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FH wants SS14 to go...

MaGoose2010's picture

SS14 & I do not get along. He does not disrespect me to my face, he does not really back-chat me or refuse openly to do what I ask. He trys to please me but in an a$$-creeping way that makes me mad rather than happy. examples: he will rush for my cell when it rings when I have told the kids not to, he will 'fix' my car radio when I have asked him not to touch it (because he stuffs it up) etc etc
He has ADD but acts stupid just to get negative attention. He doesn't know what time, date, year etc it is because he is not interested and prefers to act dumb so that everyone will feel sorry for him. "Aah shame...it's because the education system let you down when you were in the foundation stage and now you are like this..." WTF! He has no interest in school and it doesn't bug him that he and BD11 are in the same grade and he is heading towards staying in the same grade next year!

FH & I are slowly drifting apart because 1)we don't spend enough time together 2)i am usually still peed off when he gets home (about something the skid has done or not done...then I battle to change gears into a sweet FDW for my FDH and get all 'in the mood' So we end up fighting and he says I'm peed off with him and he can't satisfy me or make me happy etc etc I am never honest with him about what is really wrong because he will say 'my kid is a stuff up and he irritates you and he should go and live with his mother...I don't want him here!' Then I will be the cause of FDH losing his son. So I keep quiet...but as of the last few months, I have this horrible dialogue going on in my head when I even think of SS14...something like "F*cking little turd-brain" then I scold myself and try to think happy thoughts. Try nto be the adult. Truth is I am the one who spends 99% of the time around this child..FDH is always working, teching or gigging. I hide in my room because I don't want to be around him. I have to endure the lies, the stealing, the destroying of our (rented) home, the stealing & wanton destroying of my precious few things and the bickering that goes on between BD11 & SS14. The nags from his teacher on how his homework is not done when I pick him up from school(FH's responsibility...I tried...he doesn't want me to help him), or he disrupts the class etc etc. I am really not this horrible person that I am turning (or have turned)into. I've had stepkids before ...I coped then...why can't I cope now. Why can I not find the strength and 'bigger person in me' to get along with this child - if not for anything else but for FDH's sake? This child belongs with his dad. BM is trailer trash..SS14 totally disrespects her to her face (he loves her & misses her)..but he speaks ugly to her, he won't bath or listen to instructions when he is there (4 times a year), he whines - she spoils him to get him there and then when the money runs out, he act's like a spoiled brat...then she phones FDH and tells him to speak to his son! WTF! I am lucky I don't get this from him. As FDH says, SS14 has a strange respect for me (maybe so, but why does he lie, steal, look at me blankly when I ask him something about his behaviour....all the things that I detest?) But on the bright side, I have taught him manners in these 5 years I have been in his life...he can say 'pardon?' instead of 'huh?' he knows what a knife and fork are for...he now knows the difference between adults and kids and that adults are to be treated with respect. I try my best to treat both bios & skids equally. If I haul them up about something, I make is a general scolding ├┐ou kids must try to leave the bathroom tidy!" I NEVER target one or the other's behaviour unless it is really necessary.

Now FDH says SS14 is ruining his life (i.e. our relationship) and he must go to his mother next year. Yes it is what I want but - No FDH will be heartbroken! What to do....? I do suffer with heaps of medical conditions which include a hiatus hernia, IBS, Major Depressive Disorder, Allergic Rhinitus & Migraines which makes it generally quite difficult for me to be a positve, happy-go-lucky person - makes it difficult to get up most mornings. But maybe it is best for this child to be with his mother who loves him (even if it is in a materialistic way). She probably will not cope with him, but at least he will be loved. That's all that matters..rite? Then I can give more of myself to my daughter and be a better mother to her. I apologise if I sound like a selfish b*tch...just having a bad day.

Sorry everyone...just needed to vent today. FDH & I are starting date-nights tonight and then we will chat about all this. I just feel like such a fraud!

MaGoose2010's picture

Katrinkie, Yes he is torn inside, but that happened before my time. Why do we (BD11 & myself) have to pay for it now. FDH HAS TO step up and parent this child. And try to make right the wrongs that HE & his EXW did to this child! I keep nagging him to spend time with the child, but he sees saving our relationship as being more important because, as he says when the kids have gone we will either have each other, or this will have driven us apart and we will be two miserable, bitter old people. So as a result, when he eventually comes home, he wants me to himself in the bedroom to chat and spend time together. The kids come and go, but he never does stuff with his kid, like take him to the dirt car racing track or do something they both enjoy. He would rather go shopping for groceries on a Saturday afternoon with me (he works in the morning)kids must stay at home, so that we can be together. I have finally convinced him to take SS14 to work with him on a Saturday morning to help him tidy up the office and run errands etc - just to get the man to spend time with his child. When he checks his homework he lands up yelling at him because the child has not finished something or done something properly. I cringe because I don't even treat him like that, but it is frustrating when you are tired and the kid just doesn't pull his weight and has no interest. FDH has also started repairing keyboards at home, an initiative to get SS14 to get a 'trade'of sorts to bring in some extra money here and there. Because SS14 loves stripping things! Unfortunately he doesn't always put it back together properly, is lazy and too hasty etc...you should have heard FDH swear when SS14 was at his mom's and the keyboards had to be sent out...he landed up doing them all again because parts were broken by SS14 and he was not told, screws were left out etc etc. I knew this would happen. Also he couldn't find his tools because SS14 had left them lying around or lost them. He was soooo mad.

I've been through 2 divorces (#2 still ongoing) but my 2 kids are well-adjusted socially and academically. They also went through hell with the divorces, BS20 over-disapplined (physically) by my ex, BD11 sexually abused by her half brother. But I was always there for my kids even when times were tough. Now...I try to spend time with BD11 and it was quite nice this holiday when SS14 was with his mom, I taught BD11 to make clothes. She made 2 blouses (with my help).
She achieved a wonderful school report this term and when we had the parent/teacher meetins, the teacher said that she was mature beyond her years and was a pleasure to teach. All A's & B's - I am confident that she, like her brother will end up a well-adjusted adult.

Surely SS14 is not my responsibility?

I just want to give up...I feel like I am putting my little family (BD11 & myself) under unnecessary strain. Soon she will be gone and I will regret not having a 'normal' upbringing with her.

WHERESMYWART's picture

"FH & I are slowly drifting apart because 1)we don't spend enough time together 2)i am usually still peed off when he gets home (about something the skid has done or not done...then I battle to change gears into a sweet FDW for my FDH and get all 'in the mood'"

Yup, yup, I get you 100% here. I know my DH does not like to hear how bad his kids are and such but what am I to do? I do my best to do everything for them their mom should be doing but it really irks me that they can act like little heathens but Im expected to do nothing about it. One of my best friends from childhood put a yank in YSS and MSS bullying and lying yesterday when she called a local police officer friend of hers who simply explained to them over speakerphone the same thing I have been telling them for years that if they don't stop this behavior they are going to end up in the juvenile system. These kids come home from church last night and basically took over supper and made plates. Both of them,were different children last night and this morning. I asked them what brought about the change and they said the man who talked to them on the phone made them think. I really hope this little intervention works because nothing I have tried has since we are basically allowed not to ground them and such. You should have seen YSS face when my friend (an ex cop) and her friend on the phone told him she could have pressed charges on him for hurting her son the other day (he choked her son) and that he could have possibly ended up in the juvenile detention center.

Good luck with everything. I would hate for your SS to have to leave your house and in the end your DH resenting you in some fashion for it. Maybe you can find someone to speak with him such as a counselor and such. I do think for the most part your SS is trying but doesnt know exactly how to resist the urges such as grabbing your phone even though he knows better.

MaGoose2010's picture

"I would hate for your SS to have to leave your house and in the end your DH resenting you in some fashion for it. "

WHERESMYWART, this is what scares me into just sucking it up and living with the shyte! I don't want to be held responsible for FDH's resentment... Already, he asked his DD19 to leave when she caused so much trouble for us (18 months ago)and I became very ill with gastric problems and couldn't take the stress. But she mainly left because she got engaged while she was still in our house and trying to complete he high schooling. We both said UMMM NO! If you want to get engaged and play 'big people's games' then you must go off and do it...not under our roof. She had no respect for our values. So she left and shacked up with her bf. Now she regrets not sticking it out and passing her grades because now she cannot do the course she really wants to do without a high school diploma! Told her dad "MaGoose2010 was right about me finishing high school before running off with my bf!"