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Do you wake your teens up for school?

Biostep7777's picture

My stepson is in high school and his mom still wakes him up for school. When he is here he is expected to wake himself up. I have teens and I haven't waken them up in years. I expect them to be able to do this on their own by this age.  It's gets frustrating because DH had to wake him up again today. Do you still wake your high schoolers up??

stepmomnorth's picture

My kids have woken themselves up with an alarm clock since around grade 6. I've never had to help them or remind them they just do it. They use either an alarm clock or the clock function on their cell phone. Parents shouldn't have to wake teens up for school, they should be able do this own their own. Same as managing their homework, etc. Part of becoming responsible, growing up and becoming independent. There's no excuse really, they're old enough, they should be able to manage doing this. 

Biostep7777's picture

I could not agree more! This is exactly how I feel as well. She reminds them and shows them their homework assignments every night. They have access to the apps that show what they need to do. So do parents. I use it to check in and keep an eye on things, if an assignment is missing I might ask about it. If grades start to slip I will ask if they need extra help or if they are struggling. But I never REMIND them to do their homework. I might say "you can't go out untim homework is done. Did you finish?" But she completely manages their homework. She manages their schedule too. SS15 has no idea when his games are, what time they start. Nothing!! It's INSANE. They are not toddlers. 

Winterglow's picture

Get the loudest alarm clock that you can find and put it way out of reach (top of a wardrope, maybe) so that he HAS to get out of bed to stop it.

stepmomnorth's picture

Yes make the alarm (or wake up call) so annoying that they choose to wake up using their own methods Blum 3

ESMOD's picture

My mom would wake us up if we didn't get up on our own.  We did have alarms.. but back then I think mine was the wind up big ben.  This was way before cell phones...so no phone alarm.

I think most kids have phones these days and would have the ability to set those alarms.

And.. yeah.. a teen should start to be more self sufficient and get up on their own..but, I still think that a parent should be a backup to make sure they are up.  I have known a few young people that have had real issues getting up.. despite setting alarms and even I have slept through alarms in the past.  So, I think it's ok to be a backup as a parent.

I mean... I know eventually, parents won't be there to do it.  But, I would still do it for them as a backup and remind them to set the alarm.

Edit to add... I just realized this was you posting.

In your case, I think he needs to do this given BM's HC nature.  The last thing he needs is the kids being late on his watch.  Should they do it themselves more independently? probably.. but in your case, he doesn't have the luxury of letting them fail and suffer consequences because of his EX.

Biostep7777's picture

Oh he does. That's what frustrates him. Because if he doesn't and they are late of course it's not going to be the special little man child's fault. So, DH does it but we are both frustrated because we want to raise self sufficient, independent adults and she wants to keep them children to fill her own needs. So, we are left in the position to either let him have consequences (which in a normal situation is what we would do) and looking bad if he's late OR wake him up and feel like it's the wrong thing to do. 
just to be clear, I'm not talking like this is a once in a while thing. We ALL can sleep through the alarm or forget to set out alarm. My kids have had a morning or two like that. We are understanding in those situations. But this situation is every single week because his mom still gets him up, packs his linch etc.. which is why it's frustrating. Because it's not just a mistake or a once in a while issue. It's an everyday issue. 
It took us about a year but he is FINALLY getting in the habit of doing his own laundry. Something else mommy does for him. Ugh!! He complained that his sheets hadn't been washed in a while.  I said "who's responsible is that?"  He was like "Oh, ok I'll wash them" like.....realllly!!??? 
He couldn't even pour himself juice when I came into the picture. He was 10 when DH and I started to date and he was probably 11 at this point. He literally couldn't pour a drink! I was like "welp, you are learning today bud" lol!!! 

ESMOD's picture

Yeah.. he shouldn't have to.. but in this case.. he "has to".. I guess he could start reminding his kid to set his alarm at night? but beyond that, the bottom line is he knows he can't let his kid miss or be late for things.

cmd88's picture

My DD13 has had her own alarm set for school for a couple of years now. I did not tell her to do that, she made that decision on her own. She sets her alarm for 6:00 a.m., makes me coffee in the morning, and chills until her second alarm goes off for the bus and then she runs out to it. As for my SD12, her mom wakes her up for school, at our house, I have told her to set an alarm and she never does. My DD13 will run and wake her up or I will before I have to leave for work. SD13 has missed the bus 3 times already this year because she takes over any hour to do anything. I have told DBF that she needs to learn to be more responsible and start setting her alarm for school each morning, has she done it? No. There will be once in a blue moon that she will be up and around before I leave for work but it's very rare. 

Biostep7777's picture

I hear ya!!! I have girls myself too. My youngest takes foooooorever. Lol. After a couple times of her scrambling to get out the door on time and getting stressed out, she figured out that if she sets her alarm a little earlier she doesn't have to rush. When she was rushing I said "yeah, that csb definitely get stressful, do you have any ideas on how you can fix that??" She said "well I should probably get up a little earlier so I have more time" I was like "bingo!!" lol. It's funny. I think one of my worst fears is that my kids won't be able to function without me so I really try to give them space ti make mistakes, learn and figure things out on their own with my supporting their decisions but I think HCBM's worst fear is that her kids won't need her so she does literally everything for them. She thinks that is what it means to be a good mom. Yeah, maybe when they are 3,4,5 years old. But NOT when they are in high school!! Lol . 
 

PS- that is so sweet that she makes your coffee. 

cmd88's picture

Aren'r girls fun haha. My DD13 isn't perfect, but when it comes to getting up in the morning to get ready for school, she's awesome. SD12, not so much. I have suggested that SD12 get up when DD13 does, (they share the same room), and she refuses because she said it's too early for her to wake up. So she will sometimes get up at 7 am and then showers, eats her breakfast, and winds up missing the bus. They have to be responsible for catching the bus, as I leave around 7:15 for work, and their bus gets there around 7:30-7:35 ish. So what ever happens when I leave, it's their responsibility. If the miss the bus, the end up calling my DBF who leaves for work at 5:30, to drive them to school, when sometimes he can't leave work to do so. So it does give me anxiety when we have SD12 on some of the week days, because I just never know if she made the bus on time. I am hoping that she does start setting alarms rather than rely on me and DD13 to wake her.

 

And thank you! DD13 has been doing that for about a year now. It saves me some time, and most of the time she makes it right. I just appreciate her being so thoughtful. 

Those are good techniques that you posted for sure. Maybe I should try this with SD12, but I will still probably get an eyeroll...haha  Kids/Young Adults, etc...; will always need us in some manner. That's what she needs to realize. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I don't wake my kids up, however there are cues... DD usually gets in the shower about 10mins after me, if the water pressure never changes, I do stick my head in to make sure she is up. She only missed her alarm once, the others times she had showered the night before. I also yell up the stairs as I am walking out the door for DS16- Love you bye! That is his OH CRAP! I should have been in the shower by now! 

Harry's picture

One day.  It's important for him to get up and out by himself on time. To make himself breakfast, lunch, wash his clothes ect.  Iys never too early to start teaching, parenting, him on this .  In a few years he may be a sleep away college.  No one is going to wake him up there,  either he gets up early enough for breakfast or he doesn't eat. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I was woken by nuns ringing bells to tell us it was time to get up.  Wouldn't recommend it.

Rags's picture

No, My SS was extremely responsible about getting up and catching the school bus.  I can recall only once, maybe twice, that he missed the bus at our stop. On those occassions he would run through the woods to the next neighborhood and catch the bus there.

I on the otherhand, was not quite as diligent though i walked to school which was only a few hundred yards from our home.  Mom was not tender about waking me up if I overslept.  Ice water or banging pans together were her prefered methods. Very effective for getting a teen out of bed for school.

Crr18's picture

The skids get up on their own at BM but my SO is always catering to them so  on the days we have them for school we wake up earlier then we normally do in order for him to wake up SD and get her breakfast and then wake up SS and get him breakfast. It is all microwavable and they can do it themselves but he insists.  Also there bus stop is like a football field away and he warms up the car 15 minutes early and drives them to it. They are 15 and 13. It is all his fault for doing this. I get more and more upset every time I put something on here because it makes me think this is not what I want or deserve my life to be. There is a lot of highs in our relationship but there are too many lows.

SteppedOut's picture

Gross.

Crr18's picture

Yep it is and I don't have a clue how to make it stop and is it even worth the aggravation of me trying to make it stop. He is the one doing extra unnecessary work.

Tried out's picture

make it stop. That choice is his and only his. I know you want to fix this, and not just for yourself, but you've reasoned with your SO to no effect. Have you any reason to think you're getting through? Not him saying he wants to change but actually following through? 

Crr18's picture

If they have to get up early on the weekends because they are being picked up by BM or someone else he has started to make them set their alarms and get up on their own.It's not much but it is a start.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Does your SO have some kind of guilt/masochism thing going on? It almost seems like he is making things hard for himself on purpose, like the more he suffers for his kids the better.

ETA it doesn't sound like he teaches them anything, because that would involve telling them what to do. And it doesn't sound like he enjoys their time together. His parenting role is like a suffering servant. It's pathetic and it doesn't sound like his kids respect him for it. If he wants to self-flagellate that's one thing, but expecting you to do it with him is something else. 

Crr18's picture

Your observation is correct. He makes his life hard himself. He thinks spending time with them is waiting on them and driving them around. The only thing he teaches is telling the SS what he has done wrong in sports that he plays. IMO it seems like neither him or the children enjoy being around each other. It is more like robotic. I have never once heard him say I love you to them. To this day I say I love you to my dad anytime I see him or talk to him and give him a hug. And my SO is extremely loving and emotional with me so I don't understand why he is not that way the kids. But I want to add this because it was kind of a break through with him thinking he may have to parent. Sorry if I am getting wordy but I wanted to say it. Last night when he spoke to the SD15 on the phone (it wasn't our night) he could tell she had been crying. Well to go back a little she had been having a problem with some friends and my SO was saying how mean the friends are and that his DD is so quiet she wouldn't be doing anything wrong. And he felt so sorry for her. So last night he asked why  was she crying and she said BM was upset with her. At the basketball game (SD cheers) another parent and her husband were purposely talking loud so that the BM could hear and said that the SD has been so mean to their DD. SD told SO that some of it is true but BM was mean about it (I guess BM is seeing she needs to start parenting). SO said well you did say some of what was said is true. When my SO got off the phone he said what if it is DD that is causing the problems. He said I guess it is true that my kids can do things that aren't nice.. He said he needs to talk to her to see why she is being mean to her friends. Crossing my fingers that he will actually start parenting. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Of course SD might be in the wrong. No kid is perfect and it's a parent's job to teach them what they need to know. Kids need parents, not servants. 

Thisisnotus's picture

This is my DH for SD14 and 18. Yet he won't lift a finger to do anything for our 3 year old. In almost 4 years he has never helped me in the mornings with our child while i get myself ready for work, get me other kids off to school and get our toddler to her grandmas. But bet your a$$ that when SD sleeps over he's up at the crack of dawn getting her up, packing her lunch and taking her to school. When she's not here he sleeps until I leave the house. Then he wonders why I am in a bad mood all the time. 

Crr18's picture

He should be helping you with the 3 year old.I am sure he has his "reasons " why he helps your SD and not your own child. I am sure in his mind his reasoning makes sense.It is hard to get through to these bioparents for sure. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

No, she wakes me up for work lol (she has to get up earlier than i do and often wakes me up.) My son woke up on his own by junior high and even my SO's kids wake themselves up. 

Dawn-Moderator's picture

My Ss's Bm insisted on waking him up too.  He had an alarm clock at our house.

For the longest time she refused to let Ss get an alarm clock.  Weird stuff!!

Cover1W's picture

Both SDs were pretty good at getting up, setting alarms and all. We would both sometimes be gone before the bus came and they KNEW they had to get out - luckily the bus stop was close too.  OSD had more issues and would sometimes forget to set her alarm or sleep over it (she of course was addicted to her phone and she could keep up untl 3 am - bragging to DH about it). 

YSDalmost16 has had her own alarm clock for years and she uses it. She extremely picky about being "on time" and what time means to her is to the mintute (she doesn't get "I'll be there around 6:30" or "at a quarter till"). She also uses her alarm on the weekends which I think is nuts. It goes off at 7:00 - 7:30 on weekends here. And we KNOW she sleeps in late at BMs.

I just don't get involved, she's managing it just fine and as she wants to.

Thisisnotus's picture

Omg this drives me nuts. SD14 gets woken up by mommy and daddy...DH and SD plan it all out the night before about what time she should be woken. Then he has to go in her room 5 times before she gets up...it's this huge ordeal. It's so so weird. 
 

i have 2 teens at home who haven't had to be woken up in years....I am not waking up high school students...they are big girls. But SD14 is treated like a toddler so.....I guess if she can't even pour her own drink into a glass I don't know why she'd be able to get up in the morning without daddy waking her.

Crr18's picture

My SO is slowly,very , very ,slowly, getting better with some of the babying. I can't stand it either when he pours their drinks. What are these parents teaching them? Unless you are a millionaire no one is going to wait on you when you are an adult.Where are life lessons being taught?