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Step Mom Custody Concerns

Anewmom's picture

Hi Moms,
I’m looking for some advice!
I’ve been with my husband for six years now and he has a son from a previous relationship that he has 20% custody of - so he’s with us every other weekend and alternating major holidays.
We recently just had a baby of our or own.
The other day my husband brought up the topic of having his son with us full-time because he is annoyed with the mom and doesn’t feel like she’s helping him enough with his schooling etc... And she has also mentioned the potential of them moving to her home state of Texas so she can have more family support.
I don’t think my husband wants his son to be moving out of state so now he’s thinks that all the sudden we can take him on.
I absolutely am not interested in having my stepson with us full-time.
Especially considering I’d be the one dealing him for the most part since my husband schedule is quite unpredictable.
We had a brief conversation about this over the weekend about this and he was disappointed with my reaction.
I told him that it’s not what I signed up for and that I came into this relationship being comfortable with the custody arrangement as it was.
I have a enough to focus on with our new baby & my own career AND I’m not looking to take on his son full-time.
I would be one thing if my stepsons mother was mentally ill or behaving badly to the child...but they just don’t get along and my husband just wants more control I think...and that’s not my problem.
So I’m wondering if any moms of been similar situations and how you dealt with it without causing too much drama between you and your husband.
Thank you.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

We have the Skids full time... Since last June. I don't have one of my own... But if BM is threatening to move.... Then I understand your husband's sentiments. Is SS badly behaved? Because what could happen, if she tries to move your DH can file a petition to keep SS here, BM will then have a choice (I think, our BM didn't try to move, she just ditched, but I researched some back when she would throw threats at the wind of taking the kids and running with them so DH could never see them again) she can either lose custody of the kid and he stays with DH OR she can decide to not move.

One thing, you have to understand where your DH is coming from. If she moves to Texas, then he could lose the relationship with his son... I don't know how the marriage ended... But especially if it was because of something on her part... That wasn't his fault, and I'm sure he treasures his relationship with his son. If his son leaves, your asking him to give up his child for you... Which to some extent I get you wanting that, since you're his wife, but on the other side, that's putting your DH in a SUPER sucky situation. It sucks, but while you should be his first PRIORITY, the kid is his first RESPONSIBILITY. Which puts you both near the top of the totem pole. Have you thought about talking to him about maybe having a condition? Such as, IF BM moves then SS can come full time, if BM doesn't move then the schedule could remain the same or possibly he could get a little more time with him on the stipulation that he needs to find a way to arrange his schedule to help.

This isn't a way to slight you I'm sure, he's probably just worried about losing his son, if BM moves off with him it's possible she'll alienate SS from him as well, which could completely kill the father/son relationship, which I imagine would hurt your DH something awful.

I do think taking the kids on more time is something that both parties need to be involved in deciding, if you feel you can't handle it, then be honest with DH, don't phrase it like "I hate your kid and I'm happy with this schedule." Try something more along the lines of: "I'm glad you want a relationship with your son and I support that! But I don't know if I can handle having him here full time with your schedule and my own stressors." Then try to come up with a compromise for both of you. I've learned men (or at least my DH) go onto the defensive really fast if they feel like you're just shooting it down. They think they're "logical." They're really more emotional than they think, they just present it in a manner that makes it seem like logic. So you shooting it down probably threw him on the defensive.

I'm a full time parent (I'm a step, but I'm the parent!) And yes it's stressful, but I wouldn't change it. DH gets the relationship with his girls, the girls are FAR better off, and we've found a way to compromise a bit so he's helping more and I feel less stressed (I LOVE my skids, but they still cause me stress!) I know it doesn't work for everyone and I think a large part is determined by your relationship with your SS. If it's good and he's obedient then at least take a little bit of time to think and talk about possibilities with your DH.

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

im coming from this angle as i have had disappointing encounters with my Husbands kids...personally, i would argue against him living with you...i have found from my experience with SSstb18 (he moved in with us since august)...but back with bm-presently ...i had zero ALONE time no intimacy unless at a hotel, had to make extra meals, clean up after him as he sure as heck wouldnt do anything, i mean it -he didnt do a single thing, watch him do nothing with his life and my husband being too busy to do anything...what im trying to say...it will more than likely become your responsibility...i wouldnt want that burden myself again and have told husband i cant do it anymore...i may be a prck for saying "no" to him staying with us again...but it was like living with BM- yuck! maybe you could come to a compromise; as long as bm is alive and kicking- he should stay with her...just my opinion and experience talking...good luck

Acratopotes's picture

Oh you did good Hon, telling your husband straight out NO, not what you signed up for....

he can sulk now as much as he wants, stick to your guns. Make it very very clear as well, if he proceeds with this idea, simply because he wants to show BM who's in control, he better find an alternative job to be a parent for his son, cause you are not going to do it,

SS can still visit holidays, they can skype in the evenings... but DH needs to get it though his pea brain, once you divorce it means you will not have your children 24/7, there will always be shared times with the other parent, you choose this when you divorced now suck it up, life goes on

Rags's picture

IMHO in a marriage to a prior breeder it is important to clearly delineate the boundaries in the relationship regarding what kids will live in the marital home.

In a marriage to an NCP... unless there is a major change in situation then the spouse of the NCP gets full veto rights on a change in the residence of the Skid.

By major change in situation ... what I mean is something along the lines of the death of the CP, imprisonment of the CP or the CP being a danger to the Skid.

Beyond that... the NC Sparent gets full veto rights on the SKid becoming a near full time resident in the NC blended family household.

Not that I have any experience from the NC side of the blended family adventure. My marriage and experience is from the CSP side of the SParent picture.

Just my thoughts of course.