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I resent my stepson and husband, please help :(

Cass_2018's picture

So I really just came here to get this off my chest, because I can’t help how I feel and it would be great to get some advice or to just know that I’m not the only person going through this or feeling this way. Anyways, here’s my story. I’m 27 years old, and have been with my husband for almost 5 years. We got together when his son was a little over a year old. My husband has full custody of my stepson, so he’s been in our lives our whole relationship. So for the first few years everything was great. His parents help take care of his son because we both work a lot and he goes to his moms for half the week. We originally got married because we love each other and I wanted to start a family with him. I thought it was going to be great, my husband, me, my SS and the new baby. One happy little family. Well shortly after we were married, my husband tells me that he actually doesn’t want anymore kids, and never did... okay. So he lied to me for the last 5 years... and now I’m married to him.. I guess that’s when the resentment started... I was so heartbroken when he told me that he didn’t want anymore kids... and now it’s just turned into anger and indifference and it’s starting to effect how I feel about my stepson. He’s only 5 years old, but I can’t help but feel annoyed when he’s around. He’s not a terrible kid or anything, he has a listening issue but what kid doesn’t? I just feel like I want to distance myself from him. I feel like I resent my husband because he doesn’t want to have kids with me, but wants me to play house with his kid... idk.. I feel like a horrible monster for feeling this way. It’s not my SS fault at all, but I get so annoyed when he’s around now and I used to think him and my husband were cute together and now it just makes me cringe. I’ve thought about leaving him a hundred times, but we have a life together and I do love him. *sigh* idk, idk what to do. I’m lost, sad, hurt, angry, betrayed.... I just don’t know what to do. Thanks for listening, sorry about the long rant.

ndc's picture

I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do, but I can tell you exactly what I would do in your situation.

I could no longer love or respect a man who would lie to me about something so fundamental and important to me. I would divorce him immediately. I simply would not be willing to give up having my own children. At 27, there's plenty of time, but not so much that you want to waste any of it on a man who is callous and deceitful enough to lie to you about something so important. The resentment will only get worse.

notasm3's picture

Divorce his lying ass. And don’t look back.

Which you probably won’t do - but at least stop being his doormat servant who is there to provide sex and child care while he just uses you.

SacrificialLamb's picture

He lied to you to rope you into being a caretaker for his kid. Now, conveniently for him, he doesn't want more kids.

Really, how can you love a man who lied about something that is so fundamentally important to you? You are about my DD's age. I view her as having her whole life ahead of her, as do you. Why would you settle for this? He's been a big part of most of your adult life, but you can do better.

You have plenty of time to make a clean break and find someone who shares your values, including having your own children. Do it. You will regret it big time if you don't. Your DH is a liar, and you don't feel a bond with your SS. Dump the liar.

marblefawn's picture

I don't think he lied to you. You were young when you married so I'm assuming he probably was too. It's hard for some people to know in their early 20s what they want. Sometimes it changes even when they were sure they knew what they wanted. Look at all the divorces out there! He's had the experience of having a kid and the circumstances don't sound as if they were ideal (young father with a kid from a relationship that didn't work out, maybe it wasn't a planned pregnancy).

He might change his mind. But he might not. You'll probably know if a time comes when having kids is more important to you than this relationship. But be mindful of time - it will take time to find someone worthy of fatherhood if you leave your husband, so don't wait too long.

As for resenting the kid, I think it's natural. You know it's not his fault. You sound pretty self aware, so you'll do the right thing by him. You know, a lot of women couldn't see that cozy family with a SS in it the way you did. Your heart is open to that kid. It's your husband who's the roadblock. I hope he comes around for you.

SMforever's picture

Either you two never discussed having more kids prior to getting married, or he changed his mind after the fact. Only you know the truth.

If it was the first, then your marriage was not based on a mature understanding of what you committed to. If it is the latter, then your DH changed the terms of the marriage and you have good reason to walk away. 27 is too young to give up on having your own kids, and if it is what you want, then get clear of this guy and start looking for the right one. The sooner the better.

One thing is for sure, even if you persuade DH to have a child now, you know he really doesn't want one, Whatever his reasons are, he is likely convinced he is right. So, you have a fundamental disagreement that is a game ender.

If you stay and look after someone else's spawn then it will be continued resentment which will affect your health. Don't waste your young potential by delaying your decision. I personally wouldn't feel too great about a guy who got into a marriage with me then changed his mind. I would feel like I had been co-opted as the kid's nanny.

Start with planning what your life will be like if you end the marriage, can you support yourself, where will you live. These kinds of changes need to be undertaken one step,at a time, but in the long run, you will look back and be glad you suffered the grief of ending it rather than giving up the life YOU want.

theoldredhen's picture

 Oh Hon,

 

I'm thinking about the first time that I held my newborn daughter and realized that I would take a bullet for this little creature! The overwhelming surge of love I felt was a whole new experience. No woman wanting a child should be denied that pure joy in her life.

 

I suspect that your DH may not understand how strongly you feel about motherhood. If he's made to appreciate the fact that his change of attitude is a marital dealbreaker, he may look at things differently.

 

If he insists in behaving so selfishly and in maintaining the outright bait and switch that he pulled, it may be time to look for another mate. You are young and have many childbearing years ahead of you. 

 

 

Rags's picture

People change their minds, plans can be overcome by events or changing situations and circumstances, and of course shit happens.  Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker. And if having a BK of your own is a must have for you... that is okay.  Just as your DH not wanting more is okay too.

 

I have had this discussion with my son several times in his life.  He would get irritated if something that had been commited to had to be postponed or canceled due to changing circumstances. He would accuse the person not able to deliver on the commitment of lying.   I explained to him that lying is different than not delivering on a commitment though sometimes they feel the same.

Eventually he worked out the difference for  himself.

Though not specifically what you commented on. It is related in my opinion.

So,  you have some options to consider. Do nothing and continue the status quo.  Go ahead and get pregnant and deal with the various consequences that may follow. Or... move on to a relationship with a partner who wants the same things that you are looking for.

None of these are easy decisions or without various consequences.  But I think that the three options I presented pretty much cover  your bases.

 

Good luck. Take care of you.

Merry's picture

You've got to have a hard conversation with your DH. It sounds like he DID lie to you, when he admitted to you that he never wanted more children. That's a heartbreaker for you, and so selfish on his part.

But please don't try to just put it behind you and move forward with this guy. You've got to find resolution. Do you want a child badly enough to leave your DH? Or can you go forward with him knowing that you will likely never have children? If you make the decision to stay with him, then you have to find a way to let go of the anger and resentment. That stuff is just poison.

Either way, it's hard. But you must take that first step by talking to him and telling him how you feel. There is no reason to keep your emotions bottled up. You're hurting. He's your husband, and he should be there for you when you hurt. That he's the CAUSE of the hurt makes it a more difficult. But you must talk through it with him so you can resolve it.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

If he lied about more kids, then I would probably not be able to stay. The betrayal would hurt too much. If he changed his mind, I would hear him out. BUT, you still need to decide if this is the life for you. I had my heart set on having my own bio kids. If DH had changed his mind, I would have had to leave. Because despite my love for him, I needed to have my own kids, with him or alone.

No one can tell you what to do. But I will say - you are young and have time to start fresh on your own or with a new partner if you decide to go that route.

Hugs!