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My FDH ALWAYS asks me if I am having an affair!!!

MaGoose2010's picture

I need to vent (quite long).... I have been married twice

#1 dumped me when I was 4 months pregnant with my son. I later found out (from wife #2) that he had affairs all through the 3 years we were married.

#2 I dumped him because he wanted us to become swingers and betrayed me with his best friend's wife. ALso he allowed his son to sexually abuse my baby.

All through this, a total of 12 years, I NEVER EVER had an affair or even put myself in a position where I might behave inappropriately. Yes, I was lonely, yes I longed for someone to sweep me off my feet, but I never acted on it. I stayed in my 2nd marriage for 6 years after his indiscretion to try to make it work, we went for couselling but nothing changed.

Now I am with the man of my dreams, my soulmate, who suffered under a wife who slept with every one from his best friend, to his employees. Yet now he takes it out on me. He doesnt trust me. if he phones me and I am in the shower or my phone is giving trouble (has no reception), he FREAKS. He acts all pissed off and angry with me, like Í've done something I am cheating on him. He always wants to know where I am going, how long I will be and then throws in a comment "you with your boyfriend, hey!" In the beginning it was quite funny, but after 5 years it is really getting old and stale. I can't stand it anymore! If I tell him this, he tells me to dump him because he's a 'stuff up '.... WTF! We really love each other, but this is the one thing that really gets to me because I am not the type of person who would cheat in a relationship..I respect the other person too much. I would rather break it off with that person first. He knows that he has trust issues, and he knows that he needs therapy but he won't go..."oh we can't afford it" is all I hear. He is lying next to me in bed now (after I locked up the house, put the kids to bed and came to bed myself, he's here with the lights off curled up in a ball, no 'good night everyone' I know he has toothache, he won't go to a dentist (we don't have insurance anyway) but his teeth are crumbling due to anti-biotics when he was a kid, so he has acknowleged he needs false teeth, but yet he will not go to a dentist, even if just to have the f*cker tooth out that is causing him pain (this has been going on for months now!)

Along with this I have to deal with his turd-brained son who acts like a moron eventhough I suspect he is not (although the jury is not out on that one yet!) How many times do you need to tell a 14 y/o to throw his acne face-wipes in the bin and NOT in my car or in the yard??? WTF!

I don't know how much longer I can handle this.

I am also not well...I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and am on medication, but cannot afford the Psychiatrist visits every month (1K per visit). So instead I take my pills, do yoga and come here every while to try to cope.

Our sex-life is up to maggots because he has an inguinal hernia (groin)and as a result he has a premature ejaculation problem. It doesn't worry me really as much as it worries him, but I think that it has affected our sex-drives enormously. I am not being satified and he knows that, but I don't say anything to him. I can go without sex for ages, have in the past after I left my ex and in between meeting FDH ( for about 18 months). He won't have his hernia sorted out (It is huge!) for a couple of reasons..1)he's scared 2) we don't have medical insurance & 3)government hospitals are so bad here that people die in the passages waiting for beds and no-one notices until the smell is too bad to take!

I am quite a patient person and I can take a lot, but I am at the end of my rope now with all this.

Sorry...don't expect a response...just needed to get that off my chest. Feel a bit better already...just despondent.


skylarksms's picture

Sorry to say but I am in a similar situation with a DH who was cheated on by his baby mama and now has severe trust issues.

We've been together for 11 years (married for 9) and it hasn't gotten any better. Even with me attempting to assuade his fears, even with me yelling at him for not trusting me, even with me crying and telling him that we can't have a relationship if there is no trust, even with me accusing HIM of being the guilty one, even with me ignoring him.

The only thing we haven't done is counseling and he refuses.

I am sorry you are in this situation.

MaGoose2010's picture

Thanks, skylarksms. I really don't want to give up on this relationship, because I know that some day we will be happy when the kids are gone and we can spend more time together, but until then it is really going to be hard.

I even told him to put a P.I. onto me to check up on what I do everyday...but he still harbours such bad thoughts about me. I tell him to ask the kids about my movements. I try to tell him where i'm going, where i've been. I also told him not to make me suffer for what his exbitch did to's not fair! He agrees but he says he cannot stop it.

I am not yet divorced from my ex (long story) - but I am really wondering if I want to dive into that deep end again! Sad

skylarksms's picture

I would think LONG and HARD about it, if I were you.

I also said that I am paying for BM's mistakes. Didn't try the PI deal though, that's a good one!

I have also told him (when on my VERY last straw) that if he thought I had an option of another place to go, does he REALLY think I'd be putting up with all of his crap and BM's drama on top if it?

My skids are older and my son has left the house. This has not improved him in the trust situation. In fact, I think it's gotten worse - when the skids would be down, I'd at least have them to take with places so he wouldn't think I was meeting up with someone.

In my situation, even when he didn't accuse me of fooling around on him, he still has an opinion (that I notice in subtle ways) that he cannot trust me at all. Like thinking the worst of me all the time - guilty before proven innocent.

If I had it to do over, I would NOT.

MaGoose2010's picture

He keeps asking me the same questions EVERY day! Do I love him? Is there someone else? You wouldn't have an affair would you? He's so insecure and I don't know what to do to convince him that I love him, that there's no-one else and that I would never have an affair.

Tonight I told him that I wouln't still be here if I was unhappy with us and if I was with another man. Truth is I have no-where to go, I have no family here and I have not made many friends for fear of being put in a light that may make me look unfaithful. I am always here for him, my kids and the skids. The part of my life I do despise, is the skids part. I am not comfortable living with kids that lie, steal, cheat and disobey. I have high standards. When he asks me if I am happy...I say "yes, with us" all the rest sucks hairy donkey balls! (as my DS20 would say)

I have been reading some of your posts...I am sorry that you are going through all this with your DH. I am lucky in that respect, my FDH is a good, hardworking (sober) man - he drinks, but not a lot. He swears alot, but never at me. He gets very bad tempered, especially with his colleagues, sometimes the kids, but never with me. I know that he loves me very very much and he would die if I left him. He cried when I had to go to hospital and we thought I had cancer. I would wake up with him sobbing into my back. There is just so much sh*t in our lives and finances are tough. We both have come a long way since we met and have achieved a lot by being a team. He has put all his money and energy into my sequestration (exH left me with heaps of debt and refused to give me any of the accrual of our marriage). He still needs to start his. He works 3 jobs to keep us going. He is a good man but this distrust and jealousy thing is just eating away at me!

skylarksms's picture

Yeah, I'm probably not the most objective person with advice right now.

All I can tell you is that my DH hasn't changed, even though he knows that it bothers me deeply.

That is not to say yours can't change. I would recommend marital counseling if you can get him to go. Are you a member of a church? Usually the clergy will counsel members for free or a small stipend. I would DEFINITELY recommend talking to a neutral third party.

ThatGirl's picture

He is controlling you with his inability to trust. Nothing good will come of it. He needs to seek professional help, or you need to walk. This won't get better on it's own.

MaGoose2010's picture

We are not church-goers anymore. FDH works on Sundays and I don't like going alone. Also have lost faith in christianity, as there are so many hypocrites out there. Also made the mistake of watching a 'zeitgeist' movie about christianity being a scam to keep people/communities in line.
I think that I do still believe in God, but am very sceptical.

Counselling is a good idea - time is an issue. I must try to find some FAMSA groups or clinics which may do it at a cheaper rate.

Thanks for all your advice. I hope that you find the courage to make the important decisions which you face in your life.

skylarksms's picture

I completely understand. I consider myself spiritual but not religious because of the same reasons.

MaGoose2010's picture

This has all given me such a head-ache! FH is so restless and depressed tonight... UGGGH!!!

I am going to crash's 11pm here in south africa.

Good night all!


MaGoose2010's picture

Hi Katrinkie.

Thanks so much for the advice. I REALLY do appreciate it. I will definitely check it out.

FH woke up as I was finishing off with my posting last night and mentioned that it was funny how I could speak to my cyber-friends and not to him. Well I suggested that it was probably because he was in bed and asleep before I came to bed last night which usually sends the message 'leave me alone' but we chatted for a couple of hours and he promised me he would sort his teeth out. He has been seeing a Dr Faure here in PMB but he is very expensive and we owe him quite a lot of money for SS14's dental work and also for FH. The doc knows our situation, but has agreed to see FH tomorrow at 8am and says he will work out a payment scheme for us. FH has had implants as a teenager which all had to be removed, he had lead poising from them and it's been endless complications. He wears a front plate now of 4 teeth, but the others are crumbling one by one and the fillings falling out, as there is no structure around them. The dentist told him that having them pulled and false teeth put in is not a good solution. So we will see tomorrow what his options are. FH is a popular entertainer in our area and has to look good, so his teeth are an image issue for him. But he would rather send me for my psychiatric visits monthly which cost R1000/month, than sort his own health issues. Result is I have stopped my visits (only had 1) and things are now reeling way out of control with both of us and our health issues. Tense times. I felt a lump 4 years ago, doc said have a mammogram to determine if it's an issue, we couldn't afford it (R700) so that's also 'on hold' - it never stops. At least the kids are reasonably healthy. BD11 gets tonsillitus every 8 weeks or so, so that's just an anti-biotic, but she needs those damn things taken out. Also on hold.

I told him that he had to look after himself so that he can look after us. What would we do if something happened to him...stroke, heart attack? He wouldn't be able to play his piano, he couldn't teach...all the things he loves.

He's very scared that I leave him because of the stress with SS14 and feels that because I don't get along with him (SS14)and am miserable all the time, that perhaps the child should go and live with his mother (which is what he wants anyway) it's just that BM cannot afford to have him for another 2 or so years while she gets on her feet, yet spoils him rotten when he visits, motorbikes, expensive clothes, the works! So much that he is very disrespectful to her and acts like aspoiled brat. Here we give him what he needs, not necessarily what he wants. If you read my post on "FH wants SS14 to go" you will see how badly I am feeling about this and want to just crawl up under a rock somewhere!

Thanks for the number of the doc in JHB. I wonder if he would do a reasonably priced mammogram for me...I am so worried about the lump...

Thanks, Kat

MaGoose2010's picture

Katrinkie, I don't think that it is imperative to see the Psychiatrist every month, that's why I suggested we cancel this last month's session. I have been on new meds (before that I couldn't afford my old medication, Effexor, so took a generic of just didn't work and there were months on end that I went cold turkey) for a little over a month now. It is Wellbutrin which is supposed to NOT take away your sex-drive, but my sex-drive is non-existent!! Has been for quite a while and I think that is why FDH is so miserable also.

skylarksms's picture

Zoloft worked for me once it was decided that I had anxiety issues too and not just depression. Wellbutrin knocked my butt out!

VAStepMom's picture

I am assuming you may be approaching your 40's or already in them.....

Your husband should be checked for low testosterone. There are remedies for that also.

You may be suffering partially from pre menopause too. You can buy over the counter Estrogen Cream and Progesterone cream and rub it on daily.... I will tell you, it worked miracles for me. (ie: sex drive)

I wish you luck with the Dentist. I hope he can help you.