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Adult Children Visitation?

Lady Tea's picture

Background:  Me and my BF have been together for 10 years, not married because I don't want to be married.  His children will be 17, 19, and 22 this year.  They have always lived with thier mom and we get them every other weekend (still...). 

So the problem I am facing now and have been for a while is how to "stop" the scheduled visitations now that they are turning into adults.  I don't mean stop them from visiting period, they are fairly good kids and of course they still need to see thier dad and hang out with him but I would like to stop it from being a schedule visitation in which we have to block off every other weekend for them still.  The 17 year old still has visitation rights on a schedule which is fine but the other two adult kids will come and stay the night for the weekend too.  I think it is especially strange for the 22 year old son to come stay the night. I have approached this subject with my boyfriend and he gets upset and defensive.  I have tried speaking gently and I have tried speaking firmly.  Im also concerned because the ex wife keeps insisting we take all the "kids".  I think it is so that she gets them out of her house but my feelings are that the older kids do not need someone to babysit or watch them.  My fear is that If I don't do something now that they will all be in their 20's  (or worse 30's) and expecting to be with us every other weekend!!   I expected that as the children grew, our time spent with them would change.  For example, I'm close with my mother, but when I visit I don't stay the whole weekend and I don't expecther to clear her plans every other weekend for me.   I would like to know if anyone has any strategies for having the conversation that as an adult you don't have "daddy" weekends on a schedule any more.  

Gimlet's picture

This has been going on since you posted in 2017, Lady Tea.   He was still coming at 19, he was still coming on vacation with you, and you were footing all the bills.

What has changed since then?  Is your BF pulling his weight now?  Is the 22 year old in school?  Working?  How about the 19 year old?  

And no, you should not have to still have a 22 year old on a visitation schedule, because he should be fairly indepedent by now. 

Lady Tea's picture

Update:  Our bills have become more equitable now and financially we are in a better place.  Me and BF have agreed on a two year financial plan together that we are starting the journey on this year.   The 22 year old has been holding down the same job for over a year now.  The 19 year graduated and started attending community college, although does not know what she would like to do.  The 17 year old also has a job, which was a big surprise.  The youngest seems to be striving the most for independence.  I just feel a conversation needs to be had with the older two explaining how things change when we become adults. 

tog redux's picture

What the what? They still live with BM and visit Dad every other weekend? That's weird. Why don't they have lives of their own? Do they still have their childhood bedrooms and everything? Weird.

somethingwicked's picture

wow..I don't know if I would  have stuck this out for 10 years. 

Just wondering if they are failure to launch types.

You still have a 17 year old coming every other weekend. Are they miserable adult entitled skids? Or are they respectful? Do they help out,pitch in or expect to be waited on hand and foot?

If they are decent and respectful   how does DH break it to the other two to stop without hurting feelings?Just thinking out loud here. "DS22,DD19 I know your brother has to still come as per the CO but you don't .So fly my little doves!Fly high and away! "

If they are a$$holes I'd tell BF time to  wean them from this setup and I'd STOP doing anything for them..

 TEN years of this? And these kids never waivered or acted like they hated their father or you?

I understand the trend is for children to stick closer to family and not strike out . " Get out of the door and light out and look all around" as the Grateful Dead encouraged the boomers  in "Truckin'"

Start GOING OUT doing YOUR own thing when they come if you are annoyed.

DON"T clear your schedule.Thay are old enough to cook and entertain themselves. Tell BF to go with and leave these adults to fend for  themslves ~as long as they are not the rowdy types that bring a bong,all their pals or drink all the liquor.If they are then I would shut that sh!t down asap.

At least it's every other weekend.

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

As old as they are, they don't need to be babysat or catered to. I don't think you should feel obligated to do anything outside your usual routine when they come. They should be able to cook, clean up, wash clothes, and entertain themseves. Your DH should be the one to enforce that. Maybe have a standing family meal (Sunday dinner or something, or brunch?) every other weekend. If you want, that is. Like, my sister and i are adults with our own families but every other Sunday we have a standing dinner with our parents. Maybe a tradition like that would help transition the relationship to a more "between adults" one. The high school one and recent graduate should be thinking about their future and planning for how to be able to leave the nest. The oldest one, especially, is at an age where they should be out on their own. With a steady job, it's surprising they don't. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

As old as they are, they don't need to be babysat or catered to. I don't think you should feel obligated to do anything outside your usual routine when they come. They should be able to cook, clean up, wash clothes, and entertain themseves. Your DH should be the one to enforce that. Maybe have a standing family meal (Sunday dinner or something, or brunch?) every other weekend. If you want, that is. Like, my sister and i are adults with our own families but every other Sunday we have a standing dinner with our parents. Maybe a tradition like that would help transition the relationship to a more "between adults" one. The high school one and recent graduate should be thinking about their future and planning for how to be able to leave the nest. The oldest one, especially, is at an age where they should be out on their own. With a steady job, it's surprising they aren't already.

tog redux's picture

Why should she have to host an adult skid at all, every other weekend? There is no custody order and no need for daily "parenting" for the young adults.

A standing family dinner with no overnights would be okay with me - but I'd have it out with DH if my SS20 decided he wanted to spend every other weekend here when he lives 20 minutes away.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

She totally shouldn't have to. I guess i was just offering a suggestion on how to make the transition from how things are, to how she wants them, easier. Interact with them as adults, on her terms. If she wants to, that is. 

Mandy45's picture

As they get older they should be able to pick and choose when they see each other. Weather it be staying over night here or there or just a day out or dinner etc. And your dh should have more of a adult relationship with them without bm dictating. When they should and shouldnt visits etc. 

They just about grown they dont need mum and dad and court orders what not telling them when it okay to hang out with there parents. 

Let the kids grow up of course as the kids grow your relationship changes with them. But that just how things go. I think your dh keeping this going because he doesnt want them to grow up and drift away. It is hard at first.

But you need to assure him that kids no matter how old they are will always be around in one way or another. Because he there dad if they have a good relationship it will always stay that way. It just be different to what it is now. Because there adults want to experience life. They dont need him as much. 

 

 

 

 

 

Rags's picture

Start booking events for only you and SO on the occassional Skid scheduled weekend.  

"Oh SO, We have a concert that weekend, I booked a weekend at the XYZ LMNOP resort for us that weekend.  Etc...  Your are going to have to let the Skids know that they are going to have to figure their weekend out for themselves that weekend.  They will not be at our home if we are not there."

It will be a weening process.  But is has to start.

And WTF is your SO doing even speaking to his X about adult Skid visitation? He needs to grow a pair and let XW and his children know that it is time for all  of them to grow up and start learinng some independence.

Thisisnotus's picture

This is exactly what I was going to say. Weening them off is key.

I would literally VOMIT if someone told me that my skids would still be on a visitation schedule at 19 and 22.......which is probably why once skids graduate I am selling the big house and buying A VERY small home probably in another state with room for only DH, me and our shared child. My 3 kids can and will launch....I will not be stuck with DH's lazy ass kids living in my home as adults......no way no how. 100 percent absolute sign the divorce papers deal breaker.

piegirl's picture

Maybe the ex momma is getting some action on her weekends off which is why she wants them ALL gone? Bow-chicka-wow-wow ROFLOL

Anyway, all jokes aside I agree that it is rather odd that adults are still on a schedule in relation to visitation

Mostthanklessjobever's picture

OSD20 was still coming with YSD17.  Neither did anything around our house, I lived a total nightmare with those two SD's and secluded myself to my bedroom for over 10 years.  

Finally OSD20 moved out with her BF.  When YSD turned 18 I kindly suggested to my DH that he have a conversation with her that she no longer had to come for visitations.  It was obvious she was as miserable being in my presence as I was hers.  She was lazy and entitled and I had no support from my DH and I was over all of it.  

He had the conversation with her and she quit coming and hasn't been back other than a few pop in visits going on 2 years now thank goodness.

I don't get skids who still come for visitation when they become young adults.

Wanderer's picture

This was a thing for my SK that lived with me. Their bio mom kept telling them they HAD to come for weekend visits. Craziness, indeed! I told them they were old enough they didn't have to do that anymore and at their age I was off with friends. It didn't take them long to stand up to her after that. They didn't want to be kids told what to do anymore. They had just been in a pattern and didn't know they could stop it. That said, I have another older one that's having a hard time grasping adulthood. I'm still a little stuck myself but at that age I agree with some above posts. Go out! Go out for supper, go shopping. 

ESMOD's picture

It's every other weekend.. so it isn't a dramatically huge amount of time.  I would certainly not block out this time for the kids necessarily.. as adults they should be free to see their dad when they want and vice versa... if he wants to make plans on that weekend.. they may be more on their own.

Is there a problem with them being at the house?  I am sure your BF likes seeing them regularly.. so unless he really WANTS a change this may be a hard sell.  

from what you are posting.. one kid is still a minor.. so it doesn't apply.

the others are 18/21 (turning the older ages this year).. a lot of parents are ok with the kids living at home if they are gainfully employed or in school for a few years post HS.. so they can save to get on their feet... the one that seems most near needing to launch is the 21 year old.. but not sure how feasible that is in your area.