should I just leave or stay?
I’m so depressed lately and don’t even know what to do so I decided to put my story here and hope you guys can help.
There is a post about a cheating DH and two crazy teenagers and I feel like I actually wrote that post.... my situation is not as bad as hers, my DH didn’t cheat on me with his ex but the bio mom is just as bad as hers and my stepchildren were living with me for 4 months before I finally put a stop to the craziness and told the DH to send the children home to their mom but he chose to move out with them. A little background here, my stepchildren are 15 and 13, SS is a good kid but my SD is a spoiled little princess. She’s very disrespectful and I’m currently pregnant with my second baby ( I also have a 3 year old girl with my DH ) I’m a working mom so I’m very tired at the end of the day already, my SD is a mini wife, she runs my household for me by telling me she can do anything in my house because her daddy told her so. She’s very dirty and she tells her mom everything about me and my household. I hate to say I don’t like her, but I honestly think I hate her sometime. She used her dirty shoes to hits my girl’s head one time and my DH told me she was just “ playing “ with her sister. She pushed my girl to the ground and kicked her and my DH said teenagers are mean to little kids because they are annoying. I told him if she hurts my girl again I would not just let her get away with it. Then she called her mom and said I threatened her and said I would kill her, and of course CPS came to my house and told me they reported me. I told my husband I couldn’t deal with them and the stress that they gave me and my household so he moved out... he told me he didn’t have a choice because their mom is an unfit homeless mother so he needs to be there for them. He moved out like a month ago and just come home and visit us for 30 mins twice a week..... I’m so pregnant and still working long hours everyday, of course I have to take care of my little girl.... it’s flu season and we both got sick so I’m extra tired watching a sick child and my energy level is very low..........I’m very lost at this moment and don’t know if I should just ignore the whole situation and hopefully he will get tired of being a super dad and come home, or I should just divorce my DH and move on with my life. It’s so disappointing we don’t have a hubby and daddy at home anymore. His excuse is I’m a good mom and he trust me with our girl but his other children’s mom is a homeless alcoholic so he needs to make sure they are ok.......someone please give me some advice... I live my husband dearly and I want to tough it out for a few years until they are older but does it going to get better at all?! I mean is it worth to stay? I couldn’t sleep at all and I’m very sick so I will be waiting on you guys to respond. Thanks a lot.
Congratulations on being
Congratulations on being pregnant. My guess is on top of the additional stress from work and step family problems is that you are feeling quite unsupported and scared at the moment. Keep the lines of communication open so you have him ( or your chosen birthing partner) on ‘speed dial’ if you need it. Men sometimes don’t know how to fix things even when they want to. My sons are now 20 and 18 years, and I think mid teens can be a difficult age. I don’t have any other advice I will let other people do that! Good luck.
Thanks a lot. I’m very down
Thanks a lot. I’m very down at this point and I know it’s not good for the baby and my little girl( I’m very grumpy and she’s extra needy lately because daddy is not around anymore) I’m just very upset about not having him at home with me and my little ones because he think his other two kids are not in a “ safe environment “
Thins will only get better if
Thins will only get better if your DH realizes that parenting isn't a spectator sport and actually decides to raise his children rather than letting them raise themselves.
Good luck.
It’s important not to be home
It’s important not to be home alone near the time of the birth (I’m teaching you to suck eggs as you have had a baby before, and sound like a patronising sister in law that you want to slap) and your DH has a responsibility to you and your unborn child so this doesn’t happen, (unless you choose for someone else to support you). Is he reasonably nice to you when he visits you, and easy to talk to?
No haha. It’s so important
No haha. It’s so important that I have someone there for me, he said he has his phone with him 24/7 so he will be ready when I am. They moved 45 mins away from where I live so they kids don’t have to change school. He’s actually pretty stressed out right now because he said I left him with no choice. He said it’s his job to not given up the kids especially when their mom is “ unfit “ I’m still getting up for work in the morning and I wish he would just figure it out with the ex and come home to us. He visited us 3-4 times since he moved out. I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I could get along with his children but they are impossible and my husband would not stop being a Disneyland dad. My blood pressure went up just knowing they are in my house so it’s honestly better for us to just stay in two different places. It’s a horrible feeling I won’t lie.
Is his ex actually "unfit" or
Is his ex actually "unfit" or is this just his projection? You mentioned homeless as well...is she literally homeless? Or living with someone like a parent or sibling?
Frankly, your DH sounds a bit like a drama king and control freak. There's nothing wrong with letting teen children stay with the other parent for a while...if they're causing major problems in your household and the other parent agrees to it. I can't believe he hasn't protected your child together and is endangering your life and the life of your unborn child in favor of his first family kids. That might be cause for more resentment than I could handle...
That's why I'm asking about the biomom. If he's right and she literally is homeless and unfit, then he may be correct that he has no other choice. His teens are minors and they are his responsibility alone while your children are both of your responsibilities. If he's just being overly-dramatic and not wanting to give up any iota of custody...then he does have another choice which is to let them spend more time with their BM.
Exactly this.
Exactly this.
Even if BM is homeless and
Even if BM is homeless and unfit, he still had another option - you know, PARENT his kids. But telling a custodial bio parent that you don't want their kids to live there anymore does put them in a bit of a bind.
Bio mum
Do you know where bio mum is? If the kids are older would your husband be able to live with you ( if you wanted him to) and say pop round daily for a while to make sure the kids have been fed, they have clean washing and are attending school etc, if the kids lived with bio mum? Do the step kids have any grandparents that could help them out too? I’m not trying to shift responsibility from the father. It’s useful step out of the haze sometimes and try and find two or three possible solutions, and see if they might work. It must be very difficult for you. Is she completely unfit or a bit of a minor alcoholic that just needs a bit of help with the kids.
I mentioned that to him. I
I mentioned that to him. I told him the oldest one is 15 and as long as they have food and a cellphone he can come stay with us every other day or something but he said it’s not a good idea because they are still kids......
I know she’s about to get
I know she’s about to get kicked out from her boyfriend’s. She’s not a good person at all, but for 7 years of her taking care of the children, they are completely healthy and well fed. It’s just the SD has a personality like her mom....
Yor DH wants to have his cake
Yor DH wants to have his cake and keep some on the side for those "special occasions". You are worth so much more then this and will soon have 2 little ones to take care of. Find yourself a better man. Best of Luck to You.
Bio mom is an alcoholic and I
Bio mom is an alcoholic and I guess she is a drug user. Her boyfriend found out she was sleeping around so he broke up with her and he started the process of the eviction so she is no allowed to stay in that house in 2 weeks. Her mom lives out of state and bio mom said she’s not stable enough at the moment to take care of her own kids so she wants my husband to take them until she figure something out, I think the boyfriend called CPS on her saying she was not home for two nights but the kids were fine(They are dramatic) so the CPS casework wants my DH to take the kids. They didn’t say the kids are not allowed to be with her but they think it’s better for my husband to be the primary care until she gets a new place. So I don’t even know if he’s allowed to give her back the kids or not. He did mention the ex wants him to fly the kids to her mom during summer break but I’m not sure if that’s true. I heard the grandma is an great old lady so for me the best way to correct the whole issue is the kids stay with their grandma. I really don’t know what my husband wants anymore. I just feel like if he wants to come home to us..... he can find a way. If he doesn’t....then I’m wasting my time by sitting on the backseats with my children/
Bio mum
hi again. Where is bio mum going when she is evicted. Will she go to her mums whilst she gets herself together.
Rock and hard place
You DH is legally responsible for his spawn. They are abusive to your children. So he knows that his young children need to be protected from teen SD, but also that he has to take care of them too. Him not parenting has caused this debacle to happen and continue. The teen should have had some sort of punishment, but he is refusing to do this. Kids dont improve, they get worse if there is no parenting. Plus your kiddlings need protection from the violence.
Added to that, you are prgnant and working and alone. That sux. I would say, stay living separately for now, and then after your child is born, revisit the stay/go scenario. Only you know all the facts, only you are living this.
For myself, I dont have half the issues you do, but I am currently in fight/fight mode.
Thank you guys. I’m actually
Thank you guys. I’m actually fighting with the stomach flu and watching my little girl. I really don’t know how long I can hold myself together..... he went to work and didn’t even bother coming home to see my girl. It’s horrible. I know I shouldn’t but I’m starting to have hateful thoughts about his kids..... I feel like they took everything away from me. I hate feeling like a bitter person. Anyone went through what Im dealing with?
Today I decided to not even
Today I decided to not even answer his calls and texts...... I don’t know why I’m so tired of my life. It’s just so disappointing.
Perhaps separate...
Perhaps separate, work on meeting marriage counseling goals, lay it all out in therapy, and if things don’t improve, divorce so that you can move forward with a happy, healthy life.
Honestly though, this doesn’t sound like a man worth fighting for. I hate to say it, but he basically abandoned his pregnant wife and put his children before you. And when you guys sit down with a marriage counselor, you need to look him in the eyes and tell him that. He needs to understand the severity of walking out of your home during your time of need, not having your back as a married team, and the ripple effect of saying with his actions that he chooses his children over you. That sounds like a piss poor companion who doesn’t know how to be a husband. And I really hate to add this, but you may need to consider this as a practice run for life without him.
He came home today. We talked
He came home today. We talked a little bit and he told me every single person that he talked to told him I’m being very ridiculous by not letting him and his kids move into our house...... he said they said I’m being so childish about the situation and if I’m a bigger person they can all move in and we will not have this two households problems anymore...... they also told him children come first so they are more important than me.... I feel like one of the people that he talked to is the CPS worker. The lady told him fight for full custody in court and take whatever to make sure the children are safe........ I’m so lost. I’m super sick and being really close to my due day..........
He told me his daughter got her first period today and I feel so bad that her mom didn’t even show up to give her support. I mean I will make sure I’m there for my daughter when she get hers.... so I packed him some pads and some pain pills just in case she needs it. I asked him if he talked to his ex about sending back the children back to her and he said she told him not to deal with CPS(I think she pissed off a couple CPS workers before so they hate her and want to get her in trouble ) but she’s a crazy person, she hates me but I’m wondering if I should be the one reach out to her and see if she needs any help so she can get on her own feet and be stable enough to take the kids back, my husband doesn’t know how to deal with women, he refused to talk to her and just want to take her back to court. Today he actually said he doesn’t know what to do, he knows that he wants to come home but he’s not willing to give the children back to her if she is homeless(she gets $1800/ month support but no job) so he said “ if you want to text her or call her and see what’s her deal is then you can choose to help her or not cause I know you’re not going to be happy if I give her money or get her a place, but if you feel like it’s worth to try I think we can workout something with her, I can’t talk to her she stresses me out too much”
so now im thinking if I should try to tell her I’m here to help and let’s try to work it out without CPS and the court system involved. My goal is she can get back on her own life so I can have my husband back. What do you guys think? Have anyone deal with the ex on this kind of level before?
NO!!! You do NOT try to sort
NO!!! You do NOT try to sort out BM's life for her! No matter how good your intentions are it will come back and bite you. And any discussions abouit their kids should be between him and her. Who the heck cares if she stresses him out? Tell him to put his big boy panties on and deal with it.
Reminder: Your stepkids are the way you are because your DH is.not.parenting.them.
As for him discussing his marital problems with every Tom, Dick and Harry ... Of course these people agree with him - they only see his point of view. And he should not be discussing your issues with anyone other than you!
That’s how I feel too. They
That’s how I feel too. They are their children and he chose to have children with her so he needs to deal with her, the rest of his life. But I would say she is impossible to deal with. I was just hoping talking to her can at least have a chance to send her back her kids cause I know if my husband wants full custody in court, she’s going to lose . My husband told me he doesn’t want full custody but he wants to make sure they are living in a safe environment, and I know the ex doesn’t want to lose the kids because she needs the child support to survive, I guess she’s just in a very bad place in life right now and you don’t even know if she’s going to climb outside the hole. So now our future is still an unknown:(
I know it is hearbreaking,
I know it is hearbreaking, however, your DH has clearly demonstrated that he does not give a shit about you or the children the two of you have together. Or more accurately the one you have and the one you will have shortly.
Do not give he or the products of his and BM's shallow and polluted gene pool another thought. Get a killer attorney, take him to the cleaners for next 20 or so years, file a PO keeping his toxic spawn away from your young children and get on with your life.
Your hopefully STBXH dealing with his prior relationship breeding partner is not your problem anymore. He left, change the locks, get on with your life. Ask someone else to be your birthing partner and leave him out of the loop. He is at least 50% responsible for creating the toxic teens he is catering to. As a parent do you really want this guy and his elder spawn polluting your own children any more than they already have?
I get that you are dealing with heavy and intense emotional struggles currently. However, you are a mother, a professional and obviously an intelligent and strong adult. Use your head when dealing with your toxic DH, his toxic XW and their shallow and polluted gene pool. If you keep your head in the game, the emotions will not be quite as overwhelming and you will be much more successful in navigating the protection of yourself and your children. STBXDH, his XW and their children are not and should not be your problem any longer. He made his choice. Rub his nose in the stench of that choice for the rest of his life and move on with you life so that you can be happy and demonstrate for your kids that being a victim isn't happening.
Congratulations on the baby and good luck.
He came home to visit us last
He came home to visit us last night for like10 mins, and he told me he asked his ex if she wants to take the children back and her response is “ I will take them as long as you’re paying child support but I don’t get along with them anymore, they are lazy, never helped me with the house, lies and so disrespectful “ and she said she’s moving out from her boyfriends and will try to get into one of those weekly rentals. I asked him if he could just come home to us since my due date is getting closer and let her stay in the temporary rental that he has so she can stay there with the children plus she have three weeks free rent room until she get her own place.
Then my husband went crazy and started yelling at me” oh do you think 2-3 weeks is enough for someone to find her own place?! I need to at least pay for one more month so the children can go to their grandma’s house during summer break, why the hell you are on my butt every ten mins? ( which is not true, I don’t even see him much) and I think she’s not mentally stable to be a mom, I have to make sure my kids are safe if not I have to stay with them in the apartment because you don’t let me come home “
I wanted to scream at that time....I told him I feel like he just don’t want to send the kids away, he said he wants to come home but his ex wife is not capable enough to be a mom at this moment, I don’t even understand why, there is a lot of mothers out there doing drugs, drinking and live in s trailer but they still take care of their own children, but he said his kids need to be in a safe environment or he will not be ok with letting them go back to their mom. I told him he is finding all kind of excuses for not sending them back, plus the children enjoy living with their Disneyland daddy that never asked them to do one thing at the house.
Im so tired..... my little girl is also very sick so I have to work plus take care of her. She’s starting to feel weird around my husband and I feel the same way. He said he wants to come home but he’s not trying to send those children away, he said he couldn’t because their mom is s homeless.
So tonight he called me after
So tonight he called me after work and said he’s going to take me out to dinner and come home to see our daughter, we were so excited and got ready for him... he texted around 8pm and said” I was waiting for my daughter to take a shower so I can drop her off at her friends, it’s too late for dinner so I’m going to the gym”
i called him and asked him what happened, then he told me his daughter wanted to spend the night at her friends so she went home and took a one hour shower and her friends live 45 mins away from their house and it’s on the opposite side of my house , he was on his way to drop them off..... and he said he can still come over for late dinner like 10:30pm .... I told him not to worry about it anymore , don’t even come home tonight and don’t even worry about coming home anymore. I’m so tired of him, I hate him and I hate his kids so much. I’m sitting here crying with my daughter and I really need support .......
{Hugs}
Doesn't sound as if your troubles are really about skids or BM, at all.
Sorry that you are facing all this now. Breathe. Focus on your child & the one on the way. You can handle this B*S* but honestly maybe not this minute. Cut yourself a bit of slack, focus on what's important right now.
Thank you so much. I’m trying
Thank you so much. I’m trying my very best but it’s so hard. Stepkids will never go back home to their mom and I’m not going to have my husband home... Am I being a drama queen by acting like this?
Not at all! You are in a
Not at all! You are in a temporarily tough spot, but I have to agree with Rags, this doesn’t seem like a salvageable situation. You husband does not seem to care about or respect you at all. Do you have anyone you can turn to- a friend, family member etc? Or even a pregnancy resource center that can help you through this time? I’m sending you good wishes and prayers.
Thank you for your support.
Thank you for your support. He came to my house at 10:30pm last night but I was too upset to even talk to him. He felt as sleep as soon as he sits on a couch because he’s very busy between work and personal stuff lately. I thought he cares about us so he drove all the way to us but his son texted him sround 11pm and I realized his brats are both spending the night at their friends so I got the leftover time. He got up and went to work this morning before I got up, I remembered him kissing me on my forehead but we didn’t talk at all after...... I don’t know why my resentment towards him is building up....... and I’m about to have another baby with him. This is just crazy. Today I dropped my daughter off at my mom’s house cause I need a little bit of my own time. I feel bad for my little girl but I really don’t want to cry in front of her again. Anyone here has the similar situation with me?