You are here


OnTheFence92's picture

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 8 months. But I can't help but to constantly battle between my heart and my common sense. And here is why.... 

Part 1: 

My girlfriend and her ex shared a child together. Mind you, the child is not my girlfriends kid biologically, he was also not planned what so ever. Her ex was a compulsive liar and cheater and the child was made out of infidelity, lies and deceit and my girlfriend decided to stay and take on that responsibility, and for 4 years she did not have LEGAL RIGHTS WHAT SO EVER for the boy. Since the existence of this boy, my girlfriends ex has used the boy as leverage to get what she wants. My girlfriend loves the boy so much, she has, and will do anything and go out of her way for the boy, my girlfriend has done more for the boy more than his biological mom did, she bought him everything, shoes, clothes, toys, including whatever her ex asked of her for the boy, she got it, which in reality there’s really nothing he needed because my girlfriend supplied it all. She even payed out of pocket for his daycare by herself every since he was 2. He didn't want for anything. Knowing how far my girlfriend is willing to go for him, her ex used that to her advantage to get what she wanted out of my girlfriend. If my girlfriend didn't jump when her ex said jump, her ex would threaten to take the boy away from my girlfriend every single time. Mind you the biological father still has rights to the child.

My girlfriend ex would always tell my girlfriend that she could get rights of the boy and then change her mind when things don't go her way. Her ex would even say things such as "he doesn't need you and that he’s good with or without you". This has been going on way before me and her got together. My girlfriend stayed in a miserable toxic relationship for years, with the fear that if she doesn’t stay, he will be taken away from her. Not to mention that I would have to sit around and witness and hear the constant drama between the two was driving me NUTS. We couldn't even enjoy our time together without her ex some how ruining it and my girlfriend allowing it. It came to the point where I was mentally becoming drained and ready to let it all go. 

Part 2: 

Me and my girlfriends ex got into it 2 months ago. I also was threatened by her ex's sister. Throughout our whole relationship I have always been target and a factor to my girlfriends ex. She would make fake pages to stalk my social media. She would make up lies telling my girlfriend that someone told her that I use to be a stripper (which is false), she would literally always make me the topic of conversation with lies and accusations. Once she mentioned my kids, I decided that I bit my tongue for far too long. 

Part 3: 

I reached out to her ex, and I addressed the situation like an adult. She took it to the offense that I even texted her and things went left. I still kept myself under control. Her sister decided to write me on Facebook and threatened to harm me. I guess reaching out to someone to resolve an issue is a big problem here? It was a big issue for weeks! So my girlfriend decided that it was best for her to "walk away" from her "son". Her ex got upset because she felt like she was choosing me over him. In all reality, he was the biggest tie to all the drama and manipulation! Honestly it was the best thing for my girlfriend to do, because I was not going to continue to stay around drama that wasn't even mind. It was getting out of control. 

Part 4:

My girlfriends ex, is now in a relationship with a women she cheated on my girlfriend with in the past. Let's call her Tammy. My girlfriends ex, now has Tammy taking care of the boy. They all live together now. Tammy has posted family pictures of them together with Tammy's son. Tammy has also posted the boy on social media, and called him her SON. My girlfriends ex is even going around telling everyone that my girlfriend is not the boys parent. 

Part 5: 

My girlfriend claims that she is done with the situation, claims that she is going to move forward, going to start a new life with me etc.. and we were going to start our own family together etc.. We've been looking up donors for months! I even picked out the engagement ring I wanted and she's been saving up for. We always talk about our future kids and how we'd want our life to be. Mind you, we had all of this planned before she decided to walk away from the boy. 

But she's always bringing up the boy. She even talks about the situation with strangers! I just found out yesterday that she's still saving up money for him. Yesterday she also bought him a build-a-bear with a message to him with her voice inside. She planned on giving it to the boys uncle so that he can have it on his 5th Birthday in July. She has even asked me on multiple occasions "do you think she'll ever reach out to me?" She claims that the only way she would be back in his life is if the ex would reach out to her personally and already have the fathers rights revoked and the custody papers ready for her to sign.. I listen to her and be a supportive companion to her, but what I don't understand is.. She claims that she's done with the situation, she claims that she's moving forward, that's she's opening up a new chapter in her life with me, but her actions show otherwise. She still has that door open. She still has a false since of hope. She's still saving money for him and buying him sentimental things for his birthday, and is always asking me if her ex will ever come around. And it confuses me.


One moment she's done, the next she shows me that she still have one foot in the door. It makes me scared for our future, because what if she does decide to be back in his life and now I'm stuck dealing with the drama? I'm trying to move forward and she's moving backwards or still stuck in the same place. Even though I disagree with everything she's been doing, I've been supportive but I have not told her how I really felt. 

Honestly, my two main issues with her situation is:

1) The way my girlfriend has been mentally abused and controlled FOR YEARS by her ex when it comes to the little boy. I witnessed some of it myself. There was always stipulations when it came to the boy. Her ex plays games when it comes to custody and now has another women calling him her son. 

2) The drama that that comes with the boy, that I had to constantly be around and go through. Me and my girlfriend almost broke up a few times because the drama was SO EXCESSIVE!!! Now after I was threatened, made it even worse! I have ZERO tolerance anymore. 

So honestly, even if her ex reached out to my girlfriend with custody papers and was serious. I honestly would want no parts of it. Just because there's custody in place, that doesn't mean the "baby mama" drama will be non-existent. And I honestly don't want that for my life.

How should I tell her?

tog redux's picture

 Just tell her - you understand how hard it is to lose this boy, but you aren't feeling as if you can continue to be with her if this crazy ex is going to be part of her life in any way.

Bear in mind, the ex can't just have the father's rights "revoked" and give your GF custody papers. Even if the father wanted to give up his rights, the court would need to be sure that someone wanted to adopt him (and that's even if you are in a state that would allow a same-sex ex-partner to adopt a kid - if any would - some allow a CURRENT same-sex partner to adopt, but an ex one? I don't know how that works even for opposite sex exes).  

OnTheFence92's picture

We live in Nevada. They allow same sex adoption through marriage, I’m not sure how they would go about it with exes. But would I be selfish to tell her that if she decides to be back in the boys life in anyway, that I would want nothing to do with this relationship anymore? I feel as if I’m almost giving her an ultimatum.

tog redux's picture

Selfish? No, I don't think so. Quite frankly, she's living a fantasy if she thinks this crazy ex is ever going to allow her some custody time with this child, or that it won't come with strings attached.  I do get that she loves the boy, but at best, she's going to be always relying on her ex to "grant" her time to see him. 

You are just defining what you can and can't live with - and it's not the boy, it's the ex you can't tolerate. 

OnTheFence92's picture

I eventually spoke to my girlfriend and let her know how I felt. I told her that unfortunately if she was to ever get back involved into his life that I would have to remove myself for various of reasons such as 1) the constant back and forth drama between her and the biological mother and 2) the drama the biological mother and her family picks with me, that comes with my girlfriend being in his life. 

At first she acted as if she understood, until a few days later she told me that she doesn't agree with my decision of me leaving if hypothetically, she is involved in his life again. 
1)She said that if the shoe was on the other foot she would stay with me and help me get through it. 

2)She said that she feels like all couples go through things and no relationship is perfect and everyone comes with some sort of baggage. 

I explained to her that yes that is true, but everyone has dealbreakers and that is mine. And secondly, I told her that the day she decided to stick around and take care of a child that she had no say so when it came to his existence after her ex cheated on her, she voluntarily signed up to go through hell. She had the option to walk away then, she had the option to walk away throughout the course of his life (5years) and she has the option to walk away for good now. Not saying that it would be easy, but if she continues to be in his life, she's voluntarily signing herself up once again for unnecessary drama and headaches. 

I can see if this child was something they both agreed on creating and bringing into this world, then it would automatically always be their responsibility. Then MAYBE I'll think about working with her. But that is not the case. She were suckered into taking care of a child that you had no say so with how his existence came about and she has never had any say so since he was born. She was nothing but a baby sitter and a ATM to her ex. The ex played games for years about granting my girlfriend custody. If my girlfriend didn't want to take her back after her ex cheated or if my girlfriend didn't jump when her ex says jump, she's use the child and the custody situation against her,  by threatening to take him away and by telling her that she changed her mind of giving her custody. 

Recently, she even laughed at my girlfriend when she asked if she could get custody of the kid. And I was there to witness. 

Side note: My girlfriend hate that everyone always brings up the fact of how he got here (infidelity, manipulation and lies) as if that doesn't play a HUGE part in the situation. And my girlfriend always mentions how she cheated on her ex first. Cheating is cheating it was nothing serious or too the extreme. It was all conversation and nothing physical. Compared to the 50 different men and women her ex has cheated on her with. Her ex has brought multiple people into my girlfriends face and into their home and was cheating on her with them. She has done the absolute worst to my girlfriend and for my girlfriend to say she cheated first and not to mention that was her first and last time, makes me feel like she's victim blaming herself. I told her regardless if you cheated or not, your ex was a whore and you were going to be cheated on regardless. Her ex even cheated on her ex to be with my girlfriend. 

Back to what I was saying. The same day that my girlfriend told me that she didn't agree with my decision on leaving if she was to ever be back in the kids life, she told me that she has been talking to her exes mom about the situation. I guess the mom proposed that she would be the middle man, and if my girlfriend wanted to see the kid it could be through her. 
1) NO. Her mom is just as messy.
2) Whose to say how long that'll last before you have to eventually talk to your ex?
3) As long as you have her child, she'll always have access to you! 

Not only is her mom making these proposals, but she's always in my girlfriends ear telling her how much the kid misses her and how much he talks about her. She is even sneaking and sending pictures of him to my girlfriend. You claimed you're moving on, you're done and you cut all ties because you cut him off directly, but honestly you're not and you haven't. You're stagnant. How are you suppose to heal and you're still keeping in contact with the mom and still getting updates about him? 

She claimed that she'd keep us separate if she were to go through her exes mom to see him and it wouldn't effect our relationship, but that's what she promised me before. But somehow I was always the topic of conversation, her ex would bring me  up every chance she got, she would call my girlfriend and ruin our dates with the arguing and drama. She would even go to the extent to blow my phone up if she couldn't get my girlfriend to answer her phone. She has even done uninvited visits to where we lay our heads. Her family has disrespected and threatened me. And that was the last straw in my book.

After you've read all of this, I'm sure you're wondering why my girlfriend doesn't understand why I would have to walk away if she was to ever be back in his life. And it makes me frustrated that she doesn't understand why.

advice.only2's picture

Sounds like your girlfriend could do with some counseling to help her cope with this whole situation.

ESMOD's picture

There is no way in H@LL you should consider having a child with this woman right now. 

She is still emotionally enmeshed with that child that IS NOT HERS.. and is attached to her crazy EX. 

You have not even been with her a year.. much less the SEVERAL years you should be together and committed so that any "next" child isn't brought into the chaos and craptastic behavior of "adults" like this other kid is having to suffer through.

My advice.

For Her.. She needs to face the facts that child isn't hers.. and legally she doesn't have a right to be in that child's life.  Leave the drama behind.

For You... pump the breaks on babyhood.. just get to know your GF (you don't know her in the short time you have been together).. enjoy life.. overcome struggles together.. go on vacation.. meet each other's family.. basically live life together.. decide whether you want a PERMANENT committment and THEN think about whether adding a child or more to the mix is the right thing to do.

Any child you would have now shouldn't come about because she is trying to replace this other child in her heart.

momjeans's picture

How heart wrenching. I think your girlfriend should seek counseling. I also think you two should seek couples counseling in addition to that, if you’re set on making this a long term thing, considering marriage down the road, etcetera. 

BethAnne's picture

I would tell her to get a consultation with a lawyer and see what her options are and what likely outcomes are. If she can do things legaly and get some rights to the child, then that will help to a small extent to limit the ex manipulating her because she will have the backing of the courts. Some states do allow 3 legal parents, I am not sure under what circumstances. If she legally has no way of enforcing any rights then she could try mediation, but it sounds like the ex would just use that to manipulate her further. Another option could be going thgrouh the boy's father and seeing if he would allow her to see the boy on his time. You didn't mention what kind of relationship they have. Finally, if she hears from  a lawyer that she has no legal options, it may help her to move on. A therapist may also be useful. 

As for your relationship, it is something that you two need to discuss openly and honestly and both decide what you want to do with your eyes open. Being a step parent is tough. Being a step parent when your partner has no legal rights to the child would be a whole lot tougher I would imagine. Luckily you have learnt in practice the first lesson when the ex is crazy that it is always best just to ignore them (and lock down social media).

OnTheFence92's picture

When my girlfriends ex cheated and got pregnant by the guy, she ended up being with him for a short amount of time. They lived together etc. The ex even contemplated on raising the boy with the biological dad. But my ex gave her the ultimatum to choose to be with her or the biological dad. And the ex chose to go back to my girlfriend and let her raise him. The biological dad has reached out on many occasions about the child. He even seen pictures of him on her social and asked her about him and wanting to see him. The ex lied and said that my girlfriend adopted him. That’s the last I’ve heard.

Even if she did custody, which is when pigs will fly. That doesn’t cut out of the drama and the safety for myself and future children. I honestly couldn’t bare to stay. 

Lovemylife's picture

Something isn’t adding up. 

Ex is a women? I’m guessing because you used “she” 

You then said she’s in a relationship with the women she cheated with. How did this boy get made? 


Am am I reading this wrong?

OnTheFence92's picture

Im a woman in a relationship with a woman, whose ex is also a woman. My girlfriends ex is now in a relationship with a woman she cheated on her with while they were together. The baby came about because my girlfriends ex cheated on her with some guy. And she decided to let my girlfriend raise the child.

Harry's picture

Your GF is not over her EX.  There still something going on, maybe only in her mind.  This child is nothing to her, as in the law. She has no rights.  I would start to think before going on with this relationship