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Kids Rooms, Baths, Oy

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Alright StepTalk, I've got another one for you.

SD leaves for college in the fall (august). She currently has her own bedroom and ensuite bathroom. SS currently shares the hall bath with LOs (3 and almost 1). SS is also a slob and frequently spends an hour plus in there, doing his business, when I need to get in there with LOs for bathtime.

I told DH that I was looking forward to swapping the rooms around once SD heads to college, so that SS can do whatever he wants in his own bath, and I can set up the LOs in the hall bath more easily. Keep in mind, SS and I get along pretty well. And he's fine with moving rooms, and would like to do it.

Anyway, DH lost his mind. Said that I was trying to alienate his daughter, that I didn't want her to visit at all. While SD is not my favorite person right now, she is absolutely welcome home, as are any of our children, and I've told him this repeatedly. The difference being, she will now have a different bedroom in our home (maybe a few feet smaller) and will have to to share a bath with her younger siblings when she visits. Given that she's going half way across the country, she will not be home unless its a longer break, and even then, will split her time between our house, her mother's house, and her mother's family's vacation home. For summers, she plans on staying at the location of her school, because of the desireable location. So realistically, we are talking a week or two at christmas, a week in the spring, and maybe  aweek or two in the summer for a visit, although one of those will likely be a trip somewhere with DH.

I cannot justify keeping her bedroom and ensuite bath for her exclusive use, meanwhile three other kids (1 teen and LOs) have to share a bath.

DH now says we should consider putting on an addition to add another bathroom for SS.  Says we'll just refinance the house or take out a mortgage loan.

I said Hell to the No. And that he was being ridiculous. SD would still have her room. Next oldest kid living at home should get the better space, and we should all live more comfortable as soon as we are able. Without spending a small fortune knocking down walls.

ndc's picture

How difficult would it be for the littles to use SD's bath when she's not at home?

Your husband is being ridiculous, but in the interest of keeping the peace, that might be an option if the en suite bath has a tub and not just a shower.

It seems very silly to put an addition onto a house where the family is "downsizing."  Does your husband have unlimited funds?  Why is he not even willing to consider broaching the subject with his daughter?  She might not even care.

ETA:  When I moved 1000 miles away from home when I was 18, my mother matter of factly told me that she was going to move the stuff I left behind into a different room and move my sister into my room.  I did a quick inventory in my mind of whether there was anything I was leaving behind that I didn't want my parents to find/see, and then told her no problem.  I didn't care about a room I'd be visiting for a few weeks at most.  BUT . . . intact family, so that might make a difference.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

The ensuite has a walk in shower (no tub) and its all on a different floor, so not very practical for LOs. I've also asked that SS use the ensuite bathroom when SD is away, and DH said that wasn't fair to SS due to the stairs, or SD since that is "her bathroom". I understand the stairs being annoying.

DH is afraid of his daughter and is also in the middle of a huge fight with SD over how much he is able and willing to pay for college. He does not have unlimited funds and can pay half of SD's college. SD wants more; BM refuses to work a regular job and has nothing saved. DH could probably access more funds but he does not want BM to not pay "her half".

ETA: Just saw your extra note. That makes sense. And I do think there are extra dynamics with a blended family versus an intact family.

ndc's picture

Yes, that would be tough.  We're redoing our main bathroom and doing it ourselves (except for plumbing) so it's slow going.  Until it's done we're all using the 3/4 bath on another level, so I know exactly what you're talking about.  Fortunately the SDs are old enough (3 and 6) that I can put them in the shower, but they miss their bath bombs and bubble bath!

Good luck - I hope your husband comes to his senses.

tog redux's picture

WTH? He just expects everyone to keep using one bathroom so hers can be empty?

It's normal in families for younger kids to get the "good" bedroom once the older kids leave home for college. As the youngest, it was something I looked forward to.  Why does he care more about his daughter's happiness than his son's?

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Because DH views his daughter as a peer, a confidante, and his little girl. SD plays DH like a fiddle, and not matter what she does, he forgives and makes excuses for her very easily.

SS was an afterthought and a last ditched effort to save his marriage with BM.

But apparently, despite the disparity in his feelings towards his kids, he's willing to now go into further debt so that each of his older kids gets their own ensuite bed/bathrooms.... one of whom will be away at college and the other who is at our house every other week.

tog redux's picture

Let him know that fair's fair, and you expect two more ensuite rooms, in addition to the one he is building for SS, for your two little ones. No reason they should not have their own bathrooms as well.

Your DH is up for Idiot of Year award, IMO.

ndc's picture

Based on what I've been reading on STalk lately, the competition is pretty stiff for that award.  Her DH shouldn't waste a lot of time writing his acceptance speech yet.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Does your DH have a room for the other "peers" in his life? Mother, MIL, father, FIL, grandparents...

Or is this room with bathroom a shrine solely for SD??

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

We do not have shrines... ahem, I mean... extra rooms for other family members. The house has 5 bedrooms, to include the master. And 3.5 baths. When we bought it, it worked out great for the number of kids in the family, and for a short while, we did have a guest room.

And truly, I don't mind keeping a room for SD - we have the space. The same will be true for my SS when he leaves for college. At some point, once SD is in college for a few years, and same with SS down the road, I could see cleaning up their rooms a bit to make them look a bit more like guest spaces. This would entail removing clutter and very personal items, which could get stored in the closet and pulled out when they come home for a visit. 

ETA: They will always be welcome at home, barring some extreme behavior, and we will rooms for them as long as we are able. We would probably only consider downsizing once both skids are well into college or graduated.

Survivingstephell's picture

I think you should do your homwork and hit him with a spreadsheet of what a divorce from you would look like.  

Does he really think SD will take care of him in his old age?  Ha!  

Her other siblings will grow to hate her, and when they are adults, there will be no family connection between them all because Daddy played favorites.  Even if he left the other 3 everything and left SD nothing, it would not make up for a lifetime of playing second best to a spoiled rotten older sister.  

He has no ability to think forward and see the damage he is doing to his family.  Shameful..

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Totally... SS already resents her. She's always been the favorite. DH dotes on SD and neglects SS. No kid deserves that.

ESMOD's picture

I would tell him.. well, how about this.. we can move out of our room so that SS has his own bathroom.. then SD can have her own room with bath.. we will just share with the LO's..

He is being dense.  There is no reason why SD needs to have her room reserved for her.. it is fine if she has another room in the home.  What he is suggesting is idiotic.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

While nothing has been resolved today with DH since we are both at work, I want to thank you guys for the good advice, sanity check, and humorous replies - they helped brighten what started out as a crummy day.

SteppedOut's picture

Freaking rediculous. His suggestion is crazy. She is NOT more important than the other children, but he is trying to make her be just that. 

SMDH

VA GIRLFRIEND's picture

I feel your PAIN, HowBout.. I am currently in a similar situation. I live with my long-term boyfriend and his three kids from his prior marriage. He's a widower and has a small house that we are outgrowing. We are "upgrading" to a new house, which is hard to find in our area with five bedrooms in our price range: One for each of the girls plus a home office for BF. 

Anyway, a non-negotiable for my BF is for all of the SD's (age 12 &14 year old twins) to have EXACTLY EQUAL sized bedrooms in the new house: That effectively eliminates 99% of all houses in our market. He is afraid that they will be upset (and they will, but temporarily and they'll deal) if their bedrooms are even moderately different in size. My take: WHO CARES? 

If they each have a nice-sized room in a house with a beautiful new kitchen, great yard, nice school district, bike paths, why should we sacrifice one of these (i.e., move to a worse school district, eliminate the yard) to make sure no girl has a slightly bigger or smaller bedroom than her sisters? AARGH.

I'm thinking of giving up and getting back with my ex-boyfriend. He's talking about BUILDING A NEW HOUSE from scratch! Which will dramatically increase our housing budget and take at least 8 months, putting us into the next school year. Keep in mind, two will be in college in four years and all will be out of the house in SIX. In the meantime, we are all crammed into a tiny 1,400 square foot house and I'm paying through the nose for storage for all my things because none of my furniture or books will fit in the current house. DOUBLE-AARGH. 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

That makes no sense. I don't think I've ever seen a house with 3 identical kid rooms. Even in custom homes there is usually variation.

With that said, please don't get back with an ex just for the house. Seriously... get your own smaller house. And a dog. Dogs are waaaaay easier LOL

VA GIRLFRIEND's picture

HowBout: I completely agree! Growing up, neither myself nor my friends ever had totally identically sized bedrooms with their siblings (especially if there were more than two kids in the house). Usually, eldest had biggest and so on. Then, kids "moved up" if they wanted (or moved to the basement) when older kid went off to college, etc. Nobody died.

I get that we wouldn't buy a house where the oldest had a 14 x 20 foot bedroom and her sisters had, say, 8x10. That wouldn't be really fair. But, I mean, if one is 14x12 and one is 12 x 16 and one is 11 x 12. That's LIFE. I mean, COME ON!

Maybe they can switch when oldest goest to college... Or do rock,paper,scissors!

Letti.R's picture

Your proposal on room switch makes complete sense.
Your husband is being an utter plonker in response.  

Where people here are proposing a good contender for Idiot of the Year award, I think your DH is probably in line for being the first living recipient of a Darwin Award.
 

VA GIRLFRIEND's picture

I realize I didn't explicitly address YOUR situation, HowBout. In case you had any doubt, I think that your perspective makes total sense. It's crazy for three boys (including two babies/toddlers) to share a bathroom while an en suite room down the hall remains completely empty.

This is also something that affects YOU presumably (with your kids' bath scheduels) and not as much your DH. Perhaps you could make HIM in chage of kids' bathtimes for awhile and see how his views change??

VA Girlfriend

Harry's picture

SO can not say no to SD. He will not parent her.  You have a really big problem here.  There is NO reason not to change rooms around,  it’s your home, you pay for it. SD just lives there.   You just tell SD. You have X dollars for college per year and that it.   Only reason this is going this way is, because your SO is putting his DD above everyone else

 you know the other kids are not going to get equal college funding. Because they don’t even get equal bed rooms bathrooms now. He does not care that other kids don’t have private bathrooms.  That a bathroom will be unused and everybody else shares a bathroom.  

If SO pays for SD college, I would set up college funding for all other kids now.  So in a few years there will not be some story about he can’t fund other kids college the same as SD.  Every year college cost goes up.  So each additional kid should get more college money. 

LucaRusso's picture

I suggest to you to do not change the rooms in house and just explain correctly to kids that everybody can use bathroom. It is very important to have respect in house. For little kids you can buy kids bath books https://productseye.com/bath-books to enjoy bath time and to make it more interesting. Do not worry things like that can happen. Usually it's normal in families for younger kids to get the "good" bedroom once the older kids leave home for college. Good luck and take care !