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Easier for Cheating Mom then Loyal Dad

mskaye2012's picture

I recently got engaged to bf of 3 years. His two daughters age 26 and 27 have issues regarding our engagement since they were not consulted with first. I've been extremely kind towards his two girls so much that my daughter age 21 feels somewhat neglected but still is ok. The mother and my fiancé were married for 27 years she was a High school principal and cheated on her father with one of the teachers in the school. She divorced him and 5 years later those two are engaged to be married. The weird part is they seem to be happy for their mother and great friends with the mothers fiancé but very rude towards me as our relationship is far better, conflict free and close to normal. Why is it so different for us?

sandye21's picture

Generally women seem to be more competitive with each other than men. I have no idea why this is but you see it in all areas - work, relatives, even so-called friendships. Many SD's (like mine) are possessive compete with you for their Father's love and attention. Also, society places different expectations on SMs than on SFs. He doesn't have to try too hard at all. For a SM, she is expected to make sure everything is perfect for SDs when they are visiting in her home. She's the one who cleans up and makes sure the guest bedroom is nice, tries to maintain a positive atmosphere. She's the one who cooks and cleans up after them.

The thing to do is take a cue from the SF. Quit trying so hard. Let BF cook and clean up after them. Let him purchase gifts and send cards. If they ask you for anything tell them to see their Father. Treat them like they treat you. And before you get married make sure your marriage is your DH's top priority. If he thinks the adult kids come first, run.

sammigirl's picture

Again, sanye21 has given excellent advice.

Daughter's are close to their father's and it is usually a territorial (alpha female) issue also.

Please read sandye21's advice and follow it! I wish I had never engaged closely with my SD56, 37 years ago. My SD also threw a fit, because she was not consulted of our marriage plans.

If I had stayed my distance, I would not have put myself through all the mental abuse. Believe me, you will regret becoming too close to your SD's. Concentrate on your own daughter, because if you marry into this treatment, you are going to need a friend. If they are already showing distance, take it, let them come to you; because I'm guessing they are not interested in the competition.

Good Luck

sandye21's picture

Thank you, Sammi. I allowed myself to be abused for far too long also and wish I had stayed my distance early on in the marriage. One thing that influenced my decision to keep quiet at that time was fear of a second failed marriage. If I had created boundaries early on, I ran the risk of DH viewing it as me expecting him to choose between SD and I, and leaving. It was really about choosing mutual respect over entitlement.

If I had it to do over again, I would not have sacrificed my self-worth for anyone - including DH. We are much happier today because we respect each other. The cost is that SD is presently not welcome in our home. DH can visit her just about any time but I refuse to be surrounded by open hostility.

As far as SD, I can't see that there would be much difference in her attitude toward me whether I set boundaries early on in the marriage or later. There are too many external influences in her life, too much possessiveness, and too much jealousy for us to have ever gotten close.

They say people come into your life for a reason. I really owe SD a 'thank you' for making me realize that I am deserving of simple human rights.

SugarSpice's picture

i agree about the alpha female dynamic. two adult women cannot live in the same house in some conditions.

one sd wanted to be the alpha and make decisions about the household. she wanted to dictate the decor kitchen cabinets tile flooring and all the things the wife should do. she could not understand why she could not make these decisions as she saw herself her her fathers "mate." she was not even 20.

even still she was making the work lunches of dh and tucking lovey notes into them. she would resent my making lunches for my own husband to take to work. she would glare at me then try to make coffee for his breakfast and set her self to competing with me as a wife. it was utterly unreal.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Because mothers no matter how awful have an atomic tractor beam on their kids. Probably a survival gene from years of evolution. When mother puts the seal of approval on stepdad, he's good to go. But dads do not have this same type of grip. They are seen more as a resource that must be guarded from all perceived threats to the Full Tap Experience.

On top of that, BM undoubtedly talks trash about both you and dad. Kids absorb that and magnify it. Mother's flying monkeys.

Stop chasing these people. Wash your hands of them. Go back to tending your own offspring. Avoid the skids when you can, smile and channel Donna Reed when forced together: just smile and pass the hors d'oeuvres, talk about nothing more personal than the weather.

mskaye2012's picture

I like this talk about nothing more personal than the weather. Crazy because I've taught his daughter so much how to rent her home, how to save on her student loans, tax advice that's saved her several thousands of dollars not as much as a thank you. I have an MBA and she has a Masters degree in nursing, I guess she thinks my advice and services are free to her for whenever she wants to hear my voice or advice. Smh now my advice and knowledge stays in my head. Intellectual property

SugarSpice's picture

this was the case with bm and her husband the one she cheated with and then married. btw she was also a home wrecker as step dad was married when bm had her affair with him.

bm immediately gave step dad all the power he needed in the house and was an equal in the skids eyes. i was demoted to being the maid and cook.

dh saw nothing wrong with this and in fact thought everything was great as it was. it was not until i had to verbally defend myself when the skids got nasty with me as their father did nothing like the coward he was.

now the skids have a healthy respect for me and backed up. too bad my own dh could not defend me like a knight in shining armour. he is not a hero in my eyes and never will be.

mskaye2012's picture

I think the issue is I don't and will not compete. In the beginning (first two years) I bought expensive gifts and did several favors I still am quite generous because that's my nature except now I give equally across the board what my daughter gets they get and visa versa. When I saw that oldest didn't appreciate what I did for her I stopped immediately. She would try to get me to vie for her dad's attention one day by overstepping her boundaries in my house and I told her that I have managed to handle everything in our home for the past three years and if I need her input then I would ask. She stopped talking to me for about 3 weeks but she got the picture that I will not sit back and remain quiet when boundaries are crossed. I now realize that my fiancé loves when she tries to challenge me for his attention he feels like two women are fighting over him which is exactly the reason why I don't. I walk away right out of the room, and leave them to standing there looking stupid. He now gets the point, however every now and again I think he needs a reminder.

mskaye2012's picture

Ok this is a good question. I try to remain neutral as it relates to kids, but I forget these are grown adults. It's very difficult determining how to share our resources with them fairly so still looking for what works. I have readjusted and they both have a mother very involved which also makes me feel uncomfortable as they go back and tell her everything that's going on in our place. I feel like I have no privacy.

sammigirl's picture

mskaye2012: You do not have to compete. You can concentrate on your future with your SO. Good for you!

I am also a giving person. I understand your frustration and hurt feelings; but now it is time for you to change directions and it sounds like you have figured that all out and are doing fine with it.

I never discuss my SD and SGD with my DH now. He is welcome to see them, talk about me, do whatever, as long as they take it out of our home. That is the main boundary, not in our home! I stand my ground and am in control in my home; I don't care about what happens with them outside of our privacy. They are welcome to come visit DH anytime; rules are: they notify us first. I do not hostess them or do anything for them; that is DH's area. He is very poor at it, but not my problem.

My SD and SGD have backed away 75% of the aggression, because I also ignore their games, and let me add; they know I don't care about them or what they say or do, thus they have nothing to work with. DH has always been to blame for this problem, but now he sees the mistakes he has made; he is making good progress in "leaving it all alone". We set boundaries after 30+ years and should have set those boundaries when we got married 37 years ago.

Good Luck, you are doing well! Let me add; disengagement is worth the effort and I will never regret doing it.


mskaye2012's picture

Thank you so much for this advice. I was thinking about this topic yesterday of rather we will actually make it to marriage. He is doing better at setting boundaries at my request. It's not perfect but yes daughter has to call before she comes and must knock and we will let her in. Just because she has the pin code doesn't mean she can come and go as she pleases which she use to do. Now when she comes in she thinks it's ok to wander around and go in and out of the cabinets and fridge as she feels. I kinda feel bad sometimes because we still live in the house she grew up in, so she may feel like she has the right to do so as a level of entitlement.. Although much has changed since she lived there we have redecorated, purchased new appliances etc, and every time she comes into the house and something has changed she makes a snide comment about it, like I care what she likes or dislikes about my decorating decisions. Also every time she buys him a gift it's always something to put on the walls or put outside in the yard. I spend all this time decorating with beautiful art and she buys signs with beer cap bottles and windmills the size of power plants. I told my fiancé from now on I'm going to return the favor. She will now get the same in return for her birthday, Christmas etc. I wonder how she would like it. His response you really have something for my daughter don't you? I told him every time she comes over she gives me anxiety because I never know what she will do or say next. I'm not going to bite my tongue about it, I told him she has her own houses one you put a significant down payment on and she chose to rent out and one she rents so she can be closer to work. She need to focus on running her two houses because I have this one under control. He knows his daughter has boundary issues as she is like this with all of the family not just me so. The one I actually enjoy being around a lot unfortunately moved far away. My daughter doesn't come around to my house often. She says it's because I live too far 1 hr away, but I know it's because she doesn't feel comfortable here and my fiancé wants me to ship my daughter off far away to complete her Masters degree but doesn't want his second daughter to move for a job. My daughter just graduated and gets into trouble speeding tickets, bad choice in bf's but she works everyday and doing well. His daughters are both beautiful and intelligent however very competitive by nature even with each other so being 13 years older we are close in age so they feel like that have to compete with me as well even though I act as a parent not their friend. It helps that I have a daughter in her early 20's I had her when I was 18.

mskaye2012's picture

Do not mistake education for common sense. Having an education means you have the ability to learn. Unfortunately, you really cannot learn common sense. You cannot learn character.

Smile love this comment

sandye21's picture

"Now when she comes in she thinks it's ok to wander around and go in and out of the cabinets and fridge as she feels. I kinda feel bad sometimes because we still live in the house she grew up in, so she may feel like she has the right to do so as a level of entitlement.. " When I left the house I grew up in and got my own place I was not allowed to go back into my parents' home and rifle through their cupboards. If I would have bought them 'gifts' which were plainly designed to demonstrate continued 'ownership' by me, I would have been laughed out of the house. And maybe this is the answer. Next time she starts going through your cupboards ask, "Are you looking for a dead body or a live one?" and laugh. When she gives you another tasteless gift place it the garage and say, "Another item for DH's 'man-cave!"

mskaye2012's picture

Are you looking for a dead body or a live one?"

This comment made my day!! Biggrin

CANYOUHELP's picture

I agree with second, you are most fortunate to see the red flags now, before getting married. Take these red flags seriously, because this IS your future with this step adult women. Listen intensely to your feelings and give this situation some serious thought; you are just beginning a journey into this sick social dynamic that will likely never improve, only intensify.

Glad you have seen the light....before saying I do...because after're pretty much done...and fair game for all of them to treat you like an old piece of future that cannot fit in their room. The earlier you accept this, the better--emotionally and financially.

SMforever's picture

"Stepdaughters have issues with our relationship". First of all, too bad, any issues are theirs to resolve. Your best medicine is emotional disengagement, ie. continue to be civil but stop,caring at all what they think. Take measures to,minimise what they know of,your own fab life by quietly blocking their access to your social media.

I can see how they will have some pre-conceived ideas about their father, his money, and their place in his life. Any new woman who,steps in is bound to,be,seen as a potential gold digger, or,at best, someone who will dominate their,father's future and likely replace them in hismaffections and more,importantly, in his WILL. I kid you not, I have a friend who is 70+ and worth an absolute mint, and when she became engaged to the love of her life a few months ago, his adult skids called HER a gold digger. I couldn't stop giggling when I heard that.

it doesn't matter how well meaning, how wealthy, or how innocent you,are, these girls already have a fixed idea of the way their world should be and you are an alien female who threatens that. So, unlikely you can be friends, although in my experience, there are some,special adult SD's who do,accept,Dad's new,partner.

My own DH was a faithful husband who,was cheated on by BM and ended up,being shut out by his kids for years. We have recently had the experience of,all three adult skids coming to our house and apologising for their bad treatment of DH over the years. No idea what exactly happened, but BM must have finally shown her evil side. Sometimes miracles happen and cheaters get their karma.

mskaye2012's picture

Funny you say that because my fiancé and I are worth the same. Although he is 15 years older I make more money than he does, I have very good pension and benefits that would allow for him to retire quite comfortably and I provide intellectual business knowledge that they all have benefited from for free. Both his daughters have good careers mine not so much yet as she just graduated two months ago but she is working on it. I think they somehow think that the house we live in will become theirs someday but my fiancé has made clear that we are moving they do not know yet but he has his mind made up regarding the type of property we are looking for. It's me that is putting off moving until I pay off all my credit card debt so that I contribute to the new home equally instead of having him use the old house as most of the payment.

sammigirl's picture

We sold the house my DH and BM lived in. We lived in it, until we could get it sold and bought a home of our own.

I had the same problem with all three of my Skids, while living in DH's house. No more problem after we acquired our own home, in the same town too.

Oh yes, SD56 tried the territorial thing in our new home; I put her in her place immediately. The door is latched, she has to wait until I let her in. One day she was looking at a piece of mail lying on the table, I literally grabbed it from under her nose and put it in a drawer right in front of her. She was dumb founded; I never said a word to her; I SLAMMED the drawer! SD got the point, but again she sleeps and the next visit, she always has a snide remark and just can't help herself. It is getting better, but has taken 30+ years.

SugarSpice's picture

lol that sounds my situation.

bm had an affair while dh was overseas in the military. she divorced dh and ended up marrying her lover (he was also married with children). bm had full custody of the skids.

dh was ruled with guilt and became a disney dad. no discipline for the skids and i was made out to be the villain. the skids made a mess of their lives of drugs dropped out of college kicked out of the military. you name it.

fast forward for twenty years and the husband of bm had an affair. news flash. men who cheat with you will eventually cheat ON you.

bm kicked all the kids out of the house when they turned 18 so they all came running to daddieeee for money. he was doling out the money with a stupid grin on his face, thinking they contacted him out of love.

the bn had her karma coming.

one of the skids is great friends with her step father. hard to understand this as he was the one who cheated on their mother.

mskaye2012's picture

Today was my birthday and while we were sitting in the living room I heard the door open downstairs. His parents were walking up the basement stairs and into the living room with a card in hand. Fiancé asked why didn't you come to the front door and knock? His mom said we didn't see any cars. Fiancé states both cars are in the garage where they always are. His mom apologized while his dad looks at my reaction. (I didn't give him the satisfaction) They have NEVER done this before. I can't help but wonder if his daughter told them that I make them knock before they come in and the dad intentionally came in to prove a point.

Fiancé says dad did you notice I put an alarm on the house? Dad says yes is the password the same as the lockbox? Fiancé: No, and then silence. His dad was noticeably upset but it was clear he understood that I found it to be a problem. What if we were in the bedroom having sex or walking around naked? Are they trying to intentionally run me away? Perplexed

momjkm's picture

My case is a little different. Its the SDIL's that act out. total bitches. They also wear the pants in both their houses. Older SDIL is super tight with the ex-wife - who is ALL drama. I just don't get why the SDIL's even care..they both live in the same small town and don't have much more to do than gossip.

Rastabear's picture

My SD26 is not genetically related to my DH but he raised her as his own child since she was a toddler. Her BM told her he is not her real father when she was 12 but sadly her BF didn't want to know her.
SD26 still acts like a child always "emotional" she wants " always involved in his relationship" I asked my DH if she wants threesome ?! I was just kidding but I found so weird that she wants to get involve in our decisions making process arranging engagement and wedding.
reading this threads and found out it's actually common and some of the above comments explained where she comes from!!!
SD26 now does not talk to DH coz she doesn't feel loved and accused him of putting his new wife as his priority ! I told my DH that she will always has the sense of insecurities no matter what we say or what we do and she is the one has to work hard in order to improve her relationship with her father!!!

sandye21's picture

Good for you for getting SD out of managing your marriage. I found that it is a lot easier if I don't discuss SD at all with DH. If he brings her up I will just say "Hmm" and change the subject. That way he can not get defensive, and eventually he will see her behavior for himself. I agree SD should be the one to reach out but entitled, self-centered people never see it that way.

By the way, your marriage SHOULD be DH's top priority. When children are small they are top responsibility. When they are adults they take on responsibility for themselves.

Rastabear's picture

>If he brings her up I will just say "Hmm" and change the subject.
Sounds like a good strategy that I can use in future thanks to Sandye21.
I always thought our marriage should comes first but I felt wrong to verbally express coz it may hurt her feeling as she's always being a touchy one. I think she uses it as a weapon to get what ever she wants and you all know men aren't not so good at handling overly emotional women.