How do you feel it is "his fault" that you can't have a "first family". You also have a child, so even if you met a never been married man, with no children, and got married, etc - you would still have a "non-traditional" relationship. Would you be upset if that man felt like you do? Would you regret your child because the child was causing you to not have a "first family"?

Why do you feel you can't have a wedding or decide to have children with him? You CAN do both. 

How long have you been agonizing with this? I feel like maybe you have spent so much time focused on not being a "first family" and all of the related issues in your research that it has perhaps overwhelmed you? I think that you should talk to a therapist to help you gain some clarity and help with the overwhelmed feelings you are having, before you irreparably damage your relationship. I hope this isn't coming off as snarky - it 100% is not meant that way! 

Not what you do not have.  I agree with PP, you may want professional help.  

 I’m a third wife and I didn’t experience one moment of that. 

At the risk of sounding dismissive - get over it. You are going to throw away the best partner you’ve ever had because of romantic fantasies? How many men do you think you will meet at 37 who have never been married before? (There are some, for sure). And you have a child yourself, so you already chose to take a different path than that traditional “firsts” with the love of your life. 

I think you are scared to commit and using this as an excuse.  I’d suggest you find a good therapist and sort this out. 

I empathize with some of what you're saying... I've had a few serious relationships with divorced men (one had a child) and could never quite get beyond the resentment of being the 'second' and not getting the full courtship experience, so I stopped dating guys in that situation. Here's a big difference: I have no kids and have never been married. If you live in a city, being single at 37 shouldn't be a major impediment to meeting guys without baggage or a younger guy, but you need to consider whether guys with no baggage will want to get tied down with someone who has a child and whether that guy will make a good SD to your child. Honestly, you seem more worked up over his divorce, but I think kids are bigger baggage than divorce. Scroll through STalk and you'll see countless examples of people dealing with Skids telling the childless people of all ages to run.

If you are in love with this guy and he is great to your child, please consider working through some of this with a therapist to see if you can enjoy what you have. I would never suggest anyone settle or be unhappy, but if everything else is great, it seems ridiculous to be so upset about him having baggage when you have your own.

Quit reading the internet and find a therapist. This is something you need to talk out with someone who can help you work through it. If this man and his child are as great as you say, why break up because you can't let go of his past? Get some help to get over it.

I am wondering why you say you can never marry him or have another child. Is that something you have discussed?

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic but you are being totally unrealistic.
Unless this man is your first relationship, you have had "firsts" with someone else in the past.
Getting involved with someone who has a child brings a whole host of its own problems.
You are not a "first" for him either because you already have a child.

Honestly, it is your choice to get involved in this relationship.
If you want firsts, then find someone childless who was never married.
Expecting your SO to be this for you is your own issue, not his.

You chose this.
You are choosing to wallow in this mindset.
You are choosing to focus on things you never had in the first place and crying over that imagined loss.
You should focus on what you have  and decide if you want it, instead of focussing on what you do have don't have and never will have with this person.
Focus on what you do want and can control.
Instead, it is like deliberately shooting yourself in the foot and then crying over how painful it is.
 

Your SO had all these 1sts with someone else.  How did that work out for him?  He’s divorced and now with a partner that is apparently fixated on all the wrong things rather than being in a fully loving relationship.

Firsts are the practice rounds, the imperfect beta versions. You have the opportunity to be the first time he gets it right.  But you are the one ruining things all by your lonesome, by being overly fixated on silly Disney notions of life. 

You are 37.  Time to pull on your big girl pants, get yourself into therapy, and try to figure out why you are sabotaging yourself.  Maybe this is truly the wrong relationship for you.  That’s fine, we all delude ourselves at one time or another.  But frankly, unless you Figure out why you are doing this, I doubt you’ll be happy in any adult romantic relationship, because at 37, as others have pointed out, most people have already lived a bit.

You sound like an overall lovely person.  Don’t let fantasies ruin your reality.

have a wedding or give him a child, I take it he does not want to get remarried or have more children? If that is the case, it sounds like to me you two want different things and it is not just about not being first, but about not being able to have the future you have wanted. 

I agree with everyone else, you already weren't going to have the traditional family since you decided to have a child the non traditional nuclear family route. I understand that certain things upset you that you will not be his first because I will not be the first person my boyfriend marries or has a child with either. However, it sounds like he is trying by pointing out things that will are both of your firsts. 

The age of both of you, it is hard to find someone who has not experienced milestone firsts with someone else. From the sound of your post you sound (understandably) resentful that he chose to marry and have children with someone who was not you right after being in a relationship with you. I would talk to a therapist, but if you can't forgive him for chosing a different path all those years ago and not being able to experience these milestone firsts with, then it is just going to continue to go downhill from here. You are kind of self sabotaging yourself because you knew all this from the very beginning, it is not new news. 

I get it. I had to tell husband to stop ever mentioning his wedding (mentioned when we would talk about something wedding related not him bringing it up) because we didn’t have one and it’s always devastated me. I finally said how much it hurts me to hear about his lovely wedding when I had to get married in a court house alone. 

The reason you are getting so many "godsmack" responses to your post is because - YOU want to focus on the negative and not the positive.  It's a "poor me" attitude that is difficult to find empathy for. You're a victim of your own mind.

This is your brain (possibly in the throes of depression) on this negative hamster wheel of self-pity. It's in a "loop feed" of "I will never have firsts." Find a good therapist asap who can give you active tools to change your thinking. It's called neuroplasticity - you CAN form new positive thoughts that will allow you to flip the switch from self-absorbed thinking to life-enhancing gratitude. 

It seems that you are having difficulty processing that idealistic, romanticized, fantasy thinking that society sells to young women as soon as they're old enough to be lulled into princess thinking. Love is not about firsts. At 37 (with a bio child of your own), you need to move past that hurt little girl.  There are women, in far worse situations, weathering what life brings with realistic reslience because they have found the core of self love.

You may destroy this relationship and move on. BUT...you will continue to bring this "first" point of view into the next one until you do the work on yourself. What lies underneath is your ability to LOVE YOURSELF. You're looking to the outside actions of others to fill a hole in your heart and basing the value of yourself on ridiculous place card thinking.  "First" does not equate the value of the human/woman you are - figure that out and you'll be happier no matter what life brings.  No man on this planet can make a woman happy if she cannot find that seed of self love within herself.  This is frustrating to your man...he can't fix it so what choice do you leave him? 

Why focus on the firsts you won't have?

Why not all the firsts you will or have had?

I can say we have experienced more firsts together than I can count. First time visiting a new city. First time trying a new food. First holiday traditions together. And the list goes on.

I know it's easier said than done but you need to forget about the past. There is a reason why it's in the past, it's done.

I am getting married again and totally embracing the 2nd time around thing. I'm buying 2nd hand EVERYTHING for the wedding. (Well, not food...but you know...). I love what another commenter said about imperfect betas being the first time around. There is another way to look at this and it will make you happier if you do. 

I am childless, unable to have my own, or I would be in your situation. I do get the "second hand blues" evey now and then, but when I am hugging his sweet little 12 yo, or hes looking at me with love in his eyes, it all melts away somehow. I totally also get the whole "pass over" thing. That leads to insecurity. Totally. I can relate. DH was still boinking ex, when he told me they were separated and fighting all the time and despised each other, and this a month before we started a monogomous relationship. I work HARD not to let it eat me up inside and sometimes I give in to that negative feedback loop.

Therapy will help with these intense feelings you have. I myself have been looking as well, exploring ways to change my "stinky thinking". It does take time and a LOT of internal work on self. What that means, its different for all of us.

Hope I dont sound too harsh.

DH and I married after 4 years together. He cried, and he said he didnt cry at the first one. He said ours was far and away the BEST EVER WEDDING. We eloped, we wanted to save money and not get into debt, we are getting ready to buy a house together, this month. It was a GORGEOUS wedding, in a forest, sun shining and much love.

Something I read here that sticks with me - "I may not be his FIRST but Im his BEST". You may not have been the FIRST choice but you are the BEST choice. Try to stop with the self-inflicted misery...for your child and yourself.

And keep us posted.

He rejected you back in college and he's rejecting you now by giving you hope and stringing you along. He "intends" to do nothing of the sort like getting remarried or having another child.  You'll do for him because you are willing to settle for the left overs of his former life.  If his ex wanted him back you can bet you'd be dumped again and he'd run back to her.  

You've already had your own first pregnancy and first baby daddy. For him you're his first rebound filling in the gaps his ex left open.  Your post screams desperation and disassociation from reality. 

Expectations can really get in the way of a good relationship. There are a couple things you said in your post that concerned me. Most of all was the fact that you had dated your current boyfriend many years ago. It made me think of seeing and hearing about my current husband's life before we met. He is not the same person now that he was 30 years ago. Neither am I. No one is. People change a lot especially when you look at a person in their twenties compared to their forties or fifties. I'm fairly sure that if we had met in our twenties we would have not gotten together.

So when you say you got back together with an old boyfriend, it raised some red flags for me. It sounds like you had the expectation of picking up where you left off. At the same time, when you use terms like fairytale Prince or Prince Charming, you are seeing him through Rose Colored Glasses. Although it sounds like he's a great guy, unless there's something you are not telling us, so I'm not sure why you feel like sloppy seconds which so many step parents experience.

You seem to have some fantasy about first marriages resulting in a fairytale romance etcetera etcetera. The reality is it just doesn't exist. I really admire you for being so in touch with your feelings and understanding that you are grieving now. This is a very real feeling and is getting in the way of your relationship. I too went through something like that and it took me a while to realize what I was feeling, because I'm not very good at that. Going to a codependency group helped me with that a lot. You might consider trying it and seeing if that would be right for you. But I definitely also agree with the others suggestions to see a therapist.  You have asked how to find one, and I don't have any real good suggestions, other than maybe to see if any acquaintances could recommend one if you're comfortable asking, or just see if you can find somebody who is experienced with step family, grief, and or codependency issues.

I fear for the survival of your relationship. Can you take a good look at yourself and your behaviors  and attitudes  concerning your relationship and ask yourself if that has anything to do with why your boyfriend is hesitant to consider marriage?

 Edited to correct typos

I think you have some legitimate concerns/complaints which you've tried to minimize or rationalize away.  You say his ex-wife and he have more contact than you think is required and you've also identified that your SO is not gung-ho to marry you nor have a child with you - things that YOU want.  

While some say this may be your problem with having rose-colored glasses on, maybe the reality is that now, after more than 2 years, you are actually taking OFF the glasses and starting to see with clarity that this situation and relationship isn't all it's cracked up to be.  Your gut instinct may be telling you that and you are trying to rationalize it away because this was the man who "got away" from you once.  I do agree with others who say that this is not the same guy (nor are you the same) as 15 years ago.  The river of life moves on and you can't step in the same water as before.  

The fact of the matter may be that this may not be the right man for you.  He doesn't want to marry you, doesn't want to have more kids with you, is overly involved with his ex BUT is happy to live with you and use your resources (money) to have what he wants/needs - i.e. buy a house.  He also does not have to deal with any issues related to your son's father which makes his life easier than compared to a woman who also brings an ex-spouse into the situation.  

Your son is attached emotionally to this man yet his daughter is "usually" good with you.   This "usually" good 10 year old girl will soon be entering her difficult teen years and will place further strain on your relationship.  In the meantime, you son will attach to this man and when the girl enters her jealousy phase with her father, be prepared for your son to become the brunt of her focus.  Your first priority should always be the welfare of your son - be careful who you let him give his heart away to.   I don't think this man is worthy of it.  

I don't think you need a therapist - I think you need someone who will give you insights into your relationship's future - but only once you honestly describe and identify what the challenges are.   I don't think this guy is a good match for you.  He is still (and may always be) focused on his ex-wife and his own daughter.   What do your family/friends think about your relationship?  Have you talked to those closest to you - in an honest way - about the issues that are bothering you?  Ask for their opinions and be open to what they have to say.  

I hate to say it - but IMO you are simply a comfortable and compliant means to an end - which is making his domestic/sexual/financial life easier.  He knows you were crazy in love with him in the past, are crazy about him now, and is capitalizing on that.   That may be why you are unhappy/critical - deep down you know this is true.   He isn't bound to you by genuine love, but by practicality. 

Don't sell yourself short.  You are worth so much more. 

I think your feelings are a bit natural in grieving the “firsts” you missed out on. Lots of people want that fairy tale life! 

But, I think it’s important to take time to recognize what you are feeling—it’s not necessarily a get over it kind of feeling for everyone—so just realize there’s nothing “wrong” with you or selfish of you for feeling that way. 

Now it’s time to find the strategies to “deal with it,” so to speak. It sounds like you have a wonderful partner, regardless if he’s your first or fiftieth. It also sounds like you have a lot of love and support in your life, which is what we all want. However, we all have skeletons in our closet too, which makes nobody’s story a complete fairy tale! Just because you may have missed out on “firsts” doesn’t mean your life isn’t complete and exactly what it’s meant to be. 

Have you ever heard the song “Bless the Broken Road” by Rascal Flatts? I think it definitely addresses that while your husband may have had a past before you, and you before him, all of your experiences were just stepping stones leading to the each other. That song has helped me too when I’ve felt similar to you. 

Dont dwell on that kind of thinking, it’ll consume you and you’ll keep seeing in black and white instead of the beautiful colors around you! I stressed about it my whole first pregnancy, and got induced early because of stress. Not good for my son I’m sure, but also for me!! Stress is a horrible thing, and it wasn’t until I stopped worrying all the time about being second-choice, my partner already having the been there done that attitude, etc, that I realized none of that even matters! I need to live for me, because there is no restart button! Sure, sometimes I get days where ugly feelings creep up, but get up and do something!! Get your mind off it, and you’ll realize how trivial those feelings actually are in impacting your life over time. 

You are making “firsts” always, every day. Keep creating them and leave the past where it should be. Good luck! 

You are supposed to understand all there problems. But they never can see yours.  I all always felt as in your case.  Your DH has this picture in his mind of his Happy Family,  wife, kids, house with the white picket fence the 1 1/2 dogs.   When his first marriage went up in flames, it’s like uninsert wife, insert you. And happy family continues.

They play down thing as they were not important,  Big wedding not important. But you know deep down it was. Because you can not recreate it. No one is going to pay thousand of dollars for a second wedding for you. Alone time to play with other, Not important, But when they had the chance They played a lot.  But because of kids ,that can not be recreated. 

Just no understanding on there part, them not trying to make it up any other way. 

Keep in mind that feelings and emotion do not solve problems. You would be better served to engage your intellect and focus on the life that you have.  All that you are focused on and allowing to ruin your relationship is the past.  You can't change it. So why let it ruin your today and your tomorrow.

He is right btw.  You are ruining a good thing with a completely irrational emotional embracing of a past.  You took away a firsts of having a child with him no less than he did.  He had moved on to another relationship.  So why did you have a child with someone else if you were and are so hell bent on firsts with this guy.

Every morning  you have with him is a first.  Every evening you have with him is a first.  Every moment that you make a life together is a first.  Quit letting historic crap ruin your life and his.

His history is not your loss.  So quit making a life together all about you.  Though you attempt to tie this to his past it is all about you and your selfish need to be the "first".

I would normally recommend that people in difficult relationship situations assess if their partner is worthy of being their equity life partner.  In your case, that assessment needs to be done by your SO.  You are not demonstrating that you are worthy of hims.

So... if you want the rest of your life of firsts with this man to continue, pull your head out of your ass, engage your brain and grow up. Quit pouting and please quit making your decisions with emotion and start using your intellect.  

You are ruining your life, his life, his child's life and your own child's life with this crap. He can change this for he and his child if he pulls the plug on this relationship.  Only you have the control to stop ruing your life and the life of your own child with your selfish irrational bullshit.

I grieved the loss of what I expected from my first marriage.  I did not expect my first wife to be an adulterous cavern crotched whore.  Though, alas, she was exactly that.  I did not grieve her departure however.   That was a good riddance moment and a great blessing. 

I did not let that experience or my past ruin the nearly 25 years of amazing I have had with the woman I met 3 years after my divorce was final.  She already had a child.  I did not allow that missed first ruin our life together.  I never gave it a thought.  Sure, would it have been amazing if we had had my SS-26 together? Absolutely but... the facts of that history are if I had been my SS-26's bio dad I would have gone to prison.  So... no first loss there. Prison is a first I intend to never experience.

I can't even count the firsts that my bride and I have had together and how many more we will have together.  Every day we have the day's first kiss, every day we have the days first I love you. Every day we take the next first step forward in our lives together.  There is not one thing in her past or mine that I would tolerate to interfere in our continuous firsts.

You and you alone own this situation. Only you can fix it.  If you have not done irrecoverable damage to the relationship already.

Good luck.

Just my thoughts of course.