Wow, lots of issues came up this week. BF and I have been busy working on our relationship by working through them the best that we can. But some things just don't seem to be explainable to someone who isn't in a similar situation.

First one was that I remove myself from the room when BF and BM are talking and the discussion comes up about the boys births. I love my stepsons. I am so glad to have them in my life. (Although it would be easier if it didn't include their mom!) That doesn't change the fact that it's still painful for me to hear about something that I wanted so badly - a child of my own. And I don't think that there is anything wrong with removing myself from a situation that I know is going to bring up those hurting feelings.

Here's the thing, I had a daughter when I was 21. I thought that the best thing for her and the best thing for me was to place her for adoption. It's not a choice I regret, I do think it was for the best. I thought I'd have children when I was older and more ready, and when there was a father in the picture who wanted to partner with me in the raising of a child. I didn't find that in my marriage, which is probably part of why it ended. And I didn't find that before I had to have a hysterectomy several years ago. And I still grieve over the loss of that possibility and that dream.

I love the fact that I get to be a parent to these two beautiful boys. But I still have a hole in me and there are times when it feels like the scab is being ripped off where I'm trying to heal. And that happens when I hear about the births of these two wonderful boys. And there's the part of me that mourns about the fact that I will never be "Mommy". I don't want to take that away from BM, but the boys will always have Mommy and Daddy and XXXXX (insert first name here, I'll fill in with S'mom from here on out) and somehow that makes me sad.

There's also the fact that I don't have the memories of them as babies and toddlers. And when they talk about things from those times they always say "But that was before you knew us S'mom? Right?" and I say "Yes, that was before I knew you." And that makes me sad.

So, we talk and talk and he says he can kind of understand where I'm coming from, but that maybe I need to find closure on these feelings, and I say "Damn straight skippy! And I'm working through it but I can't snap my fingers and make it go away. And I need to feel the pain and acknowledge it when I feel it and then let it go in order to heal, but in the meantime ... I'm still going to feel sad. And that's OKAY! But I don't have to put myself in a situation with BM where I am going to be feeling all of that so strongly without it being safe to let it show or acknowledge the feelings so I can heal them, because even if he trusts her, I don't, and I'm not giving her that kind of ammo to use against me!

So, I am hoping, that as he and I talk these things out, he'll keep paying attention and learn to adjust the course of the conversation when the three of us are together and it heads that way, instead of me having to step away, or go find something to make me busy, like playing with the boys, getting them ready for bed, reading to them, while their Mommy and Daddy talk and I end up pissy, feeling like the hired help, a nanny who's good enough to care for the boys, clean up after them, teach them, love them and make Mommy's life easier, but not be a real part of their lives, their schooling or any decision making. At least not when she's around to throw a fit! BF says as far as he's concerned my thoughts, feelings and opinions matter as much as his where the boys are concerned, at least in our house. And he says that he's going to fight the battle with her when SS4 has his first day of Kindergarten ... or before then if it comes up.

Well, now I'm rambling, but it's good to get it out. And, yes, I admit I have some bitterness towards her ... that's going to have to be another post.

If you've read this far, thanks for listening to me. Blessings. - Red-headed_Stepmom