... I just don’t understand how he can be so involved with the ex and the kids after we get married and have two babies.... and now he moved out with them cause I don’t allow his kids to move in with us...

lieutenant_dad's picture

Because he has always loved her, but he knew she wasn't a good person. He wants to believe she is a good person because he loves her. You and your kids are consolation prizes because you're a better person than his ex.

shamds's picture

you got suckered in to stay and remain with him i don’t know.

you know what a good man is?

he has the following attributes:

- doesn’t sleep around while in a committed relationship/marriage

- doesn’t kiss the exwife

- doesn’t make excuses for apalling skid behaviour

- doesn’t lie to you

- doesn’t continually f*#k around

- doesn’t make excuses or justify skids behaviour when cps comes saying sd poisoned your baby’s formula and food and sprays him/her with bleach

 

a good man is hard to come by but he doesn’t f*ck around continually while his wife works her arse off, he doesn’t cross inappropriate boundaries with the exwife, he lays down the law firmly with skids. The fact he isn’t remotely embarassed about skids behaviour or even apalled says alot about the family you married into and the toxicity you are subjecting 2 babies to in the future. 

I’m concerned if you divorce that there should be a restraining order of some sort where sd is not allowed around (she claimed to poison your kid, cosgot involved meaning she is capable of continually doing it)

if i knew my husband still had feelings for exwife, was sleeping with her and didn’t protect us from his feral kids with ex especially if cps is involved saying they poisoned my babies, hun i’d be out the door and seeking primary custody. No way in hell i’d subject myself and my kids to this hell. 

You are married to a cheating arsehole, don’t excuse him, sugarcoat him and justify him, he is a cheating arsehole...

Aunt Agatha's picture

Nothing you have told us suggests your husband is a good guy.  He cheats on you, prioritizes cruel older children over helpless infants, gaslights you, the list goes on.

Consider finding a professional to talk to.  From what you’ve written, you could have post partum depression, and your selection of a partner suggests you do not value your own self worth nearly enough.  I’m in no way a mental health professional, but if you were my sister, I would be helping you find someone myself.

Get yourself and your kids away from this terrible situation, and please work on doing what is best for you and your little ones (and hint: what isn’t good for you is this dumpster fire of a husband & his evil spawn).

Curious Georgetta's picture

You not out of love but because of convenience. You could help to run his business.

That was not a solid foundation upon which to build.a strong marriage.

It appears that to the extent that he is capable of emotional bonding, he has made that bond with his ex and his older children. They are his emotional family.

In summary, your husband is a serial cheater who is emotionally unavailable to you.

You are an adult , and you can  spin this situation in any way that you need to justify staying  married to this man.  Your children, however, deserve a parent who is emotionally available to them.

It may be financially convenient to stay with this man, but if you choose to do that recognize that like him you are not in the marriage for love and fidelity. You are in the marriage for convenience, and your expectations should be the expectations that come with being in a relationship that is based upon money and convenience.

Many women remain in unhappy marriages because it is easier to stay than it is to take all of the steps required to become independent and self sufficient particularly when there are children involved.

 Emotionally, he has never been vested in you, and you long ago surrendered  your self esteem to him.  As long as dignity and self esteem do not matter to you, and his  emotional unavailability to your children does not matter, you have no reason to leave.

In his defense, he has never made any effort to hide his character from you. He has not done a bait and switch. You chose this man and then became disenchanted with the product that you knowingly and willingly chose.

It is glaringly apparent that you want to stay with this man. To that end, you need to get some professional help to assist in living wit this man as he is. You are half way to that goal.

Everyone of us has the  right to choose the life situation that works for us. The one that you have chosen is not a choice that many of us would willingly choose, but  hopefully it will prove to be one in which your children are not emotionally damaged. It may indeed not be the best relationship decision making to model for your daughter.

Good luck as you move forward.

 

 

 

 

tog redux's picture

OP, you fought for this guy, thinking he was some kind of prize, even after he showed you repeatedly that he was not loyal to you.  And then you had two children with him.

How would you feel if he abandoned your children to be with a new partner (it's inevitable that he will move on)?  You would likely call him a deadbeat, etc, for doing that to YOUR kids.

I'm sorry you are in pain, but I actually give him credit for taking care of his older kids and not abandoning them because you want him to.

Please get some therapy and look at your own actions here, so you can stop blaming children for the failure of your marriage.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Document everything and get a cut-throat attorney and try to get full custody of your kids. Then, nail your asshole ex for C$.

Curious Georgetta's picture

this man. He has in no way deceived her. He is as he has always been. Why now does she need to be punitive?

You do not need to punish someone for being who they are particularly when they made absolutely no effort to deceive you.

If they end up in divorce court , all that she is entitled to is a fair distribution of assets.

It would be far more important for her to understand why she was willing to engage in and continue with this relationship.

 

 

Stefany.lee's picture

We have original baby detergent at home and i blame myself for not paying attention when I was feeding the 2 year old. He cries at night and said his stomach was hurting really badly and I did saw some bleach stains on his pants/shirts but honestly I didn’t pay much attention ( she said she spray the cleaner inside his diapers)cause you would not even think anyone would do that to a 2 year old? My son told me his sister is very mean to him but I know she’s a pre teenager so I thought it was normal. My step daughter admitted to the CPS lady she did it and she was worrying about his safety and health, she said she only did it for a handful of times when she was mad at me.

I know my husband did a lot of horrible stuff to me and treated me poorly. But he changed a lot in the past 3-4 years. I honestly don’t even know why I’m staying with him, maybe because I really love him and we went through a lot together? I honestly don’t know. 

I agree with one of you calling me and my kids “consolation prizes” to him... cause that’s how I feel about the way he looks at us. He treats us good but his other two always come first....

Rags's picture

Please tell us that you pressed charges against that toxic POS crotch turd.  And hopefully you sued DH and his toxic womb donor for their POS kid's crap. If not... call a lawyer and nail them all to the wall by their private parts.

Grrrrrrr!

Aggressive

Rags's picture

You married a man who married, spawned, and never stopped having sex with a stripper. 

What do you expect? 

Quit playing games with this toxic duo and their children.  File for divorce, nail your DH for a pile of CS and move on with your life.

Do what you can to protect your young children from this shallow and polluted gene pool.

 

Stefany.lee's picture

You guys are right. He’s a POS. I wanted to talk to him today in person and he walked away and said he can’t even go back to the house he paid for cause I’m a crazy bitch , he said everything is MY FAULT....omg