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SD Failing and Wants to Move Home

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

For those of you who have followed my background, it is not altogether surprising that SD18 is has performed poorly in her summer program, and may not be asked to return for the fall semester.

She is now saying that she can live at home (i.e. Me and DH), and she can go to community college. Oh, and she'll need a car (insert eye roll).

I am a ball of stress. These past few weeks with her out of the house have been calm. DH and I have been getting along far better. He's been focused on treating me like a wife and spending quality time with our kids, including SS14. DH has also taken some of the concerns I've had about discipline with SS14 to heart, and we are now on the same page (re: drinking underage, house chores, attitude). The difference is like night and day. I don't understand why DH can't behave this way when SD is around, but it's our reality. We are also back in couple's therapy.

I knew SD would be back for vacations/breaks. But having her back full time... I don't think I can live like that. She will effectively assert herself as the mother and wife of the home, and I will lose my mind.

I hate to say it, but if she moves back in, despite my concerns, I will need to seprate from DH.

I could use some suggestions as to how to phrase this to DH. How do I tell him that I don't want his first born moving into our home?

Missingme's picture

Wow, totally understand your feelings and I would absolutely leave, too, if one of my SKs were to move in.  You're going to have to have a serious talk with him and share what you've told us, minus the leaving part.  I think he'll understand that you'll leave by the tone of your message.  Hopefully, he's felt the peace without her in the house and, at least secretly, doesn't want her back in either.  Best on this one!  

GrabitAndGo's picture

Why can't she go live with BM?  

I had to read some of your posts again to refresh my memory of the dynamic between your DH and SD.  She's quite the spoiled, entitled charmer!

I personally wouldn't mince words with DH.  Tell him bluntly her full-time presence creates too much tension and turmoil in the household, and you're not willing to deal with it.  It's not fair to the other people in the family and home.  She's more than welcome to attend community college, and she can buy whatever car she can afford.  Coming back to live with you is not an option.  

tog redux's picture

I think you have to be honest. 

"DH, it's been calm and happy here since SD18 moved out.  I am not comfortable with her moving back in."  and go from there.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

And include the part about not allowing one person to adversely affect everyone else in the home. SD is an adult; she got her childhood, and now it's time for the other kids to have the best one they can.

Gimlet's picture

Yes!  Stressing that it's better for SS14 might help him to understand that you're not just being a mean old SM, you have the best interests of the family in mind.  

Evil3's picture

A few years ago when DH and I moved into our home without adult SKs, I told DH that they can never live with me again. That means that if DH wants to live with either or both of them, I would leave. A couple of times over the last four years since we moved, I have reminded DH and told him straight out that I can never live with SD again and if she ever wanted to move back with DH, we'd have to part ways. One time, she asked and DH straight out told her and no and didn't even tell me that she asked to move in with us. He knew there was no point in telling me, because the answer is no.

I don't see anything wrong with you telling your DH that you cannot live with your SD and if he wants to live with her you will have to separate.

susanm's picture

Nothing wrong at all.  SD moved out a year ago and it was like the sunlight finally was able to reach my house again.  I know it sounds horrible but that girl is like a permanent thundercloud hanging overhead.  Even her father can feel it despite loving her.  He knows that I put in my required time with her when she was a minor and it was hell.  Now that she is an adult I have no further obligation to ever live with her.

Livingoutloud's picture

If my SDs move in, I move out. DH knows. My DH wouldn’t risk losing me so SDs will not ever live with us. Couple of years ago OSD asked DH if she can come stay with us for few months after moving to our state. The answer was no. She asked him again last year. The answer is still no. 


Harry's picture

She is 19 and can fail at BM.  You don’t need someone doing nothing in your home all day 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

So DH got into a fight over money last night with SD18.

After he got off the phone, I asked if he was ok. He said no, and that he feels used by her. 

So I asked him about her plans and told him, very calmly, "I am concerned for reasons like these that her moving home permanently might not be a good idea for everyone."  The first response out of his mouth was rather angry: "I know I know, you think she's a b***** and you don't like her. I don't like her a lot of the time either, but she's my kid and if she needs a home, it's my duty to support her. I still love her even if YOU don't."

I was taken aback. I told him that his tone and accusations were unecessary, and that I had approached him kindly about wanting to discuss concerns, but that perhaps I should have not talked about it so soon after he had a fight with her and was worked up. I reminded him that I do love her, and my actions prove that, but like him, I do not like her behaviors. He clammed up, and I told him we could talk another time.

This morning he wanted to know what I was thinking. So I told him that there are a number of apartments in our area where she could rent, or she could find something closer to the community college. That if she started looking now, she might be able to find a roomate for the Fall (some of her HS classmates are going there). DH got silent, and looked pissed, and said "this IS her home." I responded with "This home belongs to you and me. I own it with you. And there are three other kids in this house too that you and I take care of. We have a resposibility to protect them from continued fighting, arguing and the undue stress that comes along with SD being here."

His responses: "You would love it if I never saw her again." and "You're just jealous of her.". Obvious neither is true, and so I told him that he's used those lines before, and we agreed many times that neither were true, and really, that they were low blows. But he wouldn't hear it.  So yet again I walked away, didn't yell, didn't cry, and told him to call me at work when he was ready to have a reasonable conversation. I still haven't heard from him.

I'm proud of the way I handled this. But I'm exhausted. I know that I had planned to wait to leave until the LOs were bigger and could communicate better given the parental concerns I have with DH. But I don't know if I can take much more of this. I had a few lawyer meetings last year and decided to postpone. I think I'll start getting my ducks in a row. It might not be this year but I will start getting ready.

This really stinks... we had been doing so much better. Just yesterday I was posting how calm things had been and how well he and I had been working together.

flmomma08's picture

Ugh I'm so sorry. I was just going to respond that I would be honest with him about how SD being there affects the home and that you would want to separate if he allowed her to move back, but I see you already had your conversation.

Honestly I know my DH would respond the same way. He sees it as SD will always be welcome here and be able to stay here if she decides to. I can see a huge fight about it in our future if SD ever decides she wants to come back.

You are smart for getting your ducks in a row in case he does let her come back. It is exhausting dealing with these issues.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Yes it's exhausting and frustrating, and the timing wasn't ideal. But the important thing is, you drew that boundary. Your H huffed and puffed and tried to manipulate you, but you handled yourself well and now he can't pretend that he doesn't know it's his responsibility to protect the other kids from toxicity. Good job!

This is the messy, difficult part of drawing boundaries: the pushback phase. You're dealing with TWO adults who aren't used to consequences. Things may be rough for a while, but if you stand firm, change will happen. I was married for 18 years before I started drawing healthy boundaries for myself, so it was quite a shock to my H and the in-laws. The marriage was on shaky ground for a year or so, but my H knows on which side his bread is buttered, and we are stronger than ever now. 

Having your ducks in a row is always good policy for a woman, but stand firm and let your H have his mantrum. Change is coming, one way or another.

Thumper's picture

Why do BM's do this stuff.....why doesnt bm want her daughter back in HER home. She had years of cs correct? Surely bm has a ton of money from those cs deposits she can give to sd...the least bm could do is give a few months rent AND pay a few months in sd light bill.



HowBoutScottyDont's picture

There is a lengthy background but in a nutshell, BM really didn't work and was not a saver. She lived off DH's alimony, her own parents (who are wealthy), and her boyfriend. BM would probably let SD move back home, but with stipulations, to which SD will not abide. SD knows that DH will let her get away with anything at the end of the day, and thus she is already asking to move in with DH.

Rags's picture

If she moves home?  You are the wife, the adult, and the StepMother.  Whether she moves home or not is entirely up to you.  Both spouses have veto rights on major decisions.  Veto.  There is no overturning a Spousal veto.

Don't give SD any more power in your marriage. Ever.

She made her choice. She flunked. She can live somewhere else and go to community college.