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Time Flies – Things Change

I Think I Am's picture

Both OSS & YSS have had recent birthdays, they are now OSS17 & YSS15, time flies. The older they get the more I think about what is to come as opposed to what is happening now. The present is obviously still important & there are things that happen often that SO & I still work on but a lot of these things feel insignificant now. I find myself focusing on future thoughts instead. For example, something that has always bothered me is the fact that SO & BM have a schedule but choose to swap & change willy-nilly, without thinking of others (her DH is used to the chaos & doesn’t seem to care – I’m not & do care). I’ve always requested that I be asked but the best I’ve ever been able to achieve is being told (getting a heads up in advance). These days, this still irks me but I don’t care as much because the older they get, the more the schedule changes revolve around SS’s social lives & less around BM’s social life (which I have more tolerance for). So, time goes on, things change.

This year, OSS isn’t returning to school, the school year aligns with the calendar year here so kids have recently returned for the year. His teachers basically said he won’t cope with the senior school workload & not to re-enroll him. When OSS is interested in a topic, he’s intense & obsessive, he has this amazing ability to retain information but when he isn’t interested he isn’t interested & naps in class. He is high-functioning autistic & BM has always used this as an excuse for everything. He beaks something in anger? Don’t tell him off – he’s autistic! So help me. SO gets annoyed at her but I’m not convinced he’s ever done enough to change the narrative. OSS has instead been enrolled in a part-time 6mnth course in an area of interest. It’s an area he enjoys (I’m trying not to be too specific) so I’m hopeful he will like it but there are problems with this plan. He’s a very young 17yr old (been babied since forever). He hasn’t ever caught public transport in his life & he’s going to need it to get to & from. No job will come from this. It’s part-time & when he isn’t attending class, there is no expectation he will work & after the 6mnth period is over, I’m not confident he’ll continue studying anything at all.

In the meantime, SO will still pay CS for him, as he is a minor. I don’t know if he could move to change that now that he’s left school but I know SO, he won’t, which is his choice & fine by me (not my money). This child will be dependent forever, I just feel it, so I have asked SO to confirm that he will not be paying for any adults kids once CS stops. He said ‘of course’ like it was a given but the fact I needed to ask means it’s not that obvious. I also want to ask about adult kids moving in with us once the gravy train stops because I fear this is in my future. I don’t know how to approach this tactfully. These are the ‘future’ conversations that concern me more than the ‘present’ annoyances.


JRI's picture

I'm 77 and have been thru it all with 5 kids, 3 SKs and 2 bios, they're all in their 50s and 60s now.  The good news is that the older they get, the more they're wound up in their own lives, as it should be.  The bad news is that if we expect it to all be over at some magic age, like 18,  that doesn't happen.

We went thru innumerable events when ours were late teens and in their twenties: high school, technical school, college, jobs, army, marriages, babies.   Each of ours except one have moved back at least once and SD moved back 3 or 4 times.  If we think there's a linear path, like go to school, move out, get a job and live happily ever after, that didnt happen here.  We saw lots of starts, stops, change directions, fail, start again.  I guess it's nature's way.

You're right, things change.  We are on the roller coaster of life.  Good luck.


I Think I Am's picture

Thank you for the luck, I'll take it, I think I'm going to need it :) I'm not okay with either of the boys coming to live with us FT once CS stops, after SO has repeatedly pitched 50/50 & BM repeatedly knocked it down, as she didn't want CS to change. In the meantime, she's 'raised' kids that are going to struggle in adulthood, her failure in that department cannot be my problem. I know I sound harsh, I'm not completely inflexible, OSS is welcome to continue with the visitation schedule along with YSS even after he ages out if he so chooses. I know SO would like that. I just need to figure out how best to have these discussions with SO. I don't know how you did it, with such a busy household, the ebbs & flows can be so tricky to navigate. 

JRI's picture

We never really discussed the kids moving back.  DH has always liked the feeling he could offer his kids shelter since he didn't receive thst type of support in his own family.  So, if one of his kids asked, he said yes and never discussed it with me.  But, I did the same for my bios and I have to say he was as welcoming to mine as he was to his own.

This has changed now since SD60's last disastrous stay, I told him if he ever lets her move in again, I'll leave him.  We also said no when my GD wanted to move in as she, BF and dog relocated.  He feels we did our thing for our kids but the GKs are their parent's problem.  DS and wife will be here for several months this summer when DIL has an operation.  He has also offered by DD and hubby shelter as they sell their house and relocate altho I doubt she will do it.

So, long story short, DH's open door policy prevailed for a long time but nowadays, its on a case-by-case basis.  

ESMOD's picture

You have a 17 yo that will not complete high school and has autisim issues.. I think someone needs to be proactive and discuss what this means post 18 for the boy.  I mean, I doubt his dad will be ok with kicking his son out and ceasing to help his child.  I know mom is a factor too.. but between the two of them.. it sounds like there will be ongoing support needed for this kid.  If he won't go to school.. is he getting help to make him independant.. life skills training.. job training?  if his parents aren't addressing this.. I would have no hope he will not be an issue past his 18th birthday.  His dad can say no support.. but the reality is, this kid isn't set up to fly the nest is he?  

So, your DH says he won't.  you need to press him on this.  Ask him what he thinks his son will do at 18 with no education.  no life skills.. a condition that is going to limit his ability to function in society.  Specifics.. and plans.. you need to make him give you those.. you have less than a year for this to get figured out.. it's already "too late" really.. but he needs to get on this issue now.

CLove's picture

Plans that need to be discussed but rarely are. I would broach it clearly and without emotion tied to it.

Like "Hey SO, once OSS graduates and turns 18, wont it be great to see him succeed at a job and then his own place?" I doubt that SO will bring it up on his own - its too easy to get so caught up in the here and now, than look to the future.

SD22 Feral Forger failed to launch, and has moved out of her mothers apartment a number of times and tried to move back into our house a number of times (the answer is always a no). She still has no drivers license (a necessity here) and barely workedin the past. Now shes moved away (again we will see how long its going to last, it never does) and gone no contact (again), and its for the best...

SD15.5 claims she "really wants a job", but "it cant be too hard" and "only after school I want the weekends for myself", and "not during the summer". LOL. Shes been babied and coddled her whole life, so I hope for the best for her. 

Good for you for thinking of the future.

ESMOD's picture

I would be even more clear than that.

DH, have you and your ex talked about what OSS will do once he turns 18.  I'm worried because without a HS diploma and his other issues, he is going to find it very difficult to live independantly.  I think you and your EX need to work on a plan with him that will give him the best chance of a successful launch into independant adulthood.  I don't think this is something that is going to work itself out by everyone just "hoping for the best".  I don't want us to be faced with having to house him and support him when he turns 18, but struggle to see what his future will hold if he doesn't have better plans and direction now.