Aging out of "Dad" weekends
My boyfriend has three children, ages 14, 17 and 19. They see him every other weekend. I plan everything around their weekends. The 14 and 17 yr old are at that age where friends are the most important thing and have busy social lives. Sometimes they choose not to come over for the weekend because they have something else going on. So since they are choosing not to come over that means we get a bonus weekend to ourselves right? Wrong, the 19 yr old still comes over by himself for the whole weekend. My question is at what point do these scheduled "dad" weekends stop for the 19 yr old? I'm not saying not to spend time with the 19 yr old but he can take him to dinner, movies, activities etc. but the idea that our whole weekend needs to be catered to the 19 yr old bothers me. When I was 18 I was in college and working part time. On weekends I didn't expect my mom to drop her plans and attend to me all weekend, and its not because we don't love each other but we had grown into our adult relationship. We would hang out and visit but didn't ever want to impede each others lives in any way. So like I stated, I feel that there should be a conversation held with the 19yr old about his "dad" weekends to explain that he is an adult now and that relationships grow and change. I don't have children so I wanted a second opinion on this subject and how to best approach this with his dad. Oh and by the way his dad often treats him like a child, treats him differently then the 14 and 17 yr olds.
Apparently your boyfriend
Apparently your boyfriend wants to continue these weekends. All you can do is disengage. Make your own plans and do what you enjoy on those weekends - alone. Dad and son can do their own thing.
Do your own thing and your BF
Do your own thing and your BF will hopefully get the hint.
I feel that there should be a
I feel that there should be a conversation held with the 19yr old about his "dad" weekends to explain that he is an adult now and that relationships grow and change.
I think you need to have a conversation with your boyfriend and communicate your expectations to him.
I see nothing wrong with telling the 19 year old that now that he's an adult, plans need to be made ahead of time, instead of him just assuming he's spending the usual weekends there.
But first, your boyfriend needs to know that you would like that to happen.
I agree. But I don't think
I agree. But I don't think that its quite the same thing I'm talking about. I'm talking about the 19 yr old coming every other weekend, all weekend, like clockwork for the rest of his life. A situation that frightens me. lol Not that I don't like him, I do, its just a little strange to me.
Thank you for that comment.
Thank you for that comment. That actually makes me feel a little better about the situation. It makes it seem a little less weird when put that way. I hope that is the case here.
Except, it doesn't sound like
Except, it doesn't sound like they are forging a new relationship or that your SS is growing as a man. Don't be surprised if one weekend, he doesn't leave at all and just moves in so your BF can keep babying him.
That is something that I have
That is something that I have thought about in the back of my mind and I am not ok with. And again, its not because I don't like his son but I feel that the son is being held back rather then getting help to grow as a man. I think his level of dependence needs to be weaned. For example one time we went to a party and took him with us, we were leaving early because we had to work the next day but the son said he wasn't ready to leave yet. To which I replied "when other people drive you, its up to them when you leave. If you don't like this then you should consider driving yourself". And I wasn't saying it to be mean but these are just the little life adult lessons I think he is naive of.
I think the answer is that
I think the answer is that when the 19 year old comes to visit, you don't plan everything around his visit. Go about your normal life. You're talking about 2 out of 14 days. I have plenty of things I would do to fill those days.
Men respond much better to actions than words. I think you may come across as selfish complaining about 4 days a month. Do your own thing.
What is the 19 year old doing with the rest of his time? That is what I would be most concerned about. Working full time? Going to college? Launching, somehow? The answer to that will probably reveal how long this will continue.
The 19 son is a good person
The 19 son is a good person but lacks motivation, I think. Barely graduation high school, tried community college for a couple semesters, failed all classes. He did briefly get a job but only for about a month. When hes over he does what he always does, he is just on his phone all the time. It's ok if academics are not for him but in that case I think he should spend more time job hunting.
Man. I had this exact same
Man. I had this exact same issue with my SS who is now 19. His older sister quit coming over the second she turned 18 and kind of blew her dad off for about 8 months before she started making overtures again...she was just so ready to be out the door.
I expected the same or at least a relatively quick tapering off for SS, but no such luck. He and YSD (who was 16 at the time) kept coming over like clockwork. I was so ready for him to move on.
It has finally happened and SS is moving to a town about 4 hours away to start a degree program in August. Hallelujah! I'm with you...it's awkward to have a basically full-grown man coming over for visitation with daddy and being treated like a child.
What you should do is NOT cater to him or revolve your whole weekend around him. You be gone on his weekends or at least make yourself highly unavailable. When your SO has to do all of the catering, I think the relationship dynamic will shift.
Out of curiosity...are your other two stepkids girls? I think my DH babies SS compared to his daughters, which is really weird.
Yes the other two are girls.
Yes the other two are girls. Which I find odd, I would think that the girls would be babied more, you know the saying is "daddy's girl"
It is weird and so closely
It is weird and so closely mirrors my situation. DH and BM both kind of baby SS and assume basic incompetence / do a lot for him. The girls have to figure life out on their own, for the most part...there's assumed competence and independence there.
DH does sometimes still baby the girls, in my opinion. But not nearly to the degree as SS...and not in the same way, if that makes sense. With the girls, it's more about creature comforts and extras like treats and such. With SS...it's much more the basics of life like opening bank accounts, paying for travel...paying rent...etc.
My DH babies SS over SD as
My DH babies SS over SD as well. I think it's weird that SS still hangs on DH and DH hangs on SS like he's 4. The kid is 5'8 and 145lbs. But DH barely hugs SD13 anymore. I wonder if it's because of the boobs. Not weird to DH to have a someone the size of a grown man hang on him but it is weird to hug daughter with boobs?? Don't know.
I actually wish they did do
I actually wish they did do more, what I consider "constructive" things together for this stage in his life. I want his dad to spend a good portion of the time with him teaching him how to get a job and be an adult. Instead they mostly play games on their phones together. We are only about a 15 min drive from the mom's house where the 19 yr old lives now. When he is over it is just like how it was when he was younger. Everything from where we go to breakfast to what we do that weekend involves and revolves around the son.
We had a similar issue only
We had a similar issue only it was with my BS. When he was old enough to drive, he pretty much went back and forth between my house and the XH as his schedule allowed. He was in sports and other activities and we lived 1 1/2 hours from the XH. There were many weekends that we didn't have the SS's and BS would chose to stay at home. The last few years, BS didn't like being here with the SS's because they were so difficult. And yes, there were times it was frustrating. However, I didn't tell BS he couldn't come over. We just went ahead with whatever we had planned for that weekend. Typically it meant DH and I having our Date Night on Friday nights. My DH works Saturdays so I would spend the day with BS and then DH and I would do what we wanted Saturday evening and sunday. It was tough for BS to get used to us just going and leaving him at home but he got over it soon enough and started planning his own things to do with his friends. It helped push him to be more independent.
You and your DH need to go about your plans as you see fit. Your SS is an adult and able to fend for himself. He does not need total entertainment or companionship.
It might be worth mentioning
It might be worth mentioning that the 19 yr old doesn't drive. Has a license but doesn't want to drive. Which means that we have to pick him up and drop him off and during the weekend he is there we literally take him everywhere with us if we leave the house to feed him etc. I think things might be easier if I was able to still just go about the weekend as I normally would when he's there but he is very dependent, in my opinion.
Your boyfriend is really
Your boyfriend is really doing his son a disservice by allowing him to be so dependent.
My SD26 and her mother have a co-dependent relationship and it's very sad.
We don't have a car he could
We don't have a car he could use but I believe he has access to one at his mom's. But that's not the issue, even if we bought him a car, the issue is he doesn't "want" to drive. And I really don't know what to do about that. As for the food issue, it goes back to my boyfriend babying him. I feel he treats him more like a 9yr old then 19yr old. I think he should be capable of making his own meals at this point and he is welcome to any food in the house when he is there. My boyfriend would not want is to leave him at the house while we go out because he doesn't have a car and will be alone, which are thoughts that I just can't wrap my mind around. We don't have children together and won't have any and its a good thing because our parenting styles would be completely different. I think one main goal of raising children should be to raise them for adulthood because it is inevitable that they grow up.
That's exactly what I say in
That's exactly what I say in my head most of the time. But the BF gets angry and defensive if I say things like that out loud. I have a 20 yr old nephew that I try to use to compare him with in a way. I thought it might help so like I would say something like "if I don't treat my 20 yr old nephew like that, why would I treat your son like that" they are around the same age." I don't think it's working though. I guess I'm just trying to figure out something that could help get the BF to see how much he hinders him by keeping him so dependent. The BF is all heart, but little structure/rules.
In reality the issue isn't
In reality the issue isn't with your SS it is with your DH. And there isn't much you can do to change your DH except start leaving him at home to go do your own thing on the weekends SS is there. Your DH is stunting his growth and maturity. You won't have to worry about a 19 yr old taking over your weekends, you will eventually have to worry about a 40 year old living in your basement because he has never launched.
With the information given,
With the information given, the 19 year old sounds like a gamer, babied, or both. He's likely introverted too maybe?
In any case, the dad doesn't sound like he has a problem with it. If it were me, I wouldn't say anything. I'd just make plans for myself and go off without them. It may take a bit, but your DH will get the hint. A lot of kids today are being raised very dependent and you can't undo that in a father son talk. It took a long time of coddled parenting to do that-- your DH and SS's mom.
I would not say a word.
I would not say a word. Disengage from the situation entirely. To try to interfere will only be an endless battle; You should choose your own battles.
Call a friend and spend the weekend taking a road trip, shopping, whatever; it will probably only take a couple of weekends of you doing your own thing; BF will realize what is happening (maybe).