Omg. She never STOPS!

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It's something literally everyday. Sometimes 3,4,5+ times a day. In today's episode of crazy pants.... DH got SS to practice 5 minutes prior to practice time, people were still pulling in and she's demanding he answer her as to why SS was late stating "the coaches expect them there at least 15 minutes early"

the coaches have NOT stated this. Is this just something that's known?? My kids don't play sports so I have no clue. Should they really be there at least 15 minutes early during Covid when this was nowhere communicated by the coaches??

He needs to ignore these

He needs to ignore these messages. They DO NOT require a response. She is baiting him. Also, he needs to use the check in features on OFW to track when he arrives to practices, pick ups/drop offs, etc. It's simple, he was not late and BM does not get to dictate how early SS arrives to practices during DH's time. A judge won't even entertain this level of petty.

Remember, the 5 categories that require a response are parenting time, medical, educational, sports, and $$. When I mean parenting time, I mean changes to parenting time, confirming times/dates, etc. When I mean medical, it is to notify of scheduled appointments and medical emergencies. When I mean educational, I mean updates from school or confirming school information. When I mean sports, I solely mean notification of enrollment in sports PERIOD. "I ENROLLED SS in X SPORT". And money, only addressing it if she requires legitimate reimbursement as stated in the CO or if there is an issue with child support disbursement.

Ignore every other email from BM regarding sports. DH is on the team communication list so he is getting the same stuff BM is. She can pack sand. No more taking SS to her house for warm ups, no more "sorry I was late", no more "SS needs better socks". All of these do not get a response.

If she continues and you feel the need to respond, simply respond with an attached copy of the team schedule that states: "Per the team schedule, practice begins at x time. I dropped SS off at practice at X time. He was not late. I have used the OFW app to check-in at all SS related functions, which are timestamped for documentation purposes." That's it. No more responses after that.

In the future, ensure DH is on all email lists for schools, sports, medical, etc. so he can get information directly from the source and doesn't have to rely on BM for anything. BM cannot control you unless you let her. FOLLOW THE COURT ORDER, IGNORE THE REST, AND LIVE YOUR LIFE.

The attorneys and our family

The attorneys and our family therapist keeps saying to be overky communicative, overly responsive, overly reasonable. This is the ONLY reason we are doing this. Our family therapist is aware of her mental illness but everyone keeps saying to be responsive. This is making me INSANE. DH and I both agree with every single line you wrote but we are being told otherwise and yeah, it's exhausting!! Our therapist keeps saying we can't let her shit bother us, take up our time ect... but we can't be overly communicative AND not let it take up a lot of our time. It's impossible and I'm pulling my freaking hair out. DH thinks she's insane and is not answering her. He does check in on OFW and it shows he was not late. She's so f--king annoying!!

A single response is still

Your attorney sounds like a coward, not a shark. He clearly doesn't understand HCBMs. A single response is still considered communicative. Anything more than that is overkill. And don't be overly reasonable, that just sets a precedence going forward.

Ultimately, it isnt worth you or DH's mental health. You can still set firm boundaries and not feed into BM's crap and be "responsive and reasonable". You have to maintain your sanity, and if you lose in court, ultimately you can say you tried everything you could. We lost in court in the end, but it was only because BM made false allegations of sexual assault from a family member and other really low blows and we simply weren't willing to stoop to her level. It wasn't worth the impact on our mental health or relationships with our family members. BM got what she wanted, but it was at the cost of her own integrity and she will have to live with that. You don't want to have trauma later on from this court battle, nothing is worth that.

We used to be like you, bowing to BM's every whim out of fear. We also let BM take up too much headspace due to our own anxieties. A single email communication from BM used to take up days of headspace. Our attorney told us to stop that. Once we set boundaries, we actually got farther ahead with court because it painted a clearer image of BM's games and we didn't seem agreeable and happy with the current arrangement to the judge. JUDGES ARE ALL ABOUT STATUS QUO, WHATEVER MAKES THEIR JOBS EASIER. If DH seems happy and agreeable, then there is no reason for court or a different CO arrangement. Every parent, even parents that are together, disagree at times, so to bow to BM's every demand is lunacy. Judges don't expect 100% agreement. If they did, you would never see parents in court.

Being overly communicative

Being overly communicative does not look like good communication, rather it tends to look like two people squabbling over a trifle. Don't do it. It's far better to be succinct and direct in one good email than spend all day toing and froing.

She may not have a life but you do.

Exactly!!!! This is why I am

Exactly!!!! This is why I am losing it. Why does everyone keep saying to keep doing this so he "looks like the reasonable one" this just looks like both are high conflict to me.

Overly communicable, overly responsive &

Overly reasonable translates into cowtow to the exwife. Frankly mental illness seems like a copout for her to get away with disrespecting your time in your household

Yup!!! Oh she will never

Yup!!! Oh she will never admit she's mentally ill. She is the biggest narcissist I have ever met. We have had several therapists say "I can't diagnose her but....." however, their therapist that they were seeing while married already did. She is beyond narcissistic, so is her mother (both poster child Golden uteruses) so is oldest SS and starting to see it in younger SS now. It's gross! Horrible to be around. I just do things with my own kids in the weekends and leave DH to deal with his selfish, rude, entitled spawn. Lol!

You need a new attorney and a new therapist

Agree with Castle above, while DH wants to show that he's willing to communicate on issues of parental responsibility, things like this warrant either no response or a BIFF.

Correct any false statements and DH needs to get himself on any mailing lists or other comms about extracurriculars. Something like, "SS was on time to practice and I will ensure that this continues. I have been added to the mailing list/spoken with the coach (whatever), no further communication on this subject is required."

Over communication about every little complaint that she has is just conflict.

That's the issue. She keeps

That's the issue. She keeps saying untrue things. For instance, she withheld SS school supplies this weekend so DH had to go there AGAIN to get his school supplies. He already had to go there once ti get youngest SS necessary practice gear she didn't send. So DH asked her to have his school supplies ready the first time he went there. She refused and said "can't get just get it on Monday?" She didn't give another option and DH was running late at this point to get SS at his friends house. So he said "well if that's the only option you are giving me I'll have to take it won't I?"
Then she wrote her 20th email stating that she will go with the second option he offered to get SS things Monday morning. Whattttt the fuuuuu!!!! There was NO second option. She lies constantly. She withheld his school supplies, refused to give them to DH and yes he recorded the entire exchange and yes we are writing another letter from our attorney but it's literally day after day after day of lies and him having to say "nope...wrong"

So next time, he sends a

So next time, he sends a message via ofw " Please have ss's, gear/supplies/whatever ready this time. "

Pre-emptive strike...

Sounds like your BM and ours have the same playbook

I've just read your other posts, sounds like your BM and ours got together and had a party. I would like to tell you that there is something you can do to stop this crazy-making, gaslighting and lying, but 6 years on, and even with court orders, it doesn't end.

Again, DH should only reply if he has to. Try to keep each response limited to 1-3 sentences, no emotion, no accusations, no questions. Just quick statements of fact. The "no further communication is required on this subject" line came from our lawyer and is an out for DH to stop replying to anything in that chain. Also, unless it is an emergency or time-dependent there is no reason to respond immediately. DH should take his time and respond only when he's calm.

Our BM actually complained in court that DHs responses had no emotion in them, they were businesslike! It shows he doesn't care about his kids! Ugh, no, it shows he's not buying into your crazy.

Try to respond on your own behalf to what you have to and keep the lawyer out of it.Those people charge in 15 minute increments for 5 minutes of time! Your BM could also be trying to drive up your legal costs intentionally.

In the meantime, deep breaths. Try not to let her/the court case rule your thoughts. You are dealing with someone who is high conflict and mentally depraved. She will say and do anything to paint your DH as the bad parent. You know that.

Try to find a therapist who understands parental alienation and high conflict exes. One thing our therapist recommended was to take 15 minutes each night and talk about things outside of the skids and all of this madness that happened that day that made us happy or were positive. Small wins. It really helped with our own mental state. Take care of yourselves!

Lol!!! Yup. Sounds the same.

Lol!!! Yup. Sounds the same. She once complained that DH "talks to her like she's a robot" LOL!!
Yes, we have an amazing family therapist we just found who is helping us through this. It's getting a bit better (yes....things were worse if you can believe it! <shutter>) lol. We also had amazing therapists for the kids who testified on our behalf at our first temporary hearing and of course.....BM fired them claiming the kids never earned up to them and they made them uncomfortable. Dear god! This woman is a complete monster. The kids loved the therapists. These were the 4th ones she fired because none of them will tell her what she's doing is good for the kids. In court the therapists told the judge that BM went into her office. Wry aggressively and demanded she change her affidavit (which stated she was not at all concerned about the kids being with dad and they speak fondly of him and their stepfamily) she lost it and went in there screaming how DH is "abusive" although he's been a father for over 14 years and she's never said this until she was served. Of course all of a sudden he's abusive! It starts after he met me too! Lol!! Yeah, so he meets me, we fall in love, happy as can be, my kids adore my husband, my ex husband even likes me husband, nobody has ever seen him be abusive to his kids, my kids are certainly not abused but apparently this all sparks him to become abusive?? Hahaha!! The judge was so annoyed and told her to cut it out. Ugh!! She is just an awful human.

I played sports for years.

I played sports for years. In my experience, if practice is at 4:00, practice BEGINS at 4:00. You don't need to get there early, but you need to be on the field ready to start practicing at 4:00. Pulling up in the car at 4:00 is probably too late, because if you're in the car you're not on the field starting practice at 4:00, but 5 minutes early is more than sufficient for most kids. If it takes a kid 15 minutes to get their equipment together or something, then sure, they need to get there 15 minutes early, but that would be unusual. Now games are a different thing - lots of coaches want kids there early for games. The easiest thing for your husband to do would be to ask the coaches what they want, then he has it from the horse's mouth and he doesn't have to listen to BM's BS.

This BM just sounds exhausting, and you guys need to stop worrying about how you will look in court and just start ignoring most of her communications. She's occupying much too much space in your heads.

Have you ever considered

Have you ever considered letting DH handle it himself and telling him not to let you know about her emails? I would suggest that, as you are taking on his burden and it's causing you a great deal of stress.

If I were DH, I'd ask the coach what time SS has to be there before practice and then send that reply to BM. ONLY because he is in court and she will say that he doesn't care about SS's sports. If she gets the coach to write a letter saying he is late when with his father, it won't look good. So play the game while in court, that will make you feel better.

And for all you know, the coach DID ask for that. So clear it up first. Maybe he said 15 minutes thinking people would be at least 5 minutes early if he made that rule. Don't assume BM is always wrong, either.

He can't write a letter

He can't write a letter claiming he's late because he wasn't and it's recorded on OFW. He's going to ask the coach

Well, that depends on whether

Well, that depends on whether or not the coach did ask them to be there 15 minutes prior. If he did, then he was late. It's tempting to think that BM is always talking out of her a$$, but that may not always be true.

DH gets every single

DH gets every single communication from the coach and he has never asked this. He is going to email him though.

While I'm all for ignoring

While I'm all for ignoring once you are done with court, if you don't respond, BM will present it as proof that a) he was late for practice and b) DH isn't communicating.

Once court is over, this kind of stuff can be ignored.

I know. This is why they keep

I know. This is why they keep saying to respond but my god where is the line? She NEVER STOPS!

go simple

Start reducing the replies to one or two words.

"He needs to be there early" = "I'll have a word w/ coach"

"He needs x,y,z" = "I'll talk to him"

"He/you/they blah blah blah" = "I appreciate your opinion"

"He needs $$$$$" = I'll send the amount as soon as I get receipts."

Reply with as few words as possible and mentally clear your etch-a-sketch.

Love this! Thank you. However

Love this! Thank you. However, what does he do when she's lying and making false accusations which she does 90% of the time? Just say "this is false?" Or should he explain?

"We both know your statement

"We both know your statement is not entirely accurate. I will speak to the XYZLMNOP and get the truth."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Thank you.

Practice begins @ 4pm. SS was

Practice begins @ 4pm. SS was there and checked in @3:55pm via OFW.

say

"I'm sorry but that is not what x,y,z said." and drop it

I am not saying it is true

I am not saying it is true for your situations so your DH needs to contact the coach but yes, my SS9 has played baseball since he was four and they do expect the players to be there 10-15minutes early. This is for them to warm up and a chance for the coach to speak with parents if he needs to but I don't think it is a huge deal since most parents are coming from work. I mean we play for a competitive division and it's not a big deal unless its before a game which is usually 30 minutes to make sure they have enough players and to do their lineup.

That being said, he doesn't need to respond to things that aren't questions or that are clearly just an attempt to start a fight. The best suggestion was to limit the words in the response if your DH feels like he needs to respond at all. One word: Traffic.

I will also add that this year we opted out of baseball because BM is so much like the one youre dealing with that DH decided last. year after her constant badgering that we werent going to deal with it anymore. SS doesn't care. I wanted to put him in baseball for socialization, BM b!tched about it because he didn't ask her first for permission and doesn't pay for any of it either. But she sure did post as much as she could about him being such an athlete ****EYEROLL****** This year she flipped her shit when she asked and DH told her "no" and it was her fault. So now we are "ruining his life becuse of our hatred towards her" lol OWELL. We are enjoying our peace and not having to run around from field to field or encountering her on biweekly basis.

Yeah he wasn't late. He has

Yeah he wasn't late. He has it recorded in OFW and he did email the coach this morning and coach said it's great to get there a little early but completely not necessary as parents are coming from work and Covid and he said SS was absolutely not late. She is SO ANNOYING! She just lies to try and make him look bad. It's pathetic!