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Spoilt child - spoilt teenager!

Miss J's picture

I would love some advice on my situation please. First of all, let me provide you with a little back ground.
My fiancé and I have been going out for about 18 months. He is a wonderful compassionate person but I have a strong reservation about our marriage. He has a seven year old daughter. He split from his ex-wife four years ago because she ran up thousands of dollars on credit cards and then proceeded to try to recoup the money by playing poker machines (she’s a psychologist with a gambling habit – scary huh?) Long story short. They lost $150,000 to pay off her debt before she threw him out and vilified him.

The SD was two when they split. She is very smart, strong willed, clinging and manipulative. She controls both parents, through tears and guilt. She spends most of her time with the BM. The BM provides no boundaries and gives in constantly to SD and buys her off and promises her whatever she wants (think Veruca Salt). SD has developed a strong sense of entitlement already – just like her dodgy mother. The scary thing is, my fiancé feels guilty about the divorce and competes with his ex. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy and won’t set boundaries either. We have very different ideas on parenting and it makes me cringe the way he gives into her whining and tears when she doesn’t get her own way and the way he back peddles when he does discipline her. She ignores both of us when we speak to her and she lies, playing one parent off against the other to get what she wants. She doesn’t share and she doesn’t even have the courtesy to say good bye when she leaves my house. I feel sidelined like a can’t discipline her. It makes me angry when she demands things and he gives in. He wants to have children with me but I’m worried about the future. SD consumes so much of his attention and time I may as well not be there – would my children be sidelined too? What is SD going to be like when she’s a teenager??

We don’t have SD for very much time to it’s okay at the moment but he’s told me a number of times that he can see SD coming to live with him (he doesn’t say us) when she is a teen, then he can discipline her. I’m like ‘Are you freakin’ kidding? – You’ll decipline her when she’s a teenager??!! ” Here’s a seven year old controlling two adults and me by default. I absolutely cringe at the thought of what she is going to be like as a teenager. Even his mother and sister think she’s a spoilt brat. I’ve told him my concerns and his response is flippant – ‘ha ha yes – you’ll be the evil step mother’ He’s not normally insensitive – he just doesn’t understand yet.

He has taken SD over to Europe and the US including side trips to Disney Land and to visit his family. He asked me to come, but I knew it would be a living nightmare, so I declined. I haven’t even heard from him for two weeks and I guess I have time to think while he’s away. I just don’t want to have to pay for someone else’s mistake. I’m worried that he and I will get married, buy a house, have children and then five years down the track the whole thing becomes a nightmare… am I over reacting? Please let me know what you think because I don't know anyone else who has been in this situation?

Eyes Wide Open's picture

Honey, if she's got this much control now, just wait until she's a teenager, and then an adult! I received the adult version and got a full dose of her! She's rude, disrespectful, lazy, and expects everything handed to her. DH doesn't see any of this as she's his "little princess". I've got news for him, she's been a lot of men's "little princess"...sigh...

Run for the hills while you still can!

Quyjye's picture

Miss J:
You haven't seen anything yet. When you get married to this man and SD7, things will get worse and when SD7 becomes a teenager it gets even worse. And when SD7 turns 18 you will be paying for her college education and things get even worse
That's where I am now and I only see things getting worse. You won't have any authority so get use to being used. Like Finey says check out the forums on this site. It's nothing like T.V.

Miss J's picture

Thanks for your feedback everyone. I really appreciate your thoughts.

IS1988 thankyou for you input too. What you've described sounds soul destoying and exactly what I fear is going to happen in my life if I go ahead with this. It's just not worth it.

simifan's picture

I wholeheartedly agree, even for those of us without guilty Daddy issues Stepmotherhood is hard. BM will interfere in your relationship & attempt to control your time and more then likely will control your finances. If your having issues now, maybe you want more time to make this decision & certainly need rules of acceptable behavior and consequences. SD will almost certainly become worse after you marry.

pashiense's picture

I've been a SM for 13 yrs; SD is 17. I have a bio son with HD. It's been a rocky marriage at times. HD babies SD way too much. She's never worked a job & doesn't have a driver license yet. She is way too dependent! I say get out of that relationship while you still can. Are you childless? If so, there are men out there without children. That's what I should've opted for - a childless man. The only good thing that came out of my marriage with my HD is our 7-year old son. I could never stand SD17. She's spoiled & lazy. I want her to go away to college already but HD is giving her the option to live at home while going to college locally! Skids don't go away anytime soon, I'm warning you. If you're having reservations about getting married to this man with THIS child; you must be onto something. If my marriage doesn't work out, I will not seriously involve myself with a man or make him a step dad for my son. I would rather remain single. After all, I see what step-parents go through!

primrose's picture

pashiense,reading your post,i felt like i have written it, same here,16yrs SD spoiled,lazy and lie,I'm living it, so that Lady better run if she needs peace of mind....SD are hell send!.