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Against my better judgement-I guess I’m nuts

mskaye2012's picture

Yesterday my husbands daughter came over to visit. I tried to make it out of the house before she arrived but I couldn't escape. I was sitting in the living room I noticed she was overwhelmed so I offered to occupy the daughter while she and her dad ate dinner. Suddenly, she takes a picture of me playing with the baby from behind capturing the back of my head. I asked her why she took a picture of me, and she said she wanted to send it to her sister  because her sister wanted to know what we were doing. I thought it was strange but ok. It was almost too perfect. I left them home and went to spend time with my own daughter. Two hours later, she posted photos of my husband her and baby on Facebook and of course the photo she took of my with the back of my head. Oddly enough every last photo she has ever posted of me was the worse photo she could possibly find. 

Today I told my husband that I thought it was rude that she lied about the reason she took my photo, and I don't appreciate her posting my photo on Facebook. He said I had no right to ask her why she took a photo of me in the first place and as long as the photo wasn't demeaning or degrading he doesn't see why I have a problem with it. He said I was nuts and out of hand. He says that when people disrespect me I should be the bigger person and ignore them. He feels the same as it relates to his family and friends. I'm always respectful and I never put him in situations where he has to makes excuses for my behavior. His family and friends not the case.

On another note, her mother posts every family moment to Facebook, I think she does it to make the dad jealous and he in turn wanted to do the same and make the mom jealous. I want no parts of it. I don't see how or why every visit should be posted on Facebook and I should have a choice regarding what's posted as it relates to me and what's not.

2Tired4Drama's picture

We literally have no control over anyone taking photos of us at any time and can't control what they do with them. 

FWIW, I know the feeling.  My sister is a royal b!tch who has always been jealous of me.  Anytime she has a camera around I cringe because I KNOW that she is just waiting for me to bend over, have messy wind-blown hair, have a mouth full of food, etc. and she will take a picture of me.  I am certain she posts these on her Facebook site but I don't know because I am not on Facebook.  

In that respect, ignorance is bliss.  I suggest you go through and cull your FB site and unfriend SD and anyone else who is associated with her.  Better yet, delete the damn thing altogether or else just check it once a week.

One thing you should not ignore, however, is your DH's reaction to your upset over the photo.  He calls you nuts and out of hand?  I'd make it very easy on him and SD from now on - no matter what, get up and leave the house the second you know she is arriving.  Completely disengage.  When you saw SD needed a hand with the baby, you should have gotten up and left to go to your daughter's right then and there.

When you do go to your daughter's house, I recommend you catch your emotional breath and consider how often you will have to do so, just to get away from SD.  If it's with any frequency, then you need to have a serious sit-down with your DH and figure out how you are going to manage the future.  Because running out of the house for the rest of your life to get away from her won't cut it. Your DH can call you as nuts as he wants to, but he may just be calling you that from a distance (once you kick his sorry a$$ to the curb). So at that stage, you probably won't give a damn anyway.     


mskaye2012's picture

I actually realize we have no control over who takes photos,what I didn't realize is I had to be cautious even in my own home. I already have to lock my bedroom door and move all papers from her sight to keep her from rummaging now I need to look my absolute best to even engage with her or risk being put on Facebook. Of course she would never post photos when I look beautiful. I'm just so over it. It's funny you mentioned getting off Facebook. I was actually thinking about getting off, and will take your advice for at least a month at a time and go from there. Regarding your sister it's sad when you wish you had a supportive sibling but instead you have to watch your back. It sucks!

It's very difficult to reason with a man and his daughter especially when there is a baby involved. She knows this and that's why I have seen her at our house far more than I desire. On top of the fact that her husband works nights and she says she doesn't want to be by herself. It seems my Husband and SD are not happy in each other's company unless I'm there for them to fu*k with. He also prefers for me to be involved, it makes him happy. Unfortunately dealing with her gives me anxiety. I got it, back to disengagement and off Facebook. Thank you!

jam's picture

First as far as facebook goes you can unfollow your sd so that you do no see what she posts (unless you go directly to her fb) and you can restrict her from what she sees on your facebook (even if she goes directly to your fb). This is what I have done. It does give's me some peace and I don't have to deal with dh or sd complaining that I blocked anyone.

Second. Your sd is playing a little game. You where being kind when you offered to entertain the baby. Your kindness was rewarded with evil and your dh will not or can not see that. Since dh is blind to the game, don't complain to him because that moves you from the victim to the villain. I have been there & done that. You have to be wise enough to simply avoid giving sd any opportunity to play her games. Disengage

Good luck sweetie

mskaye2012's picture

I knew to disengage but somewhere in my heart I felt guilty as it is not the baby's fault. I saw how happy my husband was with me interacting and welp there it was. I debated for hours on rather I would tell him or not and somehow I hoped for once he will side with me. I now realize that's not going to happen. I also blocked her from social media all of them. I don't care how anyone feels about it. She is very obsessed with me and jealous of anyone she believes is doing or getting something better than her even her own sister. 

tog redux's picture

I'd be glad it was only the back of my head!

But I would not tolerate my DH putting me down, calling me "nuts" and "out of hand" even one time.  That's emotional abuse, period.  Even if he thinks you are being silly, he can listen to your concerns without calling you names.

As always, your DH is the problem here; though I'd limit any time I spent with SD, and certainly wouldn't help her out in any way.


Swim_Mom's picture

Why would you let someone disrespect you, particularly in your home? If it were me, it would happen exactly once and that person would never enter my home again I don't care who it is. I'd kick her out on the spot, baby and all.

Disagree on the FB. If you like FB, unconnect from her and continue to enjoy it, if you do.

Again, you should not be adjusting your life for this bitch. And your husband sounds like an asshole.

mskaye2012's picture

100% asshole. It's fine because I'm not going to accept her passive aggressive tactics any longer. I have literally bent over backwards to help this girl and she just keep taking and taking and stalking my social media linked in, Instagram and Facebook. She even stalks my online business, she is very competitive in everything. I've helped her lately even more than I've helped my daughter and that's both his daughters. I make decent money but I'm in no means rich I just purchased a $1,000 baby stroller that she begged me for, at the shower she opened every gift but mine. I'm going to start focusing on my own daughter and leave him to deal with his own kids. 

BethAnne's picture

Tell sd outright that you do not want her to post any photos of you on social media unless she specifically asks you and you specifically say she can. Also ask her to remove any photos of you. Perhaps send a message by email and copy your husband in to it so that everyone knows you have clearly stated what you want. 

I might also post a message on the photo and on her Facebook page asking her to remove any photos of you. Mention that you did not give her permission to post them, have asked that they be removed and you would appreciate if she could respect your privacy. Maybe some social pressure will get her to comply. 

I think on Facebook you can control who tags you so I would go though the settings and assure that sd cannot tag you without your permission and that photos of you are not automatically suggested to be tagged. 

If she takes any other sneaky photos of you tell her that you would appreciate being asked first and that she does not have your permission to post them on social media. Be direct. 

MissTexas's picture

SD will continue to do. I wouldn't go that route. These SD's are ruthless and will do the precise opposite just to egg her on in this sick game.

I suggest she keep her best "poker face" with regard to SD. Once they know what bothers you, it enables them to keep at it.

We have a friend who posts photos of us all the time, so we are very careful about when we allow her to take pictures of. We are private people. I finally reported the photos to FB and they made some type of adjustment to where she can no longer post the photos. She gets an error. We also have removed all "tag" abilities.


Harry's picture

One SD told a lie .  Two she should not be posting Facebook pictures of you in your home.  If he can not see the problem here.  I can not tell you what to do.even  disengagement should mean no photos.  

mskaye2012's picture

We currently live in my husband's house where she grew up. She feels like she can do what she wants because it's "HER" house. I have to lock my personal doors to keep her out. I just got to the point where she understands to call before she comes over and let herself in. We are looking to move but situations like this puts a strain on our marriage and make us question if we should even be married in the first place. SD is winning and using her child to do so.

piegirl's picture

Deleting SD's and their extended families from all social media. This ensured that they could do whatever they liked but I would not have to see it. Unfortunately you can't stop them doing what they do, however knowing you won't be seeing it and therefore not responding might slow the incidence a bit.

Secondly, if you chose that she she can come into your home again (and I would potentially rethink that), ensure that you are not engaging in any way while she is there aside from some generic small talk.

Good luck!

sandye21's picture

I like the suggestion of calling her out on Facebook, maybe in a comical way so other people can see her motive.  Something like, "Oh yes, the back of my head again!" or "Another 'surprise' photo."  DH can't call you nuts when everyone else can see who the real nut is.  In fact, maybe some less flattering photos of HIM could be posted by you on SD's page,  "I'm sure you would like to have this shot of your Father."  LOL

I have a 'friend' who likes to post the most unflattering pictures of me.  It makes you wonder why.

Siemprematahari's picture

I find reading on these boards the issue with kids feeling they don’t have to be respectful because they feel “it’s their house”. She feels this way because although she lived there YOUR H is not shutting her @ss down. He’s not making it clear to her that YOU live their now and its’ also your home. I wouldn’t look to move with him, and if you do I wouldn’t allow her in my home. She’s putting a strain in your marriage because your H allows it. She is winning and your H is standing there doing absolutely NOTHING about it.

bertieb's picture

You could fight fire with fire and take a picture of her stuffing food in her mouth, a great selfie of yourself, and one of DH, you and the baby, then put all together with a sappy caption like great visit with our little peanut or something, ha ha. Everytime she whips it out you do so too!

Dovina's picture

I would comment on your pic on her FB page "such a joy spending time with Gskid!  Here is another one" then post in the comments a very flattering photo of you with the Gskid Wink


CANYOUHELP's picture

It is exactly the sick kind of game these SD's play because they know they can-- without consequence of any type. So, no more assist by you. Leave, it is that simple... even have a list of reasons prepared and handy at all times, but NEVER give her opportunity to get reinforced for her passive aggressive behavior by demeaning you again. Otherwise, she is going to continue.

Be the solution!