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SO/DH Birthday

P Popper's picture

SO had a birthday yesterday and of course, cake, and candles, breakfast, and dinner were all supposed to happen by ME!
hahahaha (I suppose)
I gave him his gifts in the morning, made him and his dad breakfast, and when SD15 came out of her room (because she knew breakfast was ready) I let her dad know that she could make her own toast and eggs as I was enjoying MY SUNDAY.
On Saturday I invited her to come to the mall with me as I needed a couple of things and she might want to get her dad a present or at least a card.
Her dad transferred money from his account to her's and she was to put some gas in my car and buy her own food and whatever she was getting(he also overheard us talking and knew that she was to pick up something for his bday)
She mentioned that dad told hr to put gas in my car as we were leaving the mall. we completely spaced until we passed the last gas station on the way out to the house (10 miles from the small town we live in) and SD15 mentions, oh, did we pass the gas station... I said, it's fine, I was going to the mall anyway...

As we are shopping at the mall, SD15 says she isn't intending to buy a card as 'dad always says how much he likes her homemade cards'.... ummmm okay...

(I had previously made the decision to be nice until I move out and I apologized to SD15 for all the fighting and coldness coming from me and that when I move on, or she moves back to her mom's, if she needs me, she can call or email and I loved her (I've known her since she was 9) and wanted the best for her, etc... )
So it seemed okay until she, once again, didn't want to spend her own money- or even the money her dad had just given her, on anyone but herself...

When we left the mall I picked up an ice cream cake for SO/DH and we each got a scoop of ice cream, tht of course I paid for. she didn't offer (not that I expect any 15 year old to offer, but considering she was given money to come, and she knew why we were even at the mall in the first place, you'd think she would offer to pitch in for at least her cone...???

So, last night, after SO/DH has worked outside all weekend, and had a slow, nap filled day of his birthday, he starts to get grumpy and making noises about dinner.
I had already eaten, as we had decided previously that it would be'every man for himself' as we had ALOT of leftovers. GREAT! I relished the idea of not spending another day and night in the kitchen (when his dad is here, we cook every meal. When his dad is not, leftovers and self serve dinner works for us)
I had eaten and wasn't concerned about them eating because I ate at 6:30 pm, all leftovers.

So, SD15 comes to me around 9:30 pm to ask where dad is and aren't we having cake?
(SO/DH had given up and put ice cream cake back in the freezer in the basement as no one was interested in singing, cutting cake, and SD15 had not given her daddy the card she made out of copy paper and markers)

I told her 'Dad put the cake away and is taking a bath'
she stood there really confused and apologetic and said she was planning to give him his card when we ate cake...

Mind you, she had just spent I don't know how much, on herself, and didn't bother to buy a card nor did she want to buy craft stuff to make an original card...

SO/DH was kinder to me than he has been in weeks, and I think it's because he could see that, once again, I AM THE ONLY ONE that steps up for birthdays, holidays, etc and his DD once again, was only looking out for herself...

I know this is long and convoluted, but I had to get it out. Smile

nunya1983's picture

I get it, when we tell the kids to make cards for DH or DH's dad for Christmas, thanksgiving, his birthday or what ever. Sd10 whips one out that looks like crap in under 60 seconds. Dd10 and dd11 take about 30 minutes and it doesn't always look perfect but they color it, write poems (that are kinda weird and may not always make sense), have more than just one big sloppy heart on it that says "I love you". But the point it, they make an effort, they show they care. Sd doesn't understand the concept of compassion or doing something for someone other than herself. I don't think for one minute that this is her fault. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to compare her to my children to hold her on a lower pedostol. I don't see her like that. I think that she hasn't been shown how top do this. I think that before I came into the picture that her mother (and probably father too) have done all the work. I think they bought gifts and wiped them and just wrote her name on it and she didn't have a clue. Since my kids were the age of 2 they've been making their own gifts/cards. They earn allowance now and they buy gifts for toys for tots and the giving tree for Christmas. They buy their friends gifts with their own money or make a card, or both, it's their choice.

Anyway my point is that it isn't something that just happens, these children need to be shown how/taught how to be compassionate, considerate. I think that it wasn't taught to sd. She honestly doesn't want to do anything or get anything for anyone, and honestly I can blame her for it. In the 10 years of her life her parents haven't included her in any of the gift giving for anyone.

P Popper's picture

I would LOVE to do this!

nunya1983's picture

^^^This^^^ once they are old enough they don't need to be reminded or told what they need to do. When they ate young yes, but not when they are older for sure

P Popper's picture

Thank you, Cat.
And yes, it does really show their true colors when we let them handle it themselves.

P Popper's picture

Sally, I understand!

Doncha just love being responsible for everyone, even the children you didn't birth, just because you fell in love with their dad?!?!?!? So now we get to remember our own birthday, bio kids birthdays, and step kids birthdays, fathers day, mothers day, dad's birthday, etc...


She didn't get mad at me this time because she knew she was the one that dropped the ball.

We did have the ice cream cake last night after dinner, but, once again, had it not been for me dinner nor dessert would have happened.
My SD15 will be 16 in September.