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What will the Relationship be like when we get married?

mskaye2012's picture

I have been living with my BF for 2 years and he has 2 daughters (25 and 26) I have one daughter age (20). None currently live with us, and both of his girls are well rounded educated young ladies and mine is a senior in college. I am 38 and my BF is 53. I'm only 13 years age difference from his daughters however, I have always carried myself like a parent and easy to do so since I have a kid around their age. They call, come to me for advice, go to dinner, I buy them expensive gifts Christmas, birthday, graduation everything you could think of from a mom. However, this past Mother's Day I received nothing not even a call from one of the daughters and the other came over to pick up her anniversary cake that was in the freezer and clearly it pained her to even say it on the way out the door.
I thought we were doing well up until then, I deactivated my Facebook page because I believe the change in attitude is coming out of jealousy because their dad and I travel extensively and are very social. I now feel like I have to hide the things we do. My BF makes decent money but I make more money than he does so yes we do extravegent things but it's OUR money. I'm just concerned about what our future relationship will be like.

sammigirl's picture

You are getting a taste of what is to come. Begin to cut back on the gifts, until you are giving only what you get in return, some respect.

Back away and focus on your BF and you; let the rest take care of itself. I'm speaking from 30+ years experience of being the gift giver, doing everything to make a Brady Bunch Family.

The minute I began to let it all go and quit the gift giving and catering to everyone's wishes, it was too late. I had received so much disrespect, the only way for me was to salvage myself and my marriage.

Begin by taking care of you and your marriage; the kids will respect you, if you don't try to make them respect you and like you. The more you try, the more they will take advantage of you, believe me. Stay arms length and don't trust them with your deepest feelings.

Stay here with us and keep us posted on anything.

mskaye2012's picture

I don't know if I was upset that they didn't buy me a gift it was more the fact that one walked into our home with an obvious attitude and basically refused to say it until she saw the look on her dad's face. The other called while she was there it would have been simple to say hey tell ... Happy Mother's Day or text me herself. Hell she doesn't hesitate to text when she needs something and quite frankly you can say that to a stranger as long as you know that person is a mother.
I never de-friended anyone I just deactivated my entire acct to everyone. Funny thing is the next day was her anniversary and she text me pictures of their dinner I wished them happy anniversary as if nothing ever happened. They are not mean girls at least not yet but very coy about their behaviors. Like coming over and letting themselves in the house without calling or coming over and attempting to clean an already clean kitchen like what I cleaned wasn't good enough. Even occasionally stealing my clothes a sweater here or there. Overall, we don't have a bad relationship just recently after my BF and I purchased a rental property together. It's weird but the oldest somehow feels we should have consulted her first. My daughter has been acting quite strange as well so, I'm trying to make everyone ok with it but like you said I'm going to save my energy. Ty for the feedback

mskaye2012's picture

Well of course I know that but i could die tomorrow and he could inherit my pot as well which is why we make sure we enjoy our time together doing whatever we want to do.

mskaye2012's picture

My daughter is NOT in favor of this. I did mention she was acting strange, primarily because she was use to having me to herself. She was use to having all my time, love and money, now she sees me spending money on vacations and events with my BF that doesn't include her and she thinks that the boundaries I have started to set for her like good grades, good behavior, hanging around good people, respect for me are because of him being in my life but it's not. I spoiled my only daughter, she is on a full scholarship in sports and has always been given everything in her life. I needed for her to be prepared for real life because she was acting too entitled. Therefore I started enforcing boundaries before it became too late. My daughter lives in her own apartment and always have during our entire relationship. Therefore, my BF and her are cordial but she has never asked him for anything and he doesn't buy her anything unlike his kids with me.
My daughter has yet to even spend the night at our house not once, so he doesn't have the baggage that he brings into my life. Whatever we build together over the next 20 or 30 years will go to whomever live on this earth longest and we are not rich so whatever it is we both would have earned and deserve

Cover1W's picture

Well, it's all perspective.

I got NO happy MD from either SD (but they weren't with us, they are with BM, SD12 and SD10) or from DP. Whatever - some of my friends were surprised, but you know, I'm not their mom.
It gives me more freedom to not think of myself that way.

As for them coming INTO your house when you are not there?! What? They are 25 and older? Nope and no way that is acceptable. Does your BF allow this and like it? I'd be changing the locks ASAP and no, they don't get a key - it's not their house. They pay no rent and do no upkeep. And taking your clothing? OMG. NO. Not acceptable. They may not be "mean girls" but they sure are entitled.

If you can't get the locks on the house changed, then lock up your things. Seriously. I have a lock on my makeup box and locked cabinets in the laundry room because SDs couldn't understand the words "No, stay out of there, it's not allowed." I am on the verge of getting a locking cabinet in the garage as well.

1) Entitled young women and 2) mini-wife.
Read Stepmonster. Really, it's a great, eye opening book.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I hadn't seen your latest comment before I responded. So, I'm back to say...


We need more info about your daughter's feelings, but regarding your bf's daughters, listen to your gut.

All the examples you gave - coming and going as they please, performing household chores that are the purview of the lady of the house, and STEALING YOUR CLOTHING! are examples of marking territory and disrespect. As for the elder daughter? You have a mini wife on your hands. Possessive, controlling, that's her daddy you're with, and he belongs to her.

Did you move into your bf's house? Were his daughters raised there? Did he have custody? How long has he been divorced? Sorry, but we need more details.

pinkb's picture

I've learned that on holidays, birthdays, Mother's Day... expecting absolutely NOTHING is best. I've never expected anything on Mother's Day though after my husband and I got married he regularly brought home a generic (but nice) Mother's Day card from HIM (not his kid). So, I've kind of come to expect one and this year he missed. I've done an aweful lot for this kid (including on paying for most of his education). It was nice to get an ack from Dad but anything you expect of these kids (especially millennials) will just disappoint you.

The first couple years with SS I wasn't extravagant with birthdays, holidays, etc. Now, he gets a token gift at Xmas if everyone is together for the holiday. If I am feeling the mood, he'll get a card on the other days. Last Christmas (for the first time EVER) I got a refurb thrift store book with the $4.97 discount tag left in. I actually thought to myself (after 6 years!) "Wow, progress". Until a couple days later when I found the 'thank you' note I wrote him ripped in half in the night side stand in the guest bedroom that he had stayed in. And, I'm supposed to believe that wasn't on purpose?

Good luck and stay in touch!


mskaye2012's picture

Wow. Pink you have been mistreated used and abused far too long. The cost to have a big heart is far too much, at some point you need to cut the purse strings. I have learned a lot from this post, it's shown me how others view my relationship from the outside looking in and it's shown me how to focus solely on my daughter and BF only. What BF kids think about me is not my problem as long as I don't mistreat them then I'm good.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

In general, any negativity present before can ramp up after the wedding, and plenty of SMs enjoyed relative calm until wedding plans were announced. Sometimes it's due to skids not wanting to share their dad, or the perception that an inheritance is threatened. Or, the BM might be the "I don't want him but just don't want anyone else to have him either" sort who plants poison seeds. Females are very territorial creatures, after all.

You're not the first of us to bend over backwards in hopes of being accepted, but the truth is that these women are adults, and you are not their mother. The very best you could hope for would be a friendship, so stop chasing them, let your bf handle the gift giving, and pay attention to actions rather than words.

twoviewpoints's picture

Do you expect your daughter to wish your BF Happy Father's Day next month? If so, to what extent do you think she should go in doing so?

notarelative's picture

The only person you should expect a mother's day card/ call/ gift from is your child. You are dad's wife to his children.

Work on your relationship with your child and let him take care of his.

Buy them gifts if you want to, if it gives you joy. Otherwise don't.

My children were early -late 20s, his were early 20s, when we married. I never expected to fill the mom roll for his. He never expected to fulfill the dad roll for mine. It's much easier on our relationship that way.

Mine accept him. His think we shouldn't be married. DH says it's their choice and they are not going to run his life.

His are anticipating a big payout upon his death (not going to happen). Mine say enjoy yourself. Spend your money on yourself.

I can't make his kids like me or treat their father better. He can't make them like me.

Post on Facebook or don't post on Facebook. Do what gives you joy. Do what makes you happy. Do not try to figure out how to make them happy for that will be ever-changing. Your priority is your husband and then your child. Your husband's priority is you and then his children.

mskaye2012's picture

I moved into my BF house and it's the house they grew up in. I moved into his house because mine was easier to rent and had less stuff to dispose of but its much nicer than my BF but I moved there anyway. The items that I want to keep private like bank statements insurance policies letters I take to my moms house because I know they go through my belongings while I'm gone. The youngest I don't worry about because she lives 3 hours away. The oldest is the one I'm referring to. My BF gave her 40,000 as a down payment on her own house and she rented it out and moved to the next town over just to be 30 min closer to work. She could easily drive just like I do one hour each way to work. So basically she has two homes the one she owns and the one she rents, and I guess she still feels like the one we live in is hers too..He has been divorced 4 years now, we have been together 2 1/2 but there is a story behind his divorce which I will share later. Clearly, she was attempting to mark her territory but since I show her no reaction she stopped trying. Besides, I help her with too many things for her to get completely out of hand. I help her rent her home, do her taxes, complete her student loan paperwork amongst other things so she is careful not to take it too far

mskaye2012's picture

Thank you for your well thought out response and it made me laugh. I will explain when I have more time to write out the background as to how the daughter received $40,000 from my BF, but the short answer is out of his retirement fund during the divorce. It was apart of their settlement. What bothers me is all this talk about inheritance. Honestly, I don't think anyone should benefit off someone else's death and you definitely shouldn't be trying to control someone else's money while they are still alive. I think it's our job as parents to raise our kids to be independent well adjusted adults who can provide for themselves not look to inherit their parents money after they die. Hopefully we will get married and spend the next 20-30 years together and yes if we spend those years together I expect to inherit everything because I will invest equally. Then when I die his kids and my kid can have whatever I have left and that's if I die before him. I was a single mother so it's important that my daughter is taken care of until after she graduates college with a Masters degree at age 23. Then, she is on her own to build her own wealth. His two kids both have degrees in a very good profession, they should NOT be thinking about inheriting their dads money when he dies that's just crazy. We have discussed buying a home together but he has only 6 years left to pay his house off so we were trying to decide on rather to buy a vacation home in a warm climate instead. If we decide to stay in his home, it will be mine as it should be until I die at least. Then after that they can have it back. We can't take it with us

notarelative's picture

Money in a second marriage is different from money in a first marriage. This would be a second marriage where each of you has substantial assets. Assets that were acquired before the second marriage.

Even aside from what the kids expect, you need to plan. You need to consider what your state inheritance laws say. What do they say about assets acquired before the marriage? Are there dower rights?
Not only do you have to consider the death of one spouse, you have to consider finances if one of you needs a nursing home. Plus.... well there's lots to consider financially.

Second marriage, substantial assets = prenup needed.
Each one of you gets a lawyer and get a prenup done. It will take lots of discussion and if you survive the discussion your marriage has a good chance of making it.
Once you have the prenup done and marry, then write wills that reflect the prenup.

twoviewpoints's picture

But I'm not sure where all you're coming from in your story. Are you not the same mskaye2012 who was living with a totally different man (just a rough year or so before this new one)? Had a SS age eight?

If so, I would think all three young ladies (your daughter included) have taken the 'slow it down, let's wait and see' attitude and reserved approach.

By the way, you didn't answer my Father's Day question. Your daughter has had two different males be gonna-be-my-stepdaddy in a few short years. You've had a little boy and now two grown women you've planned on being someday stepmother to.

Just can't help but think expecting big ol' Happy Mother's Day greetings and not getting any? Just because you went all out buying a couple birthday and Christmas gifts and share a dinner out at your treat does not a mother make.

mskaye2012's picture

Sorry I meant to answer the other question, the inheritance part came from a poster on here it was not apart of my original post but to answer it's assuming after we are married. However, we just recently purchased a rental property together where we are co owners and rent it out so if anything I need to make sure that's safe and it's likely we will buy another.

mskaye2012's picture

What's off was my brain, because it was always my intention to try to win them over and stay consistent no matter how they acted hoping they would change. I'm still hoping this will work because I don't want to argue with them or be at odds over a perceived inheritance from regular working class people. My mother has a very good job over 6 figure income, and I suspect I will not be getting much whenever my 62 year old mother pass on another 25 plus years or so because she spends all of her money and yet I don't care. I will be in my 60's by the way when my mom passes and have secured my own future I could care less if she leaves me a quarter more than the cost of paying for her funeral and the same with my dad.

mskaye2012's picture

I would interpret "win them over" as showing that I'm not a threat to the relationship they previously shared with their dad before I came along including financially.

mskaye2012's picture

I think you probably need to read this now extensively long thread to see the other ways in which I support them outside of financially.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Forget about the Mother's Day wishes. You are not their mother, even though you do motherly things for them. Stop buying them things. If you are trying to win their approval this way you will end up resenting it.

They will take if you give. Stop giving. Put your foot down about the keys to the house. Tell your DH you don't feel comfortable with SD having access. She is not your daughter and it would feel weird to have someone just walk into my home too.

If you are sure SD took some of your clothes, call her out on it and tell her to stop helping herself to your stuff and to please return what she has right now.

It sounds like you are tip-toeing around these girls - STOP! They are certainly not tip-toeing around you - so why should you. Will your DH support you? This is key to changes in boundaries. Talk to your DH and put a stop to the disrespect before it gets much worse.

Edited to add: What if you gave your DD a key to the house - would DH be ok with that? What if your DD helped herself to some of your DH's personal belongings? Turn it around on him and ask him to reflect on this. It is not fair that you are expected to put up with this.

mskaye2012's picture

You are correct. I will stop buying gifts, and will give that responsibility back to their dad. My BF doesn't see any big deal to his family members having access to the house. His father comes and goes as he pleases to borrow tools from the garage or basement, his daughter comes and goes to get pictures or something else she may have left and his sister to clean since she needs extra money we pay her to clean. They enter by a passcode on the doors. He has recently told his daughter that she must call before she comes over and most of the time she does, but she lets herself in even when we are home. It seems the only option would be for us to sell the house and purchase one together. I don't really know how I feel about that considering he loves mowing the grass, it's therapeutic for him and there are not many areas near us anymore with a lot of land.

Once again, it's NOT a requirement to be someone's mom in order to wish them a Happy Mother's Day. I wish stranger happy Mother's Day and that's my point. Thank you all for the feedback

2Tired4Drama's picture

I concur with Sallie and Threestrikes wholeheartedly. DO. NOT. GET. MARRIED!!!!!

The situation with your SD's will not get better. Stop trying. Disengage. Spend your emotional time, energy and money on your own daughter - that's your business. What he does with his daughters is his business. Wait until they have grandkids, it will get even worse.

It's unfortunate that disengagement almost always seems to be the only option. At best, most relationships with spoiled skids can only be arms-length, with superficial pleasantries being about as good as it gets. Don't expect any more than this.

My SO and I live together. It's going to stay that way. We both are comfortable in our incomes and assets, and they stay in our individual names. I'm of the same mindset at Threestrikes, meaning that now we are getting older there has to be some sort of legal agreement for who gets to live in the "joint" home after the death of the other. I don't want to be 75 or 80 years of age and have his adult kids come in an kick me out of a home we were living in for years.

Don't be stupid and don't get married. Keep your assets separate. If things go south with your SDs, which is often bound to happen, you have an exit strategy and funds to take care of yourself.

mskaye2012's picture

You know what's really funny. You turned my entire thread which was originally about Mother's Day into a thread about inheritance which shows you are really good at causing unnecessary drama, which now I'm going to divert back to my original thread if that's okay with you. By the way I have one kid who is 20 years old and has never slept in our house one day and has absolutely no desire to accept one quarter from my BF and he is alive let alone when he dies lol. She barely even wants to come to the house and I would guess because it makes her feel uncomfortable. However, his daughters will and does accept anything offered or not offered to them by me including my free services and advice from my professions that other people pay for. You seem to have a problem with our age difference. Did your husband leave you for a younger woman in the past because I don't think that matters much as we are both mature adults .

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

I agree with 2Tired!! Excellent advice.

Yes, once grand-kids come along they seem to wield that power over the bio parent. You will have less of a chance to enforce boundaries when grandpa is goo goo gaaing over grand-babies.

Stay common-law and do not get married. Protect yourself and have your SO draw up a will that is fair and acceptable. These SD's need to be put in their proper place once and for all. You are the woman of the house now and they need to back off a bit.

Rags's picture

The relatieon ship will be what you demand that it be. I would set your boundaries and terms and hold the girls to your standards. If they don't adhere, then put it to them directly.

"What is the problem?"

That is how I would manage it.

Your age difference with your SO is a few years bigger than the one between my bride and I. I am 52 and she is 40. She is the one that brought the kid to the mix. Our son (my SS) is 23. We all are very close because my wife and I set the standards, live them ourselves, and hold our kid to them.

I suggest that you and your SO discuss the standard you will accept form all three girls, communicate those standards, and hold the girls to them.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

notsobad's picture

My skids and I have a very good relationship. They are good kids who have launched, are respectful toward me and treat both me and DH very well.

Neither of them called or sent a Mothers day card. I wasn't the least bit upset. I'm not their Mother. I'm more like an Aunt, the relationship I have with them is a lot like the one I have with my best friends kids.

A couple of years ago we were all on vacation on Mothers day. That day they did say happy mothers day, told me they loved me and gave me a hug. But then so did their gf/bf. It was because we were all together.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I see both sides, No they shouldn't have to say anything to you BUT one of them was right there so why would it be so hard to say Hi, Happy Mothers Day?

As for how it's going to be once you are married. Who knows? I mean everyone here has an opinion but I think if you sit down with your guy and set some boundaries you'll be fine. The SDs are adults so why not sit down with them too. Talk to them about what you expect of them and what they expect of you.

Not all skids are horrible and not all fathers are spineless. Most problems arise from miscommunications and presumptions.

GottaLaugh's picture

mskaye2012, in reply to your original thread, I think you are trying too hard and need to change that. You will never gain their respect by being too nice or buying them gifts, they will seriously take advantage of you and you will be easily hurt. From my experience, you will never gain their respect until they are ready to have a relationship with you, which may or may not ever happen. My advice, DON'T have any expectations, be yourself, DON'T do anything for your SD's simply to "Please" them, it will be a waste of time. As many have said, put your energy into your relationship with your husband, that has to be your priority not the SD's.