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I never dated anyone with kids and I’m starting to....

OnTheFence92's picture

Regret it. This is my first time and I’m not too fond of it. I am 26 and my girlfriend is 27. She is currently in the process of going through a divorce with her ex-wife. They are separated. I have kids, both girls ages 3 and 8. My girlfriend has a 4 year old son. BUT the boy isn’t hers biologically.

 

Quick background story: Her ex-wife, well girlfriend at the time, was a compulsive cheater and left her and got pregnant by some guy. They were in a lesbian relationship and were seeking sperm donors, my now-girlfriends ex-wife introduced her to this guy and recommend him as a donor for their baby and my now-girlfriend declined because she felt he was “slow” and was mentally off. So, shortly down the line, the ex-wife cheated and left my now-girlfriend for the potential sperm donor and got pregnant. While she was 6 weeks pregnant my now-girlfriend took her back with open arms and moved her back in and took care of her during her whole pregnancy. Stupid, I know! But the things you do for love. I asked her why, because if it was me, I would’ve never took her back and she would’ve been left to deal with that on her own.. She claims it’s because she felt like that was suppose to be her child. *rolls eyes*. But yet she has no legal rights to him, she’s been planning on adopting him. Whatever. Anyway. My girlfriend has been in this boys life since he was born, took care of him, raised him, paid for everything, daycare, medical bills etc...

 

My problem is, he is spoiled ROTTEN! If he doesn’t get his way, he’ll fall out and throw a tantrum, in public, in private, it doesn’t even matter. There are times where he doesn’t even want to walk and would cry for my girlfriend to pick him up or do things for him a 4 year old is capable of doing, he wines like CRAZY! He’s hard headed and clingy. He’ll be 5 in July and he doesn’t even know how to speak properly, he doesn’t say full sentences or words, I can barely understand him and he’s behind on his milestones. They believe that he has some of the characteristics of his biological father. Or autism. Which I mentioned earlier. Every time he sees me and my girlfriend too close or kissing he screams “no” repeatedly as he runs up to us and tries to push us apart and reaches up to her for his to pick her up. Some times she’ll tell him stop but most times she won’t say anything and ignore him. Which I feel is enabling his behavior. 

 

Me and my girlfriend has been together long enough for him to be use to it by now. She has him 5 days out of the week, so I’m around a lot. At first it was cute, but now it’s becomkng an eye rolling and irritating situation! How should I come to her about the issue? I’m trying to give it a little bit more time because from my understanding, he has never seen my girlfriend with anyone beside his biological mom. I understand that dating someone with kids, it comes with baggage, kids will be kids, but some kids... are just non tolerable and that’s the reason why I stayed away from people with children. Because you’ll never know what you’ll get. It’s a lot to take on. She claims he’s spoiled and have “the only child’s syndrome”. Well fix it! My girls are well behaved and their behavior is not out of order like my girlfriends son and she even admitted that he’s a handful and has never seen kids act as he does. When we take all our kids out together, he’s the only acting up, throwing tantrums and crying all the time and my girls just took at him crazy and side ways. Even my newly 3 year old behaves better than him.

Also, he’s very overly obnoxious and dramatic. He’ll do things like be clumsy or playing and will legit fall down lightly and do one of those cries where nothing comes out at first and run to my girlfriend. And I feel like it’s just to get her attention, because she’ll hold him and console him as a parent should... but we both knows that he’s dramatic. She even says it.

I probably would feel a tiny bit better if the situation on how he got here was different. Or maybe even if he was adopted by her. We have talked about having kids together in the future, but I cannottttt if his behavior doesn’t change. He can’t even accept me or cause a tantrum when I get too close or kiss his mother, imagine if she has another baby and the attention isn’t fully on him. I’m on the verge or resentment and I don’t want to get to that route.

 

She’s an amazing person, loving and caring and everything I could have ever asked for but.... the kid and his behavior  is a huge issue. I don’t have any issues with kids, it’s the poor behavior and how the parent deals with it. Any advice? 

OnTheFence92's picture

My girl friends also has heard of the bio-father behavior and her sons behavior is very similar, she even says that she’s now reaping the consequences of staying and taking in her cheating girlfriend and the responsibilities. But she says it’s too late because he’s already 4 and she’s attached of course and she doesn’t want to be that person to abandon a kid. I can tell she loves him dearly.

Aunt Agatha's picture

You are too young to get involved with a Disney parent.  As this child gets older, and her parenting or lack thereof doesn’t change, the problems will get worse.

Read around the boards a bit.  Many great catches are horrible parents and the problems that causes dooms many relationships.

Enjoy your youth, don’t take on someone else’s problems.

oatsnhoney's picture

Sounds like the 2 moms have no clue about how to parent, and if he is on spectrum, they’ve done nothing to seek help to learn the tools needed to help the child thrive and develop with his spectrum needs. You could try learn yourself and share with your SO. Some are open to that but not most. Most get defensive if you comment on their parenting. But worth a shot since this will probably deteriorate as your patience waivers.

Gingersnapped's picture

You are WAY too young to invest in a relationship this difficult! 

Take it from us oldies (47) who have been around. Find someone else. You WILL regret staying.