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Roller Coaster, part II

Irene H.'s picture

SS15 has been in trouble, almost his whole life. From about third grade on, he’s been routinely kicked out of class, kicked off the bus, lost friendships because people don’t want their kids around him, and wreaked havoc at home. Some of his issues are probably genetic (he’s adopted, was born addicted to alcohol and drugs, etc). Some of his issues are partly due to his parents’ inability to deal with him. But truthfully, I don’t believe he’s salvageable. He seems hell bent on being as awful as possible, nothing is ever his fault or responsibility, and I don’t think he truly loves anyone or anything. Every teacher he’s ever had, has had it in for him, and picked on him. He has two ways of interacting with people: manipulation and bullying. If he can’t con a person into giving him what he wants, or abuse them into submission, he hates them. In truth, by employing just those two tactics, he usually gets his way in almost everything, everywhere he goes. Many attempts have been made to teach him right from wrong. Church hasn’t worked (he says he worships the devil, but I think that might be him just trying to get a rise out of people), multiple counselors haven’t worked, a variety of disciplinary tactics haven’t worked, positive reinforcement hasn’t worked, etc.

Things came to a head at the end of the last school year, when he was caught selling pot and oxy at school. As has happened many times before, his punishment was ridiculously light. Seven felonies earned him one year of probation, with 40 hours of community service, a curfew, and monthly scheduled drug testing. Had he been an adult, he would’ve faced a minimum of nine years in prison. And he brags about how he “snowed” the court into thinking he’s a nice kid, who just made a mistake, and how much his probation officer likes him.

He did get expelled from school. This was after the school had graduated him to the next grade twice, despite the fact that this extremely smart kid was failing multiple classes. When he was expelled, he was failing three classes. Of course, it’s not because he doesn’t do his work, but because multiple teachers (like, all of them) have lost his homework that he swears he turned in, or failed to enter his grades, because they don’t like him. Also when he was expelled, we learned he’d had detention dozens of times in junior high and his freshman year of high school, with neither him nor the school ever having told us.

So now he gets bussed to the continuation school. There are a whopping three kids in his class, incuding him, because they have the worst kids segregated from the rest. They share a single teacher. He is doing better getting his work done, but that’s the only improvement. He doesn’t get along with anyone at school, and again has a supposed monster for a teacher. Basically, this school is used to dealing with kids like him, so his only two methods on interacting with other humans, aren’t working. We made it less than a month into the school year, and he got kicked off the bus for an incident that was (of course) not his fault. It was supposed to last a week, but he talked his way back onto the bus in a few days. The first day he was back on the bus, he has a blowout with the teacher and the other two students in his class, because they all ganged up on him. When his father tried to talk to him about it, SS15 started screaming and cussing at his dad. His dad told SS15 not to talk to him like that, and he shoved his dad. His dad grabbed his arms and held him down, until he stopped trying to attack, and when his dad let him go, SS15 ran away.

Then the calls with the ex started. She was reaming us for the whole thing, and actually said she didn’t believe us, as much as she did SS15. She’s out of town for training right now, so SS15 supposedly went to a friend’s house, though neither one of them would tell us who the friend is, or where they are.  His dad said he was going to call probation to report SS15 as a runaway, since part of his light sentence involves the parents supervising him. (I still think he should’ve made the call, but no one listened to me). The ex said she was taking responsibility for SS15, immediately, and we didn’t have to be concerned with being responsible for him, anymore. That escalated into SS15 now living with her full time, because she’s tired of having to “deal with it,” every time we get him “worked up.” 

Im really hoping she means it. I’m tired of our house being a war zone, every time he’s here. I’m tired of her causing problems in our house, through him. Our house was so peaceful last night, and the other two kids were chatting and laughing in a way the never do, when he’s here. We’ve noticed before, that they act much better when he’s not around. It’s almost like they’re afraid to talk or get along with us, in his presence. But I’m betting she’ll be back peddling within the next few days, and we’ll have I’m back for our next regular rotation. Hoping his dad sticks to his guns, and makes her keep her word. Last night’s physical altercation was not as bad as it could have been, but it does not bode well for things to come. I don’t want my BF to go to jail, for defending himself.

And by the way, as white trash/Jerry Springer as this all sounds, I swear we’re almost normal. We’re just a little overwhelmed by all this.


tog redux's picture

Perfect, let BM take him full-time. She will not set any limits on him and he will end up in jail by 18, if not in juvenile detention sooner.

He sounds like he has Conduct Disorder and there isn't much you can do for him at this point. I hope DH will agree to let BM have him full-time.

ndc's picture

Your boyfriend needs to rush to court and get the full-time at BM's house court ordered ASAP, before she comes to her senses and changes her mind.

Seriously, living with the chaos that is SS15 is crazy.  It's bad for you, it's bad for your relationship, it sounds like it's not particularly good for the other kids.  It doesn't seem like this kid is going to turn around.  If his mother has figured out how to handle him (even if it's by letting him do whatever he wants, being lenient about dealing drugs and violence, and having no rules or chores), let her.  It's not in the child's best interest, but what your boyfriend is doing doesn't seem to be working either, so maybe it just doesn't matter.   

Harry's picture

There is nothing you can do for this kid but get him help.   Let BM deal with him, before he goes to jail,  you mus disengage from all of him and his actions 

advice.only2's picture

I hope your SO deciding not to call the probation officer doesn't come back and bite him in the a$$ later.

Well let BM deal with her feral teenage son who will no doubt beat the crap out of her and run off when she does something he doesn't like.

Sounds like the kid is on a short road to prison.

SteppedOut's picture

Dang... honestly, I would have a very very difficult time living with this. In fact, I don't think I could. You must be exhausted by all of this. Hopefully, bm will keep ss. I agree with PP - get to court and make it official. 

Ispofacto's picture

If SS ever puts his hands on anyone, the police need to be called immediately from now on.