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Update - DH blaming me now

Imastep's picture

I confronted DH tonight about him keeping a secret with SD (age 24) and texting her to not tell me that they went shopping together after xmas. DH blamed it all on me, said that my behaviors were causing him to keep secrets with SD, etc etc etc. I know this is not true and that he is being defensive and felt trapped because he had to admit that he did indeed text SD and tell her to "not advertise" that they were going shopping for clothes. DH said he was just trying to be "magnanimous" with SD by taking her shopping (we pay for everything, she has a part time job and is not required to contribute one penny to school expenses, cell phone, car insurance, etc etc AND she is the one who has never given me an xmas gift while I do all the gift buying for her), and DH said I was being petty. I know that he is being defensive and trying to turn the tables. Also SD posted a picture of herself on social media wearing one of my shirts and when i texted asked her where she got it first she said I gave it to her (I knew this was not true) then she admitted she took it and apologized and said she'd give it back. Yes kudos to her for at least apolgizing but as usual I was the victum yet DH could only say how wonderful SD was for her heartfelt apology! 


So in summary DH is blaming everything on me and my bad attitude. Am I losing my mind? 

MissTexas's picture

and he is deflecting because he got caught. He's being defensive because he knows what he's doing isn't right and you're calling him on it.Good for you! He's blaming YOU because if he had to admit he raised a spoiled brat, then it would reflect poorly on him and he would have to confront that reality.

You're not being petty. You are feeling slighted as his wife, and you have every right to.

So many of these enmeshed relationships leave the wife out of the picture so they can carry on with thier "mini wives." It's truly a sick thing that was in existence long before you made your way onto the scene.

As for her "borrowing" (stealing?) your shirt and plastering the picture on social media (not very bright, is she?) your DH MUST address that! I would propose the "SD is not allowed in our home due to her sticky fingers" boundary. At least she apologized for that, but what's stopping her from doing it again? That also proves she has no respect for her father or his wife. Would DH be ok with you going to SD's apartment/dorm and "borrowing" whatever your heart desired and posting photos of your "trophy" on social media? Ask him that. Where did she "take it" from? Do you really want it back? I wouldn't. I'd consider it my last "gift" to her.

Also, she MUST START PAYING FOR SOMETHING on her own. If she's working part-time, the least she can do is  pay for her cell phone plan or get a track phone, whatever SHE CAN AFFORD. Is she on your "family plan?"

STOP ALL GIFT SHOPPING FOR HER. Nobody is paying you to do DH's job. Not your kid/responsibility. DO NOT BUY HER ONE MORE THING....EVER. Do you really want her to buy you a gift? I wouldn't. Most likely it would be daddy's money buying it anyway.

Imastep's picture

MissTexas you are so spot on! I never thought of it that way - that if I went to SD's apartment and "borrowed" things it would not be ok with DH. 

I've fought the battle about SD paying for something/anything till I'm bloody and wounded. DH and BM refuse to hold her accountable for anything. Yet DH always says shes an "adult". Ha. 

I guess I do want the shirt back, if anything to show SD that she can't just take things as she pleases. . I can't address it further with DH or ask him to address it with her (the taking of the shirt) because he will tell me I'm being petty. Its a losing battle. And I would never be able to tell DH that SD is not allowed in "our"house. He also just told her that she can have his sports car, I had told him that I didn't agree and he went ahead anyway and told her. The car is half mine but I'm so tired of fighting with him over eveyrthing that I don't have the energy to cause a row over it. 

I really want to leave him but feel I can't because of BD. 

Winterglow's picture

Take the shirt back and put it ostensibly in the trash. Why would you want it when it's been tainted?

Winterglow's picture

Take the shirt back and put it ostensibly in the trash. Why would you want it when it's been tainted?

Sarah3703's picture

Sounds like he cares more about SD then he does your marriage. I'm sorry, but when you're married you make choices as a couple. You support each other. He is doing neither. I don't think that he will ever change.

I speak from experience.

Please do what makes yourself happy.

tog redux's picture

OP - you've been dealing with this for 18 years - at this point, it doesn't seem like you are going to leave or he is going to change. If it's true that you don't want to leave, it might help to come to a place of acceptance that this is how he behaves with SD and it's not going to change.  I truly can't imagine having versions of the same fight with DH for 18 years.  He knows there will be no consequences of any of this behavior, so he's going to continue.


Curious Georgetta's picture

that you do not work and that your husband is financially comfortable. It seems that he has no issue with  paying for extras for her when he so chooses. 

After 18 years, his position is unchanged   I would imagine that he blames you because he is weary of having the same discussions for 18 years.

This man is not looking to change anything about himself over than the possibility of  having these repeated conversations with  you about what he views as non issues.

Please resume your counseling . You need to get some help in resolving your internal conflicts. You also need to  re-evaluate the reasons that you are not working.  If your daughter is attending school, perhaps you can work part time.  An interest or activity out of your home might give you something else on which you can focus. Additionally, it  might give your husband more of a reason to give any consideration to your input about his spending.

You say that he is spending " our" money on his daughter, but that may not be his shared perception.  

If you are committed to remaining in this relationship, the only thing that you can fix is yourself and how you choose to respond.





Sarah3703's picture

If he thinks that it's his "money", then you need to leave. You are married. You take care of your disabled daughter, which is probably harder than his job.

Please don't listen to the poster above me. You shouldn't have to get a part time job to have DH " give your husband more of a reason to give any consideration to your input about HIS spending."

He should communicate and include you in all Financial decisions even if you're not working. 

Sarah3703's picture

If he thinks that it's his "money", then you need to leave. You are married. You take care of your disabled daughter, which is probably harder than his job.

Please don't listen to the poster above me. You shouldn't have to get a part time job to have DH " give your husband more of a reason to give any consideration to your input about HIS spending."

He should communicate and include you in all Financial decisions even if you're not working. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

how finances "should" be handled. Obviously, her your, or my should be mean very little in the reality that should be.

I would imagine that her husband 's concept of financial equity might not be the same as yours or mine, but her reality is what he thinks and whether she chooses to live with that.

Each family has to create their own financial reality.  


Siemprematahari's picture

Your H dismisses you, your wants and needs every chance he gets. He places his daughter above your marriage and you've been allowing this for 18 years if I'm correct. He's been lying to you and keeping secrets with his daughter. Who knows what else he has been keeping from you. There is no respect here, he will not change so the question is what are you going to do to claim your life back? 

Will you remain another 18 years complaining about the same ole song and dance or will you stand up, say this bullshit is enough and leave this facade of a marriage.....

oatsnhoney's picture

I see 2 options.. accept it all or leave.

Have you ever gotten him to see your side of things? Has he ever heard you and understood your point? Would he go to counseling so you guys could learn to communicate more effectively?

What life do you want and what are the things you could do to build that life?

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Honey, anytime you call them on what is going on it is going to be YOUR fault.  Lived with that for years.  I was expected to be treated like garbage and, as H would say back then, be Big about it.  Didn't matter how badly I was hurt by Twit's actions.  I was a "small person" according to H, because I felt offended when I was given dirty, stained napkins as a Christmas gift (those went right into the trash), or a cheap thrift store ashtray, etc.  After all, according to Twit and H, it was the THOUGHT that counted.  Thus by not being appreciative of getting garbage I was being a small person.

The actual fact is that Twit is so damn cheap she doesn't spend a dime on anyone except herself and her "babies".  Case in point    the drunkie crashes his car off the road, gets arrested for drunk driving and Twit goes out and buys him a big screen t.v.!  Why?  because he wanted one.  H got a greasy, well used grill set in a cheap plastic box and was told that "When he learned how to use it [she[ would sell him a good set from her pot and pan co.!  Boy, I remember the dirty look from H when I asked Twit why she just didn't get her Father the good set, that at his age he already knows how to grill and use grilling tools.  Of course, as usual she burst out crying and according to all, I was the bad guy.


sandye21's picture

SDM, this was an extreme form of gaslighting designed to make you question your on sanity and view the insanity as normal.  Once you get away from it the craziness sinks in and it becomes almost unbelievable that you had gone through it.  Some of the things my SD did were intentionally vicious.  There were times when I caught her and her husband when they thought they had pulled a good one on me, and the disappointment on their faces was priceless.

I guess I was luckier than you. SD rarely gave me anything.  LOL  But when she did, it was classic 'Twit'.  LOL

sammigirl's picture

When my DH blames me, or swears "SD never said that.  SD never did that.  SD wouldn't do that.  Blah...blah...bla." I look him straight in the eye and reply: "You know better than what you are attempting to convince me.  We both know the issues and we both know the game.  Therefore there is no need to blame me, when you know where the blame should be.   It is not my problem, so don't think about making it anyone's problem but your own. " 

Give the blame back where it really belongs.  Don't argue with him, and further more tell him not to bring it up again.  Let it go, handle SD yourself.  I do.  If she whines to Dadeeee...again tell him take care of it, so you don't have to.

Nothing stops it more quickly than giving it back where it began.


sandye21's picture

I'm going to remember this for future reference:  ""You know better than what you are attempting to convince me."

One of DH's pat answers when SD would be nasty was, "I never saw it."  So that meant, "It didn't happen, end of conversation"  And even though SD hasn't stepped foot on out doorstep for over 10 years, this is still his standard MO.

I don't know how many times DH has blurted out, "I thought YOU said ---"  For instance put up a Christmas village on a china cabinet.  Before he did this, he removed some brass decorations.  When the village was removed I asked him where the decorations were.  First thing our of his mouth was, "I thought YOU said you knew where they were."  Please tell me, does it make sense that I would be asking him where the fricking decorations were if I knew?  Thank you for supplying me with the answer next time he does it..

PS Good to see your post and know you are still there.  (((HUGS)))

sammigirl's picture

Sandye21..I had house guest throughout the holiday season, so was away from here a while.  I read mostly. 

When I disengaged six years ago, I didn't realize how much guilt i had carried for 30+ years.  I thought i could fix our blended family and felt guilty for my DH and SD's dysfunctional relationship.  I chased every opportunity to get it right.  What a used fool I was.

I was into the disengagement about two years before I began to fix myself.  I stopped chasing the idea that the more I am doing,  it will be good.   That is when I realized I didn't care any longer.   That is when I began to heal.

Now I see it for what it truly is.  The problem is still there, but I  don't notice as much, because I am over pleasing DH and SD58.   I did try, and still work on keeping it separated from my marriage and my relationship with DH.  

Now that I  don't play the game with them, it has improved,  but it will never be what DH would like.  His fault, for what it is.  I do not let them blame me, nor do I let them think they are ever going to walk on me again.

I pick my fights, thus put the ball right back in their end of the Court.  I won't carry their load ever again.