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MaGoose2010's picture

Hello everyone. Not new just taken an extended break from this forum while kids and stepkids come and go along with trying to keep a business afloat in hard & desperate times. I find myself back here as I am at a crossroads in my life. Both SO & I are now 50. Still not married due to business & financial constraints. We have BD17 & SS20 living with us. SS20 also works with us in our business. He has no disappline..not at home or at work. He is extremely messy & extremely destructive. SO & I bought a house together last year..SS20 is wrecking it...wrecked my garden..paints and constructs things that we are not consulted about..inhabits his room and a second room with all his junk which along with dirty dishes, dirty clothes and never tidied up no matter how i ask or insist on. The same happens at work..we have a retail musical shop where he repairs instruments and helps sell. I do sales and admin and SO is the manager and 49 % shareholder. This is tearing us apart as i am so demotivated and so over trying in thus relationship. I dont even want to own half this house as I feel I have no say. We were thinking of getting married next year but I can't even get myself to be excuted about that. We are both working ourselves to the bone with medical aid, no holidays and always have financial constraints. He complains we are never intimate but when i try to explain that i am tired, sick and over the daily sh*t of how we live and work..he goes to the extreme and wants to fire his son and kick him out of our that really necessary? Just disappline home and work..give him warnings...ultimatums... Am i really so wrong with how I feel? Advice..please Sad

MaGoose2010's picture

Sorry in advance about all the spelling mistakes! Hard to type on a small keyboard Smile

Acratopotes's picture

MAGoose - 1st thing - get a cleaning company into the house and clean the house from top to bottom, SS can not have 2 bedrooms, thus his second bedroom will be cleaned and then locked up....

2nd thing take his junk out of the garden and re-do the garden, simply tell him, this is my house and you will not go ahead and do your own thing, you are a free loading lodger, if you destroy anything again I will have you removed by the police. AND keep your word.

At work - follow the labor law of your country, SS doing something wrong, yeah written warning till there's enough that you can fire him. You own majority shares you can do this and Hon if your DH says anything about it... warn him aswell

MaGoose2010's picture

Thanks for the advice Acra. Sadly i am just an employee in the SO has a partner who owns 51% (same in all the shops in the 'fanchise'). But i work alongside my SO and bear all the trials with him.

Acratopotes's picture

I would then simply start looking for another job and resign, I will never be able to work with skid...
I want nothing to do with the brat

breakingthroughtheinstincts's picture

MaGoose go see my blog; I have similar issues with freeloading lodger SS20 (thankfully he doesn't work for me). I too hide behind SO as I love him and don' want to rock the boat - but am near the end of my tether too.

If I did brave Acra's suggestions DH would walk out on me and take his son (sometimes I do not think such a terrible idea...). Instead I am trying to reason with DH and get into his thick skull that SS is HIS responsibility.

I like the idea of using work-based law though. If you are SS's employer then you should discuss with SO first, but initiate a 'performance review' or appraisal system for ALL employees. Several external HR firms will help you (for a fee) in the UK at least?

2Tired4Drama's picture

IMO, the fundamental problems here are too much togetherness. You are all living and working together, essentially 24/7. Add onto that the financial strains of keeping a business and household afloat and no wonder you are distressed!

You need to come up with a detailed plan for running both the business and the household in a positive, constructive manner. This will include all members of the family, including your BD17. The plan should include some "alone" time for everyone.

Your DH's statement that he will "kick out" his son is overly dramatic but there is at least some hope there as he seems willing to make some changes. If he recognizes that something needs to be done about SS, at least it's a starting point. That's more than other Disney Dads are willing to do. Calmly tell him what the biggest challenges are with SS, and come up with solutions on how to address them.

For example, his "projects" around the house. SS may actually think he is doing something helpful to improve the place with his construction projects. DH needs to tell him that the house belongs to the two of you, and SS is not to construct, deconstruct, damage or otherwise alter the property or grounds. Period.

Next, since he is 20, tell him that he is going to pay a certain amount room and board which will include cleaning services weekly, or twice a month (whatever you decide is necessary) by a professional. He is entitled to one room in the house only. If he cannot pay, then it is up to DH to inspect his room regularly and point-blank tell him what needs to be cleaned and a deadline to do so. You should not be asking him, DH should.

My assumption is that your BD17 keeps her room neat and clean, and does not need such directions, correct? If not, she needs to be held to the same standards of cleanliness.

I also assume SS is getting a paid hourly wage? If he is not and he is there as either cheap or unpaid labor to help keep the business afloat, then you need to change that. He should be paid like an employee with same benefits, wages, etc. And also the same requirements to perform. If he does not, he gets fired.

Maybe the better solution is for SS to find his own job, and hire someone else to do the work he is currently doing with the business.

Does your BD17 help out the business? Is there the possibility that she can on a part time basis? Maybe help spell both you and DH on occasion, so you can get some couple time alone?

I don't think you have a hopeless situation ... I just think this is a family that is overwhelmed with business and household challenges, and you are focusing primarily on SS since he has behaviors that push your buttons. If he is otherwise a decent kid, without getting into trouble or smart-mouthing and disrespecting you, then I do think you have hope to fix this situation.

SugarSpice's picture

i agree that there is too much family togetherness going on.

work and family are hard to mix. ss is both a family member and a worker. you and dh must gradually get ss to move on with his own life and work. this will be hard as he is already enmeshed.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Now I saw your other comment that you are "just an employee" in this company. If I were you, I would find myself another job, pronto. That may be very helpful in getting some needed space and distance from all this togetherness.

MaGoose2010's picture

Thank you 2Tired4drama you helped me see what my life looks like from an objective perspective. There are a couple of reasons why i would not want to get another job...1) i am quite flexi in this job and can take time out to do the school run and doctors visits with BD17 without being held to a fixed lunch hour. 2) i am 50 and getting close to being unemployable along with the BBEEE problems here in South Africa where previously a white woman was not rejected through affirmative action but now we are. So job prospects will be slim. 3) everytime i look for another job SO talks me out of it by saying that he really needs me in the business and puts me on a guilt trip :? Thanks for your have gven me a lot to think about Smile