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Vengeful Baby Mama... Please need advice

MomOfTwo1313's picture

My husband and I have been attending marriage counseling as well and individual counseling for the past 4 months and so far so good. Our daughter is happy and my son is doing great. You would think I would start enjoying my peaceful life but not if my husband babymama can help it, I guess. This isn’t just another post to bash baby mama. What I’m stating are facts not assumptions to make her look bad. The problem is this. She has played a huge role in causing drama in my home since I met my husband. Mostly after we married. From trying to turn their two kids against me, stealing my husbands tax money, constantly texting a calling husband about her abusive and drug addict boyfriend she chooses to stay with, saying she doesn’t have food for the kids even though she always gets her child support on time and received extra cash on the side for school clothes etc from my husband and I. Yes, I understand it’s his responsibility as a father. I’m just making it clear that we actually make it a point to make sure the kids are taken care of. From a drug overdose, suicide attempt, using me as personal babysitter, overdosed and trying to commit suicide in front of son last year. I mean this women is exhausting to keep up with. We tried working with her and helping her but she only took advantage and continued her ways. So, for the past year she hasn’t worked and yet isn’t able to take her son to her drs appointment and schedules them on my husbands day. Kids complain that she sleeps all day, drinks and doesn’t make them breakfast because she always sleeps in and never has time to make them any. It’s so hard to watch since I’m a step mom and I can’t only help without really legally having a say. My husband has always tried to avoid drama with her and he’s always tried to help even though it has effected our marriage. Situation has only gotten worse with her. Well after all the back story of all this I needed advice on a recent event. About 2 weeks ago they’re son (12) called me and asked to speak to his dad that it was an emergency. He told us that his mom wanted us to pick him and his sister up because his mom didn’t want them there anymore and “loves her boyfriend more then she loved them”. Her exact words. She got on the phone and said that we need to come get them or she’s going to call foster care to get them. She said she didn’t want the kids and didn’t love them. That she only bought them things so they could “shut the f*** up”. Again, Her exact words. She told us we could have them and have us full custody and that after we got them she didn’t want to hear from us, the kids or her family ever again. That she wanted to be alone. We asked her if she was on drugs or something because she sounded so off and she Said yes. She said that she was on drugs, alcohol and everything we can imagine. My husband called the cops for the first time fearing his kids would be hurt by the time it took us to rush over. When we got there the kids were waiting in the backyard scared. We got an incident report and took the kids home. Her daughter (7) tried texting her crying and her mom blocked her number, my husbands and her sons. A week went by withought hearing from her or her reaching out to the kids. We got a lawyer so we can file and emergency mediation For full custody after her son said they’re was a pipe, burnt foil next to her night stand and we feared she would try to pick him up under the influence and put them in danger. Emergency request got denied and we needed up getting a court hearing for March. The day we filed for the court hearing through our lawyer, their office tried to contact her to give her a let her know what was filed. That same day she called and asked to see the kids. CPS got involved and came over to see how the kids were doing and interviewed the kids and both said they felt safe in our home and didn’t want to move back. She has been to our home once and stayed In her car while the kids went to hangout with her for 30 min since we didn’t want to feel we’re keeping the kids away from her. We just want them safe and away from her constant BS. Today we finally heard back from the social worker and they are having the kids stay with us for a week until she get psychologicaly evaluated and then they will go from there. I guess his ex decided to make herSelf sound like a victim and saw an opportunity to isolate me in this situation. She told the social worker that I was a problem and wouldn’t allow them to co parent. Which is not true. The social worker told me to step aside and this is between my husband and his ex only. I explained to her that on the days she was too drunk to pick up the kids I took them to school. When she was forced to take rehab classes I watched the kids for her. When she said she didn’t have food for the kids in her home I took them grocery shopping and told my husband to take the food over. When she tried to overdose to kill herself I took the kids for 3 months while she went out with her boyfriend and got her hair done claiming she needed time to herself to get better. While still paying the full child support. She told the CPS lady that this has nothing to do with me but it has everything to do with me since my husband works and I take care of both kids. While taking care of my own. 4 kids total 8 month old while working at home. I can’t believe how all of a sudden I became the issue when it was all her bad choices that has gotten her here. So today she texted my husband asking to go out to dinner with her and the kids alone. My husband told her he didn’t feel comfortable with that. He told her she can come and hang out with the kids outside until the evaluation next week. She told him that that not him trying to co parent with her Suggesting she was going to tell CPS. I just don’t know what to do anymore

Comments

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

This is some seriously messed up stuff. Not only for your household, but the kids. Don't worry about her telling CPS that he won't go to dinner with her and the kids, that's a non-issue, and definitley not a requirement for co-parenting.

DOn't worry about her telling the social worker you're the issue. Psycho did that in her response to the court. It NEVER came up. The judge didn't care, the lawyer didn't care, and Psycho was too busy trying to make Bambi eyes at the judge to bring it up herself.

I'm assuming CPS is talking to you guys too? If you have any of this documented. Then hand it over. Don't deal with the crap any more than required.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

Yes, they said they will be stopping by and checking up with the kids at school as well. BM also told my husband that she’s going to make sure to get every kid in this household away including my daughter and son. I feel like the shoe got switched around and now I have to defend myself. I don’t know what to do. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Keep your nose clean. we've had quite a few CPS investigations (thank you Psycho). As long as there isn't anything that's a threat in the household. She can lie her a$$ off and they'll jsut roll their eyes. Your kiddos should be okay. She has nothing on you.

Just take a deep breathe, pick up the house, and prepare for the investigation Smile You'll be fine. When they come over they really just check that the kids have somewhere to sleep, there's food in the fridge or pantry, and that there are clothing that fit. Don't stress Smile

MomOfTwo1313's picture

Thank you for that. This situation is emotionally draining. I’m juay praying it turns out ok because I can’t handle this a second time around. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I understand it being emotionally draining. I have CPS coming today or tomorrow now as well. But as I said, just pick up and take a deep breath. You got this!!!

MomOfTwo1313's picture

They came this past Monday and inspected the house and spoke to the kids. They want the kids to stay here until the 11th and requested for her to get psychologically evaluated before then and they’ll go from there. They think the kids would be safer at my home and they’re being well taken care of. In the mean time they want my husband and her to work out the visitations until the 11th. Since the BM blamed me getting in between their co parenting the CPA said I need to step aside. Which infuriates me because I do so much for her kids and witness so much. I can’t step aside and yet do everything for her kids. Now, she’s asking my husband to meet her alone at a restaurant for dinner with the kids. Her goal I believe is to break us up along the way. I can’t believe she actually asking him to do that 

Iamwoman's picture

Whatever you and DH donwith CPS, do NOT give your opinions of BM. Just state the facts. CPS is poorly trained to look for alienation - they assume any bad opinions of the other parent is automatically alienation and will get you on it. This something our GAL nabbed HCBD on. He and his wife said ugly things about me (of which I can’t even imagine, so whatever), and they were nabbed as the alienators they are.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

I told her I was stating facts but she treated me as if I was falsely accusing and trying to talk bad about her out of spite. She asked me to leave her mistakes in the past even though it just happened like 2 days ago. I’m afraid to say and do anything now since they made me feel like I just need to shut up, not complain and just help BM out when she needs it otherwise I’m coming in between their co parenting. Can a lawyer help out with this?

Iamwoman's picture

A lawyer will definitely help your case more than a CPS agent will.

Everytime DD was abused, I called CPS and they did absolutely nothing. This is why children die regularly under the "watch" of CPS.

There was a story last spring from my area where a stepfather was watching his girlfriend's kids in a motel while she worked at night..ahem. Anyway, someone staying at the hotel called child protective services because he heard children screaming and banging around in a nearby room.

Child services showed up, talked tot the stepdad (BF- -whatever), and without even speaking to the children decided that everything was fine...

The mom came back 4 hours later, and her youngest son was dead in bed after being thrown against the walls repeatedly by the stepdad/BF. The cops came and arrested him.

The real tragedy of the story was that when CPS made their visit 4 hours earlier, that boy was still alive. They could have saved his life, but failed him - which is typical of CPS.

DD is currently seeing the best psychologist in the area. This psychologist told me that she regularly hears stories about CPS fails,and recounted one client in particular, whose son suffered repeated abuse by his father, and even when his skull was fractured, CPS called the case "unfounded."

What you need to protect those kids is a good lawyer, and a guardian ad litem (GAL) who will speak for the kids in court (a good lawyer will find you the best GAL). Children will not be helped without a GAL these days. CPS is worthless.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

It’s so scary that kids do not get protected. I feel like they investigate the parents that called even more the. Who for calles on. We’re treated like we’re exaggerating. And all of a sudden the step mom that protects them and picks up the slack while their mother does what she wants and puts them in danger- Gets told to back off. I just don’t get it 

MomOfTwo1313's picture

BM texted him that either she can meet her for dinner with the kids or he can drop them off at her house which the CPS lady asked them not to leave the kids alone with her right now. DH got upset because I told him those weren’t his only two options. He snapped and said he was tired that I needed to stop telling him what to do with his own fuc*** kids. He said he’s in the middle and couldn’t please me or her... I’m so hurt right now 

Want2's picture

You have really been in a rough roller coaster ride but for some reason you keep coming back for more. CPS told you to butt out and since you’ve apparently tried everything else with no success maybe you should take their advice. Stop babysitting his kids. You do have a choice. You’ve had nothing but problems with your DH and his relationship with his ex, maybe you should butt out of that too. People here tried to warn you about going back to him but you did it anyway because now he’s “all better.” Now the problem is all BMs fault. And you don’t know what to do about her.

Short answer is nothing. She’s not your problem and you should be putting boundaries in place that prevent her from being your problem.

Or you could continue doing what you’re doing until it all blows up and let your own kids be collateral damage. Again.

Iamwoman's picture

First of all, welcome to steptalk! What you may see as “biomom bashing” here is just SM’s venting after years or decades of going through situations similar to what you’ve just described. All of our situations are based on facts and real events - utter insanity from biomom - and we have all found different ways to cope, ranging from minor adjustments, to disengagement, and so on...

You are dealing with a high conflict bio mom. Most of us here do too, which is why we are here. After a while, the type of drama you see your skid’s BM causing will become less surprising but no less stressful. She will not change. This is The most important thing to remember: these crazy women NEVER change. They LOVE being crazy and all of the attention and drama and misery that accompanies their choices. They love it. They may say they hate it, but they are obviously getting some sort of intrinsic reward or they wouldn’t do it. They love it, and won’t change.

It looks like your DH, and the BM are headed into a major court battle so he can save his kids. Follow the advice of the CPS lady (I don’t usually say that, because in my and most other people’s experience CPS is worthless for child protection), and disengage from this crazy mess.

Take care of your own children, and do only what you WANT to do for your skids.

Here is what is a big deal and BM has going against her:

drugs

booze

inconsistent visitation

saying cruel things to her children

... as long as all of these things are being documented (written accounts with no emotion behind the writing, video, photos, emails, texts) these can be used against BM as evidence in court. Without documentation, it’s all hearsay. Document.

Do not get into ANY conversations or arguments with BM. Let your DH handle that. He needs to document. The courts don’t like stepmoms being in the middle of a bioparent battle, unless you are just a mindless robot assistant to your DH, who calls the shots AS DOCUMENTED. This is important.

Also, stop driving the kids to school on Bm’s days. The courts need to see that she is incapable of getting them to school, and unfortunately, this means they will miss a few days.

Things that don’t matter:

making breakfast for the kids (they are old enough to make their own at 7 & especially 12!)

kids in the backyard (the reason WHY they were there is important, but simply having a 12 and 7 year old in the backyard unsupervised is a-ok)

This is best info I can give based on what is provided. This is your DH’s battle - not yours.

 

MomOfTwo1313's picture

Thank you for your advice. Everything has been documented and even have her recorded admitting to most of the things she did with the kids. I have to take the kids to school because she usually stays out or doesn’t pick up the kids on Sunday evenings on her weekend and my husband has to go to work early the next day so I’m stuck taking them

MomOfTwo1313's picture

BM texted him that either she can meet her for dinner with the kids or he can drop them off at her house which the CPS lady asked them not to leave the kids alone with her right now. DH got upset because I told him those weren’t his only two options. He snapped and said he was tired that I needed to stop telling him what to do with his own fuc*** kids. He said he’s in the middle and couldn’t please me or her... I’m so hurt right now 

Harry's picture

This is the rest of your life.  I know you are venting. But You have to cut off all this communication with BM, all she does is cause drama,  She likes drama. Or She will destroy your life.  No phone calls, text only or e mail, you want hard copy’s of all communication with BM.  Best of luck 

MomOfTwo1313's picture

BM texted him that either she can meet her for dinner with the kids or he can drop them off at her house which the CPS lady asked them not to leave the kids alone with her right now. DH got upset because I told him those weren’t his only two options. He snapped and said he was tired that I needed to stop telling him what to do with his own fuc*** kids. He said he’s in the middle and couldn’t please me or her... I’m so hurt right now 

MomOfTwo1313's picture

Thank you everybody for your responses. I do have her recorded admitting a lot of stuff while her kids were talking to her on the phone when she first called them a week later. Her oldest son confronted her and told her he was sick of all this. He told her he wanted to live with us from now on. Her daughter also thinks the same but she is more attached to her mom which I understand. She misses her but at the same time she doesn’t want to go back. I’m just worried that what we have won’t be enough in court. We handed everything over to CPS and for some reason they’re acting like it’s a co parenting problem instas of a problem with her. She needs help and I wholeheartedly say that. I do feel for her but at the same time I care and feel more for her kids. I scared that what we have as proof won’t be enough to get custody. I fear they they will be put back in a home where they’ll be coming out more damages that they did this time. I just don’t know if all this will be enough to get them out until she gets the help she really needs 

Winterglow's picture

If they have ordered a psych evaluation for her then this is NOT just a coparenting problem for them ...

MomOfTwo1313's picture

I really hope not because the CPS lady made it sound like I was the issue. I’m not sure if she just tried to make it sound like that since BM was there listening or she really thinks that’s all this is 

tog redux's picture

This woman wants your husband back how he used to be, or maybe just back with her, and she thought she had accomplished getting rid of you when you separated. Now, most likely because of you (in her mind), he is no longer texting back and forth with her, which she calls "coparenting".  That's what she told CPS - you stopped him from co-parenting with her because you don't want him texting her so much.

He hasn't set any boundaries on her before and now he is doing so, and she's in punishment mode.  It won't be fun.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

I have definitely thought about that. Obviously wants me out of the picture. I feel like she’s using this situation to win my husband back and get them on her side and feel sorry for her. Very disrespectful for her to ask to meet alone and have dinnerwith her and the kids and try to play family while I’m at home with our daughter alone. That’s not co parenting. That’s taking advantage of the situation. I honestly feel that him having a family and a decent life now gets to her and makes her think that it’s not fair that he wasn’t able to make a life with her. This is all a punishment and she feels like she’s entitled to make it up to her. I’m afraid she will try to get my husband back playing the damsel in distress while she’s sacrificing her kids well being and safely. I’m so lost for words and can’t understand how a mother can act this way. Takes everything I have not to confront her. She claims she wants to meet for dinner with my husband and the kids alone because of the animosity we have but yet I’ve been carrying her slack and doesn’t have a problem with that. Animosity that she caused and yet I feel like I have to pay for it. I feel trapped and I don’t know what to do 

Siemprematahari's picture

Step back, let the pieces fall where they may. You and H have done everything you can possibly do, now leave it up to the court and pray for a positive outcome for those kids. Although easier said than done....stressing about it will not help nor change the circumstances. You both know she's a toxic mother that desperately needs help. I hope when the psych eval is done that they see she's in need of some serious therapy.

Take care of you & yours and make sure everything on your front is in line. Do not allow this woman to rob you of your sanity. Deal with the situation as it comes.

 

MomOfTwo1313's picture

BM texted him that either she can meet her for dinner with the kids or he can drop them off at her house which the CPS lady asked them not to leave the kids alone with her right now. DH got upset because I told him those weren’t his only two options. He snapped and said he was tired that I needed to stop telling him what to do with his own fuc*** kids. He said he’s in the middle and couldn’t please me or her... I’m so hurt right now 

Step-girlfriend's picture

This is a hot mess. Everyone above has good points, and might I add that in this case, I think having the Our Family Wizard app mandated for communication (all communication goes through the app, and the court can view the communication if needed) would be helpful. This way, all of her crazyness is documented, and it takes the wind out of their sails to not be able to text/call whenever they please, and also knowing that it is a court document. Crazy was messaging and calling constantly, causing all kinds of issues. This app honestly probably saved my sanity and our relationship, because I couldn't continue the way it was. We rarely hear from her now, and I never communicate with her at all. It's amazing, I highly recommend it. Results may vary I'm sure.

Side note, no reason a 12yr old should be expecting someone to make him breakfast....SD9 and SS12 have been fending for themselves for breakfast for years now. Cereal, oatmeal, eggos, toast, scrambled eggs. SD9 is learning pancakes. If they are going to be with a worthless mother, hopefully your DH (and most likely you) are teaching them independence so they are able to make whatever food is available to them at her house and not depend on her for necessary things.

 

Siemprematahari's picture

This app is a saving grace Step-girlfriend! I could have used this app many moons ago :).

MomOfTwo1313's picture

Problem is that I suggested something like this for my husband a while ago and in all honestly him and ex delete texts which according to him is her asking him for money or groceries and he’s afraid to get me mad and he deletes them. So I don’t think he even wants to have this app for records. We actually just got in a fight right now. BM texted him that either she can meet her for dinner with the kids or he can drop them off at her house which the CPS lady asked them not to leave the kids alone with her right now. DH got upset because I told him those weren’t his only two options. He snapped and said he was tired that I needed to stop telling him what to do with his own fuc*** kids. He said he’s in the middle and couldn’t please me or her... I’m so hurt right now 

shamds's picture

when you’re the one caring for the kids when hubby is at work, you are their mummy figure and caring for them.

this is the issue with stepparents, we have and take on the mummy/daddy responsibilities often like feeding, bathing, homework etc but the moment cps/authorities get involved, you are told to step away that this has nothing to do with you.

i think what you should do is tell hubby “we should be a united front so when the authorities come over and they say i need to step away that this has nothing to do with me that hubby needs to firmly but politely say excuse me but this is my wife, she cares for these kids daily when here, feeds them, cares for them, nurses them when sick, does homework, takes them for activities etc so she has every right to be here as this conversation and issue with exwife affects her everyday. Everytime she overdoses or kick the kids out of home, my wofe is caring for them so she will stay here”

just wondering why did emergency custody get denied?

MomOfTwo1313's picture

He did tell the CPS lady that and the BM made it seem like co parenting was the issue. Not everything else that is happening. What hurts is that I would expect CPS to say that but my husband yelled at me and told me to let him to what ever the fuc** he needed to do with his own kids. That just shut me down. All bacuase he got upset because she wanted to see the kids yesterday and told him hisnonly options would be to go out to dinner with her and the kids alone or drop them off at her house which CPS told us not to leave the kids alone with her until she gets psychologically evaluated. She told H that if he doesn’t choose one that’s she’s going to call CPS and tell them that he doesn’t want to do parent with her. I told him that she doesn’t call the shots and he got mad and yelled at me I front of the kids which I’m sure they will tell their mom and the mom will get extremely happy