SS out and appears BM may not want him
Well the BM or should I say poison, alienating, ridulously disfunctional BM got her wish and has her son full-time now. An emotional battle she waged by putting her son in the middle and pressuring him to make this choice to prove "her family is better". Her decision to leave DH years ago for another man was the right one - yes - oh yes - that is right.
Interesting enough - every chance she gets she is leaving him alone in the house. Yup, overnight. Here you go - here is your frozen pizza and video game and I am off again. Figure out how to get to work today.
She scheduled vacation and SS was supposed to go on a separate one with another adult. Well the other cancelled out and well BM didn't. She flew off on plane and "bye" bye" and left him along from Saturday morning till what was supposed to be Tuesday night. Someone got sick while on vacation with them - so she then stayed an extra couple days continuing to leave SS along. Plenty of "others" that could stay but she stepped right up. After all - it is only her son who has been alone in a house in the woods for 4 nights. In case you are wondering he is 16. My husband, his dad, spent everyday taking him to/from school as she lives in different district and also back & forth to work and also out to eat. No worry - hey - what mom doesn't leave their kid alone?
Keep in mind a few months ago after years of making our home a "hell house" with his hatred towards me and everyone else in the house, chose to move out and in with McDreamy Mom. The woman that kisses his boo boos and tells him she loves him 20 times as she is pulling away to do something more important like night out with friends or skiing with hubby.
So this has gotten very sad. SS has not asked to come back. He has a video game addiction and stomach issues and emotional issues that are not being addressed. BM dropped two counselors that we got for him in the past - kept cancelling appointments and discouraging SS from going. "oh baby - you don't have to go - (and gee I don't have to drive then or share the cost of a $30 co-pay).
Now our house on the other hand is now HUMAN AGAIN. The other 3 kids doing well and we have some peace in our home. They don't want him back either because of how awful his behavior was. Blessing he is not coming back. I can walk around without having someone poking and psychologically abusing me all day with passive aggressive activities. Amazing how people don't realize that a 16 year old is an almost adult and CAN be abusive towards people that are kind and nice. A 16 year old is not some poor wittle kid that is always the VICTIM. No, he made US the victoms and was empowered and encouraged by two woman in his life that gave him the thumbs up to reject and abuse the new family in dad's life. Although BM left DH for another man - and started her own "MCDREAMY" family yrs before - apparently DH was supposed to be lonely and fail but instead found love. Shame on him.
One thing that counselors need to understand - The teens are not in charge and the message has to be clear for them to "adapt" to the new family as well. Although adults can be coached and helped to make a smooth transition and show love & affection to the teen. However, when there is a blatent refusal to adapt because the kid has decided to keep pushing and pushing to force the SM and her kids out then THEY need to leave. Over 3 years of that nonsense is enough. This same kid gave his mom a hard time and made life miserable for two years when she hooked up with her new guy and his kids. But apparently then he was 8 years old and when a kid is now 12-13 years old - getting them to blend into a new family gets tougher. Age does matter with blended families. Personalities too.
SS would rather live with BM who has made sure to brainwash him into thinking that she is the most important and most loyal person in his life and the only person he can trust. Be careful that what you wish for is really what you want BM.
Maybe in 10 years he will figure out and see how much we cared about him. Maybe not.
Life is really a trip when you try so hard and just have to accept that someone is on a different path and has to learn the hard way what love really is and what trust is and who the people are that really really wanted to care for them. Perhaps he will spend the rest of his life taking care of her.
Thanks for listening. I am not looking for critism or judgement. I am life experienced and understand all that happened and no one was in my shoes. It was difficult for me to watch this happen but I know I can walk away knowing I did EVERYTHING I COULD but it is the other adults that let this kid down. I hug my 2 children everyday and I hug my SD & pray that they are protected by all the angels from the negativity and poison people in their lives. Let your kid enjoy their new families!!! That is my message. Want for your kid to love both households and not feel like they have to CHOOSE.
The end of a long road but I don't think it is over yet. I pray the best for him. I pray one day he comes to me with a smile on his face but I doubt it. His road is long ahead and such a dark soul that I hope finds light in his life.
We did a legal letter to
We did a legal letter to force counseling cause BM kept skirt-tailing around it. So we finally got him to see a counselor and the counselors whole focus was on pleasing SS.
She questioned us about what we made for dinner - while we watched this BRAT poke & fuss over my meals because his mom only feeds him junk and I actually cooked real food. So he poked and made faces for the first year. Finally counselor realized he was being a brat about the food as SS was trying to paint it that I wasn't cooking what HE LIKED. Total BS.
The counselor was so useless and literally caught the BM in lies and sugar coated them and pretended they didn't exist.
Counselor refused to see the poisoning and alienation by the mom. It was blatent and examples presented.
SS would do all sorts of things in our house because he didn't like it that I wanted him to put toilet seats down, his own dishes in the dishwasher after dinner. The smallest requests or expectations were made into huge deals and his mom and grandmother invented this "SM RULES" thing and made fun of me for wanting to run a household. My expectations were bare minimal and reasonable and he hourly and daily would do stuff like leaving the faucet going, leaving seats up (he would turn all 3 bathroom seats up before he left for moms).
Counselor kept saying "well do you see why he is acting up and not being cooperative" and excusing his behavior.
His behavior was unreasonable, undeserved and he tried on a number of occasions to get my husband to break up with me and get my kids and I out of the house. My kids aren't perfect but they are GOOD GOOD hearted kids and my SD as well and we are loving people that did not deserve such a nasty hateful person around us.
AMEN! Yes. Situation sounds
AMEN! Yes. Situation sounds similiar. DH does see his son quite a bit but his son has CLEARLY not agreed to the terms. The terms if he wants to come back are that he sees a family counselor with us and also that he changes his behavior in our home. Guess what? He hasn't asked to come back and it is becuz he has every intention on not changing. He is old enough to know better.
There are other people to consider and he was the 1 of 4 kids who wouldn't play nice.
I agree with you. I believe
I agree with you. I believe that these kids need to be held accountable for their actions. SD was 13 when she started all this crap. She wanted to live with BM and as bad as that decision was for her and her future, my home is great and peaceful. She is not welcome back. She has failed multiple classes and is now in danger of not graduating. She created this mess, when she made the decision that mom was more fun and dad was too strict. Someday hopefully, DH can have a relationship with her. I just don't see a time, when her brother or step brother or myself will. You treat us all like crap and eventually we get tired of it.
As much as life is peaceful now, I know someday she will screw up to the point that BM will say to DH she is your problem and he knows I will leave. So I sit, everyday and wait for that day. It is not here yet, but I am sure it is coming.
I hope that doesn't happen as
I hope that doesn't happen as I know exactly how you feel right now. We have peace in our house. I don't want the trouble back. SS is doing the same - grades going down - video game addiction worse - and he is also giving her a hard time now as she admitted.
BM is very passive aggressive so she can play up her mom's illness and keep on leaving him alone in hopes he will ask to move back in with dad. I think she sunk him. She wanted to keep poking and poisoning but forgot that if he didn't like it with us - now she loses her free fun time with hubby. Oh well. Good luck!!!! Hope she doesn't come back and if she does that she grows up.
I could have written
I could have written that.
SS20 ran to his Mommy when he got out of jail (told DSO he would live with paternal Gpa 2 miles from us so he could help DSO and vice versa). Was supposed to have a full time job and complete his GED. Been fired from 2 jobs for not showing up and quit the Adult school bc you see, BM doesn't believe in school or work. SS texts DSO once a week wanting our old truck, clothes, money etc. One thing I can't bitch about is DSO was raised that at 18, you are on your own and that is how he treats SS20...He wanted to live with BM, DSO won't help him out.
So sad but we just don't have
So sad but we just don't have control over this and can't fix it. The power of MOMMY is big and I wish all mom's saw that. My kids have a step -mom and I shut my trap about her. If they complain about her I play it down. Nope - not going to do it.
Enjoy your family now & maybe
Enjoy your family now & maybe someday there will be a relationship with skids. But sometimes situations are "no win" situations and it IS the BM that sets the tone for dad's new family. Once they plant the hate seeds it is hard to stop them from growing.
Enjoy the little ones!!!
ha ha ha ha.....isn't it
ha ha ha ha.....isn't it great? And when she left him for a week to go on vacation (he doesn't drive yet) she left him 2 boxes of mac&cheese and two frozen pizzas. She told him to use his own money to guy anything else.
So the child support goes towards: skiing, boating, hair coloring & styling for mom, Monday night trip to restaurant EVERY week, weekend fun and babysitters!!!! WHOO HOOO!!! She got the new guy - cheated with her BFs husband for months before the spouses found out - and then COLLECTS from the guy she committed adultry on.
Last 3 years in a row she will tell kids before school that she is broke and can't afford to buy them clothes for school.
Only way to handle the unfairness is to hope for karma down the line. Nothing specific - just karma.
Good point and the other good
Good point and the other good point is the brat isn't in our house making our lives unbearable and putting continued pressure on our lives to try to intentionally try to break up our family. This kid knew exactly what he is doing!!!! Unhappy, sad, unfortunate, tragic - but a no win!!!
So sorry to hear what has
So sorry to hear what has happened. I often look at these situations and think "maybe it is best to get out of it" if it is this bad. I am remarried and have my own two kids involved and SS is GONE so pressure is off. My SD is good and likes it at our home. So 3 out of 4 kids happy is good.
My guess is that BM would have screwed the kid up with or without a divorce. Divorce is often not the real issue - it is often the kid was emotionally troubled to begin with. I see that with my SS. BM is emotionally troubled and so is SS. Glad he is there.
I had a friend who dated briefly a man who had two teens and an alcoholic x wife. She realized soon into relationship that the dad was enabling the x wife to do what she was doing (drinking) and then when she found herself at hospital with her boyfriend cause the boyfriend's son tried to committ suicide. So sad but she RAN away as fast as possible. She broke up with him next day and said "this is too much for me". She has two children of her own to think about and they are doing great. NOW, she met another man that is wonderful and NOT with these issues. Two kids but still kids are doing ok and she at least has more of a chance with him. No rush of course.
I hope something really good comes your way. Maybe from this experience it will open the door to better.
So sorry to hear what has
So sorry to hear what has happened. I often look at these situations and think "maybe it is best to get out of it" if it is this bad. I am remarried and have my own two kids involved and SS is GONE so pressure is off. My SD is good and likes it at our home. So 3 out of 4 kids happy is good.
My guess is that BM would have screwed the kid up with or without a divorce. Divorce is often not the real issue - it is often the kid was emotionally troubled to begin with. I see that with my SS. BM is emotionally troubled and so is SS. Glad he is there.
I had a friend who dated briefly a man who had two teens and an alcoholic x wife. She realized soon into relationship that the dad was enabling the x wife to do what she was doing (drinking) and then when she found herself at hospital with her boyfriend cause the boyfriend's son tried to committ suicide. So sad but she RAN away as fast as possible. She broke up with him next day and said "this is too much for me". She has two children of her own to think about and they are doing great. NOW, she met another man that is wonderful and NOT with these issues. Two kids but still kids are doing ok and she at least has more of a chance with him. No rush of course.
I hope something really good comes your way. Maybe from this experience it will open the door to better.