Adult SS and vacation
My boyfriend has three children, two teens and one 19 yr old son. We have gone on one vacation all together once before and we are planning another trip for this year. I would like to go with just the two teens. I feel that the adult son doesn't need to go on every vacation with us. I think its fine to do a few trips with adult children, I sometimes go with my mom but I don't think it needs to be a yearly thing. There are a couple other issues I have about bringing the adult son. First, he is very clingy to his dad, yes even at this age, and I feel like I can't breath most of the time with him around. The two teens are fine, they do their own thing and sometimes leave us for a little bit but we always meet back up. The adult son never leaves his dads side, literally at the hip the whole time. The other issue is that I pay for most of the travel cost for everyone. I have a decent job and I don't have any kids. Most of my BF's money goes to his kids for child support and other expenses. (Just as a side, I also pay for all the living expenses for my and my BF). I don't want to pay for his adult son to go on the vacation with us. Also the son just plays on his phone the whole time and doesn't even seem to care where we are so I get a little resentful that I pay so much money for him to do something he could have done at home. When we were on the last trip he only wanted to go where his dad went. We tried to get him to go to the beach for a little while with his sisters to give us some time alone and he did but then we learned from the girls that he only went with them for about 20 min then just went back to the hotel room. I just don't know how to deal with this situation. I understand that it could be seen as excluding his other "child" but I don't see him as a child. I see him as an adult. He has a job and it is his first job and I know he doesn't make a lot of money but I feel that he either shouldn't go on this trip or that he should pay for some portion of his cost if he wants to go. The problem is my BF does not see him as an adult. I am more than willing to take his underage children and pay for them with no complaint. Any advice?
Just say no.
Just say no.
lol. If it was only that
lol. If it was only that easy. I will get backlash from my BF and the ex-wife. I think I need to find a way to get my BF to see his son as an adult if I have any hope of breaking the dependency cycle. Unfortunately, I don't think that will be accomplished in a few months time. I'm sure the ex-wife will be mad that the son would be excluded and I know I shouldn't care about her opinion and that it is our decision but she can make things very miserable between me and my BF so that we wouldn't even be able to enjoy the vacation. The BF also has difficulty stating boundaries to the ex, another layer of complication to my situation. It has improved very slowly over the years but some progress has been made so I remain hopeful. For example, the ex wife still expects us to take the 19 yr old every other weekend for dad's weekend with the other two kids.
A life lesson you need to
A life lesson you need to learn - NOBODY gets to tell you have to spend the income you earn unless it is court ordered.
ESPECIALLY the ex-wife. If they get mad they can get unmad.
No way. You already pay for
No way. You already pay for all the living expenses plus vacation costs. While BF's money goes to BM, without you they would all be broke and there would be no vacations, period.
"I will get backlash from my BF and the ex-wife."
Then they won't have a problem paying for it. No-one in their right mind would be expecting you to pay on top of everything else you do.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments. I actually feel acknowledged and it feels good. Your saying all the things I say in my head but then I feel guilty and selfish. Its true that everyone's financial situation has improved since I came around. The ex-eife hadn't worked for years and she recently got a job so I am hoping to see more changes soon. I don't mind paying the rent portion of the living cost for me and my BF for a few more years until his he is done with child support, 4 more years for the youngest child, but I do wish he would help out with the bills more regularly. I see all his finances, except I don't really know what he gives the ex, and I think he should at least be able to do this. I think going forward I will start with the compromise that on vacations I will pay for me and him, but he has to pay for his kids expenses. We do a lot of trips, just the two of us and I know the teens are a little upset about it because they make comments. They tell people that we go everywhere "without them". But we take them places all the time on the weekends that we have them, nice restaurants, movies, shopping, and waterpark passes every year etc. so I don't feel they are "neglected" by us. I have tried talking with them and explaining that it cost 3x more to take all of them and we can't afford to do that but that we will still go places together sometimes. I don't want them turning into spoiled brats that feel entitled to trips all the time. Their mom doesn't take them on trips because she has two other kids and a stepchild so to take everyone thats 8 ppl total which they probably can't afford to do often at all. Growing up with 3 kids my parents couldn't afford to take us on big vacations so we did little things and I never thought anything about it. We just enjoyed each others company no matter what we were doing or where we were at. Sometimes in the summer my parents would take us for a weekend to a local hotel so we could swim at the pool. It still felt like a getaway because it was something different even though we were still in the same city lol.
You have a bigger issue than
You have a bigger issue than a vacation issue.
If you are making sure the bills are paid, and you don't know how much he "gives the ex" then you don't have a stable grasp on it. Is he paying ONLY CS, or above and beyond CS?
And if he doesn't have enough to cover his standard living expenses then cut down on the trips and perks. It's life and kids need to understand that not everyone can do everything.
I was 'helping' too much at first as well, and I sure as heck cut back. Even now, we are trying to pay off bills and have only done one big trip this year, and NO big trips this year with the SDs. SD14 complains, but we tell her, hey, you have gone to x and y and z in the past 1.5 years and that's a lot more travel that most kids get in 5 years. We cannot afford more, period. She can whine all she wants.
And my DH just the other day was talking about doing a family "snow sport" trip - uh huh. I don't have the $$, none of us has the equipment, the SDs don't have the clothes at all. You go price it out and let me know...I just say "No. If you want to spend your money then fine, however, we need to pay off debt and we need to get the (literally falling apart) kitchen counter replaced this spring. So if you want to spend it on travel, you go right ahead."
Why worry about taking the 19
Why worry about taking the 19 year olf on vacation, when your boyfriend is leeching off of you?
Why do WANT to on vacation with a grown ass man that can't/won't support himself? Why are ANY of his kids going on vacation if he can't afford for them to go? Hell, why he going on trips that he can't afford?
Stop allowing yourself to be used. You shouldn't have to buy a man. There plenty of decent men out there. Toss that loser/user back and find a real man.
Don't be surprised if your BF walks away from this relationship once the youngest child ages out. That is what users usually do.
He's really a wonderful and
He's really a wonderful and loving guy and he feels guilty that he can't help out more financially right now. We have made a financial plan together to both be in a better and more fair to me position in about two years. But he does has blinders on when it comes to his kids and that causes issues. He has a good job but after paying medical for him and all his kids, child support and car payment he doesn't have much left. Also he spends about $200 on the kids every other weekend they come over so thats another $400 a month on top of the child support. I know he does that out of guilt from not being their primary caretaker like most "Disneyland dads" do. But he has a good heart and helps me out in every other aspect. He cleans, cooks, supports me in anything I want to do, treats me respectfully, takes care of me when I'm sick, etc. all that good stuff. But he just doesn't see clearly where his kids are involved. Most of the time it is just me and him and our daily life together is great but things get turned upside down a bit when the kids are involved.
As for the traveling, thats my choice to spend my money on and he is my chosen companion. I love going places with him and I waited years to find someone I wanted to travel the world with. I am finally financially able to travel and I don't intend to give that up. I want to make sure I see all the places I wanted to see in my life while I'm still young enough to enjoy all the walking around. I'm in my mid 30's and I only started traveling about three yrs ago so I have some catching up to do. I wish I would have started traveling in my 20's.
LOLOLOL How would this man
LOLOLOL
How would this man live if he were single? Would he figure out a way to pay his CS and living expenses or find another woman to con/use?
I agree that you should know
I agree that you should know what his expenses are that are related to child support and his ex-wife. He is spending $400.00 a month on their visitation where those funds should go towards his share of the bills. Why should his guilt cost you money.
If you want t vacation with him and treat him with less guilt about it buy him these trips as his birthday and Christmas presents and at least it will be just the 2 of you. I don’t believe adult kids should be getting free vacations they can pay there own way and it’s not up to you to cover costs for his minor children.
Your DH can plan and pay for smaller trips such as camping /tenting with the kids over a long weekend which is more in line with his budget.
"He's really a wonderful and
"He's really a wonderful and loving guy and he feels guilty that he can't help out more financially right now."
If he felt guilty he would not be expecting free gifts in the form of vacations for his teen children; he would be working more so he could contribute. You're being played.
Since you are paying most of
Since you are paying most of the household expenses, you deserve to know why he can't pay his share. Sit down and do a budget. As part of the budget, you need to know what he is paying in child support and any extras to the ex. Make him show you the court paperwork so you know the truth. If he can't afford to pay his share of expenses, you should not be paying for vacations for his kids.
"As for the traveling, that's
"As for the traveling, that's my choice to spend my money on and he is my chosen companion. I love going places with him and I waited years to find someone I wanted to travel the world with. I am finally financially able to travel and I don't intend to give that up."
I understand this. I have way more assets than my DH. He gave up a promising young business to move to my area and be with me. He'd had many successful business adventures prior to me so I am sure this would have been successful too. It was a big sacrifice for him financially and professionally. He'd invested a lot of time and effort prior to meeting me.
As I was retired and was used to traveling multiple times a year with no work restrictions it worked out best for DH to go ahead and retire also. It wasn't just an "Oh boy I don't have to work anymore" from DH. It was a sacrifice for him and quite an adjustment.
But as much as I love my DH and traveling with him I WILL NOT SUPPORT OR PAY FOR HIS CHILDREN in any way. My DH had two sons when we met. One is now deceased. Oh I did pay to include his younger son a few times early on. But NEVERMORE. Quite frankly his children and grandchildren do not get to mooch off of me. But my DH is a great guy so this is never a problem with us.
Please don't let your DH guilt you into paying for crap for his spawn. Shame on him for even suggesting such.
Wake up, you should know how
Wake up, you should know how much money he gets month and where that money is going. What his court order CS is. Should be around 30% of take home. Half of medical ifhe paying more than that you have a problem. He will always give kids and EX money, and you will always be paiding the bills
Ugh...I have a daughter who
Ugh...I have a daughter who is playing sugar mama to her very irresponsible just got out of jail boyfriend. It's infuriating to see her work her ass of and not be able to save any money because it all goes to the man baby.
I'm sure OP's parents are biting their tongues hard so as not to alienate their daughter; I know I am! I said my piece and backed off. Hopefully she comes to her senses sooner rather than later.
Lady Tea, I supported my DH
Lady Tea, I supported my DH when he was putting SD through college, paid for SD's health insurance,1/2 of all expenses - including when we took SD with us on vacations. I thought I was helping. Like you, I was too nice and I was plain stupid. SD treated me like dog poop, SD and DH never acknowledged my contribution to making their lives easier. When I told DH he was going to have to pay for 1/2 of the living expenses he became irate. But when I told him it was either that or leaving, he realised paying 1/2 of the living expenses was a lot cheaper than living on his own.
My suggestion is to let your BF live on his own with his kids until he can get his finances straightened out - and don't pay for another thing for him or any of the skids. His reaction to this will tell you just how much he values you as a person of how much he values your wallet. I can guarantee you that your BF will not be too happy about it. You are literally throwing your money away.
You pay all of the living
You pay all of the living expenses (and vacations) for your boyfriend but he spends $400.00 a month EXTRA on his kids when they visit? And you have no idea what he gives the ex?
Honestly, I don't know how some of these men can look in the mirror.