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DH's joke to SD pissed me off

Imastep's picture

I've posted here before about the enmeshment that DH has with SD (age 24). We had a blow up over NYear's where SD disrespected me at family gathering. SD made a rude comment about me to my BIL's wife and they both laughed (BIL's wife is not nice either). I saw SD do it and heard her whisper my name to BIL's wife. Anyway, I told DH that SD had just said something rude about me and he refused to believe me, but then he did confront her by text and she finally admitted doing it. Then she called me a few days later and left an apology by voice mail, which was nice, but I had already started disengaging. DH and I had it out and I told him that he needed to stop enmeshing with her and start presenting us as a united front and that he needed to respect me to her. It seemed that DH was complying and things have calmed down as SD lives 4 hours away and hasn't come to visit and DH showed me a text where he told SD that disrespecting me was the same as disrespecting him. 

So today DH calls SD and has the call on speaker. He is outside on the patio but they both talk so loudly that I can hear the conversation from where I'm sitting inside the house. DH tells SD about his favorite joke since the virus started, one something about  a guy who says he doesn't want to be isolated with his wife and child. I felt it was disrepectful fo him to say that to SD, as it implies that he (DH) doesn't want to be here with me. Then SD says rather smugly, "hows it going being stuck there at home right now?". I could tell that SD wanted to open the gates to dissing me and she wanted to see if DH would bite. DH said it was fine and changed the subject (thankfully). 

After the call I told DH that I thought I was a poor choice of joke to share with SD as it encourages the disrespect and enmeshment. DH said I ruined his day and that it was shitty of me to "listen in" and that I had no boundaries. I told him that I was sitting at my computer and could hear every word because of his loud voice and that he wouldn't tell me I couldn't sit in my own kitchen just because he choose to call SD. Also pissing me off was the fact that he never once mentioned me during the call nor did SD ask. You'd think with all the virus stuff going around that SD might ask how I'm doing or DH would mention to her that I'm fine. I realize this is probably way pie in the sky. 

Just looking for opinions on whether DH telling the joke was out of line. 

Kes's picture

It's his "favourite" joke? implying he tells it repeatedly?  if so then yes, my feelings would be hurt, and especially if he told it to SD whom we know is hostile to you already.  

Imastep's picture

Kes its not a joke he's told repeatedly, it just surfaced online, its actually a video of a guy being given a choice: A) be isolated at home with wife and kids or ....before the answer B can be even said the guy blurts out "B". Meaning he doesn't care what the B choice is, he just doesn't want to be home with his wife and kids. DH showed it to me prior and I thought it was funny but it hit a nerve when he chose to pick that one joke to tell SD yesterday. 

hereiam's picture

"hows it going being stuck there at home right now?"

Besides the lame joke, this ^^^ would make me wonder what he has said to her about you and your marriage because why would she ask that?


Imastep's picture

Hereiam this is precisely the problem, he has enmeshed SD in our marriage problems in the past. I told DH that was an inappropriate question for a kid to ask their parent and he disagreed, said it was totally reasonable. 

hereiam's picture

Really? It's totally reasonable for his daughter to imply that being home with you is a miserable experience and that he needs her sympathy over it?

What an ass.

Rags's picture

While I am all  about zero tolerance and total confrontation for/of toxic bullshit, there can be a point where we can amplify the response to toxic drama by becoming over sensitive to it.  

In my case I was fortunate.  Between visitations my SS had zero contact with his SpermIdiot and the SpermClan for the 16+ years we lived under the Custody/Visitation/Support CO.  They never called him and he never asked to call them.  We never brought it up.  

When SS-27 launched at 18 they did contact him to try to guilt him into supporting his three younger SpermIdiot spawned also out of wedlock half sibs by two other baby mamas.  He ignored them and that manipulative crap from them set up nearly zero contact between my Skid and his SpermClan for the nearly 10 years since.  With the exception of him seeing them for a few hours every few years when he meets us in SpermLand for a vacation with my IL clan.

Even though I regularly ask about the SpermClan and encourage him to give his half sister a call to check in that is extremely rare.  Any contact with anyone else in the SpermClan is non existent.

He avoids them because they are toxic.  It may be worth your while to tune out SOME of the blather that occurs between DH and SD as it seems that your DH at least recently has been doing a pretty good job of keeping her in her place.

justmakingthebest's picture

I have heard some pretty funny ones about husbands:

Wife to Friend: Did you see my husband in the garden when you came in?

Friend: No

Wife: You just need to dig a little, he is out there.


I sit here watching my husband as he stares through the window with tears in his eyes. Being quarantined has been so hard for him. But don't worry, I will let him back inside once it is over. 

Just saying, you could have some new favorite jokes too. 

Merry's picture

You ruined his day because you told him how you feel about something? Oh for goodness sake. What a petulant child.

He might not have meant anything by the joke, and hopefully he didn't. But given his reaction, maybe it wasn't innocent and he got called out. I dunno.

2Tired4Drama's picture

I would drop this.  One thing I am learning during all this Covid sequestering is that little things tend to take on bigger importance than they should.  I almost reamed my SO because of the way he tore off a box top this morning!  We (the whole world) is on edge and anxious.  So keep that in mind. 

Second, the key to disengagement is not be involved nor react to things beyond your control.  In this instance, what I would have done was gotten up from my computer and moved elsewhere in the house until your Dh's conversation was done.  That way, you don't know what he says and you don't get involved.  That's disengaging.    I do that on the (rare) occasions when my SO talks with his spawn - if I can overhear, I just find something else to do out of earshot, or turn up the TV, whatever.  If he chooses to fill me in on anything she said afterward, my standard response is something like "Oh, that's nice/interesting/etc." and no other discussion about it.  Change the subject.

If you truly want to disengage, this is what you have to start practicing. 

MissTexas's picture

very well, especially given he has involved her in your marriage in the past.

As for her not even asking about you, consider it a dodged bullet. Had your name come up the choice of joke may've taken the backseat to what you might have heard otherwise. 

I'm glad when my name doesn't come up with DH and SK's. I've told him he has had absolutely no right to share personal aspects of our marriage with him and certainly not in a negative light, as I have been nothing but loving and loya and at his service (until all this horrible mess began, and I've kept a good attitude despite it all). It was so shocking that he'd talk about me behind my back with anyone, LET ALONE SD??? WTH? At this age/stage of life this man insists on spinning the drama wheel.

Choose your battles. I'd say let sleeping dogs lay.

sandye21's picture

Next time you are on the phone to a friend tell them about the funny picture you saw on Facebook -  It says, 'After two weeks of isolation with her Hasband, Madge was knitting him a surprise'  with a picture of her knitting a noose.  If he says anything tell him it was shitty of him to be listening in, and he ruined your day.  Then smile.

GuiltyParty's picture

Hey, this is the first time I am posting or commenting on here! Apparently, the covid 19 isolation is truly getting to all of us. So, first, I'm sorry this happened to you. The only boundry violated was when your husband talked to his daughter about your relationship. THAT is disrespectful and hurtful. You're right, you 2 should be a united front. That comment makes you feel like an outsider. The stepmom that does everything for everyone and then gets dissed and made to fee unappreciated? It's okay to be angry... but after the anger subsides, you have to wait and talk with your husband. But first, before going into it, know where tour boundaries are. What are you willing to put up with and what is a go-to for you. You can set bounda6for you too ya know. Again. Sorry...