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husband disrespects me to SD, what to do?

Imastep's picture

My SD is now 24 and since DH and I married (18 years ago) I've felt that DH has disrespected to me to SD on various occasions and has enmeshed her in our marriage problems as SD got older. We went to intensive marriage counseling and the counselor admonished DH for enmeshing SD and not allowing her to be a child (no matter the age) and that it was never appropriate to keep secrets with SD or enmesh her with discussions about me that were not respectful. Things have waxed and waned over the years but its always an issue. I monitor his texts (he doesn't know) and SD is visiting for the holidays, tonight he wrote her a text asking her if she wanted to go shopping today to look for after xmas bargains but he added in "(not to be advertised)". In other words, he was telling her that it was to be a secret trip that I shouldn't know about. I know why he said this....because SD pays for nothing while still in college and although she works a part time job he does not hold her accountable for any financial contribution. He had just made a big deal last night about buying our younger daughter candy at the movies, now I see this text to SD. Should I feel disrespected by this text? I've lost perspective for sure. And I don't know if/when I should confront him because I'd have to tell him that I looked at his texts. 

Please advise.  

Lady.Tremaine's picture

I just read your past blog. This man has issues with boundaries big time. Not just with SD but your daughter. 

I hope you are back in the workforce. If not do so. Save and get the heck out. There's always a hope for alimony but trying to support yourself and your DD should be the up most importance.

I don't have my own kids yet but if I did what he did with his SD and your DD would infuriate me. One is a minor and while yes he and SD deserve to bond he shouldn't be a stickler about money to one and not the other.

I would not admit to looking at his texts. Normally being upfront and honest works but not with your sack of rat poop DH. He will use it against you and to both SD and DD causing endless issues 

If you are feeling petty I'd go where they are shopping with your DD after your DH says whatever lie to you about where he is. Otherwise save up and dump him like the garbage he is.

 

Imastep's picture

Curious Georgetta, I reveiw his texts (periodically) because of his history of disrespecting me to SD and exwife. Me looking at his texts sarted years ago because he wrote inappropriate texts that I happened to see becuase we had the same apple ID and he didn't realize that his texts were popping up on my browser. So I feel that since I have reason not to trust him (going back years) that I should be able to monitor his texts every once in a while. And every time, my suspicions are confirmed, he continues to enmesh SD and send "keep it a secret" texts to her. And the funds are not HIS, they are OURS. I wouldn't care a whit if DH wasn't cheap sometimes with me and DD. Also SD is 24 and is in college and not required to pay for ANYTHING. If she were making some sort of contribution instead of spending all her $$ on piles of clothes I wouldn't care about buying her some extra things. 

ESMOD's picture

You don't trust your husband.. I would end it.  Monitoring his texts?  FFS.. really?   I mean, while I don't think it's right if he isn't honest with you... you are also not being up front with him either.  and.. "disrespect"..when his private communications are not kept private.  That is also disrespectful of his own boundaries.  No.. he shouldn't be pulling others into your marital issues but it also sounds like you both need more work on communication.. so there won't be said issues right?

It sounds like the intensive counseling didn't work.  

You need to either go to another counselor.. or a lawyer.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Why are you still with this man? 5 years ago he hit your daughter in the head and then spent the night with SD at his ex-wife's house. You said then that he discussed your problems with his ex as well as his daughter. It is clear that nothing has improved since then and you are still being disrespected. Does he always treat SD better than his bio daughter with you?

Lady.Tremaine's picture

Agreed. This man is frankly human garbage. I'm not a "leave him" poster but girl, please. LEAVE HIM.

Imastep's picture

Norsurehowtodeal, the situation was/has been very complicated with our younger DD as she has some special needs and I wasn't in a position to leave DH.  I'm always in a quandry as to what to do, to be honest. If not for younger daughter I would have certainly left years ago. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Has he continued to physically assault her? If you did leave him, would she be safe with him without you around?

I understand that things are usually more complicated than can be explained in a post or two, and it is easy for someone on the outside to say "just leave." Since you have been together so long, obviously there are things making you stay.

It seems that his behavior has not changed in a positive way as far as SD is concerned. He continues to keep secrets and that alone is a sign of disrespect.

Curious Georgetta's picture

6 years ago. I do not know why you are bothering  to read this man's texts. It does not seem as though there has ever been any respect for anyone in this situation. He has never demonstrated any respect for you or your  child.

You do not need to sneak and read his texts. He has demonstrated over and over who he is. 

The only surprise would be if he were doing something decent or caring for you or your daughter.

After all that has happened between you, do you really care if he respects you? How can you possibly care whether this man respects you or not? Exactly what is his respect worth?

You only diminish yourself by  sneaking to affirm that which you already know.

I could understand if you said that you were sneaking into his texts to get relevant  information to use in a divorce but you appear to be causing unnecessary pain for yourself.

Do you honestly believe that he respects or cares for you? Is that really  something that you need strangers to validate.

If you are going to continue to live with him, you need to make your peace with the type of man that he is. 

Your expectations of him do not seem to be at all aligned with his repeatedly demonstrated character.

Please get some help to either free yourself or to make your peace with your decision to remain in this awful situation.

You gain nothing by secretly reading his texts. He is an open book. There is no need for the snooping; you know every meaningful thing about him and none of it is positive.

Do not sacrifice anymore of your dignity on this man.  Do not reduce yourself to becoming a snoop; nothing that you can discover is worse than that which you already know.

Here's to hoping that the New Year brings liberation and some measure of happiness to you and your daughter. 

 

 

 

 

 

Imastep's picture

Curious Georgetta, I think someone else eluded that you might be a therapist? I hope not because your dogma is unsettling. Of course DH has shown respect and caring for me at times. He is often a decent husband. Nothing is usually so black and white in a relationship that its "always" X or Y. DH can be very supportive and caring. We've spent thousands of hours together in 18 years and of course not every hour was horrible, there have been good hours and bad hours. Yes he does disrespect me to SD,  subtly at times and other times not so subtly, . I agree that there is much to not like about him based on what I've written. But I haven't taken the time to write the good things either. There are many layers here and I've only exposed a brief view, but its the part that most upsets me so I'm looking less for validation of whether he respects me and more for a temperature check as to whether I'm being reasonable. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

that I know about your husband are the things that you have written about him. To be honest when I read the prior post about him hitting your daughter in her head , I lost any ability to empathize with his persona.

It is not hard to believe that a man who could beat his daughter in the head for no reason could be insensitive ,enmeshed, or any number of other things. Those might even be his better characteristics.

Most abusers are not always abusive; many can at times be quite charming and generous.

As to your temperature check, the fact that you feel the need to sneak and monitor his phone tells you everything that you need to know about him and your relationship.

I do not know your financial situation. I can only assume that it is desperate and that you feel trapped in this marriage.

After 18 years, nothing much is likely to change but I would not torture myself by reading his texts.

Hopefully, the gods of fate, will bring a new and better environment to both you and your daughter in the upcoming year.

Imastep's picture

Curious Georgetta, you are extremely dogmatic imho. DH did not "beat DD in the head for no reason" five years ago, DD has special needs and has uncontrollable rages, she was screaming at him and she has physically attacked us on many occasions so we are always on the defensive. I'm not condoning what he did, but I know that parents with kids who rage have to sometimes defend themselves. Yes he hit her once on the head, she was screaming and about to attack him and he lost control momentarily. By no means does he "beat" her on a regular basis "for no reason". You should be careful of your phrasing and judgement. Again, I hope you are not a therapist, because you would not be helpful with this approach of rigidly declaring the state of things when you were't even there. That being said, I am reading everyone's comments and considering all points so I will take yours under consideration also. I just won't allow you to fabricate things or misspeak when it comes to my past posts. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

In that post you said that " recently he has hit her in the head twice and this time... "

Forgive me , for reading your description of his abuse of his special needs child and not viewing those as the actions of a caring or respectful man or father.

He is what he is , and he will do that which you permit him to do. Any !an who would have hit my special needs child in the head for screaming at him (once again your words) would have been explaining  that particular behavior to the police. Was he defending himself against your daughter's words?

But if it is comforting to you, I will say that his major fault is that he is enmeshed  with your stepdaughter. All of his other behaviors are the minor failings of a caring husband and father dealing with a special needs child. 

God save all of you from this man's  particular expressions of love and kindness.

 

 

Mandy45's picture

Is it his money?? if it is well so be it he is allowed to buy things for his daughter if he wishes. I give money and buy a lot of of things for my grown bio kids to help them out  i dont always tell my dh not because it a secret but because it my money and it not his business. And there my kids and I raise them a lot different to how dh raises his shitty spawn. 

But if it joint finances okay well fair enough you should know about it. And I don't see why them going on a shopping trip to buy a few late xmas presents should be such a big secret unless his trying to avoid a argument with you. 

Which might be the case. 

Considering you going threw his phone theres obviously trust issues going in here as well. 

Imastep's picture

Mandy45, its not that he's spending OUR money or buying her things, its that he has to make a point in his text of tell her not to advertise it. As in, "it'll be our little secret". Which is enmeshment if you ask me. 

Imastep's picture

Mandy45, to clarify, he is the breadwinner and he's spending our money. Its not his money from before we were married,  or anything that is not in a joint account. 

ESMOD's picture

I have a question though.  When you find he spends money on his daughter.  What his your response?  Do you give him a hard time about it?  It may be that he feels he has to be quiet about it to save himself grief.  You may have trained him to do this to an extent.

If he is the breadwinner.. and you aren't in the workforce.. the unfortunate reality is that he likely has more control over the financial side of your home.  You may be entitled to "half" if you split..(depending on where you live).. but I'm sure he still sees himself as the financial head of the household and probably feels his decisions in that area should be primary.  Not saying that is 100% right.. but that may well be his point of view.

I think you would be better off if you were able to earn your own income.. not sure whether your daughter's issues are preventing that.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Curious georgetta. 

This lady has said one of her children has special needs. This complicates things, as sometimes the break up of a family can mean the child misses out on best education they could have got if someone has to move house etc. Though there are many things to consider in relationships such as this, this can weigh heavily on a parents mind, and can make decisions quite agonising for people.  Please be a bit more empathetic here. 

Also, it can be incredibly difficult to leave someone that has a few different sides to their personality, and this isn’t immediately obvious when people first  meet them, as many people are inexperienced at picking up ‘red flags’.

tog redux's picture

OP, every bad relationship has good times, so you have to decide if the good times and the benefit to your DD of staying (I don't know what that is - financial support?) outweighs the bad. 
 

I can't read your past posts because they don't show on mobile, but it seems to me that if you think the good outweighs the bad enough to stay, then you have to accept that the bad isn't going to change. After 18 years, he's making that abundantly clear.  

2nd wives club's picture

Read Sammigirl's blog. She handled it like a boss.

You know he's having an affair with his daughter. And you'll always be 2nd to her.

You deserve better and can change your life and be happy.