You are here

never thought I'd have to post here again, but here I am smh

OnTheFence92's picture

Here I am once again on this site asking for advice and venting. And honestly, I’m at the end of my ropes.


Before responding to this post, if you haven’t read any of my other post, I would recommend that you read my last post. (


I’m am losing myself trying to help heal and trying to get someone to see the reality of their situation. Trying to be supportive, giving advice, helping them cope emotionally, etc.. I am to the point where I’m neglecting myself trying to help someone who’s living in denial and who truly doesn’t want to help themselves. 


 I understand everyone has their own healing process and we cannot force them to hit milestones they aren’t ready for.


If you read the last post or any of my posts. Throughout the whole relationship with my girlfriend, since the beginning, the situation with her ex and her exes son has been the highlight of our relationship. From the way, her ex treated my girlfriend like a slave to take care of a child that’s NOT HERS. ( My girlfriend's ex cheated on her and got pregnant, so my girlfriend decided to take care of the child). That hurt me seeing someone I loved being taken advantage of and used. My girlfriend paid for EVERYTHING. Did EVERYTHING and was being used and abused like an ATM and a baby sitter. Even after my girlfriend forgave her and took on a responsibility that is not hers, her ex still decided to cheat with a multitude of men AND women! And had those same people around the kid.


From the drama surrounding us, well me, all the time. The arguing, the bickering, the demands and mind games from the ex. To her ex and her exes family threatening me on multiple occasions, the most recent was 2 weeks ago when her exes sister tried to fight me in public. I could not bear another moment. I felt overwhelmed and scared for my safety. Every other day it was drama, we could barely enjoy dates together. I tried so hard to suck it up and be supportive, but I was suffering and it was suffocating.


Although my girlfriend’s ex told her that my girlfriend is not the parent to the kid she raised, although my girlfriends ex told her that she will NEVER get custody of the child, after many years of false promises to my girlfriend  of obtaining custody, after having multiple people come into the kids life, while my girlfriend raised him and took care of him more than his biological mom. Her ex has the kid calling her current girlfriend “mommy”. After so many threats from her ex on taking the boy out my girlfriends life when she’s didn’t get her way. So many years of having a kid used as a pawn and manipulation to keep you around. And surprisingly it has worked for 4 years


The last straw was when I received threats from my girlfriend's ex and her family. So I gave her an ultimatum. It’s either me or that situation. She chose this relationship because she knew deep down inside that the situation with the child was never promise because of her ex and that there would always be drama. She said that she was ready to move on and heal from the situation and let it go. But decided to see him for his birthday and drop off gifts, then supposedly that was when she got her "real" closure of the situation. Which I did not believe because she has said that so many times.


Last month I found out recently that she’s been keeping in contact with her exes mom. Her exes mom would send her pictures of the kid and tell my girlfriend that she could see him through her. Which I thought was a bad idea and unhealthy. My girlfriend said that the last time she has seen him, she had closure and she was wiping her hands with the situation, which I knew wasn’t true. When I found out she was still in contact with her exes mom, we both agreed that she would cut her off. So I thought.


Yesterday early morning while we were sleep, my girlfriend's phone starts ringing. She answered, and I heard a women's voice followed by a kids voice. She hurried and left the room to continue the phone call. When she came back, I asked her who called her and she told me that her exes mom called her because the kid wanted to speak to her. I didn't say anything. I left it alone. Because at this point I’m over it. I feel like I was beating a dead horse about a situation that or person I had no control over. 


I finally spoke on it today and her response was "It did not hurt me, it didn't affect me in a negative way. It didn't make me emotionally give off bad or sad vibes. I didn't include you in it or put it on you. Honestly, I hadn't even been talking to her and she called at 6:30 in the am. I thought something happened to my son so of course, I answered especially that she called me twice. I still care about my son, love him, and care about the well being of him. That's ok. It shouldn't make you feel the way you do, especially if you don't have to deal with it. The whole reason we suggested that I stop talking to her is by how it affected me and emotionally drained and affected you but it had no negative effect on me what's so ever to let me son hear my voice and tell him I love him."

I asked her if she would have told me if I didn't ask, and her response was " wouldn't have because I know how it affects you. It only should affect you if it affects me."

My question is if you were supposed to cut ties, how was she even able to get through to you? shouldn't she be blocked?

I told her that I feel lied to and that I can no longer trust her nor her word. Her actions and words do not match up. She continuously says one thing and then says or do another. AND I AM TIRED!

She says that she doesn't feel like she has lied or did anything to betray my trust and that baffles me. 

I spoke to the biological father's cousin a few weeks ago, and he has been looking for this child. He wants this child and I told my girlfriend that amongst other things such as how her ex has been in contact with the father in the past, debating on letting him be in the kid's life. And she had no idea that all of that was happening behind her back.

I feel like I'm losing my sanity. This will probably be my last post here because I'm washing my hands on this situation 


OnTheFence92's picture

Do you feel like I'm overreacting or being selfish? I have no ill feelings towards the kid, just everything that comes with him. I cannot respect bull shit, and that situation was made upon bullshit and it still is bullshit. Regardless of the feelings my girlfriend has for the child. I'm trying so hard to make sense out of it all. I just wished she'd think with logic instead of her emotions.

tog redux's picture

You have the right be "selfish", if that means taking care of yourself.  She also has the right to continue to pursue the relationship with this child.

The fact that she's lying to you and dismissing your feelings is the real problem.  If she could say, "Look, I do want to be with you, but I'm not ready to let go of this child (she keeps calling him "her son" and he's not, which is also a concern). I hope you'll stay, but I understand if it's too much for you, and I know all the drama with the ex has been hard on you, "  that would be different.

Instead, she's saying, "I want you to stay but this situation shouldn't bother you at all. I never said I would stop trying to see him and I don't understand why it even upsets you. Get over it." 

That's the giant red flag here. 

OnTheFence92's picture

Well, at first in the beginning when things started to hit the fan with the ex, she told me that she would be understanding if I chose to leave. After a while, I was on the verge of leaving. It was when the ex and the exes family started threatening me when my girlfriend decided for herself, to walk away from the situation. 3 weeks went by, and she was back in contact with the ex. And the drama followed shortly after. The only tie to the drama is the child. I told her bluntly that if she was to ever be back in his life, I could not be with her. So she cut contact again from the ex. But she has shown me that she hasn't completely let go. She's going against her words, finding any loopholes and reasons to have some type of connection to him. How can you move on and heal from something if you're still entertaining it? It's like dealing with an addict. You can't even be honest with yourself, let alone me. 

She calls him her son, because according to her "he's her son regardless of how he got here, what his biological mom does or what people think" I guess maybe it's because she raised him? She hates even the thought of being considered a step-parent, although technically, that's what she was. 

With her response I posted in the original post, it's like we've never talked about moving forward and what she should do to move forward. She claims that she's fine mentally when keeping in contact, next thing you know she's going to be sucked back into the BS with her ex and I am not going to sit around for that to happen.

tog redux's picture

I think that if she isn't ready to let go, and you can't deal with her pursuing him and all the drama that entails, then you two are just not compatible now, and there is no right or wrong about it. 

OnTheFence92's picture

She basically feels like by not being in his life and not taking care of him anymore, that she's done enough on her end. We both agreed that she should cut all ties, and that's what it was supposed to be. But as I said, with keeping in contact with her exes mom regarding him, she has one foot in and one foot out. So at this point, I'm just going to have to make the decision for her and wish her luck on the misery she's been putting on herself for the last 5 years. She really missed out on a blessing, because I was nothing but amazing to her.

tog redux's picture

I can see how she might have a hard time letting him go and be trying to hang on to both of you. But still, you have to do what's best for you. 

OnTheFence92's picture

I can see that it is hard for her also. I told her that I would help her get through it and I've given her advice on what I feel like would be best for her, but she refuses it. I've learned you can't force people to do anything nor help someone who isn't ready or wanting to help themselves. Just like I told her, some of the hardest decisions may be one of the best, and now I have to take my own advice. 

Thanks for your input by the way.


Exjuliemccoy's picture

Relationships are not supposed to be this hard. This one is less than two years old, and it's been so filled with drama that I could barely stand to read your previous posts.

Now, your gf is lying/keeping things from you.

You're not overreacting, and you're not being selfish enough IMO. You don't want this b.s. in your life. It's toxic, and you have the clarity to see that you can't grow as a couple because your gf is still clinging to the past.

Find someone with better judgement and a modicum of self mastery who doesn't lie to herself and won't lie to you.

OnTheFence92's picture

That's funny how you, I and everyone else can feel disgusted by the drama, and my girlfriend has had the nerves to say on multiple occasions, "Other couples go through or have been through worse". What a slap in the face.

The exes mom proposed that my girlfriend can see the kid through her, instead of going through the bio-mom. I thought maybe, that could be possible. But then again, how long would that last until the drama starts rolling back in full force? I know I'm not selfish for not wanting to take that chance.

So thank you for clarifying that I am not overreacting. 

This situation isn't mine personally, but it became apart of my life and it became a HUGE part of our relationship. I definitely learned so many valuable lessons. I'll just make the decision for her since she cannot help but to have one foot in and one foot out. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

The exe's mom is an interfering, duplicitous p.o.s. Imagine, conspiring like that behind her own bio's back.

Just another reason to extract yourself from the crazy and find a high-quality partner who isn't headed for the Jerry Springer show.

Harry's picture

Not others.  It’s your choice to either live this way, with SS and the EX and ExMIL always in the picture. Or to leave her and the circuits.  That your choice, once made that the way you will live

OnTheFence92's picture

I really love her, so it's not going to be easy. As far as confidence goes, i'll fake it until I make it. 

Rags's picture

Love is not enough. There has to be substance in the partner and in the relationship.

Take care of you.