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Hi I'm new and I need some help please

piegirl's picture

Hi, I am a mom of 2 adult D's (who live with us) and a stepmom to 3 adult SD's (none live with us). My DH and I have been together for 7 years and it seems my relationship with the SD's just keeps getting worse and worse. 2 younger SD's (aged in the early 30's) have never really wanted anything to do with me. Used to make me a bit sad, but I had a great relationship with the eldest SD who is married with kids of her own. We took family holidays, (DH, my D's eldest SD, her DH and their two kids) socialised, everything was going great. In late 2017 we began building a pool and understandably it took most of every weekend and my H and I are not contractors but did it all ourselves - phew! It was meant to be the final piece in what would make our house the ultimate relaxation and entertaining area for all of our kids, the grandkids and the grandkids still to come. In mid 2018 my MIL sadly passed away, and a couple of months later eldest SD stopped visiting as much and began getting quieter on our visits to them. I would ask her if anything was wrong and she would always say that everything was fine.

One night in November 2018, eldest SD and her DH came over to 'talk'. It basically was 3 hours of them berating us for every single issue they had ever experienced with us since H and I met 7 years ago. They were so rude, unecessarily horrible about my D's and even were rude about my other family members for no reason!! My H has always been a doormat to his D's so he sat there and took their abuse. I tried to stay quiet but every now and then I had to pull them up when they were getting severely out of line. You should have seen their faces - it's like no one had ever stood up for themselves to them before. They told the younger SD's about the night and it's just made them dislike me even more (if that was even possible). 

Now, DH is working towards a restored relationship with them and expects that everything will work out and we will all go back to normal. I don't agree. They missed my youngest D's graduation, they didn't bother attending her 18th birthday. Just a couple of other reasons that I don't want them in my life anymore. This is causing huge problems between my DH and I. I get angry at the fact that he has a relationship with these people who dislike me so much, who have treated us so badly, yet he keeps going back for more. To me it seems abusive. He is a strong man but not with them. How do I make peace with this? It's not about them, it's about me. I'm so sad and it's not who I am.

Thanks for reading Smile

Rags's picture

Why would you make peace with this?  I would keep the mirror of the facts front and center with all of the SKids and their SOs.  Your DH should not be able to ignore the facts of the historic crap his spawn have caused in your marriage.  If he were truly a strong man he would not tolerate anyone abusing his bride. Including his own spawn. Nope, he's a coward.

Stop being sad.  Engage with quality people of character. If that excludes the results of the shallow and polluted gene pool that DH and his X created... so be it.

I would sit DH down and give him firm clarity on how YOUR husband should address anyone threatening his marriage or attacking his bride.  That these idiots are his DD and her idiot husband makes no difference in how a real man would deal with the crap they have pulled.

Enjoy your pool!  No GSkids peeing in it, no toxic SD's ruining your bliss while enjoying it, and no drama polluting your home and marriage. You and DH take turns putting lotion on each other, getting each other umbrella drinks, and rubbing each other's feet.  When it gets dark, go skinny dipping and enjoy each other.

Live well.  Screw the SD's.

Curious Georgetta's picture

years of loving "these people." That does not end or disappear because they do not like you and you no longer like them .

You are all adults and never or rarely ever need to spend time together. On the rare occasions that you are forced to be,I'm each other's company, you  should all be adult enough to manage basic civilty.

Your husband should not try to force you to interact with his adult children, and you should not try to dissuade him from spending time with his children and grandchildren.

You guys are partners but you are not each other's possession. You can have interactions and relationships that are separate and distinct.

Enjoy your time together , and let him enjoy his time with his kids.

piegirl's picture

However I never intended for you to read from my post that I feel DH is my possession, far from it, and yes we do have interactions and relationships that are separate. However, if I had friends who didn't like DH, or didn't care whether he lived or died, I would tell them how much I love him, how much he means to me and make them step up to the plate of at least trying to get to know him.

Why is it, that just because they share the same DNA, that this situation should be any different? Yes he is their father, but we are talking about adults, women between the ages of 30-40 years. Surely they should be capable of empathy or posses some level of emotional intelligence? If this isn't apparent, how does one simply enjoy our time together and let him enjoy time with his kids?

grace8205's picture

I get where you are coming from. In my first marriage we went to Counselling and the therapist talked about only allowing people in your lives that are a “friend of the marriage”. I agree with that very much however in a situation as yours ( I have a skid24 who I swear hates me for no reason) it pretty hard to enforce when it comes to your spouses children even if they are adults. 

I would set some boundaries about it. I would tell my husband that I do not want a relationship with his children and list the reasons. However I understand that you do. Ask him to set boundaries. That he does not engage in discussions about you with them and that he stands up for you and will not tolerate them bashing you.

Hooefully your DH can do that. 

Good luck. 

SacrificialLamb's picture

This right here is a core problem of step hell. 

Who else would your DH allow to treat you like dirt? Would he be socializing with other people who are nasty to you? Just his DD's? So who else did he allow the SDs to treat like dirt? The mailman? Teachers?  Neighbors? Relatives?  I doubt it. Just you. Ask him those questions. The answer that he likely won't say is that if he stands up to them regarding you, he is afraid of losing their love.  Maybe it's because he's afraid BM will be in the #1 Favored Parent spot. Maybe not. But he's afraid, regardless. He's not as afraid of losing you. Yet.  You live with him and he takes that for granted.

It's an unnatural situation that your DH should have your back EXCEPT when it comes to his own children, and then he can turn a blind eye.  And a big reason why the divorce rate for 2nd+ marriages are so high.

Curious Georgetta's picture

the very first moment that they hold them in their arms.  There is no other relationship where love happens in this fashion.  Your husband met you and over time he developed feelings for you. There was not that instantaneous and spontaneous love connection that happens with a child.  The type of connection is different and parents are not often willing to forego a relationship with their children.

We learn that we can survive the loss or change of  partners and not only survive but in many  cases thrive. We are not hardwired to survive the loss of our children in the same way.

You married the man not his family.  He can see his children and grandchildren without you.  Many people  because of various reasons , learn to compartmentalize their lives. This may not be the ideal family relationship but it is a way to work things out when adults cannot or choose not to get along.

You ask ",why would he want a relationship with someone who dislikes you?" His children may have a version of that same question that they are asking each other .

A spouse is not an appendage. It is possible to have friends and relatives who never interact with your spouse.

Let it go . You are never going to force him to dislike his children because they do not like you. Nor should he try to force you to like his children.

Your husband will not want a long term estrangement from his kids and grandkids.  You have both had previous relationships, so you know that relationships come and go. The fixed and enduring relationship has been with your kids.  Unlike a spouse or partner, your kids never become your ex-kids.

You lose nothing by encouraging him to see his kids outside of your home.

If your kids live with him, surely you cannot object to him spending time with his kids.

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

piegirl I have  a very similar story to you... my advice is to disengage from the SKs... don’t let them back into your home, don’t go to any of their functions, don’t invite them to any of yours. I agree there is no going back and  working it out with SKs after copping such abuse and knowing what they really think of you.  Let your DH see his kids when he wants, he will always love them and won’t turn against them so don’t waste your energy.

I have taken this path after one too many attacks from SKs and there is no going back. Fortunately I have DH support, although he is hurt by the situation, he wants us to be one big happy family but  it’s impossible thanks to SKs behaviour. He accepts that his life with his kids are separate to my life and my kids. If my DH didn’t support me in this I would have divorced him. 

It hasn’t been an easy path to take, I’ve had the anger from DH family about my choice, I even sometimes feel guilty about  it but at the end of the day I had to do it for my own sanity. 

piegirl's picture

Stepkidsfrommhell, is life ok now? Do you and DH fight about his kids or do you not discuss them ever? I have been married before and had 2 SD's from that relationship and never had any of this trouble or trauma. In fact I still get along really well with my XSD's. I think trauma is a good way of describing what I feel like I'm going through right now.

SacrificialLamb's picture

It's not "like" these SD's had never been stood up to before; these SD's truly have never been stood up to before. My DH finally stood up to OSD when she was 42. She had published a picture on Facebook of BM visiting DH's family, and captioned it "love spending time with family!"  He finally called her out on her antics and demanded her respect. She was shocked and activated "Punish Daddy" mode.  The Princess had NEVER been called out before.  DH confirmed it.

So your DH is chasing his princesses. Is he ok with you not joining in the chase? If so, I recommend staying out of it and let your DH try to have a relationship with his DDs. If you complain about it you will just get all the blame. In all likelihood they will continue to punish him even though you are not around. That tends to be an eye opener for these men when their wives aren't even around to blame.  Then if the SDs complain about you, it's real easy to respond what could you possibly be doing when you don't even see them?  They are adults, not children on a court-ordered visitation plan with their father.

It's difficult to make peace with this and it took me a few years. Your situation mirrors mine in that my DH kept going back for more abuse and manipulation from his middle-aged daughters. He would excuse it by saying he didn't care how people treated him.  That was just a dumb excuse to trivialize their unacceptable behavior.  My response back to him was men who were doormats were NOT sexy. Especially when it was because they were afraid of their adult children.  My valuation of his sexiness got his attention.

After time we were able to find peace because while I did not respect how he pandered to his children, he had many other respectable qualities.  To me, there was more good than bad.  He did not force me to join in his chase, and he got tired of chasing alone only to be rebuffed because he married a Holy Original Family Outsider.   I also realized I had a choice. I could be going with him to visit his children, but I choose to stay away from toxic people.  That's a gift I give myself.  That feeling of betrayal lessened and lessened into one of happiness that I don't have to deal with the crazy. 

piegirl's picture

You have hot the nail on the head with this. My DH is definitely chasing his princesses but for now does not expect me to join the chase. He thinks that once they 'forgive' him and he can 'make it up to them' (I'm cringing as I am writing this), then they will calm down enough for me to get involved again. I don't want to, I honestly never want to subject myself to that kind of hurt ever again. He thinks I'll get over it - but right now I can't see that happening. TBH and maybe TMI but the whole sexy thing has been an issue for me since he has gone chasing the princesses. I do feel betrayed and I can't wait for that feeling to go away. However, I am not a victim and I know there must be something I can do to not feel betrayed by these relationships. I've tried to just 'get over it' but that doesn't work for me. I wonder how we can be a truly happy family unit when, with the way I feel now, there will never be wonderful times with the two families as there were before.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Tell your DH that when you see them treat him with respect for an extended period of time, you will re-evaluate.  I also had other requirements for re-enagement which involved accountability and remorse. Those will never happen because these 40 somethings are poor widdle children of divorce (they were adults when their parents divorced .... but still). They believe they are the victims and that justifies their behavior.

As long as your SDs sense that daddy is "making it up them" they will milk it for all it's worth. He needs to be demanding their respect, not pandering.  Unfortunately he will likely have to learn that the hard way.

Have you asked him what has he done wrong that they need to forgive and why he needs to make it up to them? It might be a good discussion for joint counseling.

In the meantime, come up with boundaries and make sure he understands them. Here's what mine were/are (with some expulsions thrown in...):

    • I support you having an age-appropriate, respectful relationship with your children.
    • I have the right to live my life in peace away from drama. Both of your kids love drama.
    • The SDs are not children on a visitation schedule, so there is no need for me to be involved in your relationship.
    • Other people's issues will not affect me or my marriage.
    • People who hurt my health in any way are not allowed in my home.
    • You will say nothing that reflects poorly on me and you will not discuss our marriage.
    • You will stop trying to "sell" me to your adult children, which I consider YOU treating me like a second-class citizen. You did not need their permission to marry me and I don't need their approval.
    • I am not the barrier to a harmonious relationship in the family.
    • Billions of men like the company of an adult woman. You should be allowed the same.
    • Your middle-aged daughters, with their own lives and families, will not control my marriage and life from afar.
    • You will NOT have First Family reunions that include your ex.

Once I defined parameters I got stronger. These were things I would not budge on, and he knew it.  And once he saw me getting stronger, he started to consider that he might lose ME.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Which is, not having a reunion that included the ex.  In particular, I'm thinking about when grandskids are involved.  I am possibly on the cusp of my SO becoming a grandpa.  I am certain there will be events/times when he is going to be interacting with BM (and her husband).  Since I am disengaged, I won't be involved.

However, this is a bit of a sticking point for me.  I am fine with my SO having a relationship with SD, SSIL and gskid without me.  But it's the times when he will be part of the happy "family" dynamic which will include BM and her husband that sticks in my craw.  

How did you and your DH navigate this?  Eg.  If it's gskid birthday party, and BM will be there, does your DH not go?

 

SacrificialLamb's picture

"First Family Reunions" to me meant not having a big family reunion that included the ex mingling around with DH's family. It also meant DH and BM not staying under OSD42's roof at the same time, which she tried unsuccessfully to do. This has less to do with me feeling threatened by BM than the disrespect DH's own family pays him with BM around, which really ticks me off that he just lets it go.

But DH has gone to gskid events where BM is present. I really don't care about that, even though I am not there.  I am 100% certain that if he were attracted to another woman, it would NOT be BM.  She is repulsive in so many ways. 

Just because they might be at the same celebration does not mean they are playing "happy family." More likely "stressed out dysfunctional now we remember why they divorced" family.  Before I disengaged, the family events where both DH and BM were present were hysterical. BM walking around from person to person jockeying for attention even though the event was not about her, both SDs complaining that BM had to be the center of attention - while they were fighting for their fair share. 

You say it's a sticking point for you if your DH and BM and her DH are at the same place.....can you elaborate why that's  sticking point? 

 

Hesitant to try's picture

SacrificialLamb, thank you for this list. It's something I will find very useful in the future!! It's a clear and fair way of expressing the boundaries many of us need surround Skids.

MissTexas's picture

I share this sentiment, but take it a step further.

No, it's not victimization, but these daughters have been allowed to be "Princess Puss" all thier lives, and behaved as if their genital area is gold laced. (Reminds me of the gold dipped orchids I saw when I visited the orient.) Well, that may've worked fine with BM, but there's a "New Puss In Town." When that happens, and feelings are validated and sealed by a  marriage, the DH has to put his wife first. Sadly, most of the men I've read about on here fail miserably in doing that.

My DH colluded with SD and took severe legal measures against me at her insistance, which is why I feel for this marriage to flourish (and survive the "life support" phase it has been in since all of this began), he MUST vanquish her and her horrible manipulative and disresepectful behaviors from this marriage.

No, a Pussywhipped daaadddeee is not sexy, it's disgusting, and it has a drastic impact on the marriage. A ripple effect which carries over into all areas of the marriage, because with perfect clarity, you become aware that his first priority is his sick, emotionally stunted classic narc daugther.

It first takes awareness on DH's behalf, it's a cluster fu** , and next he has to decide to do something about it, or not. Think flow chart...change is never easy, especially when these men are terrified of their kids. I cannot understand that. I have never been afraid on my kids. At any rate, one of two things will happen; DH's will either see the light and make the necessary changes, or not, and suffer the consequence of divorce.

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Life is A LOT better, I wish I had done it years sooner! The relief of not having to put up with their horrible obnoxious behaviour in my home or at my birthday parties/ functions is such a relief and it feels good to have finally drawn a line in the sand that I will take no more crap from them. No we don’t talk about them, I ask nothing and he tells me nothing. 

The sometime ‘guilt’ I referred to feeling in the above post was not because I chose to disengage, I feel completely justified in doing that. Its because my bio children visit all the time and I do feel bad for my DH that can’t have the same but the only people to blame for that are his kids and he understands that. As DH and I have discussed the  situation is apples and oranges with his kids and mine. My children have always shown the upmost respect for my DH since the day they met him. They all get along with him better than their own BD. But if the tables were turned and my kids did to him what his kids did to me then I’d absolutely stand with my DH and would not have my children at our home. 

You most definitely are going through trauma, I had a breakdown because of the SKs and BM! Three years from disengaging I’m still trying to let go of the anger and hate I have towards, I actually wrote about it today if you want to look at it. 

Its a tough life being part of a step family and I wouldn’t ever do it again. Wishing you all the best. 

Kes's picture

In the end, you can't stop your DH from having a relationship with his offspring, whether or not you see it as abusive, which it probably is. But you can refuse to have them at your home, and refuse to be around them yourself, anywhere. 

I have been disengaged from my two SDs, who are now in their 20s, for over 15 yrs.  I see them rarely - once or twice a year, whereas my DH has lunch or coffee with them every few weeks or so. It is a perfectly functional model to live by. 

15 months ago, DH and I became estranged from his mother and step father, when they treated us in a way that I felt was abusive - including throwing us out of their house at 9.30pm on a Sunday night, after we'd had a drink, to drive the 150 miles back home.  DH is now proposing to reconcile with his mother.  I have told him that he can do so, with my blessing, but I will not be reconciling, nor will they come to our house.  He can go and visit there, if he wants to see her, and he has agreed to this. 

STaround's picture

Your SDs may feel THEY are replacements and are the princesses?  It is easy for parents not to see issues with their own kids.   Your SDs may think they are taking adavantage of your DH

piegirl's picture

Haha my kids are 18 and 19 - so a little difficult to see how the 30-40 year old skids think my kids are taking advantage of their daddy. However if they do, it just goes to show that their MH issues are worse than I thought!

Curious Georgetta's picture

that their dad did not invest in making the home in which they grew up the same resort type environment  that he seems to be creating for your girls.

His daughters likel his focus to be  on the grandkids. 

Certainly in a 3 hour rant, they must have given you more than a hint as to what has them upset.

What is it exactly that they see you and/or your daughters doing that they find unacceptable?

If you address and discuss specifics, it may get you closer to a solution. 

piegirl's picture

One thing I know thing I know they definitely don't like is that we live in the city, which allows my D's to stay at home while in college. When they grew up in bio-home it was in the country so they had to move and live on their own to go to college. Also, their BM never worked. I have a corporate job which makes our dual income quite comfortable. They also referred to the fact that my then under 18 D got more stuff than they did. I think we are dealing with green eyed monsters!

Strange though that that they don't see the big picture. BM not working meant she was around for them. I was sole parent most the time my kids were growing up so had to work, struggled financially and wasn't around for them either.

SacrificialLamb's picture

They grew up in the country! The horror! I guess that's all your fault, huh?  And you are WORKING and making a good salary??!!

You HORRIBLE person! lol

How did you not ROFL during this 3 hour rant. Is this what DH has to apologize to his poor babies for?

PS:  they don't care about the big picture - only what THEY did not get

 

piegirl's picture

It's funny that you ask that, I really really had to hold my tongue and not ROFL during their rant. It included my 17yr old getting a giftcard for $100 when their 8 year old got one from us 6 months before for only $50, but there was a $80 gift as well with the giftcard *crazy*.....also that when my MIL passed away in the country and her funeral was 3 hours drive away, my own mother (who is elderly herself and had only been discharged from a 3 week hospital stay 2 days earlier) who made the trip against her doctors orders out of respect for my DH and his family, apparently didn't ask SD how she was feeling at the funeral *shok*...this is what I have to deal with. I was sitting with two 40 yr olds and it felt like being in front of two 15 year olds......

SacrificialLamb's picture

Your 17-year old is a child, and the 8 year old is a grandchild.  Although I do realize that the spawn of the sainted SDs - as should you -  are to be treated as glorious angels on high....my goodness they are DNA products of the HOLY ORIGINAL FAMILY.  

Really, this rant still lasted 3 hours? Did they think to ask your mother how she was after a 3 week hospital stay?  Did your DH listen to this garbage for 3 hours and actually think their points were valid?  If he did he needs therapy. 

I have to ask again why your DH feels he needs to apologize to these SDs and make it up to them? You are wise to stay away.  Your SDs are middle-aged like mine, and the horse is out of the barn. They will not change; they will not like you (or me). It sickens me to think of the things I did previously to get them to like me, while they laughed behind my back. You will never do anything right; they will never want you as part of the Holy Original Family Club.

5 years ago I wanted to be a happy blended family. I am thrilled I don't have to deal with them at all now. The closest one lives 1,000 miles away. DH visits twice a year, I have my peace and things are so much better.

piegirl's picture

I think the insanely selfish comment about my mother at the funeral really got to me and was the final straw. They also berated my brother for the same thing (not checking how SD's were feeling even though he has only met them a couple of times and there were hundreds of people at the funeral). My brother lives overseas and was on 'holidays' over here as he and I tag teamed around the clock to be with my Mum who was in intensive care for 2 out of her 3 week hospital stay. He extended his holidays, cancelled his flights home and took more time off work so he could transport my elderly parents to the funeral. BTW, no, they didn't ask how she was after her hospital stay, because obviously, the world revolves around them.

During their rant they also said nasty things about my DD's as well, and I didn't find out until later that both my DD's were in the back bedroom listening to everything with the window cracked open. It broke my heart to know that they listened to the bitter twisted SD's rant. Several times throughout the rant I did ask them to limit their berating to DH and I as we were the only ones there able to defend ourselves, but they wouldn't stop.

They did mention a couple of semi valid things that my DH was quick to apologise for, such as missing the grandkids sports games while we were building the pool. Well we did miss the sports games, but we were building a pool...sounds pretty self expalantory to me!

Seems that they forgot all the school vacation times when we have had the grandkids stay for days at a time, the shopping sprees I've taken them on, the heaps of nights when we have had them so the SD and SSIL can go out, the overseas holidays we have paid for them to come on with us...well you know what? party time is over adultkids - I'm shutting the wallet!! 

I have been so desperately wanting to have a happy family including them, but have realised I am beating my head against a brick wall. TBH I am proabably taking time and effort away from my own DD's while I worry about the SD's!! I have written a letter to give to DH tonight that outlines my disengagement and why I need to do it.

Wish me luck!!

SacrificialLamb's picture

Good luck. But if he really doesn't understand, kick him to the curb.

The rest of the world could be fading away, but if you aren't catering to how the SD's are feeling, my GAWD how could you?

They don't want to acknowledge that others exist besides them.  You, EVIL SM, have introduced other people into their lives that took attention away from THEM? How DARE you?

Welp, now your DD's know where they stand. Makes it easier for you and them to disengage from the middle-aged babies. There's a 15 year difference between my youngest SD and my oldest child....sad that my children are more mature.

And so the above occurred and your DH still needs to gain his poor widdle babies favor? Apologize and make it up to them? Why?

Since when are grandparents required to go to all of the gkids games?  Like I told DH, he saw his grandkids more in the last two years than his own parents visited in HIS OWN CHILDREN'S ENTIRE CHILDHOODS. 

But does it matter? Nope, because there is someone else to blame - YOU.

I had a successful corporate job and retired at 49. BM just took out her first home loan on her own at 65, and it was land contract since she does not qualify for a mortgage. They hate me for this, but at the same time want to dig for what they think they will get later on.  

You and I will not have a happy family with these babies. And hopefully your DH recognizes the ridiculousness from his long grown children. 

 

sandye21's picture

"And so the above occurred and your DH still needs to gain his poor widdle babies favor? Apologize and make it up to them? Why?"  Ya, I'm wondering why too.  Your DH needs to get his head out of his a$$.  He SHOULD be apologizing to you.  Time to put down boundaries and get those middle aged babies out of your life - and especially your children.

Stepkidsfromhell's picture

Sacrificiallamb oh how I know that feeling of being sick to the core about all the good and kind things I did for the SKs, the bending over backwards  for them and all along they were bitching and laughing at me 

still learning's picture

My DH also got berated by his grown sons early in our marriage because DH and I had done some painting, remodeling and put a new patio in. The ss's said, "Why didn't you do this when we lived here?!"  Um, because I (wicked SM) did almost all of the painting. I tore down the wall while DH was out of town. I am the one who pushed for the new patio and helped build it.  I have a job and financially contributed to the new appliances.  DH's ex also never worked and never did anything around the house either.  So dear ss's, yes things are different now that I live here.  

Rags's picture

Older kids often do not have the same level of posh and priveledge as younger children with the same parents.  In this case the dad may be more successful now that he is older and his career is more advanced.

It happens.  

CLove's picture

OMG. Yes, DH and I are buying a house together, have wonderful social lives, do awesome concerts together (Rolling Stones baby!) none of which occured with Ex, Toxic Troll.SD20 is jealous of SD13 because she "gets more". Its all about "getting more" it seems.

Together DH and I are more successful because Toxic Troll is useless!

Harry's picture

What ever there reasons are they are. You will never change that.  All the begging will not help.  You have to understand that.  You have to understand there nothing you can do.  You have to except that.  

Want2's picture

You have set imaginary standards for yourself. If anyone else didn’t like DH you would let them have a piece of your mind! You would proclaim your undying love and fealty to DH and avenge his honor.

Fine. Whether that’s what would happen in real life or not is beside the point. Those are your standards.

What you don’t do is set other people’s standards. Including DH. He is his own person and doesn’t have to have matching standards with yours.

If you can’t accept that then you are too controlling and in need of counseling.

piegirl's picture

Wow that last line was a little harsh!! Please do remember that I am new here and really hurting right now. I came here for support.

Kes's picture

piegirl, pls try and ignore the harsh replies.  When you have been here a little while, you will come to recognise the names of the few but very vocal members whose main aim seems to upset people and make offensive remarks.  Unfortunately we don't have an "ignore" facility on this site, unless I am much mistaken, but pls do ignore them.  Most people try to be helpful and supportive, while gently challenging where they feel necessary. 

piegirl's picture

Thanks Kes, I definitely see that now that I've looked through some other posts too. Glad to be here and getting the support of others in similar situations.

marblefawn's picture

The only way I got over the resentment that my husband loves someone who treats me so shitty was to ignore it. It still flares up and makes me crazy, but this is how it's always going to be.

Wish I had a do over.

CLove's picture

Piegirl - what you posted really shocked me, and Im 5 years in and didnt think that I COULD be shocked.

Your SD's are definitely Narcissists - consider yourself lucky to get away from them. But Im sorry you are hurt. They managed to create a fake relationship with you, because you were "useful" to them, and then when they couldnt hide their feelings any longer, unleashed their ugliness. What a stain of humanity they have proved themselves to be!

Your DH, hes probably simply ignoring reality - as many do. He has a vision in his head of "one big happy family", and it simply isnt there, not with THOSE children of his.

Again, sorry you are hurting. Let yourself grieve for the family you thought you had, then follow the advice and completely disengage. And re-do your will if necessary. Those nasty, bitter, selfish, narcissistic snots should not benefit from you one iota. I still am in shock over their "grievances" against you and DH. I was wondering about the rant and youve answered that question.

Allow your DH to pander to his precious princesses then discover how they will leave in a hot flash if he were to fall ill (or hover like the vultures they are...)

Just wow. I think you need to treat yourself and dH to a wonderful season of pool parties and invite EVERYONE but them. Me too. Invite me.

Acute

CLove's picture

I would love to visit you halfway around the world in New Z! My dad told me its complete paradise in areas.

Biggrin

And I guess you are currently in your winter weather too!!!!