New to Disengaging...and nervous
I have posted on this site a few times but in different forum areas. This is my first post in disengagement becuase sadly I feel that it is the stage that I might be in now. ( Background: together with bf for 10 years, he has three children D17, D19, and S22. Reason for disengagement is to try and wean back the every other weekend visitataions that take over. ) Okay, so back to the present, I am considering starting to disengage but i am nervous becuase I don't want to break up. I feel like this might drive a wedge between us and that is not the purpose I intended. I just want to try something more drastic to hopefully get the bf to see that this really is a problem for me. I want him to see it and feel it, not just hear it from me verbally aka nagging. I want us to acknowledge the problem and work together to find a solution. So this weekend was the "kids" weekend (every other weekend, every year, is marked off on my calendar as the kids weekend) and he picked up his son early but his girls were driving themselves over later. They never came which meant that we did a son only weekend, which I told him I didn't want to do anymore. Anyways, so I basically ignored them both and stayed in my room except coming out for dinner, which I didn't make because I am not making dinners for them anymore, and to watch a few minutes of TV. I felt like a jerk and I could tell my bf was really hurt and sad. We are always together, even with the kids, and my disengagement was definitely noticeable. Mostly I am just venting here but I do have a question, has disengagement worked for anyone to help thier relationship or is it just another downward step towards the inevitable break up? If I don't want to break up should I be trying something else instead?
Disengaging is not ignoring
Disengaging is not ignoring anyone. What it does mean is bio parent , well PARENTS.
Bio parent makes sure the room is clean, homework complete. Bio parent makes sure wash is done. Bio parents makes sure there is enough food inside the home for his kids. Stuff like that.
That's your home too if you live there. Do as you normally do. IF you wake up at 7am, sit and have coffee then make breakfast..thats is what you do. OF course you ask if anyone wants some. Because that is polite.
Ask for help to clean up...and go about your day.
Hope that helps a little. Just be yourself....no need ot hide. Unless you want to.
Never be rude though...that is just ugly.
Edit to add...I didnt have to disengage because my husband is a great dad. He did mostly everything when his kids were present.
Thank you for help clarifying
Thank you for help clarifying. Most of the post I have read on disengagement talk about going off by yourself and doing what you want to do and to me that sounds like ignoring and leaving them to fend for themselves. So I guess I'm still a little confused. I stayed in my room because I didn't want to engage with them, I just relaxed alone and read a book instead. I wasn't trying to be rude but I am trying to get my bf to see that I'm not happy with his adult son staying the night every other weekend. I'm fine with him visiting but I expect him to go home, or I should say be taken home aftter because he does not drive. I think that if I hung out with them like everything was just fine then thats the message that sends. But the message I want to send is that, things are not fine like this. I just think it is too much at the son's age and I was looking forward to not having to do the whole weekend anymore on a schedule.
You have alread been through
You have alread been through the most difficult time... They are all older and only one son that comes over every other weekend and stays one night...??? I wish that were my case. I would love to be in your situation. Try to compromise.... I am assuming he sleeps over at most 4 times a month..?? Is he going to school? Does he have a job? You mentioned "adult son"..? In either case if he is out of high school, he needs to get a part time job and he should be going to school. I would even offer to take him to work until he gets a driver license. Once he starts doing adult like things, he will also find his own path and eventually not want to sleep over his dad's... People tend to do and want exactly the oppossite of what you tell them..
Why in the world are his
Why in the world are his ADULT children coming over every other weekend. The 17-year-old, okay - the other two? NOPE. And especially not the grown man who apparently doesn't drive?
Time to make clear to him that you are not okay with this - when will it end? When they get married, or will their spouses come over then, too?
I'd propose you guys do a biweekly dinner for SD19 and SS22, and only SD17 gets to come for the weekend. Have you told him flat out that you are over this and need it to stop?
It is really beneficial for
It is really beneficial for my mental stress to see that I am not the only one having issues. My story is so much more complicated.... Nothing against the kids, but given that they have a mother which they grew up with in another state, I truly want them to start moving back once they turn 18. My bf and I got into a really big argument.... He says that I am not going to tell him what to do with his kids.... Not to mention that this is my house, yes he has fixed it up, but my kids which are out of high school have busy lives. They live in my other home and they are doing well with school, work, friends, etc..... So if I chose to be with my bf shouldn't he do the same???
Yes I have told him several
Yes I have told him several times. I am a very honest and blunt person, sometimes people have a less nice name for us that starts with a "B" lol. I don't mince words but I am also very patient, probably to a fault. I have suggested the dinner or lunch instead of whole weekend. I don't know a "nice" way to say that the 17y can come over but not the other two without hurting thier feelings. I don't want to hurt thier feelings, I want them to know why we are changing things, so they can start to adult. Also the two girls are besties, which is great, they go everywhere together, so thats hard to. The son doesn't interact with anyone barely and is just on his phone the whole time. The son has a license but he does not want to drive, he holds down a full time job that he is able to walk to.
If the couple has a
If the couple has a foundation of equity life partnership where the marriage and each other come first as the unequivocal priority then ... yes. Disengagement can work. Kids cannot be the priority in any marriage and have that marriage be a low risk to end commitment. IN blended families, as in intact initial families, kids are the top marital responsibility. Another key element for blended marriages to work is that both parners need to be equity parents to any children in the home regardless of kid biology. If one partner does not like how the other parents then... they can step up and get it done before the other has to.
It can work. Though I am not a huge proponent of disengagement. Why give up a significant part of your relationship because of an ill behaved little shit of a kid?
It's a Gift You Choose To Give Yourself & When You Get Off The
Merry Go Round ON YOUR TERMS you send a plain and clear message. He is responsible for HIS KIDS, NOT YOU.
Disengagement means different things to different women, depending on their situations. For some it means they stop doing ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING for kids that are not yours. They simply concern themselves with THEIR KIDS, and THEIR DESIRES.
Some disengage by allowing the adult "kids" to visit, but go "gray rock" and have no conversation with them or offer them anything to eat or drink.
Others flat our REFUSE TO BE IN THEIR PRESENCE, period. That is where I am at. Not DOING IT!
It all boils down to your man and him not manning up and taking care of HIS KIDS. Not your problem. And if you're feeling spent, tired and stressed over this dynamic, then you have no other option than to preserve your sanity and get off the merry go round.
Same here
I haven’t agreed with how my DH has handled his children (son 17, daughter 13), I don't think he should have hidden his head in the sand and not confronted their behaviour, preferring instead to direct his ‘admonishments’ at me.
October 2018, after many disagreements, I made it clear i didn't want anything to do with them, so now DH goes to see them every week, I don't get involved. This decision was not taken lightly, but it allowed me to detach, take some time away, gain some distance from the upset and stop thinking emotionally. I wanted to gain clarity and acknowledge my part in the problem, be better able to assess things and hopefully make wise decisions. sooooooo......
Now, I'm now at the stage where I'm ok with his son visiting, but I go 'grey rock.' As for his daughter like Miss Texas, I refuse to be in her presence.
It's not my job to 'save' them (they wouldn't thank me for it anyway), after all its his dysfunctional circus. My dynamic has changed because I realised that its DH's baggage and I will no longer carry it or be part of his past. Anything I do for his kids is a gift, not a duty. And that my wellbeing is paramount, any decisions I make support my wellbeing first.
The B comment made me smile, after all it's only an acronym 'Babe In Total Control of Herself'
This is my life! I am
This is my life! I am STRESSED!!!! Not really the kids, they are good... More with wanting some privacy, time with my SO and our 2 year old. I would like his 16 year old to go out of state with the mother for the whole summer! I would also like her to move out at 18 and return with her mom. His kids love being around us, which is nice and I like them as well. Not fair that as they get older the mom seems to be letting go... Mother wants her freedom and doesn't want the expenses as 18 means no more child suppport....
I call it Boundaries and they are CRUCIAL to your sanity
I agree with everyone above. In the beginning I thought I needed to be Superstepmom to a bratty, needy , attention seeking 6 year old brat. But 6 years later, she has learned about giving people space, what boundaries are, what personal space is, and what smothering means. I can spend time alone and it's ok, i can eat dinner in peace and quiet and it's understood. I don't do vacations with her because I work too damn hard to waste them on getting aggravated ,, and it gives dad a chance to be Alone with the brat all weekend and see for himself that she is needy, smothering and bratty. It's a win win. It's not disengaging, it learning respect for your time, sacrifice, and sanity .
Disengagement means
If you have something to do, you do it, not stay home to take care of SK. Bio parent take care of there kids, as in cooking cleaning, buying food , make plans for the weekend. Or else kids will be board and attached to you because of there is nothing else to to do.
You don't babysit the kids, letting bio parent to run around with there friends.
Hi Lady Tea
Something I am very familiar with in your post. When SS moved back in with us 4 years ago he was 26 yo, I was completely against it, I told my wife you won't be helping him, but she just went ahead anyway as the kids always come first. The first couple of weeks I completely stayed out of the way in my room upstairs. I didn't lock myself in there or anything like that, just spent most of my time there. Obviously the wife thought I was being stupid and immature, we argued about the situation. Anyway 4 years on and I still don't engage much with him....
And let me guess...... he is
And let me guess...... he is now 30yo and living with mommy and you have not booted his ass out.
Please tell me I am wrong.
For your sake, I truly hope I am.
For me disengagement means
For me disengagement means simply no longer placing my value system on SKs and accepting and allowing thier BPs to raise then as they see fit without my interference. To manage, if SDs room isnt clean I point to out to SO he then has the choice to have her clean it or do it himself. I dont personally care how it gets done. I dont put myself out there to be stopped on or taken advantage of. If SKs want to interact with me I let them come to me, otherwise I do my own thing. I no longer try to force a relationship. To be honest only time will tell, but so far its working out for the best. The SKs relationship with BD has been better because they have no choice but to come to him to get thier needs met. SO and I have been happier because we are focused on each other and not constantly talking about Sks. BS is happier because he is not being ignored because SKs are not the center of attention.