No longer a step, a s/o, anybodies'lady', wife-but not legally, or even a girlfriend...
Hello everyone,
THANK YOU STEPTALKERS for helping me to understand that disengaging helps.
My SO/DH has asked that I move out by Aug 1. (WHAT???!!! Yes, I was in the process of moving, but that was to be Sept 1(ish)- so okay... I don't need to be told 75 times! 74 was enough ;)... but SO '...loves me, will help me in any way he can, daughter visit important, girlfriend, non wife, please be gone so I can have quality time with her before she goes back to her mom's for the school year and possibly not come back to visit me ever'
ppffttttt
I sound bitter. I am. I am hurt and disillusioned.
BUT!
moving on... 
I have not given all the details of my 6+ year saga.
I am sad and relieved that this part of my life is O V E R!!!
I am released and ready to find a man that wants to love me, imperfections and all.
I will not get into a relationship with a man that has children(of any age) still living with him.
I will miss my SO, but, I will miss the him from a few years ago. Now, I see it so clearly, it stings...
SO is selfish. According to him, I get too mad and take things too personal. His daughter, 15+, needs to be disciplined by him only and should never hear words of correction, admonishment, or instructions on common courtesy from anyone other than her parents. Her reason for not liking me, and not needing to be respectful or even cordial to me is that I tried to mother her and I was overbearing about it!!!???
OK.
So, all the things I did, and bought, and time, I put into taking care of his daughter since she was 9 years old, don't amount to anything because she is not my blood, and I am not his wife.
ok
Anyway, I could go on and on with all the details, but I did that earlier and my blog didn't come through.
Anyhoo, THANK YOU for your words of encouragement, support, and the laughs I received while reading about you all.
I am glad to have found this site.
You saved me from years of torment and self abuse trying to figure out what I could do to be better so they could include me in their 'family'.
I now know better.
So, Movers showing up on Saturday and I am moving in with my parents.
I have given notice at work.
SO/DH now wants to know when I'm leaving, where I'm going. I told him that I will be out by 7/15, no later, and that's all he needs to know. He just blinked a few times, and asked a few different ways where I was going. I didn't respond. I made popcorn for snack, gave him some, didn't touch the fresh salsa he made(my mom's recipe)because I don't want to 'take' from him ever again after the way he has twisted everything around about who helped who.
I keep saying I am not going to talk about it then I do. sorry, not sorry
Hang in there, Popper...
Hang in there, Popper... things can only get better. You're right - do not divulge any details about your move, he is more curious than concerned, and I would leave it at that, too.
Talk about it all you want to - this is traumatic stuff, the Step Hell thing, and I can only imagine what you're feeling and going through.
Head up! Only a couple more days and you continue on the next chapter. I wish you all the best.
Thank you, Dood. I am looking
Thank you, Dood.
I am looking forward to not walking on eggshells, or knowing everyone else in the house is- because of me.
The last time I was uncomfortable at my parents' house was.......
oh
wait
NEVER!
I bet you are looking forward
I bet you are looking forward to that!
As most people on this site know, it's difficult, if not impossible for a person to be injected into a dysfunctional 'family' scenario. I hate to say this, because I know it sounds cynical, but, I think that the number of "blended family" successes (successes: All people are generally happy and function in an appropriate and socially acceptable manner) are the exception, not the norm. Most of this courtesy of insecure, bitter, bat-crap crazy BM's. Ultimately the tides will turn one way or another: One Way: The father in the situation just gives up the fight and loses any resemblance of a relationship with their kids. Another: The father loses his balls to his Ex and his children and the new woman in his life eventually leaves.
There doesn't seem to be a lot of high functioning "in the middle" scenarios.
I think once you leave and go to a safe haven... a real "Home" in the basic sense of the word, you will feel better than you have in years.... Anyway, I wish this for you.
I AM! Thank you! I agree
I AM! Thank you!
I agree with what you said ^^^^^^^^^
I am sorry you had to deal with all the bs, too.
It's too bad these Disney dad's can't see that it ISNT helping their relationship with their kids, it's only supporting everyone's dysfunction.
If I may ask...Are you still in contact, or did you break all ties completely?
Sure you can ask... My
Sure you can ask...
My situation went the "other" way... SO cut all contact with the BM... I mean all. Not a note, text, email, nothing for about a year now. She PAS'd the older skid out about 1.5 years ago, and I'm pretty sure the younger one is a PAS in progress. I made it really clear early on in my relationship that I didn't have the stomach or the inclination to deal with all that drama and I was in the process of getting out the relationship. I warned him back then, that if he went up against the mighty Bowel Movement, that her wrath would escalate even further, before she finally gave up and went away, and I also warned him that it just might actually result with the thing that he was trying to avoid most of all: Not seeing his kids. I said but either way, whatever happens, you either fight it out and let the chips land where they may, or, do nothing, lose what's left of your mind, money, and frankly, balls and in that case I'm gone.
So we live a pretty normal life, and SS14 hasn't been here in over 2 months. (and I really don't enjoy it when he is here). Rumor has it he's coming this weekend, (SO's weekend), but my money is on him being a no show again... He blew off coming here for Father's Day, which was SO's weekend. I have absolutely no respect for anything or anyone from SO's "Ex" Life, kids included.
UGH! Well, keep on enjoying
UGH!
Well, keep on enjoying that time without skid.
I don't blame you on the no respect for skids.
Just because they are (insert whatever age here) does not automatically release them from behaving as a human being who respects other human beings.
Good luck!
I hope you ultimately get the outcome that works best for YOU!
My Dad actually said he would
My Dad actually said he would like to see SO/DH in person so he could 'mess up his face'. (My dad is 75 and was just diagnosed with prostate cancer)
This made me laugh!
Then my dad got ticked off because he was serious!
One of the previous times SO/DH & I split up, we got back together and it involved dh coming to nm to pick me up. before that happened, all the lies came to a head and I got the truth, from him and his soon to be exgirlfriend.
well, I told him he needed to make it up to my parents also so he wrote them a letter of apology.
My dad called me at work before responding to DH/SO via email(SO/DH mailed letter)and told him that if intended to let me down again, to stay away as no one in this family would have a use for him. Well, fast forward almost 4 years and here we are again.
well, You and I have a lot in
well, You and I have a lot in common. I spent 5 years with EXSO. We never got married. I wasn't good enough for that. His 15 year old was a monster. and we broke up. I don't really belong on step talk anymore because I have no step hell anymore and you are right. You'll totally get over it. and soon. Trust me. I'm living that life. I don't have to cook for him. I don't have to clean for him. I do what I want when i want and I have no bratty teen girls in my life. Come on in. The water is fine.
You have step hell EXPERIENCE
You have step hell EXPERIENCE and insight/condolences to offer. Yes, you still belong here.
OOPS, It was NoWire that went
OOPS, It was NoWire that went through something similar. I apologize.
and I am sorry YOU went through this too
Did YOU cut all ties completely?
I ask because, I am thinking it's the only way I wont obsess about whether or not he calls, mails, or misses me.
I like the ide of no cooking for someone, no oohing and ahhing when he does cook for me(EVERY TIME) and especially, no bratty entitled teenage girl.
WAHOO!!!!!
If it were me, I would cut
If it were me, I would cut all contact with him completely. Like I fell off the face of the planet. I would not respond to any emails, calls, nothing... like I was dead.
In time (a lot of time) I might reconsider, but I doubt it. Once a relationship is over, I don't find it healthy or beneficial to dig all that shit up again. I know what shit smells like, no need to take another whiff.
What made DH and SD " ask"
What made DH and SD " ask" you to leave? What was the defining act that prompted it?
What prompted him 'asking' me
What prompted him 'asking' me to leave was the same ole fight.
I made a half hearted attempt to have intimate time with him, as it's sunday morning and that's the time he always said worked best for him, and his response to that was a reminder/scolding about emotions and feelings and it started the finger pointing and blaming all over again.
He of course will never see it this way, but that is what truly happened.
Sat day/night was fine. we went to town together, he bought dinner we came home, had a quiet (somewhat odd night at home-considering we're breaking up and still live together, sleep in separate rooms, etc).
When he asked, I didn't hesitate this time.
I'm sorry it ended this way.
I'm sorry it ended this way. I'm also happy for you to be able to relax one month sooner.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your kind words and commiserating with me and letting me vent.
I am looking forward to sleeping in MY OWN BED again!
and falling asleep with the light on and a movie in because I can!
and spending time with my parents and siblings that I haven't lived near in 24 years.(barring 6 mos with my parents in 2011)
To the steps that are making it work and in loving relationships, STAY THE COURSE! and I wish you well! Love really is great!
THANKS AGAIN!
I'll post an update, and maybe a picture! when I get settled!
XOXOX
PP