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My worst nightmare is happening!!!!!

Chelsearg's picture

hubbys ex is beyond insane. False accusations, always picks fights, everyone must obey her. But in the community she is an “angel”. She was in an anusive relationship prior to hubby and hubby claims she pushed him to that point. I do not condone violence AT ALL. But she has pushed hubby to a point I’m surprised he hasn’t snapped. She is severely abusive! She has made false claims before and I needed councelling. It broke me and I have my own child to protect. We had an amazing week with SS this week. Despite his bed wetting in previous post. We went to the pools and trampoline park and the beach and hiking and had like 3 movie nights with so much junk food and pancakes for dinner. It was great. SS asked me yesterday when he was going home and I said I don’t know but your dads sorting it with your mom. He then said they will be fighting and he will just go tomorrow if she doesn’t want to meet halfway or pick him up. I just made a joke of the situation to lighten it (I said let the hunger games begin). He also mentioned to me on his own accord about his sister getting a trespass order from her boyfriend and mentioned to his dad that he’s been in contact with his mums violent exes family. Hubby became worried and asked him some questions about seeing them and left it at that. Today SS went home and the ex is accusing me of all sorts. Saying I made SS uncomfortable and asked him things I shouldn’t have and I shouldn’t be around SS and he won’t be coming back unless I’m gone because I’m a danger somehow. I’m beyond furious. Hubby told her to get f***** but she doesn’t care. We have been to the lawyers a billion times and it gets us no where because she’s a victim of abuse and paints hubby like her ex. Hubby wants to see his son but is not going to give me the boot obviously but what do we do when she refuses to hand him over. The system here is shit. We have a court order but she just gets a letter in the mail and told to comply. Not only this but what’s if the accusations paint me as a bad parent and somehow affects my son! I’m starting a buisness, iv completed study in veterinary medicine I’m a good person. I don’t deserve this! 

Notup4it's picture

Your DH is going to have to make a choice:... either he puts his foot down once and for all and risks not seeing his kid for a long time; or he keeps going appeasing this crazy ex and you keep going through it until something major happens or you leave. 

We are in a similar situation.... but our problem is just she won’t comoly with court orders, and the courts are not willing to impose harsh enough consequences.... and everything just goes around in circles making lawyers rich. 

My DH has now (for the time being anyways) accepted that until he gives up there isn’t even the slightest chance for change. It isn’t your fault, she would behave like this to your DH no matter what, and the same to whomever he was with. Now you just have to decide how YOU are going to handle it and what YOU are going to do about it. 

Rags's picture

No you don't deserve this.  But at some point you either need to go all in to destroy this POS whether she is a victim of abuse or not or you have to cut your losses and move on. Her history as an abuse victim does not justify her victimizing her son, his father or you.

Own her ass. Destroy her in court, financially and in the community. Whatever it takes within the bounds of hte law.  Record everything, counter everything with fact, publish her crap broadly.  Bare her ass.

And have fun doing it.  Diablo

I would.


thinkthrice's picture

but you must realize that courts favour the CP BM no matter how heinous.  It's 1000+ times easier to fight an NCP bioDAD in court as it was in your case.  The courts see CP HCBM as wearing a halo and "protecting" the children.  Given the automatic benefit of the doubt...especially those women who come off as MOTY and soccermom "pillar of the community" like the Girhippo.  You could end up spending hundreds of thousands only for HCBM to maybe get a slight tap on the wrist.

Notup4it's picture

Thinkthrice is absolutely correct.... dads do not have a chance in court, even when the judges actually agree with dad!!!!! 

We have gone the legal route and have spent you don’t even want to know how much money trying to fix some of the crap the (literally insane) BM has caused.

And me and DH are both educated professionals with great high status jobs, with amazing families, no issues whatsoever legally or with any substance abuse problems, with a nice home and raising my DD with her dad and stepmom. We are the “pillars of the community”. 

Bio mom isn’t even a “saint” she has a criminal record from what she has done to us, has been caught telling lies in court that were substantial and they will slap her on the wrist but that is as far as it goes. She just gets crazier and crazier each time (because of the courts being how they are she knows she can get away with pretty much anything!). She doesn’t even have any actual allegations against us, she is just simply saying the kids don’t want to go and she isn’t making them- end of story.  And the court is pretty much like “you can’t do that”, but then don’t do anything to stop it.... and she just keeps chugging along. 

Also the courts now are very different than even 5 years ago- they are just all about “let’s hold hands and sing kumbaya”— so when someone is acting up it isn’t like it was 5 years ago where they will throw the book at them, it’s “let’s try X and see if that helps.... we will come back in 6 months and talk about it”—- so another 6 months of alienation passes and then they will say the exact same thing again. All while you give them 10’s of thousands of dollars. 

Rags's picture

That is what the facts are for. What destroying her financially and socially are for.  We used the courts to understand the boundaries then we went to war when necessary.  Within the boundaries set by the CO we learned how to control them.  We knew the CO, the supplemental county rules and the state regulations governing Custody/Visitation/Support backwards, forwards, upside down and sideways.  And we smacke the crap out of them with those tools.  We made their crap public knowledge, we did not let them hide their toxic bullshit, we practiced zero tolerance when they stepped outside the bounds of reasonable behavior and we set the clear expectations that they would either comply or suffer.

While we did get some pushback from their local courts the most effective tules we had were not outlined in the CO or stipulated by the courts.  The facts, the truth, and a proverbial big stick worked.  Making their employers aware of their crap, their church, their neighbors, etc.  We had nothing to hide so there was no opportunity for them to turn it around on us.

Know the CO, rules and regs, know the facts, know the enemy and where they are vulnerable and confront them there.  Facts are a beautiful thing when confronting a toxic blended family opposition. They hate the facts.  Use them liberally and publish them anywhere they interface with the public. Schools, church, work, etc, etc, etc....

They will crawl back under their rock.  Until the next time you have to smack them with the facts.


Rags's picture


I do completely understand that NCPs are at a definate disadvantage in the courts.  However, the CO sets the boundaries. What either side does whithin those boundaries, or more importantly what they do outside the authority of the courts,  is what determins the outcome.  The side that knows the rules the best, continuously updates the facts and applies them effectively ultimately will control the situation.  Whether the courts have half a brain or not.

Family law Courts can only act when people are standing in front of the Judge.  As long as you comply with the CO what is done beyond that is entirely up to you. 


Notup4it's picture

See this is where it works for BMs but not dad’s. We have a good CO, she is at liberty to break the CO without penalty (as she is the custodial parent)- we have paid immense  amounts of money to (ocassionally) get her to have a slap on the wrist. It is always just a lecture from judge and a “see you in 6 months”, and repeat. 

How fianncially do we break her?! DH pays her over half his income.... and that is legal obligation. Can’t just not pay child support. Can make her keep paying for a lawyer, but that hurts us as much as it does her. 

She doesn’t work, so can’t ruin her with her employer..... but me and DH do, and she has already done crazy things surrounding that. 

We live 3 hours away, her church already knows she is a nut, but they don’t care and neither does she. She has only a couple friends and they are the exact same kind of people she is..... so again they don’t care. We have more at stake than she does, and she has zero moral compass and will do ANYTHING to destroy DH’s life, his relationship with his kids and his families life.

im a bio mom as well, and trust me when I say the dads who are non-custodial have pretty much no say, and are in a weak spot. I would never, but trust me I know I could absolutely destroy my ex’s life piece by piece if I was so inclined.... and it would cost me almost nothing to do so. It is a whole different ballgame when it comes to non-custodial dads... all you can do is hope the BM is a decent person, or you have an endless supply of money you don’t mind handing over in hopes that at some point the court will do something (anything) to help the horrible situation. 

Pretty much if you are dealing wiith a lunatic BM you are at her mercy, and either you make yourself broke fighting her or you walk away and go try to be as happy as you can without your kids in your life. 

In all honesty, you and your wife could have just refused to hand the kid over and ended up with about the same result as anything going through court. 

Think about it.... you don’t hand the kid over and the cops say “we don’t get involved”.... but we will record keep for you. Then you go to your lawyer spend about $4000 to get an expedited court date.... the judge says “why didn’t you supply the kids?!”.... “they were sick and didn’t want to go”, oh ok... “well next time make them go”, and “DH please don’t bring such minor issues to my court room”- so next time you wait to have 6 mo this worth of court orders being broken (as the children are more damaged in the process)... you spend another $4000 to be heard and it’s “ok let’s do a views of the children”, and we will order some counselling (of course Mom doesn’t agree with who to select for a counsel or and that is another 2 ml th wait.... kids go and the. It’s oh we aren’t going anymore kids don’t like this counselling, and then more court orders broken.... and back to court another 6 months later and on and on. Then Mom fabricated some new problem and it continues. If the kids are brainwashed, and the mom has no scrupuls it just doesn’t work and who has time to battle like this when you are working 60 hrs+/week trying to keep up with legal fees, etc.

Rags's picture

How about pushing for a different Judge?  We did that when it turned out that SpermGranny was the vacation home housekeeper for our first Judge.  While my DW was the CP we never lived nearer than 1200+ miles to SpermLand and had to battle regularly with the bias of the SpermLand courts for SpermLand resident toothless moron neglectful dipshits.  It took placing an add in the local paper with a pic of the SpermIdiot and his arrest record and a pic of hte Judge outlining how he forced a 2yo to spend time with the SpermIdiot and the family that produced him.  Our lawyer begged us not to run the add because she had to practice in that community and it would piss off the Judge.  We placed the add anyway.  The Judge's admin called our attorney to ask us not to run it.  Apparently the Judge had a relative at the paper who called him about our add before it ran.  He agreed to not sit for any of our future court actions.  So we pulled the add. 

The next Judge was better but no mental giant by any means.  We did what we had to do to protect my Skid.

The problem with family law is .... there really is no law other than case law.  Judges are not held to a standard other than what they feel like they want to do at any given time.  As our first Judge said "I hope everyone feels better. Now I am going to do what I always do.". So they do not act on incontrovertable evidence of a POS parent not paying CS while their grand parents pay it for them them, the POS parent lives in a property owned by their parents rent free, the three younger alow out of wedlock POS parent spawned sibs by two other baby mamas live with the parents of the POS and he pays nothing.  So they hear but in the end ignore a motion for the POS's parents income to be considered for calculation of CS.  But wow was it fun to hear them freak out when we made that motion and the Judge took it under consideration.

If what is being done isnt working for you, try something different until you get closer to what you are hoping to accomplish.



Notup4it's picture

The term spermidiot and spermclan totally cracks me up!!

We did switch judges (after finding out the one judge was buddies with Safan’s lawyer),  The other judges have been kind an on DH’s side.... but it is just limited as to what they do or what they are willing to do. Satan is very conniving and just doesn’t listen to anything (including consequences- legal and monetary). Pretty much our only hope would be if they fully reversed custody and gave her supervised visits- but to get to that point would cost us at least 100k and no guarantee. She also LOVES the legal battle because she then just deprives the kids financially to pay for it and is all “look what your DAD is doing to us!!!!!!!”, it is so sick. Most women (or people in general) would just comply and be reasonable... not this one!!

The only thing that is left to do is to drop the rope now and see if that maybe makes her change her ways slightly... at the least it should decrease the amount of damage she is doing to the kids. She knows how much DH loves them and this is her way of seeking revenge or keeping power. If we just walk away for it and let it be known that it is fine and we will live a happy life without this chaos whether that means the kids see us or not is I think the ONLY thing that will impact this lunatic witch. 


Rags's picture

BM's toxic crap is why the SKids need to be seasoned with the CO and the facts in an age appropriate manner. This will help prepare them to protect themselves from their toxic WombDonor as they grow up and throughout their adulthood.  This is what we had to do for our son (my former SS-26, now adopted) to protect he and his best interests from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool and to arm him and prepare him to protect himself from them as an adult.

Dad needs to show them the CS order, his payment history and a running spreadsheet of all of the money he has given to BM for their support. When BM plays the  “look what your DAD is doing to us!!!!!!!” card the kids will have the information to immediately reply with "What happened to the $XX.xx thousands dad has given to you for our support over the years?" 

The facts that the kids are introduce to in an age appropriate manner should include the complete court records, call logs, journals of all of BM's manipulative crap and the stories the Skid's tell about what goes on at mom's house, BM's financial and relationship indiscretions, etc, etc, etc....

Facts are awesome and they are neither good nor bad. They are merely facts.  The kids need the facts.

Survivingstephell's picture

Rags is right, facts are a wonderful tool in the face of a HCBM.  Giving them to the skids and teaching them to think and question everything is relativly easy and cheap.  Way more effective than a lawyer.  Way more important for the future of the skids too.  

We used facts and critical thinking skills.  Totally worth the effort.  

Rags's picture

Absolutely critical thinking skills are key to understanding the facts.  Thanks for pointing that out.  That is one thing SS was well seasoned in over the years.  Understanding cause and effect, thinking critically, understanding the connection between effort and result and cause and effect and quality of decisioning.  Or in short.... critical thinking skills.

His mom and I frequently ask about his interface with the SpermClan.  He has tuned them so well that other than his younger sister (SpermIdiot Spawn #2 by baby mama #2 of 3) who he remains fairly close to none of them even attempt to contact him.  He dictates the interface and they know better than to step out of line on that. 

He doesn't need our help but we make sure he knows he has it if he needs it.

Thanks for tuning me in to that element.

thinkthrice's picture

didnt even show up as a respondent the last court date we had.   She merely slipped the court clerk a note THE BUSINESS DAY BEFORE the hearing saying it was "too stressful" for her to appear.

Did the magistrate even admonish her for being a no show or say "officer, drag her in here?"   Nope.  Instead they were all up in CHEF'S ass wanting to know his latest INCOME for CS!!!!   No, a CP HCBM has the upper hand and an NCP bioDad is as they say in the vernacular "down by law."

Notup4it's picture

The stuff they get away with blows my mind!! And I’m sure they all talk with other toxic HCBMs and on blogs and get tips too.... they must because the stunts they pull and get away with always are the same.  I would be terrified to pull such stunts but they don’t even bat an eye just knowing what they can get away with. There were a few things happening when my DD was little that I legitimately should have taken my ex to court about... but I was terrified of going and somehow losing custody or creating more trouble- sigh, had I known. 

Rags's picture

Except for our first court fest where I refused to provide my income to the Judge because he had already ruled that I was "not a party to the case" we always provided full records to the court in response to a summons or court request.

The SpermIdiot would show up with a couple of pay stubs and a line of bullshit if he even bothered to bring pay stubs.  We were required to provide prior year tax returns, bank statements, pay stubs, investment account statements, monthly mortgage payment statements, etc, etc, etc.....  the SpermIdiot couldn't even tell what his rent was... since he didn't pay any.  We hammered that down the Judge's throat along with testimony from SpermIdiot breeding partners that he didn't pay rent to his parents for the rental home he lived in.  The Judge just shrugged and ignored us.  Until I took out a full page ad in the Judge's home town paper baring his idiot ass for his inept bullshit.

The courts victimize the performers and worship the loser POS morons.  It is beyond mind boggling to me.  The last round of court actions the SpermIdiot refused delivery of the court summons repeatedly and physically ran from the Constable when he was directly being directly served.  So th DA's office contacted my bride to provide information on the SpermIdiot.  She had done his taxes when they were together when she was pregnant with SS (whe was 16 and he was 22 at that time) so she had his SS# and was able to do a ton of reasearch to serve  him up on a silver platter to the DA.  She delivered a list of his assets (several cars gifted by the SpermGrandHag/Pa) his state plulmbers license #, his employer, the wage breakdown for trades workers in his county including plumbers, birth certificates for  his three younger also out of wedlock half sibs by 2 other baby mamas, and poof that the SpermGPs had paid all of his CS to date for my SS and that they were paying his CS obligation on the younger three and ... that  he was living in their rental property rent free.

The DA thanked us and invoked direct withholding of CS from his pay and raised his CS from $133/mo to $786/Mo.  He came running into court with his hair on fire when he got his first $0.00 pay check.  We raked his ass over the coals with the Judge and presented all of the facts of his bullshit and support he received from his parents. They made their usual motion for my income to be factored into CS calculation so we countered that the SpermGP's income should be added to his for CS calculation purposes. That damned near caused SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandPa to stroke out.    *diablo*  Too bad they didn't.

The CP definately has the upper hand but IMHO far to many people roll over and play dead in front of idiot family law Judges. 

I can't help to think that if people stood up for themselves in court and demanded an accounting from Judges for letting POS morons off of the hook while raking hard working honest performers over the coals that there would be some different outcomes than the usual moron decisions we tend to see from these Harry Potter robed Fisher-Price wooden hammer wielding morons.


Ispofacto's picture

Without proof that she was a victim of previous abuse, her current behavior causes me to doubt her claim.  Our BM tried claiming DH was abusive over a year after their divorce was final, when it never came up during the divorce.  My DH is a smurf and would never hurt anyone.  She's a lying liar.