Spoilt child - spoilt teenager!
I would love some advice on my situation please. First of all, let me provide you with a little back ground.
My fiancé and I have been going out for about 18 months. He is a wonderful compassionate person but I have a strong reservation about our marriage. He has a seven year old daughter. He split from his ex-wife four years ago because she ran up thousands of dollars on credit cards and then proceeded to try to recoup the money by playing poker machines (she’s a psychologist with a gambling habit – scary huh?) Long story short. They lost $150,000 to pay off her debt before she threw him out and vilified him.
The SD was two when they split. She is very smart, strong willed, clinging and manipulative. She controls both parents, through tears and guilt. She spends most of her time with the BM. The BM provides no boundaries and gives in constantly to SD and buys her off and promises her whatever she wants (think Veruca Salt). SD has developed a strong sense of entitlement already – just like her dodgy mother. The scary thing is, my fiancé feels guilty about the divorce and competes with his ex. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy and won’t set boundaries either. We have very different ideas on parenting and it makes me cringe the way he gives into her whining and tears when she doesn’t get her own way and the way he back peddles when he does discipline her. She ignores both of us when we speak to her and she lies, playing one parent off against the other to get what she wants. She doesn’t share and she doesn’t even have the courtesy to say good bye when she leaves my house. I feel sidelined like a can’t discipline her. It makes me angry when she demands things and he gives in. He wants to have children with me but I’m worried about the future. SD consumes so much of his attention and time I may as well not be there – would my children be sidelined too? What is SD going to be like when she’s a teenager??
We don’t have SD for very much time to it’s okay at the moment but he’s told me a number of times that he can see SD coming to live with him (he doesn’t say us) when she is a teen, then he can discipline her. I’m like ‘Are you freakin’ kidding? – You’ll decipline her when she’s a teenager??!! ” Here’s a seven year old controlling two adults and me by default. I absolutely cringe at the thought of what she is going to be like as a teenager. Even his mother and sister think she’s a spoilt brat. I’ve told him my concerns and his response is flippant – ‘ha ha yes – you’ll be the evil step mother’ He’s not normally insensitive – he just doesn’t understand yet.
He has taken SD over to Europe and the US including side trips to Disney Land and to visit his family. He asked me to come, but I knew it would be a living nightmare, so I declined. I haven’t even heard from him for two weeks and I guess I have time to think while he’s away. I just don’t want to have to pay for someone else’s mistake. I’m worried that he and I will get married, buy a house, have children and then five years down the track the whole thing becomes a nightmare… am I over reacting? Please let me know what you think because I don't know anyone else who has been in this situation?