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And another question: SD christmas gifts to me are MIA

Imastep's picture

Another question: Am I wrong to think that after 18 years, my 24yr old SD could give me an xmas gift or a BD card or something? Every year on xmas I make sure she has gifts along with our younger DD. We all open gifts together and the past few years SD has given DH and DD a small gift but nothing for me. Last year, for the first time at xmas, she gave me a tube of mascara. Thats the ONLY  gifts that she's ever given me over the years. I've given her BD and xmas gifts every year, also a very nice HS graduation gift (the gifts were from both DH and I, but I made them happen). So this year we were opening xmas gifts and she announces that she has ordered a gift for DH and younger DD on Amazon, and that it will be arriving in a few weeks (how thoughtful of her to think ahead! Not. ). Then she turns to me and says "I didn't get you anything, nothing jumped out at me". Hmmmm. This is a 24 year old who works part time and goes to college. Oh also I/DH pay all her college tuition and her car insurance and her BM pays everything else.  I feel petty fixating on the fact that once again she's given me nothing, but this year with the comment about nothing jumping out at her topped them all. I'm sure there are others on here who have the same problem?

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Then next year get your DH and DD extravagent gifts, then turn to her and say "I didn't get you anything, nothing jumped out at me!" and smile big for the kodak moment!!!!! 

Mandy45's picture

Never got crap in 10 years. In the beginning I bought things. Put a lot of thought into getting them nice stuff. No one was overly grateful when I did. So now I buy nothing. I spend that money on my own kids who always give me things. Dh has to be the worse gift giver and only buys them cheap crap or gives them a small amount of money. But always buys me nice things. And there bm never given them anything. So hahaha really that's what you get for treating me like shit. 







2Tired4Drama's picture

Like you, I was always the proactive one finding all the gifts for SD.  None of it was ever appreciated.   Unlike yours, she would give me a gift on Christmas but it was usually something re-gifted, weird (just one pair of footie socks from a pack of 3) or an item she got free-with-purchase.   Since she was an "adult" I found her gifts insulting and disrespectful.  So I decided to stop giving her anything at Christmas and haven't done so in several years.  I suggest you do the same.

After all these years, you know your SD does not exchange gifts with you -- she is only willing to receive them.  Why would you continue down this one-way street?  Tell your DH that gift-giving for SD is up to him and since he knows her best, you will step aside and let him handle it.    Then don't buy another thing for her.  Ever.  



susanm's picture

This.  I did the same while the skids were children but I stopped dealing with gifts for my SD once she turned 18.  She hates my guts and doesn't bother even trying to hide it.  I do not buy gifts for adults who treat me poorly and they are not welcome in my life or house.  Luckily her father has finally recognized that she is a b*tch of extraordinary proportion.  Even he has grown tired of her and is just going through the motions at this point.  I still get gifts for my SS and grandskid but they are involved in my life in a reasonably pleasant way and he reciprocates.

Have you discussed this with your DH?  Does he see her rudeness or is he ignoring it?

Imastep's picture

Susanm DH does not see it as rude. He thinks I am being petty by focusing on it. But he does not usually stand up for me when it comes to conflict with her, so I'm not surprised. 

susanm's picture

Is his mother or father still living?  Have you asked him how he would feel if she said exactly the same words to them?  Would they be "petty" for being annoyed?  It is not the gift.  It is the attitude and he knows it.  He just doesn't want to deal with it.

ESMOD's picture

I don't buy for adults that don't buy for me.. and I don't force a reciprocation by buying gifts for people either.. 

If you aren't close with this girl.. I don't know why you would expect a gift  from her.  i would just leave her gifts to her dad.. disengage and move on.

hereiam's picture

My SD28 has never given me OR her dad a gift, so I think nothing of it.

Why does your husband let your SD get away with being so rude? My dad would be all over me if I bought him a Christmas gift but nothing for his wife.

If I were you, I would stop buying anything for her.

JackieJ's picture

Don't get her anything save your gift giving for individuals who appreciate it. 2 years ago I couldn't take my SS17 attitude towards me anymore. For Christmas I got my bio son and my SS14 extra gifts. My SS14 noticed and thanked me for all the gifts. In front of the family I told him he got extra because I was no longer having to divide my money between 3 kids. The SS17 was pissed, oh well. 

tog redux's picture

My SS19 doesn't get me anything, but he didn't come over for Christmas and he didn't get DH anything either, as far as we know.

Stop buying stuff for her.  You can't control what she does, but you can stop doing things for her. 

Ursula's picture

Next year don't get her anything.  Leave the gift giving to your busband. If he fails to get her gifts in time, oh well....

LindaLee's picture

When SD & SIL gave us a $25 gift card for Christmas, I found that insulting. I could see if they weren't working, or they had catastrophic medical bills, but they're both working, buying kayaks, taking trips... I mentioned to DH his share of the gift was only $12.50. I asked him "Would you give your mother or father a gift for $12.50?  At Thanksgiving the following year, he said "If you're having financial difficulties, we don't want you to go into debt buying gifts for us.  So, if it's ok, we won't exchange for birthdays or Christmas.  Is that OK?".  BEST. THING. EVER. Although years later, she did give us a grocery store candle. 

dessy101's picture

I only get SKids Christmas gifts because they get me Christmas gifts. They don't get me birthday gifts so I do not get them birthday gifts either. I only acknowledge the events/holidays in their lives that they acknowledge in my life. 

CANYOUHELP's picture

To me, if you are living this exclusionary nightmare; gifts and special occassions are just one more way to express how meaningless you are by steps as they are the only ones who are allowed  to define who is included as "family." At least, that applies in my situation.

It took me years to figure out I wasn't just being petty because at first you think, I am crazy to feel like this --especially when you are working to establish a  positive relationship. Then, you realize your DH is remaining silent and supporting excusion of you--in all things.  That is when you wake out of your fantasy family land.  After being left out of gifts, I started reading about myself on FB (yes, there was a pattern), and it became clear I was the outsider of the family. After a few years of exclusion, I realized I needed to preserve my sanity away from all of it, that included my DH--- whenever in their presence, who still and always will transform into a poor, pathetic guilt riddled puppy dog.....vying for the smallest crumb of attention.

Stay away from the toxicity if your DH cannot man up.




Chloe1974's picture

Oh I totally feel your pain. DH didn’t even take his kids or my own daughter shopping for me. Said he never thought about it. Funny he never thought about it when we were out buying stuff for step kids to give to their mother for Christmas. *sigh* then when I was hurt and tried to explain to him why I was hurt, he got pissy and said it was the worst Christmas he ever had. Has done nothing to fix it, expects me to just get over it. 

Stepmom2020's picture

I'm done as well. I'm tired of asking "did you get our gift?" so then I would send checks so I could see if they were cashed. Never a thank you. I never get gifts, sometimes her dad. So I will leave it to my DH from here on out.