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Do you ever wonder...

Lemon65's picture

if your SO/DH had any involvement with BM after their divorce?

This weekend I was snooping (I wish I hadn't) and I found a photo of BM from 2013 saved on SO's Google Drive. It looked like a "sexy selfie", one you would send to your SO or guy that you are dating. SO and BM divorced in 2008 and I am pretty sure she was married to her current husband by 2013, so I found it a little odd. It was in a file that was backed up from an old cell phone, so I have considered that it was just an old photo that he forgot to delete since it is the only photo I have ever seen of her in his possession. However, it has brought up some questions and given some of the things that I know, I've always wondered. What do you guys think?

 

Comments

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Nope. I 1) wouldn't buy it for a second. My DH is the kind of man who when he's done, he's done. and 2) don't enjoy torturing myself any more than life already is. LMAO

You could probably just delete it and be done with it. Talk to him if you need to. Just feel confident that it's the past. I don't think it should be hanging around. But so long as he wasn't cheating on you, hasn't given you any indicators he was, and he only has the one from 2013. I wouldn't be too worried about it.

Picture should be gone. But I woudln't worry about it.

Lemon65's picture

Thank you for your response! I didn't meet SO until 2014 so I am confident that nothing happened while we've been together. I have already deleted the photo and am leaning towards just forgetting about it.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Good for you! Getting rid of that kind of crap can be SUPER liberating Smile So I'm sure that felt great!!!

I love dogs's picture

I agree it doesn't even matter if you weren't in the picture then. Just delete and move on. DH had a couple of pics with BM and SD on his old laptop when we first got together and I just removed them and didn't say a word. Also, when BM gave DH a box of his old birthday/ holiday cards that included some from his late mother, we just threw away the ones from her.

Maxwell09's picture

I found intimate messages between DH and BM when he backed up his phone to my computer about a year after we were together. They were dated before me and him started talking but I did let him know that his timeline was a little off from what he led me to believe. He let me think he was done with BM when he caught her cheating around the time SS was 6 months old and he "kicked her out". She claimed she "moved out" and into an apartment with this new guy who quickly became Fiance2. DH and her were still hooking up all that time. I was unaware. I thought he had been separated and seeing other people and recovered from his relationship with BM for 6 months but it was barely 2 based on the messages. I would have never considered dating someone that fresh out of a relationship especially one with a kid involved. He admits to knowing that and that is why he never corrected my assumption that their separation date was their actual separation date. But what do you do about it a year later? After the fact? After a whole year of him just trying to get away from her and shutting her down. It did explain a lot of BM early antics in the beginning. 

Lemon65's picture

BM's antics in the beginning are kind of what led me to wonder. When she found out that SO had a new girlfriend, she didn't act like someone who had moved on and remarried. She acted like a crazy, jealous ex-girlfriend!

Areyou's picture

BM was a big time cheater who left DH and  and within  a week moved in her boyfriend before divorce proceedings even began then proceeded to have a revolving door of boyfriends live with her and her two children and she’s in her 50s. It’s been 7 years and she’s on her fourth live in boyfriend. No one will marry her yet because of her disgusting daughter who destroys all relationships. So no I don’t think DH ever wanted to stick it into that ho again. Besides, she despises DH and tries to order him around and control him.  Honestly I’m starting to despise DH too so I don’t blame BM for cheating.

lieutenant_dad's picture

DH and BM hooked up after they split. For those who keep up with my story, you'll notice that she would have been married to XH during this time.

DH didn't care. He HATED XH (for plenty of good reasons), was paying for BM's apartment, and had lost pretty much everything in the divorce. He was bitter and angry and used sex to get out his aggressions, even though the person he was sleeping with caused most of them. Really, it came down to her being available and he thought she was fun at the time.

It doesn't bother me one bit. It was years before me, and the person he is now is not the same one then (just like I'm not the same now as I was when I was married to my XH). I have found some...compromising photos of BM on DH's computer and old phone (and they are CLEARLY old because I haven't know BM to be that thin or with that few tattoos and holes in her face). I just showed them to him and he deleted them.

I will say, DH has always been upfront with me about his relationship timeline with BM. He was very honest about hooking up with her post-divorce, and I can't say that I cared. I wasn't around or even on his radar.

If it is dated before you, I would just delete it and let it go. If he hooked up with her post-divorce, he may be embarrassed by it. I don't think people have to be 100% honest about their partnering prior to their current relationship so long as there is no overlap or long-term consequences (i.e. babies and diseases). If your DH had a weak moment and slept with BM post-divorce, or they briefly discussed getting back together, it clearly didn't lead to anything long-term and should just stay in the past.

notasm3's picture

DH slept with BM years after their divorce (both were single) and that disgusting POS SS33 was conceived.  DH got a vasectomy DAYS later. So some good came out of it. 

That of course was decades before I met DH  - but the world would have been better off off SS had never existed. 

DaniellaR's picture

It doesn't matter to your current relationship if you met after the photo. Many exes still sleep with each other, if he wasn't committed to you then it should not effect your relationship. With that said, yeah it would bother me that my SO had relations with the ex after they divorced. My DH slept with the fat cow he divorced (once) and swore up and down he hates. This was before we talked. According to DH, he had low self esteem because he was fat, depressed and didn't think he could get another woman.....BM was there. Makes me gag to think about it and yes, it bothers me because the woman is friggen hideous. I honestly don't know how he ever got it up for her without viagra. DH did look bad back then and I wouldn't have dated him looking like that. He would have been in the friend zone, so I guess I could see the low self esteem issue. According to him it was once and right after the divorce. As soon as he lost weight, he got a girlfriend and that was the end of being desperate enough to sleep with the fat cow. She has thrown herself at him plenty, so he has had plenty of opportunity if he wanted. 

    BM has sent DH naked photos when we first started dating in an attempt to "win" DH back. DH kept it on his computer and when I found it months later he said he kept it for blackmail. My DH is an idiot, I do believe that is really what he was doing and never for one second thought he was hurting me in the process. Everything was all about skids when we first got together, screw anyone else's feelings. I have kicked DH out of my house so many times in the first few years we were together but he did continue to change- he was just an idiot with no clue until things were pointed out to him. 

   Now? No, I never wonder about anything involving DH and BM. DH can't stand the crazy, use to have severe anxiety when he had to talk to her and did his best to avoid her at all costs. I would have to push him to call the nut bag when we had to arrange anything having to do with skids. Skids are PAS'd completely now, haven't had to deal with skid bullshit going on 4 years now, thank god. I honestly don't think our marriage would have survived if we were still dealing with the crazy BM and skids. DH thinks the same and was not willing to sacrafice our marriage in order to jump to BM's commands. Oldest skid ages out in 3 years- I see the light at the end of the tunnel. She already has mental issues just like "mommy." Youngest skid is 3 years behind her unfortunately. I understand one oops, but seriously want to slap the crap out of my husband for the 2nd oops. BM stopping birth control the second time for skid2 was what lit a fire under DH's butt to move out and get the divorce. He didn't want the first kid with BM, didn't want a relationship with her and kicks himself for trusting his then wife about birth control for unwanted child # 2. Skid#2 has very few, if any, memories of DH living with them. They were divorced before she was 4 years old. She would still try the mommy and daddy getting back together comments though. We are counting down to the end of child support and already have a plan in place when they both come sniffing around for what they can get out of DH and what they think they will inherit.  

TrueNorth77's picture

My SO hooked up with CFBM after they split up, and he actually begged her to come back. He realizes this was an act of insanity and desperation now, but I do make fun of him for it on occasion. Even worse than finding a pic though, would be finding a sex video of the two of them that he sent BM while trying to "woo" her back. Ask me how I know this.... 

To be fair, he didn't save the video, I snooped a little in his email and found it....I had some trust issues in the beginning and wanted to see when he last emailed her and stumbled upon it. This is why snooping is bad! I can't unsee this!!! lol

I would guess this picture you found is just a leftover slutty pic she sent him earlier, and it doesn't mean anything. It's pretty common to have a slip up and hook up with the ex after the split, for old time's sake.

CLove's picture

I came into FDH's life when he was JUST separated-not-divorced yet, and we were flirty friends for about 1 1/2 years, while his separation was "happening". What does that mean? Well apparently, when he found out she was cheating and contacting men online and getting dirty photos, and sending them too, he paid to move her out. first and last, moved her stuff, etc. But she still managed to get inside the house, sometimes using her daughter's key, or whatever. They would occasionaly hook up and occasionally go out dancing together in groups. He took her to a concert Saturday after taking me to the same concert series Friday. I tried to invite myself over, and was shot down with "well, she might be there, shes supposed to be watching kiddos while we are out."

It seemed weird to me at the time, but I was "busy doing my own thing, while he was doing his own thing..."

Cut to now - shes trashy and very sleazy, and while we were still in the beginning of OUR relationship she was having sex with anything with a pulse. Had a toxic relationship for a few years and now is back into that modality of sleeping with multiple men (and women who knows!)

Halfway through our relationship, I found out she was sending FDH racy suggestive texts (usually after drinking), and I raised heck about it. She was snotty about things, texted FDH that "shes glad she doesnt have a jealous boyfriend". I wasnt jealous, that was disrespectful and inappropriate and I was setting boundaries. 

I do recall, at the beginning she acted like a jealous girlfrien instead of an EX. When we were still speaking, she quizzed me about the timing of our relationship! LOL. Ive got him now and STILL wonder what he saw in her and how he was able to get excited about her, as she is morbidly obese and has always been a very toxic person, inside, always been violent to him.