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Ann2609's picture

I went from being the unpaid childcare in school holidays and when skid is I’ll. To her hating me. It’s caused a really bad fight with me and my boyfriend, who I love more than anything. She set up an Instagram account in the 9yr old daughters name. (Using it to spy on what we’re doing). I told boyfriend of the dangers of setting up profiles saying girls are 13 (instagram / FB won’t let you open the account with any younger birth year) when she’s actually only 9. I showed him my cousins daughter who just had her FB 18th birthday, despite actually being 14 due to this. And when he discussed with ex. She won’t delete the account and said that she supervises her on social media and it’s fine. So I reported the account as underage, and Instagram have deleted it. 

I feel my boyfriend is wanting a quiet life. And I’m struggling to cope with everything. 

Comments

futurobrillante99's picture

There is nothing to stop them from opening up anther one for her. There's a saying around these parts, "You can't care more than the parents do."

If you do, it will bite you in the behind and you will be made the villain.

Survivingstephell's picture

Daddy wants a quiet life but has a 9yo daughter.  These two things don't go together.  You are going to have to spend some time in the Disengagement forum and bone up on that skill.  You can't care more then the parents but you do have to protect yourself from getting hurt from the daughter.  

You don't say how old you are but I will tell you that there are more men out there and the odds are in your favor you find another one to love that doesn't have this baggage.  

Ann2609's picture

Yes I found it. I’ve been doing it all wrong. I withdrew ironing his shirts but still did skids and my own. So I’m disengaging with the DH when it should be the SD..... I’m feeling so down about everything. It was a really bad fight. I don’t know if we’ll get over it. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

You'll get through it! It's just coming up with boundaries that work for you that's the tricky part... DH and I have had some awful fights about boundaries and expectations, we made it through. I'm not disengaged, but I know tons of people on here have found TONS of relief in doing so. It typically seems to improve both their own health, and once DH adjusts, their relationship.

DH is your spouse, the skid is HIS child. DH is always going to be your spouse, so you still function as a partner with him. With the skids though, they aren't yours, so they're his responsibility and you only help as much as you want or feel you can. Your own sanity and spouse (and any of your own kids) come first.

Ann2609's picture

That’s the problem.  I’ve lost my sanity. And we fought so bad. I don’t know if we will make it through. And that’s petrifying. 

ESMOD's picture

While I may not agree with a 9 yo having a social media account, if it is an account basically monitored/hosted by her mother then I honestly think you overstepped by reporting it to IG.  If her father wanted to escalate conflict with his child/EX then that was his option to do so.  You took parenting choices away from the parents. 

And.. I can see that people will say.. "well rules are rules..." but honestly, if it's not impacting ME personally and is not causing harm to a third party then I am not going to step in and be the internet police.

there is a difference between fudging the DOB to open an account vs someone setting up a "myspace" page and stating publicly that they are much older than they are for the purposes of attracting the attention of older boys.. (as my OSD did).  As long as the settings were set appropriately for her age (private) and you didn't see her angling for dates.. then I think you should have left this to the parents to work out between them. 

I think your heart was in the right place, but you cannot worry more than the parents and your morals and rules may not be the same ones they choose for their child.  You have to defer to their judgement unless it is a truly risky behavior.. like letting the 9 yo do drugs...etc.

 

Ann2609's picture

And regret it so much. I don’t know how we are going to get through this. My boyfriend has gone off. And is not answering my calls. I’m totally distraught. And don’t know how to mend things. 

ESMOD's picture

If this relationship is worth saving... and you have a chance to question that right now.  You can fall on your sword with your BF.  Apologize for overstepping a boundary but that you were so worried about the girl's safety with the presence of these unknown men on her page that you felt you couldn't sit by and do nothing.  In hindsight, you realize that you should have worked through this with him rather than taking matters into your own hands and you are sorry for that.  Explain that you care for the girl and was only trying to be protective... but you realize now that it wasn't the right way to proceed.

Ann2609's picture

But the account wasn’t private. And there were people following her, grown men. Who neither us nor BM knew who they were. 

ESMOD's picture

I monitored my SD's social media and would let my DH know when things weren't right.  That's how we found out about the FB "friend" contest YSD was having with a friend.  To see how many friend's they could get vs each other.  I was clued in when there were several guys in their 20's with tattoos on their necks in her friend group...lol.  She unfriended them when we explained how stupid the contest was to their safety.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I know there's a lot of varied opinion on whether you should have reported the account. But for future reference, if you're really worried, either talk to DH and hope he does something, or report it and don't say a word.

I get having concerns about that. It's just deciding what's a hill to die on and what you ignore for your own sanity.

Ann2609's picture

I did the same with my son. But I felt no one was doing anything. DH asked her to delete it. So he knew it was wrong. But BM wouldn’t. And I should have left it at pointing it out. But I messed up. I’m devastated he’s gone and won’t talk to me. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Give him some time to cool off. It's likely he'll realize how stupid he's been being (even men's egos have a limit). Just remind him you're there and love him (don't mention the instagram).

Ignoring people isn't something I see as a desireable trait though. No matter how angry you get, ignoring someone is cruel in my book.

Survivingstephell's picture

It sounds like he has never seen a grown woman care properly for a child.  You did nothing wrong in my opinion.  I might have kept it a secret about the reporting of it though.  Now you know.   Little girls do not belong on social media and there are plenty of stories out there about pedophiles going after them.  That her parents don't know this or worse, don't care is disgusting the day and age.  

When he comes back , don't grovel, don't be a doormat.  Be strong and be a woman worth respecting.  You only had the best interest of the child in mind and acted accordingly.  Then explain that from now on what you will and won't do for SD. If he doesn't like it or wants you to do his job, then he has to give you permission to act in a parenting role with her and back you up.  He can't have it both ways, it doesn't work.  Either you parent as a team or he parents on his own.  Then hold him to it.  

This fight is a growing pain of blending a family.  Hopefully it will be a lesson learned and you can move forward from here with a better understanding of each other and the roles you play in your home.  

Ann2609's picture

The only thing I heard / saw / read today which enabled me to lift my head was your response to my situation. Thank you. I ❤️ You. And I will not be a door mat. Xxx

Survivingstephell's picture

keep us updated.  So many just post and run.  LOL  I want the rest of the story!  

helenahandbasket's picture

About 2 years ago, I was awakened by the sound of my then 10 year old stepdaughters phone going off. When I picked up the phone to try to figure out how to turn it off, I noticed on the screen that she had received a message in some type of chat app from a 37 year old man in another state (the only things about him were name/a/s/l). The message read, "Good morning, baby." That was all I saw since it was just a pop-up notification and not the real app. Plus, I am not tech savvy. I can barely use my own smartphone. 

When I informed my DH about it, he didn't see a reason to question SD10 about it or to check her phone.The BM and my DH didn't even have the password to her phone. Two years later and after this incident, they still don't have the PW or check how she uses the phone.

That's when I decided if the bioparents don't care that a potential predator is contacting their daughter on an app she's not even old or mature enough to have, neither do I. I know it sounds harsh, but that's the reality. 

You really cannot care more than the parents. It will make you feel and look crazy and controlling when you aren't.

You can't fix someone else's ability to give a damn.

 

Ann2609's picture

I wonder if you’d mind me letting my DH read this? I think, although I don’t know because we’ve not talked about it, but I think he’s pleased that Instagram closed the account  He has also come off Instagram. So if BM was using the SD account to follow DH and see what we were up to  then thats not working now for her now.

I cannot get my head around both bio parents weren’t horrified re 37yr old and didn’t take the phone away it’s bonkers  I feel you must be going insane. It’s actually child abuse  it’s like if hey bought her an aeroplane would they let her have a go at flying it? Insane  xx

He came back last night. He’s very angry with me. The main thing he’s angry about is now much I lost the plot and shouted at him. It’s more about the volocitiy of the arguement than the details of what we were arguing about for him I think. 

I have told him about this site and the support I’ve been getting. We have decided to have a few counselling sessions. I think and dearly hope that  it will be an eye opener if the professional councillor gives him some home truths. But yes I will keep you updated. He did bring chocolate for me. But he’s still very very angry. xx Abd I’m totally shattered after not sleeping for a few days now with all this spinning in my head. I also talked to him about disengagement. And that we need to agree some clear boundaries. He’s not so keen to do that. I think he wants to brush it under the carpet. But of course. If he’s serious re counselling. Then the details will come out. 

 

Thanks all for messages. It’s been a real help. And I will update when we see what happens next. xx

Ann2609's picture

Well, we’re getting back to normal, and have both appologied. We love each other and want to work this out, and I’m sure it will. We both learnt a lot from our argument. 

 

SKID however is a totally different story. I’ve disengaged and letting Dad deal with child. It’s definitely easier for me. Thinking of joining a Pilates class now I’ve more me time. 

 

SD10 sulking all around supermarket. In really grumpy mood when Dad collected from school (normally my job). kept saying to BD I want to see Mummy, can I see mummy tonight, can you call mummy and ask if I can stay with her. Then looking at me for reaction. (None given). Then picking up water melon said a youtuber smashes one of these on the floor, and there’s some next level thing inside. Can I smash it on the floor. Raised water melon above head. Daddy takes off SKID. Continues to sulk. 

 

At Home SD10 walks past Dad and “tells” me, I’ll be in the other room watching tv. I said, don’t ask me, it’s Daddy’s decision. 

 

Feel as though this SKID is really working me. And Dad. Daddy said yes to tv for 20mins. But 40mins later SKID still watching YouTuber dribble on tv. When I asked to come in for dinner. SD10 raises hand without looking at me said “I’m trying to watch tv”. She’s being so rude to me, and whining about missing Mummy. Never happened before. 

 

Any clues in what the new agenda is now?

Survivingstephell's picture

She's testing you, plain and simple.  The rules appear to be changed in her eyes and now she needs to find out if they will stick.  You keep on doing you and let her father handle it.  Any problems, MAKE him handle it.  

It's ok if she "hates" you for being an adult.  Most kids hate you a one point or another.  Don't sweat it yet.  Too soon.  If she doens't shape up, that's another story.  

Ann2609's picture

I’m out of my mind again. Survivingstephell HELP me please. Lovely weekend..... Ann.... Ann.... Ann were the calls from SD. Hold my leg for a handstand..... do this for me..... Ann..... Not daddy not grandma not Aunty. I’m run ragged. Sprayed in my face with the water after I’d done my hair nicely..... no worries. I can have fun. Thought we were on track..... chased her and sprayed her. And I’m the wrong one. Crying fake tears. And daddy cross with me. He was working on his computer all the time. But came outside for the tears. I’m so sad. I think she ownes us. And we have lost our connection in bed. It’s so hot, and we don’t even cuddle. I stayed at his sisters last night. Which was planned. But he came home tonight, ate the meal of made. Then told me we’re over and went to his moms. What to do? I’m gutted again. Rug pulled again. Can’t cope. Xxx