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Never dated anyone with kids and...

OnTheFence92's picture

This is my first time and I’m not too fond of it. I am 26 and my girlfriend is 27. She is currently in the process of going through a divorce with her ex-wife. They are separated. I have kids, both girls ages 3 and 8. My girlfriend has a 4 year old son. BUT the boy isn’t hers biologically.


Quick background story: Her ex-wife, well girlfriend at the time, was a compulsive cheater and left her and got pregnant by some guy. They were in a lesbian relationship and were seeking sperm donors, my now-girlfriends ex-wife introduced her to this guy and recommend him as a donor for their baby and my now-girlfriend declined because she felt he was “slow” and was mentally off. So, shortly down the line, the ex-wife cheated and left my now-girlfriend for the potential sperm donor and got pregnant. While she was 6 weeks pregnant my now-girlfriend took her back with open arms and moved her back in and took care of her during her whole pregnancy. Stupid, I know! But the things you do for love. I asked her why, because if it was me, I would’ve never took her back and she would’ve been left to deal with that on her own.. She claims it’s because she felt like that was suppose to be her child. *rolls eyes*. But yet she has no legal rights to him, she’s been planning on adopting him. Whatever. Anyway. My girlfriend has been in this boys life since he was born, took care of him, raised him, paid for everything, daycare, medical bills etc...


My problem is, he is spoiled ROTTEN! If he doesn’t get his way, he’ll fall out and throw a tantrum, in public, in private, it doesn’t even matter. There are times where he doesn’t even want to walk and would cry for my girlfriend to pick him up or do things for him a 4 year old is capable of doing, he wines like CRAZY! He’s hard headed and clingy. He’ll be 5 in July and he doesn’t even know how to speak properly, he doesn’t say full sentences or words, I can barely understand him and he’s behind on his milestones. They believe that he has some of the characteristics of his biological father. Or autism. Which I mentioned earlier. Every time he sees me and my girlfriend too close or kissing he screams “no” repeatedly as he runs up to us and tries to push us apart and reaches up to her for his to pick her up. Some times she’ll tell him stop but most times she won’t say anything and ignore him. Which I feel is enabling his behavior. 


Me and my girlfriend has been together long enough for him to be use to it by now. She has him 5 days out of the week, so I’m around a lot. At first it was cute, but now it’s becomkng an eye rolling and irritating situation! How should I come to her about the issue? I’m trying to give it a little bit more time because from my understanding, he has never seen my girlfriend with anyone beside his biological mom. I understand that dating someone with kids, it comes with baggage, kids will be kids, but some kids... are just non tolerable and that’s the reason why I stayed away from people with children. Because you’ll never know what you’ll get. It’s a lot to take on. She claims he’s spoiled and have “the only child’s syndrome”. Well fix it! My girls are well behaved and their behavior is not out of order like my girlfriends son and she even admitted that he’s a handful and has never seen kids act as he does. When we take all our kids out together, he’s the only acting up, throwing tantrums and crying all the time and my girls just took at him crazy and side ways. Even my newly 3 year old behaves better than him.


I probably would feel a tiny bit better if the situation on how he got here was different. Or maybe even if he was adopted by her. We have talked about having kids together in the future, but I cannottttt if his behavior doesn’t change. He can’t even accept me or cause a tantrum when I get too close or kiss his mother, imagine if she has another baby and the attention isn’t fully on him. I’m on the verge or resentment and I don’t want to get to that route. Any advice? 

OnTheFence92's picture

Also, he’s very overly obnoxious and dramatic. He’ll do things like be clumsy or playing and will legit fall down lightly and do one of those cries where nothing comes out at first and run to my girlfriend. And I feel like it’s just to get her attention, because she’ll hold him and console him as a parent should... but we both knows that he’s dramatic. 

markwvualum's picture

I'm just curious are you a man or a woman? Not that it matters just asking. My best advice to you is run. I know it's easier said than done but stuff like this usually doe snot get better. It gets worse with time. If your gf and her ex do not want to parent/discipline their child then there is nothing you can do. It only gets worse.

LosingHerShit's picture

I've been with DH 2 years in july and it just gets worse and worse, if the problems aren't forcefully and consistently addressed then nothing will ever get better. I feel your pain. My stepson is a monster and I can't stand the kid, I'd chuck him down an alleyway and run if I could...

OnTheFence92's picture

I’m not the kind of person who will let a problem drag. I’m giving room for errors and time because it’s all sorta new still, 4 months, but eventually, im going to voice my opinion and if it doesn’t change soon then we cannot progress any further. that means no moving in together, no marriage, no having kids and we can only see each other when her kid isn’t around. But then again that’s ridiculous, that’s basically wasting my time because I do want a family and marriage. 

OnTheFence92's picture

I’m a woman also. I’m Bisexual and this is my first relationship with a woman. She disciplines him, but isn’t consistent and yells more than anything. She gives in easily most of the time. There are times when she had to repeatedly tell him to or not to do something and he would literally look her in the eyes in continually do it. I so badly want to put my input but I know it’s not my place. She talks about moving in together and I try to put it off and say “it’s something we can talk about in the future.” But honestly I don’t even know if I can fathom being in the same household permanently as him. 

caitlinj's picture

Unless you want your life to become miserable and a living hell I would definitely not move in anytime soon. In fact I would run fast and far away from this relationship because she does not know how to parent. This is a disaster waiting to happen. I know from experience first hand what happens when parents "parent" like this. The kids get worse and turn out to be entitled disrespectful teenagers with too many problems to count. Many do not move out and are still living at home in their mid to late 20's and beyond because they do not mature emotionally and cannot do anything for themselves. They do not know how to function in society as adults, will quit jobs, get into trouble with the law, become lazy, unmotivated, etc. And guess who will be footing the bill for him and also paying with your sanity? YOU!  Time to let this one go if you want a peaceful home life. I might add you have two very young children yourself. Blended familieis are so complicated. Have you considered finding someone who does not have kids?

susanm's picture

She is setting herself up for a world of pain.  The child has questionable genetics, for some reason the bio-mother is pawning the child off on her 5 days a week, he is poorly behaved and she is unable to parent him well, and she has no legal rights to him which is almost guaranteed to become a source of drama down the line.  Basically a Movie of the Week waiting to be lived out.  If she wants to trash her life because of a poor previous romantic choice that is on her but I don't know why you would want to stick around for it.  There are a lot of other women out there with less crazy baggage.  You only have 4 months put in.  I would extricate myself from the situation.

OnTheFence92's picture

“She is setting herself up for a world of pain.  The child has questionable genetics, for some reason the bio-mother is pawning the child off on her 5 days a week, he is poorly behaved and she is unable to parent him well, and she has no legal rights to him which is almost guaranteed to become a source of drama down the line.“

It’s like you’re in my head lol and that list alone plus the baby mama drama, which is a wholeeee different story, that is enough to make any normal person walk away or reconsider. Her not having legal rights plays a part in it to. The bio-mom one day considers letting my girlfriend adopt him, then when she’s mad and doesn’t get her way, she’s saying my girlfriend can’t. Plus it’s going to take my girlfriend a few thousand dollars to adopt because she has to get the bio-dad to sign over his rights. So who knows with that. 


“If she wants to trash her life because of a poor previous romantic choice that is on her but I don't know why you would want to stick around for it.”

And honestly that’s how I put it. You basically ruined your life for something that’s giving you nothing but heartache and hardship. I can see if it was her biological child. But it’s not. So I ask, Was it really worth it? Now you’re suffering from the consequences of your choices you had an option to run from. It’s effecting your life and your future. She honestly HAS the option to put an end to it and leave and start over. But I could never ever ask that of her. I would never ask her to choose me over him. Would I like to see the boy and the mom disappear, yeah. But I wouldn’t ask or even mention it lol because I can see how much she care about him. She sacrificed her own and put up a lot for him. And those words came out of her own mouth.

markwvualum's picture

What is your situation with your ex? (The father of your kids) is he still around and in the picture? What is his story and how often does he see your kids?

OnTheFence92's picture

the father of my kids have been in prison for over 2 years. He got released from prison October 2018. Before he went to prison he was a drug dealer. Although his choices were poor and landed him in prison, he was a good father and provider. He’s still in our kids lives. We haven’t been together in over 2 years. There’s no beef, no arguments, we co-parent and are civil. Which I can’t say for my girlfriend and her ex. It’s a disaster on their end. 

markwvualum's picture

It’s my experience that most people lack boundaries with their exes (the person they had children with). This is often destructive to the current relationship. Even if little is said about it it usually leads to the relationships demise over time. Been there, done that.