HOW SHOULD I TELL HER?
I've been with my girlfriend for almost 8 months. But I can't help but to constantly battle between my heart and my common sense. And here is why....
My girlfriend and her ex shared a child together. Mind you, the child is not my girlfriends kid biologically, he was also not planned what so ever. Her ex was a compulsive liar and cheater and the child was made out of infidelity, lies and deceit and my girlfriend decided to stay and take on that responsibility, and for 4 years she did not have LEGAL RIGHTS WHAT SO EVER for the boy. Since the existence of this boy, my girlfriends ex has used the boy as leverage to get what she wants. My girlfriend loves the boy so much, she has, and will do anything and go out of her way for the boy, my girlfriend has done more for the boy more than his biological mom did, she bought him everything, shoes, clothes, toys, including whatever her ex asked of her for the boy, she got it, which in reality there’s really nothing he needed because my girlfriend supplied it all. She even payed out of pocket for his daycare by herself every since he was 2. He didn't want for anything. Knowing how far my girlfriend is willing to go for him, her ex used that to her advantage to get what she wanted out of my girlfriend. If my girlfriend didn't jump when her ex said jump, her ex would threaten to take the boy away from my girlfriend every single time. Mind you the biological father still has rights to the child. My girlfriend ex would always tell my girlfriend that she could get rights of the boy and then change her mind when things don't go her way. Her ex would even say things such as "he doesn't need you and that he’s good with or without you". This has been going on way before me and her got together. My girlfriend stayed in a miserable toxic relationship for years, with the fear that if she doesn’t stay, he will be taken away from her. Not to mention that I would have to sit around and witness and hear the constant drama between the two was driving me NUTS. We couldn't even enjoy our time together without her ex some how ruining it and my girlfriend allowing it. It came to the point where I was mentally becoming drained and ready to let it all go.
Me and my girlfriends ex got into it 2 months ago. I also was threatened by her ex's sister. Throughout our whole relationship I have always been target and a factor to my girlfriends ex. She would make fake pages to stalk my social media. She would make up lies telling my girlfriend that someone told her that I use to be a stripper (which is false), she would literally always make me the topic of conversation with lies and accusations. Once she mentioned my kids, I decided that I bit my tongue for far too long.
I reached out to her ex, and I addressed the situation like an adult. She took it to the offense that I even texted her and things went left. I still kept myself under control. Her sister decided to write me on Facebook and threatened to harm me. I guess reaching out to someone to resolve an issue is a big problem here? It was a big issue for weeks! So my girlfriend decided that it was best for her to "walk away" from her "son". Her ex got upset because she felt like she was choosing me over him. In all reality, he was the biggest tie to all the drama and manipulation! Honestly it was the best thing for my girlfriend to do, because I was not going to continue to stay around drama that wasn't even mind. It was getting out of control.
My girlfriends ex, is now in a relationship with a women she cheated on my girlfriend with in the past. Let's call her Tammy. My girlfriends ex, now has Tammy taking care of the boy. They all live together now. Tammy has posted family pictures of them together with Tammy's son. Tammy has also posted the boy on social media, and called him her SON. My girlfriends ex is even going around telling everyone that my girlfriend is not the boys parent.
My girlfriend claims that she is done with the situation, claims that she is going to move forward, going to start a new life with me etc.. and we were going to start our own family together etc.. We've been looking up donors for months! I even picked out the engagement ring I wanted and she's been saving up for. We always talk about our future kids and how we'd want our life to be. Mind you, we had all of this planned before she decided to walk away from the boy.
But she's always bringing up the boy. She even talks about the situation with strangers! I just found out yesterday that she's still saving up money for him. Yesterday she also bought him a build-a-bear with a message to him with her voice inside. She planned on giving it to the boys uncle so that he can have it on his 5th Birthday in July. She has even asked me on multiple occasions "do you think she'll ever reach out to me?" She claims that the only way she would be back in his life is if the ex would reach out to her personally and already have the fathers rights revoked and the custody papers ready for her to sign.. I listen to her and be a supportive companion to her, but what I don't understand is.. She claims that she's done with the situation, she claims that she's moving forward, that's she's opening up a new chapter in her life with me, but her actions show otherwise. She still has that door open. She still has a false since of hope. She's still saving money for him and buying him sentimental things for his birthday, and is always asking me if her ex will ever come around. And it confuses me. One moment she's done, the next she shows me that she still have one foot in the door. It makes me scared for our future, because what if she does decide to be back in his life and now I'm stuck dealing with the drama? I'm trying to move forward and she's moving backwards or still stuck in the same place. Even though I disagree with everything she's been doing, I've been supportive but I have not told her how I really felt.
Honestly, my two main issues with her situation is:
1) The way my girlfriend has been mentally abused and controlled FOR YEARS by her ex when it comes to the little boy. I witnessed some of it myself. There was always stipulations when it came to the boy. Her ex plays games when it comes to custody and now has another women calling him her son.
2) The drama that that comes with the boy, that I had to constantly be around and go through. Me and my girlfriend almost broke up a few times because the drama was SO EXCESSIVE!!! Now after I was threatened, made it even worse! I have ZERO tolerance anymore.
So honestly, even if her ex reached out to my girlfriend with custody papers and was serious. I honestly would want no parts of it. Just because there's custody in place, that doesn't mean the "baby mama" drama will be non-existent. And I honestly don't want that for my life.
How should I tell her?