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When is enough enough?

Fedup225's picture

Ive been with my fiancé four years, he’s a good man, he’s a good SD to my kids. For some reason he won’t step up and tell his XW to back off. She is always in our business. Future endeavors, my children, my work life, scheduling. She is there and I’m tired and hurt because I’ve become a broken record asking him to have boundaries but in reality Im suppose to just suck it up. ALSO He doesn’t discipline his kids (7&9) consistently, which is almost worse then not at all, because they know his threats are just that. My 7yr old SS has major behavioral issues, at our house, at the BM and at school and it’s blamed on a divorce that happened when the SS was 2. I’ve asked him to speak with him and to enforce rules but just like with XW it’s never done, it gives me a huge amount of anxiety and I feel extremely removed. I attempted to speak with him again about the matter and his response to me was “Why talk you’ll just be miserable anyway” what he seems to forget is he’s the root of it. So when do you know if a relationship is worth salvagingor it’s time to walk away. 

ndc's picture

I'd say you know it's not worth salvaging when your SO responds "Why talk you'll just be miserable anyway" when you want to speak to him.  If you can't have honest adult communication when there are issues, what's the point?

sunshinex's picture

Communication is vital for a healthy relationship. If you can't talk about issues and genuinely try to make each other happy, there's no point being together. My husband does some idiotic things, but upon discussing it, he works to fix whatever said idiotic thing is/avoid doing it again. When you love someone, you try to make them happy.

icanteven's picture

I went through a lot of these things, and my only regret is not walking away when it would have been less complicated than it is now. If you can get yourself out of there, you should. My husband is the same way. I have stories all day of ways his ex-wife overstepped common decency, and I think no one ever forgets how hurtful it is when their partner will not stand up for them and tell the ex to back up. I am a forgiving person mostly, but have a hard time with this part. No loving person should allow their ex to run over the person they say they love and expect that person to allow it also.

It does not get better with the kids. You have four years there. Think about how it was four years ago and how it is now. Is it worse? I think probably it is. For most of us, this is true. You know the trends. You see that he is not willing to do the things needed to make it better. He is lazy. He wants what my husband wants, a doormat who will put up with his ridiculous life and pretend we like it. Many of them want this.

marblefawn's picture

You're smart to recognize he is the problem more than the skids.

You're at a do or die place and he needs to know you're there, if you haven't already told him. Maybe if he knows you're thinking of walking, he will step up. But I'd give him one more chance before ending it. That way you know you were very clear and he didn't rise to the occasion. Be gentle but firm, tell him exactly how you want him to fix it, make your expectations clear. If nothing changes, you'll have no regrets if you walk.

Saying "you'll be miserable anyway" is BS. Imagine when you're married how many things he could say that about rather than addressing anything. Call him on this when you have the gentle conversation about him dealing with his skids. It's really unfair for him to say that -- but I think a lot of men pull this so they don't have to work on the relationship.

If he tries to deal with the issues, even just a little, acknowledge it and encourage him to do more. But if he doesn't do anything, there's your snapshot of the rest of your life.

As for the BM, I don't think he's in a position to change anything. She's a grown woman and he can't tell her what to do. He could maybe try to keep info from her a little more, but as long as there are skids, she will know your business.

Good luck! And don't ever let him pull that "you'll be miserable anyway" act on you again. It's not reality.