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Am I a horrible person ?

Mummyinneed's picture

A very long story short ...... my partner of 8 years has full custody of his 9 year old son, the son lives with his nan (partners mother) and she has brang him up. When I say brang him up I mean we aren’t allowed a say in his life, she has completely controlled everything !! Now she is completely attached as if he was her own and same for the boy. Anyway.... we have him whenever we can weekends and holidays, this boy has EVERYTHING he wants, he is VERY spoilt! 

We also have a nearly 5 year old boy together and I’m also currently pregnant and expecting a girl! 

A typical week in my household is fairly relaxed, work, school, beech, Park, normal routines and behaviour but as soon as Friday comes it all feels up in the air, as soon as my stepson arrives the house gets a bit crazy, he’s allowed to do whatever he wants and if I say anything it feels as if I’m picking on him, he’s rude and constantly wants something, my son of 5 is more grown up then my 9 year old stepson! His dad lets him stay up till god knows what time and watches whatever he likes on tv. 

Now all this said the biggest problem is myself, I distance myself away from it all. I’ve started planning meals with friends when I know he’s coming just so I can get out the house. My mood changes when he comes and I feel angry and stressed (not good when pregnant) my attitude towards my son and partner change and I become snappy and irritated. I have never felt so negative towards a child and I feel ashamed. It eats me up every single day. I want to be able to hug and kiss him like I do my own son but to be honest I can’t even be in the same room as him. His voice irritates me and everything he does annoys me. I know I’m horrible! I don’t know if I can take much more of it. It’s depressing me and it’s affecting my little boys life and soon it will affect my babies. I love my partner with all my heart, I’d never be with another man but is it fair to stay in a relationship when I can’t commit to his son? I wouldn’t want him knowing how I feel and I don’t want his son knowing either. I’m always polite and kind towards him however I never show any affection. I don’t think I can.....


SteppedOut's picture

If your husband has custody why is his son with his grandmother? Why doesn't he have a say in his upbringing - your husband DOES have a say, he has the ONLY say as he has full custody... however, now it may be a bit sticky since the child has lived there for so long... where is the mother of the child?

I'm affraid it will be hard to give advice without knowing more of the situation...

ESMOD's picture

Yes... many questions.  I would personally have been very reluctant to have a child with someone who basically dumped his kid on his mother instead of being the parent that he should have been to the boy.  I imagine if OP examines things pretty closely she will see that SHE is the one expected to parent her son with this guy and she will also be the one to do the heavy lifting with her daughter when she comes.  Sure.. dad may play with the kid some.. but parent.. discipline.. care for?  I bet it's almost 100% OP.  And... if the relationship goes south, I think she can count on him not wanting much responsibility there either.

Disneyfan's picture

You are not horrible, but your partner sure is.  He has full custody of his, but instead of raising the boy himself, the kid has been dumped on the grandparents.  

What happens when the grandparents are no longer able to raise the kid? Or they just want to simply enjoy their senior years?

Since your husband is making the choice not to raise his son, he should not have a say in anything that the grandparents are doing.  

Mummyinneed's picture

Thank you for all your comments, 

my partner has tried many many times to get the son to live with us, but the grandmother has non of it, she spoils him rotten! She used to promise him toys just so he’d want to go home after staying on a Saturday, he adores her and sees her as a mother figure. It eats away at my partner and I think he blocks it out. 

He had him very very young and the mother was a waste of space (still is) she has had no contact since he was 1.

hes a AMAZING dad to my son and I couldn’t wish for better but towards the stepson he just lets him get away with anything just to keep him happy so he doesn’t wanna go home to his nan. 

I feel like I can’t take anymore now.. 

SteppedOut's picture

What do you mean he's tried to get him to live with you but he won't? It is NOT the child's decision. 

Your husband needs to have a very frank discussion with his mother if he really wants him to live with you as a family. That being said....exactly how long has he been with grandma? Maybe it would be better for him to stay with her as a disruption like moving, changing schools, etc is difficult  (depending on her age, etc.).  

At a minimum your husband must control the child while he is in your home.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I mean this as non-harshly as possible:

Your DH is not a good father to his son. A good father would not allow his child to rule over where he lives or what he does. He could not have been so young when he had SS that he couldn't care for him unless he was equally young when he had children with you.

The fact is, your DH probably feels guilty for having his son younger than was advisable and with a woman who wants nothing to do with him. Instead of parenting properly, he is parenting out of guilt. His own mother feeds into it, for whatever reason, and it has created a holy terror child.

Your DH has the ability to end this. All he has to do is say "no" to his son and mother. He can place his son and himself into therapy so they can rebuild their relationship. He can BE a good parent, especially if he is with your own kids.

The problem is that those things take effort and time, and your DH is too lazy and scared to do it. Your resentment and frustration isn't aimed at your SS; it's aimed at your DH. However, it is easier to resent the person that causes the noise and doesn't follow the rules that you don't love (which is perfectly fine - you don't HAVE to love your SS, and it doesn't make you a horrible person) than it is to put the blame and resentment on the person that you love who allows and ENCOURAGES the behavior.

You don't have an SS problem. You have a DH problem. Until he steps up and takes back the reigns from his mother, this will continue to be your life. He needs to stop worrying about making his kid HAPPY and start worrying about raising a child into a productive adult.

You also need to voice your concerns. You should never be afraid to speak up. If speaking up about this ruins your marriage, then your marriage was built on a shaky foundations under false pretenses to begin with. Make the commitment to yourself that you will speak up. Read around here a bit and you'll pick up some good tips on talking to your spouse.

Good luck!

ESMOD's picture



Also think of the insecurity that your daughter will have.  He got rid of his son.. will it be any different for her? 

It probably has gone on for far too long already but he needs to put his foot down with mom and get his kid back.

I mean.. do we give an addict drugs because they whine? no.. it's not good for them.. the kid needs to be parented by his father.. he needs to be raised with his siblings.  It may be an adjustment but I think it should be a goal.

bananaseedo's picture

"Also think of the insecurity that your daughter will have.  He got rid of his son.. will it be any different for her? "  Oh please....they have their son living w/them-the 5yr old- a lot of kids are able to understand different family dynamics and living situations-a lot better then the judgmentals here.

ESMOD's picture

yeah.. I don't see that it's all that normal for a child to live with a grandparent when there is at least one perfectly good competent biological parent that is also raising other kids.  There literally seems to be no good reason why he hasn't taken his son to raise too.  In most cases a bio parent is the better choice.  Of course there can be exceptions.. dad is in the military and having long deployments or even when my husband's parents had his girls with them for a year when he was running a business out of state and it wasn't possible for the girls to live with him (on a boat.. no fixed address.. long story). 

But here it seems like they have a fairly stable life but he just isn't standing up and asserting his right to parent his own child.  So.. yeah.. a bit tough to explain that I would think.

bananaseedo's picture

I think it's too late to try and change things now- the kid is used to grandma, grandma is home with him to care for him like a son. Yeah, let's move him to dads, where only stepmom is there to take care of him.  SOmetimes, in some situations, it's best for them to stay w/the grandparent/aunt/uncle, etc....  Reality is even if he moves to their home, he will now DOUBLE guilty parent- one for being in a failed relationship and the kid has no mother, and TWO taking the kid from the only 'mom' he knows and nothing will change, in fact likely the behavior would get worse, adn then stepmom is stuck w/that hot mess each day.  Sometimes let sleeping dogs lie IMO

Areyou's picture

You’re not a horrible person. I can’t stand my stepdaughter. She’s disgusting and poorly behaved. I blame her parents.

Karen franklin1's picture

My bfs going away this weekend with his kids. Theyre 11,13. Ive been the best person to them happily doing anything for them. 3yrs later the mom started talking very bad bout me. Now kids wont come unless im out of house every tues and every other weekend. I did nothing wrong not even slightly. I feel like im thrown out of their life. Im destroyed.