You are here

Any stay at home dads? Advice on talking to DH about staying home with SD.

completely overwhelmed's picture

I wondered if anyone had any experience with being a stay at home dad or any advice about talking to guys about being a stay at home dad.

I’ve posted a few times before and SD’s behavior and attitude have continued to get worse. She has a long list of diagnoses (ADHD, ODD, Depression, Anxiety, Sensory Processing Disorder) but none of them are in the severe category. It’s the type of things that most kids can be functional with, except her. Medication is not working. The best way to describe the problem is she’s simply stop trying and given up. She doesn’t care about school or friends or family or really anything.

Her BM is not in the pictures. It’s just my DH and he’s overwhelmed dealing with her. I don’t know how to even approach him about staying home full time with SD. I don’t think he would want to do it, but I’m afraid I’m going to be forced into a situation where I have to do that.

DH works in construction and his current job site is well over an hour away – some times longer depending on traffic. He leaves for work before 7am and frequently isn’t home until after 7pm. He can’t leave and take SD to appointments and his boss is getting fed up with his taking time off for a “sick” kid because it’s causing delays completing the project.

I work part-time but I’ve been picking up extra shifts filling in for a coworker who is on maternity leave. I’m under-employed and could easily get a better full-time job that earns far more money. I have my mom and sister in the area who help with child care for BD who’s 4. DH isn’t from this area and has no extended family within 1000 miles of us.

The major question is insurance and that’s the whole reason DH is so afraid of losing his job or pissing off his boss by calling in sick and getting fired. The insurance situation isn’t great, but it’s better than nothing. I know people on here have suggested that we’d be better off if we were low income and could qualify for state programs. Right now our total household income is too much to qualify. I have no idea how insurance coverage would work if DH quit his job, but maybe then we could get state resources.

There are so many appointments and problems. For example, her school wants her to have a hearing test because she frequently ignores teachers and counselors and acts like she can’t hear them. DH had to take time off work to do that last month, but she refused to participate with the hearing test and it was a huge waste of time and we still don’t have answers about why she is acting like she is and if there might be something physically wrong – not just all mental. The school isn’t accepting the results since they were inconclusive so they want her to go back to the audiologist again and that means DH has to take another day off of work or I have to take her. So I’m going to have to take time off work to do that and she’ll probably still not cooperate. DH keeps getting emails from school about issues and he looks like a terrible parent because he doesn't have time to follow-up with them or do all the things they want him to do.

There are a long list of other thing we could be doing to try to help SD. If this was my bio kid, I would be moving mountains trying to find something or someone who could help her. But DH doesn’t have the time. I’m the one who mostly takes her to appointments, but now my time is becoming limited since I’m working more.

DH would like her to go to more therapy and anything else that might help – but there simply isn’t time. He’s gone during the work day and gets home exhausted after 7pm most nights. Getting appointments during the evenings or weekends is difficult.

He’s having to make choices between doing things with SD or BD and things around the house. We had a roof leak recently that took up a lot of his time. BD is the one losing out the most on time with her daddy. And DH is losing patience so quickly with SD and I wouldn’t really call the time he spends with her “quality time” or at all enjoyable for either of them.

Then there’s the whole issue with school – she was essentially expelled from the alternative school she was at but they can’t completely expel from the district due to her disabilities so she’s now in a special needs program. DH really hoped she could graduate from high school and go to college, but at this point she’s in a class with kids with severe disabilities. It’s not a good environment.

The best solution would be her being home schooled and having a stay-at-home parent who could completely focus on figuring out how to help her. I don’t want that to be me. I honestly need break from dealing with her for at least 6-8 hours while she’s at school and I’m at work.

DH’s entire self-image and identity is based around his job. He would be lost without it but what other options do we have?

completely overwhelmed's picture

I've tried to find some sort of assistance, but there really isn't. If she was more seriously developmentally disabled, there would be more help, but in terms of just mental health - nope. We aren't low income. I tried to find someone who we could even pay to come and help. If she had a physical disability or something like Down syndrome, it would be no problem, but a kid with mental illness and past suicidal incidents - no one is even willing to come and help if we pay them.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Your last paragraph says it all - I don't see your DH quitting his job. Is there any way he can get a job closer to home? Or could he go to 10 hours a day 4 days a week? Maybe work part time for a while? Health insurance is a legitimate concern as well.

(I know it depends on the state, but in my state the insurance exchange for the Affordable Care Act offers policies that are reasonably priced. The cut off for help from that state is higher than one would think. You might check that out.)

If you both work full time would you be able to afford to hire some help? I realize that wouldn't help with getting SD to doctors and such, but it would give you a break. Given her issues it seems like getting her in the right school setting would be more helpful than keeping her at home. Who would do the homeschooling?

You have my sympathy, you are in a difficult position.

completely overwhelmed's picture

Hours are set by the project schedule and generally daylight hours, Monday thru Friday. I wish he could find something closer, but he has specialized skills that thankfully pay well, but there aren't that many jobs that are closer.

I wasn't sure what would happen with Obamacare, but now it seems like it's going to stay, so I'll do more research.

As for hiring someone, I've called multiple companies trying to find someone who could come in and specifically deal with SD and it's not something any of them want to deal with due to her past hospitalizations for suicidal thoughts. These are the type of companies who usually help the elderly or the disabled. Finding anyone who can deal with SD is more complicated.

I'm not sure how home schooling works. I think there's some online programs she could do, but the problem is getting her to actually do them. DH would be better than me at that, but it would probably involve lots of constant yelling.

ESMOD's picture

I think the first thing that you should do is find yourself a full time job with benefits. Then, the issue of him needing benefits from HIS job goes away right? (you can cover your family and SD as well on a family plan).

Once you have established that you are capable of taking a bigger role in providing for the household, you give your DH the ability to scale back so that he is more available for his child. Perhaps HE could transition to a more part time situation if you prove that you have the ability to financially support your household?

completely overwhelmed's picture

His mom lives out of state and is divorced. She and SD aren't close. She's from a different country and culture and isn't used to kids not immediately doing what they are told. DH has said if he did what SD does growing up, his mother would have beat him senseless. She doesn't understand the psychological conditions SD has or would be able to deal with all the appointments or home school. Her English is okay but it's not her strong suit. I don't think SD speaks more than 10 words of her grandmother's native language.