You are here

HOW SHOULD I TELL HER?

OnTheFence92's picture

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 8 months. But I can't help but to constantly battle between my heart and my common sense. And here is why.... 

Part 1: 
My girlfriend and her ex shared a child together. Mind you, the child is not my girlfriends kid biologically, he was also not planned what so ever. Her ex was a compulsive liar and cheater and the child was made out of infidelity, lies and deceit and my girlfriend decided to stay and take on that responsibility, and for 4 years she did not have LEGAL RIGHTS WHAT SO EVER for the boy. Since the existence of this boy, my girlfriends ex has used the boy as leverage to get what she wants. My girlfriend loves the boy so much, she has, and will do anything and go out of her way for the boy, my girlfriend has done more for the boy more than his biological mom did, she bought him everything, shoes, clothes, toys, including whatever her ex asked of her for the boy, she got it, which in reality there’s really nothing he needed because my girlfriend supplied it all. She even payed out of pocket for his daycare by herself every since he was 2. He didn't want for anything. Knowing how far my girlfriend is willing to go for him, her ex used that to her advantage to get what she wanted out of my girlfriend. If my girlfriend didn't jump when her ex said jump, her ex would threaten to take the boy away from my girlfriend every single time. Mind you the biological father still has rights to the child. My girlfriend ex would always tell my girlfriend that she could get rights of the boy and then change her mind when things don't go her way. Her ex would even say things such as "he doesn't need you and that he’s good with or without you". This has been going on way before me and her got together. My girlfriend stayed in a miserable toxic relationship for years, with the fear that if she doesn’t stay, he will be taken away from her. Not to mention that I would have to sit around and witness and hear the constant drama between the two was driving me NUTS. We couldn't even enjoy our time together without her ex some how ruining it and my girlfriend allowing it. It came to the point where I was mentally becoming drained and ready to let it all go. 

Part 2: 

Me and my girlfriends ex got into it 2 months ago. I also was threatened by her ex's sister. Throughout our whole relationship I have always been target and a factor to my girlfriends ex. She would make fake pages to stalk my social media. She would make up lies telling my girlfriend that someone told her that I use to be a stripper (which is false), she would literally always make me the topic of conversation with lies and accusations. Once she mentioned my kids, I decided that I bit my tongue for far too long. 

Part 3: 

I reached out to her ex, and I addressed the situation like an adult. She took it to the offense that I even texted her and things went left. I still kept myself under control. Her sister decided to write me on Facebook and threatened to harm me. I guess reaching out to someone to resolve an issue is a big problem here? It was a big issue for weeks! So my girlfriend decided that it was best for her to "walk away" from her "son". Her ex got upset because she felt like she was choosing me over him. In all reality, he was the biggest tie to all the drama and manipulation! Honestly it was the best thing for my girlfriend to do, because I was not going to continue to stay around drama that wasn't even mind. It was getting out of control. 

Part 4:

My girlfriends ex, is now in a relationship with a women she cheated on my girlfriend with in the past. Let's call her Tammy. My girlfriends ex, now has Tammy taking care of the boy. They all live together now. Tammy has posted family pictures of them together with Tammy's son. Tammy has also posted the boy on social media, and called him her SON. My girlfriends ex is even going around telling everyone that my girlfriend is not the boys parent. 

Part 5: 

My girlfriend claims that she is done with the situation, claims that she is going to move forward, going to start a new life with me etc.. and we were going to start our own family together etc.. We've been looking up donors for months! I even picked out the engagement ring I wanted and she's been saving up for. We always talk about our future kids and how we'd want our life to be. Mind you, we had all of this planned before she decided to walk away from the boy. 

But she's always bringing up the boy. She even talks about the situation with strangers! I just found out yesterday that she's still saving up money for him. Yesterday she also bought him a build-a-bear with a message to him with her voice inside. She planned on giving it to the boys uncle so that he can have it on his 5th Birthday in July. She has even asked me on multiple occasions "do you think she'll ever reach out to me?" She claims that the only way she would be back in his life is if the ex would reach out to her personally and already have the fathers rights revoked and the custody papers ready for her to sign.. I listen to her and be a supportive companion to her, but what I don't understand is.. She claims that she's done with the situation, she claims that she's moving forward, that's she's opening up a new chapter in her life with me, but her actions show otherwise. She still has that door open. She still has a false since of hope. She's still saving money for him and buying him sentimental things for his birthday, and is always asking me if her ex will ever come around. And it confuses me. One moment she's done, the next she shows me that she still have one foot in the door. It makes me scared for our future, because what if she does decide to be back in his life and now I'm stuck dealing with the drama? I'm trying to move forward and she's moving backwards or still stuck in the same place. Even though I disagree with everything she's been doing, I've been supportive but I have not told her how I really felt. 

Honestly, my two main issues with her situation is:

1) The way my girlfriend has been mentally abused and controlled FOR YEARS by her ex when it comes to the little boy. I witnessed some of it myself. There was always stipulations when it came to the boy. Her ex plays games when it comes to custody and now has another women calling him her son. 

2) The drama that that comes with the boy, that I had to constantly be around and go through. Me and my girlfriend almost broke up a few times because the drama was SO EXCESSIVE!!! Now after I was threatened, made it even worse! I have ZERO tolerance anymore. 

So honestly, even if her ex reached out to my girlfriend with custody papers and was serious. I honestly would want no parts of it. Just because there's custody in place, that doesn't mean the "baby mama" drama will be non-existent. And I honestly don't want that for my life.

How should I tell her?

Aniki's picture

Eight months is a relatively short time for so much drama with a girlfriend. There is no commitment (marriage).

I suggest you sit down and make a list with two columns: Pros and Cons. And I honestly think you should give double points to all of the cons relating to this UNNECESSARY drama with the ex and his child.

OnTheFence92's picture

The ex is a women, btw. Lesbian relationship. But I honestly should just make a pros and cons list. I love my girlfriend and we planned a future together, she’s a really good person and it would hurt me so much if I would have to just leave. But her even entertaining the thought of being back in his life scares me, because of the drama that comes along with him. But sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best thing. 

Aniki's picture

It doesn't matter if the ex is a pansexual lizard. Your gf is WILLINGLY in the middle of excessive drama. She has ZERO rights to that child. Does she know that?? 

Ending a relationship is not always an easy decision to make. Especially when you care for someone. However, I suspect your gf may be drawn to drama. 

OnTheFence92's picture

That’s crazy because I always felt like she willingly put her self through the BS, when she has the choice to walk away and cut all ties. And she wouldn’t be wrong for doing so. But in her mind, that is her child, regardless of how he came into this world, made from lies, deceit and infidelity. She beats herself up about it.

Aniki's picture

Unfortunately, loving a child like your own means nothing to the court system. It is more likely that the court system will be the proverbial knife cutting all ties she has.

If she has done her best for the child, that is the best she can do. It's unlikely their relationship will continue. I'm sorry.

OnTheFence92's picture

I eventually spoke to my girlfriend and let her know how I felt. I told her that unfortunately if she was to ever get back involved into his life that I would have to remove myself for various of reasons such as 1) the constant back and forth drama between her and the biological mother and 2) the drama the biological mother and her family picks with me, that comes with my girlfriend being in his life. 

At first she acted as if she understood, until a few days later she told me that she doesn't agree with my decision of me leaving if hypothetically, she is involved in his life again. 
1)She said that if the shoe was on the other foot she would stay with me and help me get through it. 

2)She said that she feels like all couples go through things and no relationship is perfect and everyone comes with some sort of baggage. 

I explained to her that yes that is true, but everyone has dealbreakers and that is mine. And secondly, I told her that the day she decided to stick around and take care of a child that she had no say so when it came to his existence after her ex cheated on her, she voluntarily signed up to go through hell. She had the option to walk away then, she had the option to walk away throughout the course of his life (5years) and she has the option to walk away for good now. Not saying that it would be easy, but if she continues to be in his life, she's voluntarily signing herself up once again for unnecessary drama and headaches. 

I can see if this child was something they both agreed on creating and bringing into this world, then it would automatically always be their responsibility. Then MAYBE I'll think about working with her. But that is not the case. She were suckered into taking care of a child that you had no say so with how his existence came about and she has never had any say so since he was born. She was nothing but a baby sitter and a ATM to her ex. The ex played games for years about granting my girlfriend custody. If my girlfriend didn't want to take her back after her ex cheated or if my girlfriend didn't jump when her ex says jump, she's use the child and the custody situation against her,  by threatening to take him away and by telling her that she changed her mind of giving her custody. 

Recently, she even laughed at my girlfriend when she asked if she could get custody of the kid. And I was there to witness. 

Side note: My girlfriend hate that everyone always brings up the fact of how he got here (infidelity, manipulation and lies) as if that doesn't play a HUGE part in the situation. And my girlfriend always mentions how she cheated on her ex first. Cheating is cheating it was nothing serious or too the extreme. It was all conversation and nothing physical. Compared to the 50 different men and women her ex has cheated on her with. Her ex has brought multiple people into my girlfriends face and into their home and was cheating on her with them. She has done the absolute worst to my girlfriend and for my girlfriend to say she cheated first and not to mention that was her first and last time, makes me feel like she's victim blaming herself. I told her regardless if you cheated or not, your ex was a whore and you were going to be cheated on regardless. Her ex even cheated on her ex to be with my girlfriend. 

Back to what I was saying. The same day that my girlfriend told me that she didn't agree with my decision on leaving if she was to ever be back in the kids life, she told me that she has been talking to her exes mom about the situation. I guess the mom proposed that she would be the middle man, and if my girlfriend wanted to see the kid it could be through her. 
1) NO. Her mom is just as messy.
2) Whose to say how long that'll last before you have to eventually talk to your ex?
3) As long as you have her child, she'll always have access to you! 

Not only is her mom making these proposals, but she's always in my girlfriends ear telling her how much the kid misses her and how much he talks about her. She is even sneaking and sending pictures of him to my girlfriend. You claimed you're moving on, you're done and you cut all ties because you cut him off directly, but honestly you're not and you haven't. You're stagnant. How are you suppose to heal and you're still keeping in contact with the mom and still getting updates about him? 

She claimed that she'd keep us separate if she were to go through her exes mom to see him and it wouldn't effect our relationship, but that's what she promised me before. But somehow I was always the topic of conversation, her ex would bring me  up every chance she got, she would call my girlfriend and ruin our dates with the arguing and drama. She would even go to the extent to blow my phone up if she couldn't get my girlfriend to answer her phone. She has even done uninvited visits to where we lay our heads. Her family has disrespected and threatened me. And that was the last straw in my book.

After you've read all of this, I'm sure you're wondering why my girlfriend doesn't understand why I would have to walk away if she was to ever be back in his life. And it makes me frustrated that she doesn't understand why.

Notup4it's picture

I’m sure it is hard on her, she gave a lot to this child, was bonded to him and now it is yanked. 

The thing is, I don’t think she will have a choice in the matter (and it looks like the ex has moved on too now).  Your girlfriend is pretty much giving up her life with you for something that won’t exist.

I think what you guys need to do more than anything is get in therapy.  I also don’t think you guys are anywhere close enough to having a baby together— 8 months isn’t long enough to be making these sorts of plans. I think you will be able to work past this issue but she is still grieving about the kid she has lost from her life.... and that might take some time, 

OnTheFence92's picture

I understand that this is hard for her and I keep take that into consideration. I understand that the bond she had with the child was the realest thing out of the lie of a relationship. But I do feel like she’s going to miss out on her blessings while chasing lessons. The child and her ex, was a lesson. 

I definitely suggest therapy. We don’t plan on having kids yet. Maybe sometime next year. But it’s always talked about. 

Notup4it's picture

She very well might view the child as separate from the past relationship (not quite as a lesson, yet).  I also think she is probably having problems with the “sunk cost” she invested emotionally and financially.  I don’t totally think she is drawn to the drama, it most likely is actually about the kid himself- I think a lot of super involved stepparents can even deal with the same problem once their relationship dissolves but they have no access to the kid.  She also was emotionally abused and that takes time to heal from for sure. 

OnTheFence92's picture

I eventually spoke to my girlfriend and let her know how I felt. I told her that unfortunately if she was to ever get back involved into his life that I would have to remove myself for various of reasons such as 1) the constant back and forth drama between her and the biological mother and 2) the drama the biological mother and her family picks with me, that comes with my girlfriend being in his life. 

At first she acted as if she understood, until a few days later she told me that she doesn't agree with my decision of me leaving if hypothetically, she is involved in his life again. 
1)She said that if the shoe was on the other foot she would stay with me and help me get through it. 

2)She said that she feels like all couples go through things and no relationship is perfect and everyone comes with some sort of baggage. 

I explained to her that yes that is true, but everyone has dealbreakers and that is mine. And secondly, I told her that the day she decided to stick around and take care of a child that she had no say so when it came to his existence after her ex cheated on her, she voluntarily signed up to go through hell. She had the option to walk away then, she had the option to walk away throughout the course of his life (5years) and she has the option to walk away for good now. Not saying that it would be easy, but if she continues to be in his life, she's voluntarily signing herself up once again for unnecessary drama and headaches. 

I can see if this child was something they both agreed on creating and bringing into this world, then it would automatically always be their responsibility. Then MAYBE I'll think about working with her. But that is not the case. She were suckered into taking care of a child that you had no say so with how his existence came about and she has never had any say so since he was born. She was nothing but a baby sitter and a ATM to her ex. The ex played games for years about granting my girlfriend custody. If my girlfriend didn't want to take her back after her ex cheated or if my girlfriend didn't jump when her ex says jump, she's use the child and the custody situation against her,  by threatening to take him away and by telling her that she changed her mind of giving her custody. 

Recently, she even laughed at my girlfriend when she asked if she could get custody of the kid. And I was there to witness. 

Side note: My girlfriend hate that everyone always brings up the fact of how he got here (infidelity, manipulation and lies) as if that doesn't play a HUGE part in the situation. And my girlfriend always mentions how she cheated on her ex first. Cheating is cheating it was nothing serious or too the extreme. It was all conversation and nothing physical. Compared to the 50 different men and women her ex has cheated on her with. Her ex has brought multiple people into my girlfriends face and into their home and was cheating on her with them. She has done the absolute worst to my girlfriend and for my girlfriend to say she cheated first and not to mention that was her first and last time, makes me feel like she's victim blaming herself. I told her regardless if you cheated or not, your ex was a whore and you were going to be cheated on regardless. Her ex even cheated on her ex to be with my girlfriend. 

Back to what I was saying. The same day that my girlfriend told me that she didn't agree with my decision on leaving if she was to ever be back in the kids life, she told me that she has been talking to her exes mom about the situation. I guess the mom proposed that she would be the middle man, and if my girlfriend wanted to see the kid it could be through her. 
1) NO. Her mom is just as messy.
2) Whose to say how long that'll last before you have to eventually talk to your ex?
3) As long as you have her child, she'll always have access to you! 

Not only is her mom making these proposals, but she's always in my girlfriends ear telling her how much the kid misses her and how much he talks about her. She is even sneaking and sending pictures of him to my girlfriend. You claimed you're moving on, you're done and you cut all ties because you cut him off directly, but honestly you're not and you haven't. You're stagnant. How are you suppose to heal and you're still keeping in contact with the mom and still getting updates about him? 

She claimed that she'd keep us separate if she were to go through her exes mom to see him and it wouldn't effect our relationship, but that's what she promised me before. But somehow I was always the topic of conversation, her ex would bring me  up every chance she got, she would call my girlfriend and ruin our dates with the arguing and drama. She would even go to the extent to blow my phone up if she couldn't get my girlfriend to answer her phone. She has even done uninvited visits to where we lay our heads. Her family has disrespected and threatened me. And that was the last straw in my book.

After you've read all of this, I'm sure you're wondering why my girlfriend doesn't understand why I would have to walk away if she was to ever be back in his life. And it makes me frustrated that she doesn't understand why.

Thumper's picture

Love isn't enough....

Of course not having her in your life will hurt. Tell her you love her enough to realize YOU staying would be very unfair. Its YOU not her....wish her the very very best.

OP you must be mature enough to make hard decisions especially when kids are involved. Not all things 'feel' good.

I am sorry for the pain ending this relationship may cause you.

ESMOD's picture

There is no way in H@LL you should consider having a child with this woman right now. 

She is still emotionally enmeshed with that child that IS NOT HERS.. and is attached to her crazy EX. 

You have not even been with her a year.. much less the SEVERAL years you should be together and committed so that any "next" child isn't brought into the chaos and craptastic behavior of "adults" like this other kid is having to suffer through.

My advice.

For Her.. She needs to face the facts that child isn't hers.. and legally she doesn't have a right to be in that child's life.  Leave the drama behind.

For You... pump the breaks on babyhood.. just get to know your GF (you don't know her in the short time you have been together).. enjoy life.. overcome struggles together.. go on vacation.. meet each other's family.. basically live life together.. decide whether you want a PERMANENT committment and THEN think about whether adding a child or more to the mix is the right thing to do.

Any child you would have now shouldn't come about because she is trying to replace this other child in her heart.

OnTheFence92's picture

I eventually spoke to my girlfriend and let her know how I felt. I told her that unfortunately if she was to ever get back involved into his life that I would have to remove myself for various of reasons such as 1) the constant back and forth drama between her and the biological mother and 2) the drama the biological mother and her family picks with me, that comes with my girlfriend being in his life. 

At first she acted as if she understood, until a few days later she told me that she doesn't agree with my decision of me leaving if hypothetically, she is involved in his life again. 
1)She said that if the shoe was on the other foot she would stay with me and help me get through it. 

2)She said that she feels like all couples go through things and no relationship is perfect and everyone comes with some sort of baggage. 

I explained to her that yes that is true, but everyone has dealbreakers and that is mine. And secondly, I told her that the day she decided to stick around and take care of a child that she had no say so when it came to his existence after her ex cheated on her, she voluntarily signed up to go through hell. She had the option to walk away then, she had the option to walk away throughout the course of his life (5years) and she has the option to walk away for good now. Not saying that it would be easy, but if she continues to be in his life, she's voluntarily signing herself up once again for unnecessary drama and headaches. 

I can see if this child was something they both agreed on creating and bringing into this world, then it would automatically always be their responsibility. Then MAYBE I'll think about working with her. But that is not the case. She were suckered into taking care of a child that you had no say so with how his existence came about and she has never had any say so since he was born. She was nothing but a baby sitter and a ATM to her ex. The ex played games for years about granting my girlfriend custody. If my girlfriend didn't want to take her back after her ex cheated or if my girlfriend didn't jump when her ex says jump, she's use the child and the custody situation against her,  by threatening to take him away and by telling her that she changed her mind of giving her custody. 

Recently, she even laughed at my girlfriend when she asked if she could get custody of the kid. And I was there to witness. 

Side note: My girlfriend hate that everyone always brings up the fact of how he got here (infidelity, manipulation and lies) as if that doesn't play a HUGE part in the situation. And my girlfriend always mentions how she cheated on her ex first. Cheating is cheating it was nothing serious or too the extreme. It was all conversation and nothing physical. Compared to the 50 different men and women her ex has cheated on her with. Her ex has brought multiple people into my girlfriends face and into their home and was cheating on her with them. She has done the absolute worst to my girlfriend and for my girlfriend to say she cheated first and not to mention that was her first and last time, makes me feel like she's victim blaming herself. I told her regardless if you cheated or not, your ex was a whore and you were going to be cheated on regardless. Her ex even cheated on her ex to be with my girlfriend. 

Back to what I was saying. The same day that my girlfriend told me that she didn't agree with my decision on leaving if she was to ever be back in the kids life, she told me that she has been talking to her exes mom about the situation. I guess the mom proposed that she would be the middle man, and if my girlfriend wanted to see the kid it could be through her. 
1) NO. Her mom is just as messy.
2) Whose to say how long that'll last before you have to eventually talk to your ex?
3) As long as you have her child, she'll always have access to you! 

Not only is her mom making these proposals, but she's always in my girlfriends ear telling her how much the kid misses her and how much he talks about her. She is even sneaking and sending pictures of him to my girlfriend. You claimed you're moving on, you're done and you cut all ties because you cut him off directly, but honestly you're not and you haven't. You're stagnant. How are you suppose to heal and you're still keeping in contact with the mom and still getting updates about him? 

She claimed that she'd keep us separate if she were to go through her exes mom to see him and it wouldn't effect our relationship, but that's what she promised me before. But somehow I was always the topic of conversation, her ex would bring me  up every chance she got, she would call my girlfriend and ruin our dates with the arguing and drama. She would even go to the extent to blow my phone up if she couldn't get my girlfriend to answer her phone. She has even done uninvited visits to where we lay our heads. Her family has disrespected and threatened me. And that was the last straw in my book.

After you've read all of this, I'm sure you're wondering why my girlfriend doesn't understand why I would have to walk away if she was to ever be back in his life. And it makes me frustrated that she doesn't understand why.

Rags's picture

A partner that commits more to their prior relationship child over their  own SO is not a worthy equity life partner.  Regardless of whether or not they are in a same sex or hetero relationship.

Character, or lack of it, does not discriminate based on the flavor of the adult relationship that should be the sole top priority for both partners.  Yes, children are the top relationship responsibility but never take priority over the relationship and the partners to each other.

IMHO your decision has to be ... is this woman capable of putting you first.... always.

OnTheFence92's picture

I eventually spoke to my girlfriend and let her know how I felt. I told her that unfortunately if she was to ever get back involved into his life that I would have to remove myself for various of reasons such as 1) the constant back and forth drama between her and the biological mother and 2) the drama the biological mother and her family picks with me, that comes with my girlfriend being in his life. 

At first she acted as if she understood, until a few days later she told me that she doesn't agree with my decision of me leaving if hypothetically, she is involved in his life again. 
1)She said that if the shoe was on the other foot she would stay with me and help me get through it. 

2)She said that she feels like all couples go through things and no relationship is perfect and everyone comes with some sort of baggage. 

I explained to her that yes that is true, but everyone has dealbreakers and that is mine. And secondly, I told her that the day she decided to stick around and take care of a child that she had no say so when it came to his existence after her ex cheated on her, she voluntarily signed up to go through hell. She had the option to walk away then, she had the option to walk away throughout the course of his life (5years) and she has the option to walk away for good now. Not saying that it would be easy, but if she continues to be in his life, she's voluntarily signing herself up once again for unnecessary drama and headaches. 

I can see if this child was something they both agreed on creating and bringing into this world, then it would automatically always be their responsibility. Then MAYBE I'll think about working with her. But that is not the case. She were suckered into taking care of a child that you had no say so with how his existence came about and she has never had any say so since he was born. She was nothing but a baby sitter and a ATM to her ex. The ex played games for years about granting my girlfriend custody. If my girlfriend didn't want to take her back after her ex cheated or if my girlfriend didn't jump when her ex says jump, she's use the child and the custody situation against her,  by threatening to take him away and by telling her that she changed her mind of giving her custody. 

Recently, she even laughed at my girlfriend when she asked if she could get custody of the kid. And I was there to witness. 

Side note: My girlfriend hate that everyone always brings up the fact of how he got here (infidelity, manipulation and lies) as if that doesn't play a HUGE part in the situation. And my girlfriend always mentions how she cheated on her ex first. Cheating is cheating it was nothing serious or too the extreme. It was all conversation and nothing physical. Compared to the 50 different men and women her ex has cheated on her with. Her ex has brought multiple people into my girlfriends face and into their home and was cheating on her with them. She has done the absolute worst to my girlfriend and for my girlfriend to say she cheated first and not to mention that was her first and last time, makes me feel like she's victim blaming herself. I told her regardless if you cheated or not, your ex was a whore and you were going to be cheated on regardless. Her ex even cheated on her ex to be with my girlfriend. 

Back to what I was saying. The same day that my girlfriend told me that she didn't agree with my decision on leaving if she was to ever be back in the kids life, she told me that she has been talking to her exes mom about the situation. I guess the mom proposed that she would be the middle man, and if my girlfriend wanted to see the kid it could be through her. 
1) NO. Her mom is just as messy.
2) Whose to say how long that'll last before you have to eventually talk to your ex?
3) As long as you have her child, she'll always have access to you! 

Not only is her mom making these proposals, but she's always in my girlfriends ear telling her how much the kid misses her and how much he talks about her. She is even sneaking and sending pictures of him to my girlfriend. You claimed you're moving on, you're done and you cut all ties because you cut him off directly, but honestly you're not and you haven't. You're stagnant. How are you suppose to heal and you're still keeping in contact with the mom and still getting updates about him? 

She claimed that she'd keep us separate if she were to go through her exes mom to see him and it wouldn't effect our relationship, but that's what she promised me before. But somehow I was always the topic of conversation, her ex would bring me  up every chance she got, she would call my girlfriend and ruin our dates with the arguing and drama. She would even go to the extent to blow my phone up if she couldn't get my girlfriend to answer her phone. She has even done uninvited visits to where we lay our heads. Her family has disrespected and threatened me. And that was the last straw in my book.

After you've read all of this, I'm sure you're wondering why my girlfriend doesn't understand why I would have to walk away if she was to ever be back in his life. And it makes me frustrated that she doesn't understand why.

Rags's picture

I am not wondering what your GF is thinking at all.  I get your frustration.  I also get your perpsective that your GF is victim shaming herself.  I could have easily done the same thing when my cavern crotched adulterous whore of an XW was snagging every swinging Johnson within reach during our blessedly shore 2.5 year marriage.   

for a week about 8mos after our wedding I had a live saving passionate lieson with a young woman from my past.   My then bride had iced our relationship from any intimacy for that entire 8mos other than the one evening we were intimate on the last night of our 2wk honeymoon.  She turned me down each and every day for that 8mos.  I made sure she had to turn me down because I was not going let her ignore the issue. I did not know it at the time but she had multiple lovers that she was with regularly during most of our engagement and all of our marriage.

A young woman who had gone to school with my younger brother walked into my business one afternoon and informed me that we had unfinished business. I had not seen her in about 3 years.  We had never been lovers though she had wanted to be.  She was too young and I was not that much of a cad.

I was shocked and had no intention of accepting her proposition and actually intended to set her up with a good friend of mine. She invited me to a party at her home and told me to bring whoever I wanted to. So I took my good friend. There was no party.  She intended for it to just be the two of us.  Long story as short as possible..... my friend left and I spent a week with that beautiful young woman. Though had an amazing week I didn't and don't consier it cheating. I took a life preserver that a lovely person tossed me.  That young woman saved my life. That a desireable woman though of me as desireable when my wife obviously didn't was arguably the greatest gift I had ever received prior to meeting my amazing bride of nearly 25 years.

While your GF may be punishing herself with guilt, I didn't under very similar circumstances.  I think that your prespective is the right one.

I cannot immagine where your GF's head is in all of this.  I also cannot immagine her pain.  I would feel the same if my bride had taken my son (SS) from me during our marriage.   It has to be more difficult for someone in a same sex relationship who "had" a partner with their child then that partner denied them their own child.

Moving on is the best thing for your IMHO.

Take care of you.

1wonder woman's picture

I feel for you...seriously I do... I know it is not an easy thing to do to sit back and witness someone that you love be so controlled and manipulated by someone to the point this person is doing this on purpose to cause nothing but pain and drama in your lives. It is toxic!! It is like the other person is a VAMPIRE they are sucking the happiness right out of your life daily and sadly the person you love allows the VAMPIRE to continue to suck the happiness right out of your lives... not fun I know...been there done that not fun... it is exhausting to say the least. I think she needs to cut all ties with this kid and her ex and she needs to start all over with you. Nothing will ever change in her life not until she makes the choice to make the necessary changes in her life one being cut all of the ties that connect her to the VAMPIRE and when she is brave enough and strong enough to disconnect from the VAMPIRE the pain will END the VAMPIRE will not have anymore power over her life...you guys will become happier... Her choices effect you too... may they be good or bad choices... but you too have a choice! 

May I suggest you getting two pieces of paper... now make a I LOVE list..... write down the many things that you love about your SO... write down the things that she has done in the past that makes you love her even more the things that bring you joy and happiness.  Next you write down a list of all of things that are causing you PAIN... things she has done or things that she has said... things that have went down that's brought you pain and suffering.  Now if the list of PAIN... out weighs the list of LOVE that you have for this person that tells you it would be in your best interest to just walk away and let her go... Unless she is willing to make the necessary changes in her life so she can remain in your life... Your happiness should be her top priority and her happiness should be your top priority too... Sometimes we must learn to compromise too... Good luck...

Good luck... sounds like your SO is having a hard time of letting go in order to keep you in her life... 

OnTheFence92's picture

I eventually spoke to my girlfriend and let her know how I felt. I told her that unfortunately if she was to ever get back involved into his life that I would have to remove myself for various of reasons such as 1) the constant back and forth drama between her and the biological mother and 2) the drama the biological mother and her family picks with me, that comes with my girlfriend being in his life. 

At first she acted as if she understood, until a few days later she told me that she doesn't agree with my decision of me leaving if hypothetically, she is involved in his life again. 
1)She said that if the shoe was on the other foot she would stay with me and help me get through it. 

2)She said that she feels like all couples go through things and no relationship is perfect and everyone comes with some sort of baggage. 

I explained to her that yes that is true, but everyone has dealbreakers and that is mine. And secondly, I told her that the day she decided to stick around and take care of a child that she had no say so when it came to his existence after her ex cheated on her, she voluntarily signed up to go through hell. She had the option to walk away then, she had the option to walk away throughout the course of his life (5years) and she has the option to walk away for good now. Not saying that it would be easy, but if she continues to be in his life, she's voluntarily signing herself up once again for unnecessary drama and headaches. 

I can see if this child was something they both agreed on creating and bringing into this world, then it would automatically always be their responsibility. Then MAYBE I'll think about working with her. But that is not the case. She were suckered into taking care of a child that you had no say so with how his existence came about and she has never had any say so since he was born. She was nothing but a baby sitter and a ATM to her ex. The ex played games for years about granting my girlfriend custody. If my girlfriend didn't want to take her back after her ex cheated or if my girlfriend didn't jump when her ex says jump, she's use the child and the custody situation against her,  by threatening to take him away and by telling her that she changed her mind of giving her custody. 

Recently, she even laughed at my girlfriend when she asked if she could get custody of the kid. And I was there to witness. 

Side note: My girlfriend hate that everyone always brings up the fact of how he got here (infidelity, manipulation and lies) as if that doesn't play a HUGE part in the situation. And my girlfriend always mentions how she cheated on her ex first. Cheating is cheating it was nothing serious or too the extreme. It was all conversation and nothing physical. Compared to the 50 different men and women her ex has cheated on her with. Her ex has brought multiple people into my girlfriends face and into their home and was cheating on her with them. She has done the absolute worst to my girlfriend and for my girlfriend to say she cheated first and not to mention that was her first and last time, makes me feel like she's victim blaming herself. I told her regardless if you cheated or not, your ex was a whore and you were going to be cheated on regardless. Her ex even cheated on her ex to be with my girlfriend. 

Back to what I was saying. The same day that my girlfriend told me that she didn't agree with my decision on leaving if she was to ever be back in the kids life, she told me that she has been talking to her exes mom about the situation. I guess the mom proposed that she would be the middle man, and if my girlfriend wanted to see the kid it could be through her. 
1) NO. Her mom is just as messy.
2) Whose to say how long that'll last before you have to eventually talk to your ex?
3) As long as you have her child, she'll always have access to you! 

Not only is her mom making these proposals, but she's always in my girlfriends ear telling her how much the kid misses her and how much he talks about her. She is even sneaking and sending pictures of him to my girlfriend. You claimed you're moving on, you're done and you cut all ties because you cut him off directly, but honestly you're not and you haven't. You're stagnant. How are you suppose to heal and you're still keeping in contact with the mom and still getting updates about him? 

She claimed that she'd keep us separate if she were to go through her exes mom to see him and it wouldn't effect our relationship, but that's what she promised me before. But somehow I was always the topic of conversation, her ex would bring me  up every chance she got, she would call my girlfriend and ruin our dates with the arguing and drama. She would even go to the extent to blow my phone up if she couldn't get my girlfriend to answer her phone. She has even done uninvited visits to where we lay our heads. Her family has disrespected and threatened me. And that was the last straw in my book.

After you've read all of this, I'm sure you're wondering why my girlfriend doesn't understand why I would have to walk away if she was to ever be back in his life. And it makes me frustrated that she doesn't understand why.

bananaseedo's picture

Way too much drama...and I could be totally naive but from my personal experiences lesbian relationships seem mostly extremelly dysfunctional, toxic, abusive or drama filled.  Our bm is bi-she married DH because preggo ....then when married started carrying on with women. After they divorced- In/out of multiple extremelly volatile crazy drama filled relationships.   Women in/out of sd's life with police involved in EVERY single one. DOmestic violence, etc...  Then she got tired of that and went for a guy she met in rehab whilst married to her ex-wife....(the ONLY half decent one from the bunch)- they got together, in/out of meth/rehabs, lost custody of SD.  Her husband and her still break-up get together about....I don't know dozen times a year at least?  There are again, police records, domestic abuse, he went to jail for beating her, on and on....

Granted our bm is a dysfunctional friggin nut case....but of course 'picture perfect bm on fb'-   Maybe I'm tainted....and bm is just one of many I've personally seen....so I'm not sure WHAT the deal is-if dynamics between those relationships are just bound for more problems.

I've honestly always wondered how two adult women can ever co-exist...they always say there's only one queen of the home...adult women can't even get along with FAMILY to live with, mom, sisters, daughters, etc....I cannot fathom all the love in the world making me tolerate living with another woman.   Maybe this is a root cause of a lot of issues.  I do know from domestic abuse classes I was in after leaving my exh that domestic abuse is statistically quite high in these relationships.  Maybe some will see this is bigoted...but honestly I'm more curious because these dynamics seem to play out a lot from what I see IRL and even the relationships described on these boards.

I say find yourself someone else w/out all the drama...there is enough in relationships to deal with w/out all this added nonsense that just brings you down.

StephenJ14's picture

Shit, I thought I had it rough with ex drama. The child isn't even hers and your going through a lot man. Time to get on bumble and move on.