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Minor Issue - Bedrooms

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

This is a minor issue in the scheme of my home life.

Essentially, my SD19, lives states away at college. She came home for winter break, during which she kept the same visitation schedule (with adjustments as she sees fit) as her younger brother, SS15. We have him EO Thursday - Sunday, plus Wednesday dinners. So we had her for about a week during the break, and she was a nightmare to be around, for everyone in the house.

This summer, SD19 has plans to travel abroad and spend the rest of the time in her college town. She will come back to our area for approximately 1 week at the beginning of the summer, and one week at the end.  No idea where she plans on staying, but I was clear with DH that her behavior this winter necessitates an apology to me if she plans on stepping foot in the house again.

In our home, we have a master and three bedrooms on the upper lever, and a finished guest space on a lower level with its own bath. SS15 now has the lower level room to himself (a positive for many, many reasons). Our LOs have two of the bedrooms upstairs. SD19 now has that 3rd bedroom upstairs. In the next year, I would like rearrange the rooms so that the LOs who are with us full time have the larger 2 rooms, while SD19 has the smaller room, which can also function as a guest room.

My question is - is this a reasonable request? DH is a loose cannon when it comes to his daughter so his responses will be all over the map.

What did you all do when your skids left for college or to move out on their own after age 18?

Comments

tog redux's picture

Of course it's okay! I was the youngest, and the minute one of the older ones left for college, rooms got shifted around. Frankly, if BM's home is her home, she doesn't even need to have a room at your house. She's an adult now. 

Gimlet's picture

Perfectly OK.  No need to hang on the bigger room for her at all. 

I kept a bedroom for my DD for two years and after that she sublet in the summer.  I hung on to her stuff, but she was past wanting to live with me at that point.  Worked out great and she moved into an apartment when she graduated.

Siemprematahari's picture

Personally I wouldn't care how H felt about it and considering that it's also my home I'd do what I damn well please. If this is the poster with the @sshole of a H and son to boot who did somethig awful to the little one....what H thinks, wants, or needs would be of no relevance to me. EVER!

Trying to Stepmom's picture

This kind of stuff happens with families that don't involve stepkids too!

SD13 is with us EOWE per CO but that doesn't always happen. She also knows that her room will be used for guests because it's bigger and has a queen sized bed. DH and I have also talked about what would be happening to her room once she graduates high school (even though that's about 4.5 years from now). 

I hope it all works out for you. Smile

Iamwoman's picture

Yep. Totally normal.

When my older brother (biggest room) left for college, I was given the choice of taking his room, but I preferred mine. My younger sister took his room and his belongings were moved into her old room (smallest).

My DH's mother skipped town and DH never did have a bedroom to return to on holidays.

SD19 is lucky to even have a room at your house. She is an adult. Allowing her a room is a nice gesture, but not an obligation.

missginger's picture

Of course what you want to do is fine. Now how to get your husband on board. Smile In my opinion you should have started making comments to hm about your plans years ago. I am doing that now with DH. Basically talking about how when we move (which we both want to wait until SD16 has graduated and HOPEFULLY in college) that our next home will have a guest room for her (aka not her own room anymore).

Anyways - in the next year can you do it gradually?

Also I have found that when I do things and act like its no big deal then it becomes no big deal to DH. Like can you say to him if he starts to balk. "Of course rooms are going to be switched around. Thats just the norm". 

strugglingSM's picture

I have a lot of friends whose bedrooms turned into other rooms when they left for college. They could stay in them when they were home, but they no longer had their own bedrooms at the house and that was for children who were in the house full-time. I think it's perfectly fine to rearrange the rooms and allow those who live there full time to have the bigger or nicer rooms. There is no law that dictates that the oldest kid has to have the nicest room. 

Also, there are a lot of kids who have to share rooms. My mom shared a tiny room with two sisters growing up. One of them slept on a trundle bed because there wasn't enough room for three beds in the room. When her youngest sister was a baby and up through preschool, she shared a very small room that was originally a pantry with my uncle. She had to move out because she grew too big to sleep in the small alcove that housed her bed. That room was basically a 7 x 12 foot closet with a tiny window on one end and a door that opened up into the kitchen. My uncle used that as his "room" until he moved out to go to grad school. 

Felicity0224's picture

If your DH throws a fit, I would point out that changing bedrooms when the oldest leaves home is common in most intact families. So much so that it is a really odd thing to get upset about. I remember when I left for college, I came home at Thanksgiving and my sister had moved into my room and turned my sister's old room into a sewing room. I had to sleep on a pull out sofa in said sewing room. It never even ocurred to me to be upset.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Here's the conversation with DH. No real surprises. We are clearly going to have more issues with SD, but for now, since she's not scheduled to be home until the summer, I may just hire someone to move the furniture in march while he's away. This was over chat... hopefully I edited out all the names.

Me: Hey can you talk for a minute? LO could really use more bedroom space for a big kid bed and storage. We can't fit in the chest of drawers once the bed is converted to a full size.  I think we need to shift the rooms around. The smaller room can be for SD19 or a guest. She has most of her things with her at her new apartment, and guests don't stay for more than a few days, so I think we are ok to take the drawers out of that room, and just keep the bigger bed.

DH: That is SD19's room. She deserves a space here too, JUSTLIKE ALL OF OUR CHILDREN!!!! And the minute she left after winter break, you put EVERYTHING she owns in her closet.

Me: Where above did you read that she would no longer have a space for her. We are switching rooms, not turning hers into a yoga studio. 

DH: You said "OR A GUEST".

Me: Yes, I think it would be both. Her room if she comes home, and a guest room when she is not around. Your Mom stayed in it when she was passing through town,a nd so did my brother when he came for the weekend. 

Me: And regarding SD's stuff, as I've told you before. I did not put everything she owns away. I put her dirty laundry in a hamper and asked you to wash it so that it didn't  smell. I put trash she left about into an actual trash can for pickup. And some of her... feminine items... I put under the sink in the bathroom. And the blood stained underwear under the bed was thrown out. I did this right before the cleaning service was coming, so that they could actually clean. Her decor is still out and on the walls. It still looks like her room.

DH: And if I don't agree to the room switch????

Me: I am hoping that with time, you will see that the switch makes sense given who is still living in the home full time.

Me: We also have some larger, more pressing issues to deal with. Specifically, her screaming and cussing at us when she was last in our home. If she wants to come back for a visit, I do need an apology and a sincere acknowledgement of her poor behavior.

DH: MY daughter can come whenever she wants to MY home.

Me: Its OUR home. and I will not tolerate being verbally abused in it.

DH: And what about your role in the argument!!??

Me: Let's be clear. SD19 and I didn't argue. She was the aggressor. I kindly asked her to please not go in my office, and later to please not go into our bedroom without asking.  She blew up at me. She got in my face as I stood there saying nothing. She cursed at me. And that was just one instance. It was like that daily, towards both of us. For the sake of all of us, I HOPE that she turns this around.  Her younger siblings don't know any better, and I would hate for them to grow up thinking that her behavior is Ok. She is always going to be their sister - but I do need to protect them and hope you will support that.

DH: [Not responding but still online]

Me: Do you really have nothing to say in response to this?  I realize this isn't so much about the room as it is about the issues over the winter. The room needs to be a no brainer - we need the space for LO2. As for the larger issue with SD19, it isn't going to disappear. A great deal of encouragement and guidance is needed from you to help her see where she went wrong and how to fix this.

DH: [Signed off shortly after this]

strugglingSM's picture

Sounds like your DH feels a lot of guilt about your SD. He's also using guilt and manipulation to get his way. She will still have a space in your home, it will just be a space that better fits the needs of your entire family. Finally, why does he get veto power and why does she have automatic rights to that room just because she occupied it first. There are so many false assumptions in his argument, but the underlying issue is that he can't speak about his daughter, your SD, in a rational way, because he's too emotional about the whole thing. 

Petronella's picture

Your husband sounds hysterical and unreasonable. 

I hope you and your kids can escape from this lunatic asylum some day.

Gimlet's picture

I don't often wish bad things on people, but this guy is an exception.  He does not seem to care at all about his young children.  And honestly, about his older children either other than to the extent he sees them as extensions of himself.   

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

very insightful!

Simpleton21's picture

OMG, I don't know how you didn't lose your sh!t on this man child and his special snowflake.  

If it were me I would have told him to go find a nice 2 bedroom apt for him and his mini wife that he obviously places above the entire family and I would be contacting an atty getting information on divorce.  

His responses are ridiculous!!!!  I'm mad for you!  

Ursula's picture

He sounds awful.  The silent treatment is such a ridiculous thing for an adult to do.  So childish.  

somethingwicked's picture

omg..fluck this jerk man and his myopic mindset where his entitled pwincess is concerned.Good for you ,OP, for taking a stand and maintaining your  logical discussion  while man baby tried to hijack it into the emotional stratosphere. And that he is placing you on the same level as his 19 year old daughter is BS when he accused you of having a "role" in the argument .

Buy a bunch of candles, an altar and  incense sticks  ,hand them to  H  and tell him he can make  his pwecious pwincess's  woom into a freaking shrine. Sickening the bizarre attitude these Guilty Disney Daaaddees cop  because of the failed first family and EVERYONE has to suffer because he is holding onto the emotional baggage and guilt and still can't parent.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

thank you for your insights. and for this line "tried to hijack it into the emotional stratosphere"

i love that!

TwelveLongYrs79's picture

Your H sounds like he’s just burying his head deeper and deeper in that quicksand trap of denial. I’d have washed my hands of all three of them at this point...a SS who possibly abused my BK, a SD who is a complete and utter b!tch, and a spouse who defends them above every one and everything. 

I really do feel sorry for you, they all sound horrid. 

Petronella's picture

Honestly at this point, in the OP's place I'd take the larger of my kids' bedrooms and sleep there myself with both my kids. Use one bedroom as a sleep space and the other bedroom as a play and storage space, and a private office from which to make phone calls. Put locks on both the doors. Bide my time until it's safe to leave and file for divorce. Forget about trying to make SD or H do anything. Stop trying to pretend this is any kind of a normal family.

tog redux's picture

I agree. The minute I got to, "My daughter is welcome any time in MY house," I thought, oh hell no. I'd divorce this guy. 

 

Simpleton21's picture

Also the fact that he thinks a 19 yo that leaves bloody underwear under her bed is worthy of "defending" to this degree is dispicable!  So gross.  He should be thankful that his wife actually cleaned up after his little disgusting spawn instead of undermining his wife and continuing to coddle this ADULT!!!!  

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

How he didn't even respond to the disgusting underwear, and moved on to the next defense he could think of.

Simpleton21's picture

Oh, I noticed that he completely avoided that disgusting underwear part.  She is 19 and acting this way.  That is disgusting!  I would leave it all for him to handle.  *bad*

I read your other blogs and see that you are in a bad position with your DH b/c he is an immature man baby and won't parent his children from his failed family appropriately and puts your LOs in danger this way.  I really feel for you.  IDK what I would do with all of that going on.  I almost feel like your SS was rewarded for his behavior getting the entire basement.  Maybe you would be better off making SS15 go upstairs with SD19 and DH and you and the LOs all go to the basement without these toxic people around :(  

Siemprematahari's picture

Why are you even asking him? Why not just do it? He's such a shitty H and father so why does he even get a say about the bedroom? He can be guilty dad all he wants but his disrespectful daughter doesn't need that room. I know you may not like confrontation and this may be more problematic but I talking to him wouldn't even be an option after all the BS he's done. 

If you do make the switch, what will he do? Get pissed off, be abusive? That just gives you more ammo against your case and getting him out of your life. 

LuluOnce's picture

I agree with this! It is your house too. Chances are your DH is too lazy to do anything to change it back after you rearrange it. LOL.

I would also be totally fine manipulating DH in the same methods, saying unreasonable things about how he doesn't love your (together) children and how he wants the LOs to be miserable and never have any of the things that he gave to SD19 and how you can't wait for them to grow up and realize that he doesn't want them to have a happy home or whatever bull you can take from his ramblings about SD and turn it around on him. *eye roll*

It's utter garbage (at least I hope it is? I hope your DH will balk at this?) but I have to say that I've had great success throwing DH's words back in his face when he pulls a stunt like this, which is thankfully rare these days. My DH gets quite mad when I first do it, so I have to be prepared for an argument, but within a day or so he comes back with a sheepish grin and is like, "I see what you did there..." and admits he was being an a**.

I'm not familiar with your backstory and don't know your DH's personality, so not sure it would work. But a lot of times people realize how stupid they sound when they hear their words repeated back to them in a similar situation. 

 

missginger's picture

Wow! You kept your cool way better than I ever could. Two things though - Dont you think this should have been a face to face conversation? And I would have left the whole apology thing for a sperate time. The more you pile on, the more I can see him wanting to get defensive. (And I would have left out the "or guest" part.)

And to make it look like you are doing her a favor you could have said "Ask her when we switch rooms if she would like it painted". Its like you are acting like you wnat to make things nice for her. I hate to say it but sometimes I have to play games likevthis to keep the peace. And 99% of the time it works!

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Nope! it doesn't work with him. he will talk over me, and its very difficult to get back on track. with chat, i can scroll back up, take a quick pause before i respond, and keep my emotions in check by not physically being near him.

So for more background (not in this thread) we actually did just paint her current room. Or rather, we had "hired her" to paint it since it was really dark (SS15 used to be in that room). She failed to finish. DH had to do it, and it looks awful. They had another blowup when he refused to pay her. But then he felt bad, so he gave her the cash anyway (out of his own savings... we have completely separate funds).

That is a good point - i will offer to repaint the smaller room as well. Although I think DH is so far gone down his rabbit hole or depair, believing that I'm out to get his daughter, that paint won't really matter.

ndc's picture

Are you the one who is staying with H out of fear of your children being required to visit him and spend time with his pervert son if you leave him?   Because based on the way he's acting, I'd be out of there unless there was something like that compelling me to stay.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

You are remembering correctly. I will not leave that house until LOs are older. DH is not healthy and makes poor choices.

Gimlet's picture

I'm so sorry you have to live with this man.  You seem like an awesome mom and person and he's such a giant prick. 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

very sweet of you to say Smile

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

DH was shockingly normal last night after work. He didn't bring up the conversation at all. We had dinner, made superficial conversation, and I went to bed shortly after getting the LOs to sleep. See, everything is better when we sweep issues under the rug and pretend they don't exist (*Sarcasm*)

So this morning, I decided that since I am actively chosing to stay in this situation for the time being, I need to act as reasonably as I can but also not let DH's unreasonable actions impact my and LOs lives.

So!!! I called a local company - one that will do handyman type jobs. I have them booked for March - the week DH is away. They will get the furniture in the 2 bedrooms rooms switched around, repaint both rooms, haul away some trash in the backyard and under the deck, and fix some nail pops in the ceiling that I can't reach. While they are painting, I am going to clean the carpets upstairs - they will haul the rental cleaner upstairs for me and bring it back to the rental place at the end of the day. I can re-hang pictures and wall decor myself. My parents will occupy the LOs downstairs.

If DH comes around to the idea (unlikely) before the trip, great. If not, when he comes home, I will tell him that a decision needed to be made, and that this was the most reasonable scenario for everyone. 

I feel excited and relieved.