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'my' Standards & Values versus 'his' Standards & Values

MaGoose2010's picture

I haven't posted anything for quite a while and I won't go there any bore everyone with the details of my life since my last post. Just looking for some advice..

Presently we have 2 kids living with us, after downsizing to a smaller home and thereby forcing SD21 & DS22 to find their own lodgings and to stand on their own 2 feet. Best decision we ever made! The 2 leftovers are SS16 & DD13.

My question is: how do you find compromise and harmony in a blended family when your standards (or codes - what is right & wrong) whereby you live, are so different? For example: in my family(me & my parents & my kids etc, stealing is wrong & NOT ACCEPTABLE and is severley punished, not blown over. SS16 stole DD13's blackberry and gave it to a girl on Facebook (who was in a relationship with someone else but he thought he could win her over with his gift). We only discovered the truth a month after it had happened and FH was more angry with SD21 for hacking into SS16's facebook to find the evidence, than with SS16 who had committed the crime! Also FH replaced the blackberry using his own funds and SS16 has yet to pay FH he was not punished,there were minimal if any consequences except DH deleted his facebook. Needless to say SS16 simply re-instated it again...ha ha DH! The blackberry was recovered from the girl and sold to defray FH's expense in buying a new phone, but it only covered a quarter of the price. So now it gets even better...yesterday the boyfriend of the 'girl' meets SS16 in the mall and punches him. FH says to SS16 that he (SS16) should have knocked the boyfriend out. I say SS16 deserved it. He messed in someone elses relationship, is that what FH wants him to grow up to do? What example is this setting for his son? saying it's ok to try to win over someone elses girl? I am sorry this doesnt sit right with me.

There are so many different incidents that I could mention whereby SS16 has done wrong and has had absolutely NO consequences imposed on him. I don't know if I can live like this anymore..I don't feel comfortable living in this family anymore. You might say leave, leave him if you are not happy. Well it's not that simple. I still love FH very much and we have been together for 7 years now..we have plans for our retirement (we are both close to 50 y/o). We have plans to be happy, when eventually the kids all leave home..but will we be happy? Doesn't this resentment I feel, going to affect us in the long run? This is what I keep asking myself.

If someone out there has found a way to live like this, please..I need your wisdom..

oldone's picture

I'm sorry but you'd have to be crazy to marry a man who doesn't think stealing is wrong.

That's not a grey area.

Estrella1975's picture

It's hard. Obviously you and your Husband discussed your values when you fell in love and you wouldn't have gotten serious if there was a big abyss there. It's just that you actually mean it and he thinks right and wrong depends. }:) It doesn't.

I have a daughter who is 8. My fiance has a daughter almost 11 now. I have also an 18 year old son. Now my son is not a terrible person, but he also thinks acting right is sometimes flexible. I grew up with an adopted brother who was an actual pathological liar and thief, so as a grownup I have 2 untrespassable rules in my home. No stealing, no smoking. My son smokes cigarettes. He also once (JUST ONCE because I told him if he ever did it again I would crack his head) got my credit card out while I was sleeping and bought a video game online.
I asked him why he didn't just ask me and he said, " I thought you would say no." I responded by pulling the jam packed basket of video games he already has and dumping it in his lap and yelling, "When I have I ever denied you anything??"

So that was the day my son was sent to live with his dad, who never buys him anything and treats him like a roommate. I'm sorry, but he is 18, and he violated my core values, is making choices that go against how I raised him. I also won't have him around fulltime being a poor role model for the younger children. He visits, I help him financially now and then, but here's the kicker that preserves my relationship:

I only help him with my money. I don't expect my fiance to contribute to a cause he is opposed to. Although he likes and is kind to my son, he would prefer the kid be tossed into the world to sink or swim.

So maybe if you feel strongly enough, you make it clear you don't approve of rescuing his son from his bad decisions by withdrawing your resources from the bailout fund. You still contribute your regular portion of all household expenses, but refuse to participate otherwise until son has made amends. And if you don't work outside the home, don't help with any of his basic needs until he takes care of his debt. And you could still stay calm and kind the whole way through, even speak to your SS kindly to tell him you've chosen to not help him make bad choices.

I guarantee it will open your husband's eyes, but hopefully not in a way that will hurt your bond with him. You did not agree to sacrifce basic values when you agreed to be a stepmom.

ca7439's picture

I would agree with this whole heartedly.

My SO and I had many long chats about our values etc. But in reality, he cannot parent his children. It is a real problem between us.

In my family, swearing or being abusive towards others, especially adults is completely unacceptable. In fact, even as an adult, if I swore at my mother, she would tell me to leave her house. But sd seems to be allowed to do it all the time. She has said plenty of things like "Why don't you f*ck off and die, you fat c*nt" to SO with seemingly no consequence, except it makes him feel like shit.

I can understand that part of this is a hangover from the days of bm, who treated SO like a slave literally. I'm talking about expecting him to remove sanitary pads from her underwear. She is a disgusting human being and abused SO terribley, emotionally and financially. Fast forward to today, and he seems to be unable to see it. If sd called me that, he would tell her off. But even then, that would be it, there would be little consequence.

It really pisses me off. Last week I told him straight that I can't handle his refusal to parent anymore. I am losing all respect for him fast. sd rules the roost in his house and it is soooo wrong. He is terrified of sd leaving to live with bm and never seeing him again, but he can't see that if he actually called her bluff and sent her, the next time she threatens to move out, then she might improve her attitude.

I'm sorry, it doesn't help you, but you are not alone. And I don't thing my SO or any of the other men in this situation can see what a deal breaker this is for us women. :?

Justshootme's picture

My DH and I had the exact same talks. I've already raised my two DDs to adulthood. They are responsible, hard-working, respectful adults. I was told to "treat them as my own" in regards to my two SDs (10 and 13). Ha! The first time I tried that, they went crying to "Daddeeeee" and I was told I was being to hard on them. :?

Estrella1975's picture

If you read again, I said obviously it was discussed but wife meant it and husband didn't. In the sense that meaning it means living it. You seem way too smart to not have had the discussion. Smile Thanks.

oldone's picture

It's a shame you can't have a lie predictor test. Look at how many spouses vow never to cheat and then cheat like crazy?

MaGoose2010's picture

Thanks to everyone for the comments. I feel that I am in a no-win situation, though, not knowing how to proceed further. FH and I chatted this morning about his son and FH has decided to do the following:
1) Try to get SS16 to stay with the BM permanently after these holiday (he leaves Friday this week)
2) Failing that (the BM usually makes excuses NOT to have him) to get him educated (he only has grade 5) in 2013, with him helping to pay for his studies by working in our business after school and on weekends
3) Force him to cancel Facebook and ensure he stays off (good luck with that one!)

There were other decisions he has made but they concern our failing business.

I just want this kid to go away and stay away. FH is unable to parent his child and says that I batter him on a daily basis about all that SS16 does wrong, and he can't stand that about me. Well I will have to work on that and just save them all until the end of the week and give them to him is a list perhaps? I have disengaged from the child, actually quite a few years ago..when the criminal behaviour started, allowing FH to 'deal' with his son. Needless to say his way of dealing with the issues is to argue them away, deny their existence or just take the blame himself, just so that I will stop nagging about it. My irritation is that I always warn FH about issues that I see happening, but he refuses to take my advice and then the paw-paw hits the fan and we all end up suffering the consequences.

love_my_shichi's picture

I have the exact same problem as dogperson and ditzy. My SO spewed out all these morals and ideals in the beginning and he still does profess to adhere to them....just not when it comes to the skids....because "they're just kids." My daughter of course, is fully held accountable for her behavior in everything. She gets ridden for EVERYTHING. he watches her like a hawk. If she sleeps in on a Saturday..."oh is she hungover from partying last night?". It never ends. He assumes the worst about her every time. And she has way better grades then all his kids. His daughter is flunking everything....and we just don't talk about her. His matter how rude and obnoxious they are, HE ALWAYS MAKES AN EXCUSE. his ten year old son hit my daughter in the face over the summer....he had his back turned but me and her both told him. He of course won't believe us. Anything that we tell him negative that any of his kids do...."no I don't believe you" "you dont know that for sure. You are just jealous." AND AND AND.....if they are caught red handed doing anything....."THEY'RE JUST KIDS....ALL KIDS DO THAT"