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my life is falling apart completely because of my stepkids...

Stefany.lee's picture

I know the best way to get the best advice is to be 100% honest. So here I am. 

I met my husband 9 years ago when he was divorcing his ex wife, they have two kids together, a boy and a girl at aged 6 and 3. The ex wife was a stripper at that time and she slept with at least 10 different guys when she was still married to my husband and he was staying cause the kids were young and he loved his family. We started dating and he finally married me after a year and half. The ex wife’s boyfriend broke up with her and she ran back to my husband, she told me they were still sleeping together at that time and I didn’t believe it at first but she sent me their “ sex tape”... when I was at work...when I was helping him to run his business... I decided to file for divorce at that time and moved out but he begged me back at the last minute so I gave him a chance.... Things were getting better and I realized he was still telling her he loves her and that he wish they would work out... he told me he couldn’t really let it go and he feels like he is still very attached to them cause they have kids together. They even kiss each other during the kids exchange.... went out for lunches and had sex when I was at work... they use the kids as an excuse for seeing her and talk to her all the time... he even told her he is just using me to run him medical supplies business ( He met me at work... when I was a top sales of the company I worked for then I left my job to help him...) 

I guess he decided to be good to me after he found out she was sleeping with all kind of guys still and lies to him, She started drama and filed TPOs and called CPS on us every week and she even taught the kids to do the same thing... my husband decided to not talk to her or the kids for almost two years ( we’re paying $2000 child support a month)...then we finally have a good relationship and have our first baby... that was the happiest two years I even have with him... then everything went back to nightmares after he decided to take his son on his birthday and shower him with $1000 gift... the ex wife also started calling and texting everyday and told him how much she wants him back and of course she started attacking me in any way possible...I was so stressed out but still try my best to be a good stepmom for the kids... six months ago. CPS called and they said they took the kids after their mom got arrested for domestic violence so we had to let them moved in with us... I was 9 months pregnant with my second baby and my step daughter was very disrespectful to me, she get mad when I told her to put her feet down when she was eating... she got mad when I told her not to talk on the phone and scream and laugh at 3:00am in the morning... she got mad when I told her to put her dirty panties in the hamper instead of throwing them in my living room.... she just gets mad at everything and she always pushes my son after I told her to behave like a lady. I feel like a stranger at my new house , my husband wasn’t supportive at all he said they are little kids only so I should not expect them to be very clean and respectful. She even called her mom and told her I’m horrible because I don’t let her friends come to our house and  I didn’t let her dye her hair in my bathroom.... she told her mom I’m stressing her out and she will kill herself someday. We filed the motion for full custody and she wanted the kids back so she keeps getting child support from us. One day the kids just went straight to their mom’s house and ignored my husband’s calls. Then the next day CPS came to our house and said my step daughter told her friend that she put laundry detergent into my son’s formula and baby cereal when she’s not happy with me , she even spray him with the bleach cleaner........  my husband was very disappointed at that time and let them moved back home with their mom as they wish so everyone was happy for a while. I hate to say that but I feel like I can breathe again in my own house...I have my husband back cause he doesn’t need to drive 3 hours a day cause the kids want to go to the same school...and I can have dinner with my husband again cause his daughter only eats a certain kind of food and he will eat with her instead of me... my life went back to Normal and today the cops called my husband and told him my stepson let his girl friend move into their house and that girl is a missing girl that ran away from the parents...  and the cops realized that their mom wasn’t even home for 3 days cause she was cheating on her boyfriend and they got into a fight, she pointed a gun at his head and told him she will kill all of out and end her life... of course CPS took the kids and called my husband again...

this time I made it really clear that I would not let my step daughter move into our house. Not with what she did and not with my newborn 2nd baby... so he was caught in the middle of Moving out with them or let them go to foster care. He decided to move out with them and rent a hotel room and a house later... I’m home by myself with a 2 years old and a newborn baby...I’m battling with my baby blue every day and night and this doesn’t help me at all. My husband loves those kids way more than the two babies we have I know that. And it’s killing me inside knowing that he picked them instead of us. It’s the toughest situation I even have in my life. I don’t blame my husband for leaving but I wish the kids would just go away..... I thought I would have more love for my step kids after I have the babies , I tried to love them and treat them like my own kids but it’s impossible if the mom is still in the picture and feeding them all those lies..... I’m very sad and disappointed at this point... part of me want to let them all come home but the bigger part of me wish the step kids would just go away........

 

im sorry for the long story and messy typing, I’m crying the whole time and I need to listen to someone else instead of my husband telling me how horrible and selfish I am....

I’m thinking about divorcing him so he can finally be with his kids all the time. I can’t deal with this anymore..... please advise me what you guys think and I’m sure if you are a step mom you would know it’s so hard to be in this position too. I want to know what would you guys do if you were in my boat.  Would you leave your husband cause there is no way to fix the issue or I should let them move back home to me and try to work things out and keep the babies safe? Thank you so much.

ndc's picture

I would leave him. Surely you can do better than this man who has cheated on you and brought so much drama and dysfunction to your life.

Alien's picture

OH.MY.GOD. Is it a real story? Will someone tolerate that??? 

Please, love yourself and your children. 

RUN RUN RUN 

sunshinex's picture

If this is serious, you need to do some serious therapy/soul searching to figure out what makes you stay with someone who treats you so badly. You are worth more and it's scary to me when women let themselves be treated like garbage. Please do get help. Talk to friends and family. Figure something out to leave. 

SteppedOut's picture

Wow.

First off, YES DIVORCE HIM.

Second, make sure you get supervised/restricted visitation due to the sd DANGEROUS behavior and general chaos in your husbands life. 

Third - Are you still working at his company? How much did you help that company grow? You scarificed your own career to help him with his - don't get left out in the cold on that.

Fourth - please see a therapist. You must figure out what made you accept such horrific treatment from your partner to ensure you do not fall into another bad relationship. 

Do NOT let him manipulate you into staying in the relationship. It is bad for you and bad for your children.

This site can be GREAT for support, advice and venting. 

Aniki's picture

I read only your "I met my husband 9 years ago" paragraph and stopped.

This "man" is a POS. He may have divorced his first wife, but they are still emotionally married with ALL OF THE BENEFITS. He is USING you.

Please love yourself more. Find a good therapist and an EXCELLENT lawyer. Give your lawyer all of the evidence of your husband's rampant infidelity and take him to the cleaners in the divorce.

Take care of YOU.

Stefany.lee's picture

Unfortunately It’s a real story... I have been thinking of my marriage and the moving out thing put a stop to all my hopes... I don’t know what is wrong with me. Cause I won’t be ok if my daughter doesn’t get treated fairly... I know I’m stupid but I don’t want to get s divorce so my kids don’t have a complete family anymore. And of course I still love him to these day.

Alien's picture

well alright. Think about that next you cry yourself to sleep: all the things that happen to us we deserve or let happen. 

When is the time time to stop let thing happen?

Aniki's picture

Why do you have so little value for yourself? It is NOT okay for him to treat you like this and to blatantly and repeatedly cheat on you. There are plenty of fish in the sea and no need for you to settle for this bottom-feeder.

SteppedOut's picture

Your relationship with your daughter is going to teach her how she should be treated. Do you want your daughter to grow up and have a relationship with a man like your husband? She will learn that it's acceptable to be treated the way you are.

Also, she is not being treated fairly by your husband now. Too late for that.

Monkeysee's picture

I disagree with the headline you’ve chosen for this post. Your life is not falling apart due to your stepkids. Your life is falling apart because you chose to stay with a man who was cheating on you, and then had two children with him despite how horribly he treated you.

You made these choices for yourself, and the sooner you accept that you’ve chosen this for yourself, the sooner you’ll be able to find the strength to move on.

Girl, you deserve so much better than this. Your kids deserve better than this. An intact family is not the end all be all, and it’s not always in the best interest of the kids to stay with a partner who makes your life so miserable. 

I’d get yourself into counselling, you need to understand why you allow yourself to put up with such terrible treatment. It doesn’t need to be this way, but that’s up to you.

Aniki's picture

Your life is falling apart because you chose to stay with a man

A very poor example of a man.... Monkey, you nailed it to the wall.

Stefany.lee's picture

You guys are right. He’s a POS. I wanted to talk to him today in person and he walked away and said he can’t even go back to the house he paid for cause I’m a crazy bitch , he said everything is MY FAULT....omg